Sunday, August 30, 2009

So Much in One Day, Day 35

I woke up early to make it to a farmer's market only to arrive late because my friend kept getting lost in the freeway. I was sort of annoyed because he asked me for gas money. I don't mind pitching in when I'm getting rides, but I don't like that I was paying for his mistakes. I do have a terrible sense of direction, but this time it was his own perception and he knows that. I hate feeling conflicted because although I don't want to pay for his errors, I know he wouldn't be in that predicament if it wasn't for me. Next time I'll follow my own instincts. I would've arrived much earlier had I have taken the bus. But I had fun when I was there and made some awesome purchases! ^_^

The day became less pleasant as I was surrounded by racist bigots. It's unnerving to see such narrow-minded and pure ignorant hatred in such a modern society. There was a man who said that he only drinks Italian coffee now because he used to drink Brazilian coffee until he realized that Brazilians are useless but only decided to redeem them due to their soccer status. When someone asked him if Brazilians are good at soccer, he skeptically expressed that that's what he heard. Can you believe that crap? Can you imagine such deep-rooted bigotry towards a race that restricts your beverage selection? And the people that could introduce him to a completely different world is closed to him.

Then I watched Taking of Pelham, which was an enjoyable movie. The day didn't end so well, though. I'm so sick and tired of my friend's girlfriends and ex-girlfriends acting like I'm this slut. I'm not just some girl they hang out with. They treat me like one of the guys and call me James. My ex-boyfriend just referred me to James, while telling me that he won't be able to hang out. I'm worried that I'm having a platonic effect on the person I do like. That's reality. I don't deserve being mislabeled over that. I hate having to see texts that say something along the lines of, "Who have you slept with? Jaymie?"

If not having sex was a sport, I'd be in the Olympics and here I am villainized because these girls are insecure about themselves and my friends are too stupid to not engage and feed into their inadequacies. I hate having to hear that they should lie about who they saw the movie with or who they hung out with because it would upset her. I'm not happy about the idea of upsetting her, but I don't want any deceit taking place because of their unfounded insecurities. As much as I dislike them and their attitude towards me, they don't deserve to be lied to. Plus lying in order to "not hurt" them and entering their reality gives this impression that their perception is validated because deceit is warranted. That's far from the truth.

This is so frustrating because I truly know that I'm not doing anything wrong. And yet if a record exists, I tend to consider the possibility that there's legitimacy behind the claim. In this case, though, I think flawed perception is just concentrated in numbers. Of course, I would think that. I'm biased in this position. I'm tired of feeling guilty. I'm tired of hating my friends for lying, as though we should be ashamed of our friendships. I'm tired of getting worked up because I'm involved in some lie. I'm tired of being accused from something farthest from the truth. I'm tired of constantly hearing my friends ask why I won't go out with so and so as though I have the ability to go out with whoever I feel like when it's so painfully obvious that that isn't true. I'm tired of having to explain myself when I don't want to go out with someone. I'm tired of being burdened, annoyed, and disappointed that my friend's girlfriends or exes think there's something going on because people act like I can have whoever I want or everyone when I'm living contrary to their disillusion.

No comments:

Post a Comment