Sunday, August 16, 2009

It's All or Nothing, Day 21

This entry was inspired by my friend who wrote on her wall post "It's all or nothing." I don't know what she's going through or what she means in reference to it, but whatever it is, I hope it works out. "It's all or nothing" can be seen as a repulsive and burdening ultimatum, which I think is how I would've perceived it long ago. With what's going on in my life and the experiences that have shaped me now, I see it more as a reality, neither good or bad, but an unchangeable circumstance nonetheless. I have a choice. I may not like the choices that exist, but there are two only set paths. I either accept everything for all that it is (the good AND the BAD) or after weighing the cons, I realize that the bad isn't worth the good, so I take nothing. At least that's how I see it. If the good outweighed the bad, I don't think I would consider things in terms of all or nothing. But that's if I put more emphasis on nothing more than all.

Sometimes, though, and this seems to be the case for me is that I have to choose or else I have to create my own path. Sometimes finding or creating my own direction is best because I'm personalizing it for me. Other times creating my own path is like creating my own destructive cycle because instead of allowing the universe to guide me like the air gently breezing on by, the fire element rules me. So I don't see that what I'm actually doing is fighting myself in a futile effort.

I think the best way to determine which choice is best is when you get to the point in your life when you have to consider exactly what it is that you're contemplating "all or nothing" about. Whatever it is that you're considering, is it a good or bad thing? In those simple terms, believe it or not, if we silence our thoughts and just let our intuition take over, we often know or have a sense of whether it's good or not even if you can't define that feeling. If it's bad, take nothing with you. It's not actually difficult to find the answer. What's difficult is making yourself receptive to the answer. In my experience, the right answer is often the one that seems most difficult and challenging to accept.

Ever since I started getting premonitions, I've been dealing with a mixture of feelings. I'm emotionally burdened, calmed, conflicted, confused, enlightened, receptive, self-sabotaging, and vulnerable. I've already experienced these things on a regular basis, but now it's more intense and a much deeper experience. My last entry probably hasn't made too much sense. I think I've just let the premonitions marinade in my mind. My friend's wall comment came at a good time for me. It's time for me to pick and choose.

As my powers grow, so do the dynamics of my premonitions. I used to think that my premonitions only came in waves of three, which is why I call them "triple effect" because they impact me three times. Now, though, I can re-enter a previous premonition, and it becomes more elaborate. Those are "triggered". My triggers are also growing, too. My triggers used to only be premonitions that I had when I was in close proximity of someone, and those premonitions were so brief that I called them "flashes." The images were still, and unlike the triple effect, the feelings I sense aren't three dimensional and they're simpler feelings. But now I can get triggers when I'm watching a movie and a specific scene that's similar to what can happen in my future appears, so does another trigger. I should call that a "movie preview".

I'm contemplating whether I should expose the entire thing or not. The fact that I'm contemplating makes me feel that I shouldn't. Here's the limited version: I've been getting premonitions about a guy I like, and before anyone thinks that I'm imagining things, I get a call from a good friend and coincidentally my ex who reassures me that I'm not tripping because he sees everything I see. Yeah, we've been in each other's head. Fucking crazy, right?

Lately it's been feeling like things are becoming platonic for him. In one of the triple effects, he moves on and finds someone else instead of the two of us getting together. We stay friends, and we become good friends, not close friends, good friends. Whatever that means.... Anyways the name of the other girl came to me a while ago, but just yesterday I got more of a glimpse of who she is, probably because he and I had loosely made plans to hang out. It didn't end up happening, and I kind of suspected that. But thinking about him and focusing on him released another trigger. I had a feeling that her name was spelled with 1 N, and I was right.

Who knows? Maybe nothing will happen with them. As if that's the point. Imagine how I must feel. I'm still wondering if I'm over my ex because of my first premonition which showed me that I wasn't. How fucked is that when your future self has to show this to you? The fact that I'm wondering makes it pretty self-evident that I'm not over him. But I feel like I don't even have time to get over my ex without being bombarded of feelings for the next guy. I haven't really gotten to spend time with him to get to really know him. But I'm already fast-forwarding into the future, experiencing feelings that I haven't even developed yet, feelings that may not even develop yet. Still, it lingers and resonates in me.

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