Sunday, August 23, 2009

Surfacing Premonitions, Day 28

I came to a realization today. As much as I love my friends and what I do, it's important that I carve blocks of time separate from everything else i.e., work, friends, school, and all the other priorities in my life that attach me to something in some form or another. How can I focus on myself and my goals if I'm surrounded by the energies of other peoples' ambitions, dreams, and goals? My own will drown and fade into the distant.

It's been hard lately to make time to write for a myriad of reasons. But you know what? It's not meant to be easy. And the most difficult things in life to achieve is sometimes the most worth gaining. It's crucial that I don't lose sight of that. Even though the core of who I am may not be connected to the air element, I think I allow my dreams to float around weightlessly and move around to accommodate the other things in my life. It's not even something I fully realized until today.

I like variety. I don't like being stagnant. But paradoxically enough because I have an addictive personality I do engage in repetitious activity, which can be mindless at times. Somehow, though, that activity isn't as satisfying as it once was. Ever since the last guy I was with made me see how severely co-dependent I am of it, I've found it to be a guilty act of coping mechanism that I view as my inability to manage my life. I don't find that acceptable. With the help of some new friends who have addressed my compulsive nature as unhealthy, I believe I'm starting to take the right step towards recovery or a new life path.

Sometimes it's refreshing for outsiders to come into your life and help you realize that what you've been doing for so long is crippling because the people who've been a part of my life for years accept it as me being me. The new people in my life see how detrimental it is to my life. It's a difference in perspective and a value I appreciate greatly. So I thank you. You guys should know who you are.

I quickly glanced over to the title and realized that I haven't addressed the proper contents that support this blog's title. That also made me realize that maintaining this blog has actually connected me more to the air element than I've ever been. (I also feel like I've been using the word realize A LOT!) One of the things that made me realize why separation and detachment from external ties is necessary for my well-being is the experience in contrast for starters. But lately I've been working hard at pushing back certain premonitions to the back of my mind.

That's probably not the best way to deal with it. I don't even think it's intentional. Certain circumstances make my premonitions more likely to surface. Sometimes they're just premonitions I've had in the past that just go on replay. Other times it's as if they just come out of me and add to the premonitions I've had. The worst part is that sometimes I can feel as if that's not a premonition of the existing future but the future that could've been. That's the last thing I want to experience.

It's like this cruel punishment, premonitions, a torture device unlike any other. It exploits my weaknesses. I still don't know what the future holds for me. I actually feel like this is even more true since I've gotten premonitions. They're more things for me to be uncertain about. But I do feel certain that nothing will happen. The energy has changed. I do wonder how much of it is a self-fulfilling prophecy as my friend explained to me. I am prone to self-sabotage, but I wonder if this time considering that will be trivializing the other person's ability to sense his own feelings. Maybe this time it's who I am that was the downfall of it all. I suppose at the end it doesn't really matter.

My point is that I don't want to dwell on what could've been and the change in direction that it's taken. So I need my distance, a healthy detachment. When I'm in proximity of certain things, I don't think about it so much. When I am, I'm plagued by it. I'm sure both sides isn't healthy. There has to be a healthy medium between tormented thoughts and an escape. I'm trying hard not to push the premonitions into the back of my mind. The last thing I want to do is create a cobweb of thoughts that'll just collect dust in my mind, but I don't enjoy these experiences. If separating myself keeps me from them, I think that's the best thing I can do for myself.

It's also totally invasive of me. I don't try to tap into it, but I do. I don't think it's fair of me to know what his love prospects are. I don't want to know, either. I'm not happy about it on my end. I'm happy for him because she's beautiful and nice. I think they would hit it off. But that doesn't mean that I want a preview of it. The curious and nosy side of me is dying to know what's actually going on in this present moment just so I can know. Even though I don't really want to know, you know? I just like to fill in the blanks of the unknown. I not only find it invasive of me to enter the private intimate details of his life that he hasn't found fit to share with me, but I find it a disturbance for myself, too. And why wouldn't I?

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