Everyone seems to have such an opinionated idea to the key of relaxation, which is laughable in such a highly stressed society if it wasn't so tragic. I, as much as possible, listen to what everyone has to say because I truly believe in the value of hearing the insights of others, and I'm desperate to find the answer for myself. With that said, it seems like all of the suggestions I've heard are inapplicable for me, not incorrect but inapplicable for me and my purposes. Reducing drama and stress in one's life seems like such an obvious and logical course of action, but it doesn't work for me.
As much as I hate it, I attract drama into my life. In spite of what some people may think, I don't go looking for it. Drama has been described as my stalker ex-boyfriend who won't leave me alone. I've had to learn to accept that I can't control my environment; I most definitely can influence it, but I can't dictate it. I think I was a fucked up person in my past life, and I've carried over some karmic baggage from the past. But I finally feel like I'm coming close to paying off my debt. And yet I worry that it'll never truly go away, whatever that means. All I feel is that drama doesn't have to plague and haunt me like it has, but I highly doubt that it'll ever leave my life. So it makes sense that whatever method I use to achieve balance and harmony will incorporate the drama that exists in my life, rather than attempting to unsuccessfully remove it. I'm not being self-defeatist as I once believed I was. I'm finally just seeing and accepting my circumstance for what it is. I'm embracing it.
While this is exaggerated, my life is like a hurricane. Everything seems to spin out of control, and I try so hard to hang on. I can't see myself through all of this. All I see is everyone and everything else. I feel helpless and out of control. I want to do what I can to feel productive and beneficial. So in a selfish way, I help others to help satisfy the inner securities within myself. This, in turn, perpetuates the very cycle I try to escape. I want to avoid the drama, but I walk right into it and face it in an attempt to help others. Sometimes I win. Sometimes I lose. I'm rarely content after all has been said and done because my actions are nothing more than a distraction. And closing my eyes to my spinning world just makes everything even more terrifying. Hanging on hasn't worked, but it's all I know how to do. It's a fear mechanism.
I've heard people say let go, and that's never felt right to me before for a number of reasons. I didn't feel the intent or relate to its message. And the idea of "letting go" of whatever it is that I'm hanging onto that's keeping me from thrashing in my emotional and metaphorical hurricane sounds dangerous, illogical, and risky. It is dangerous and, therefore, risky. That certainly makes it illogical, but logic doesn't always apply in emotional settings, something I'm starting to understand. So those very cerebral adjectives, as "legitimate" as they are have no grounding in this context. In fact, it's no more dangerous and risky than prolonging my imminent fate.
By letting go, I have an opportunity to find the center of my hurricane. A hurricane is a chaotic circular energy that's constant, unpredictable, and harmful. But in the very center exists balance, a harmonizing opposite. That's what I have to find, the center of my hurricane. Someone at the spiritual retreat briefly mentioned in passing that the center of a hurricane is calm. That spoke to me, and I knew that it was meaningful in my search to discover myself, but it didn't feel complete. It began to today.
My friend and the most laid-back person I know expressed some obvious but profound statements that defined my reality, my identity and re-shaped my perspective into something more evolved. Sometimes what others share with me about their own lives is relateable to my own. Writing releases the thoughts circulating in your mind. That must be why I love writing so much and why I feel uncomfortable when I don't write as much as I'd like. But when writing 20 pages isn't adequate enough for me, clearly it's time that I make other improvements and modifications in my life.
Meditation is a popular choice. I've tried it, but I've never felt like I achieved the same benefits as others because I didn't, and it's possible that I never will. When I've tried breathing exercises in the past, I would get lightheaded and my pupils begin to dialate. That freaked me, so I quickly stopped. I still remember how ashamed, embarrassed, frustrated, and cheated I felt that I couldn't even safely perform the very thing that's supposed to relax me. It felt like such an unfair punishment and extreme road block. I associated the lightheadedness and pupil dialation to drug inducement, which made me think of the harm, so I stopped. In all honesty, though, another reason why I stopped is because not feeling like I wasn't in control frightened me and in a twisted way, I enjoy(ed) the stress. It's something I know, something I'm good at, something that's entertaining, something I identify with, something that's just mine, something that defines me....
My perspective was disturbed and single-minded. I thought drug bad. But my friend clarified and reminded me that most drugs are plants, and they're meant to put us in an altered state, a deeper state, that helps us understand things. It's not meant to be something we should become co-dependent on. Most people need drugs to achieve that state. I have the ability to achieve an altered form of reality without the use of drugs. That's not something I should fear; it's something I should embrace but with caution. It isn't wise to avoid it because it's made me avoid breathing regularly. So as intense as it is for me, in order for me to find my balance which happens to be inside of a hurricane, I have to face what I fear, even if it is mascerating as a negative connotation - an altered state of mind most commonly achieved through drug inducement.
I've considered the drug aspect of my reaction before, but my mind focused on the damage it does for the body. I never delved deeper into the fact that that's how hallucinogenetics work and what it helps some people achieve. I'm less concerned about what I can gain from achieving that level now. In fact, I feel like being aware of this and knowing that I'm scared of it, I might be able to meditate without going through that. I'm just relishing the fact that I'm no longer opposed to doing something so powerful and paradoxically quite possibly overpowering in a way that'll force me to surrender control, which I think will help me manage my stress better.
One of the things I think I've always known is that I've suppressed the inner pisces within me so to speak. Pisces can be extremely caring, compassionate, and clairvoyant or psychic. I used to read that and think that's most certainly not me. Now I still read certain things about my sign and feel that way, but the above information does apply to me. It always has, but I've suppressed and ignored it. I'm finally accepting myself for who I am, and I'm better for it. I used to be terrified by the idea of anyone discovering that I have premonitions because I thought they would think I'm crazy. As if I'm not!
I've learned to become a little more comfortable in my own skin thanks to my toxic but life changing ex-boyfriend. It also helped that my friend who also happens to be my ex, too, helped me accept this side of me when he shares with me what he sees me see. How invasive and awkwardly comforting is that when your ex-boyfriend is in your head? That's totally crazy, right? Some people don't try to suppress their powers. They just don't use it. I feel like I'm meant to use it, like I'm supposed to when I'm ready. I think some of the people closest to me feel that way, too. The fact that I reach an altered state when I meditate for a brief amount of time is evidence enough for me. Right now all I want to focus on is digging my feet into the earth where I can be grounded when the water is ready to knock me down when the wind isn't trying to tear me to shreads. Breath, it's a powerful tool. It's necessary to help us manage these difficulties as they approach us. I think I've been more connected to the air element that I initially realized. I just didn't know what it was then. Isn't that something