Friday, October 30, 2009

What Procrastination Hides in Me, Day 89

I feel like my recent blogs have carried a lethargic tone. It's like a never ending season. We need flowing energy in our lives, and I've been stagnant. As much as I must have bored readers, (assuming I have any), I realize that I've been in this state for a reason. It's good that I didn't conceal it and wrote authentically to my feelings because by focusing and channeling it, it's brought me awareness.

I've never experienced procrastination to this degree before. I've always been such a disciplined person. But I've always been a different person until this point. I suppose it makes sense that when I change as a person so will my habits. There's hidden meaning behind every action. I don't have to decode every single one of them, but clearly it was important that I decipher this because I've been in this state for so long. My mind keeps floating back here.

To discover who I am now, I have to understand who I was because although I'm changing and growing, I'm building from the old me. I used to be so disciplined and repetitive because it was an effective way to avoid my emotions. I was doing it long before I even knew why, and I've done it for so long that I didn't realize what has happening or what it was even doing to me.

Since I've began to break my habit of guarding myself from my own emotions, the very habit that sustained it is beginning to crumble - my self-disciplined "nature". I'm 25 and I'm discovering the challenges of procrastination because I'm not practiced in it. I used to think I was fortunate for being such a focused individual. But I never really was focused, was I? I was just desperate to avoid what makes me human.

I do want to open up more, but it's painful. My procrastination is halting this painful process. Sometimes when I'm struggling, people seek me out. And I don't mind. It's an altruistic relationship for me, too. By helping others I'm able to distract myself from my own problems or mildly help myself. But I've reached a new peak. Helping others gives me an opportunity to look away from my own problems. It may soothe me, but I can't make progress that way.

Procrastination is my body's way of removing activity from my life that I can utilize to distract myself from this process. Helping others is a path I can take to help myself but only from a subconscious level. Helping others is also a path I can take to suppress my own emotions. When I'm not distracted with those things, all I'm left with is my own thoughts.

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