With that said, my seemingly limitless imagination is powerful towards enlightenment or escapism with equal abandon. So I know I have to learn to control it or else it runs the risk of being destructive, rather than insightful. When I'm unhappy, unsatisfied, under stimulated, depressed, detached, or trying to escape my emotions whether it's intentional or not, I'm most susceptible to becoming a slave to my imaginations and vulnerable to the downfalls that follow. Being so conscientious of that, I was diligent in insuring that I don't fall prey to it. So instead the emotional burdens that have began to weigh on me has manifested itself through my allergies. Since that epiphany, my allergies have calmed. Just like dreams help us to process the daily struggles we face, daydreams are an inadequate replacement. With my sleep becoming compromised, I suppose my body had nothing else to turn to.
In one imagination, my true feelings surfaced. How does that saying go? "You have to find the truth in fiction." Every so often I'll find myself returning to feelings I'd rather not have and thoughts I'd rather ignore. I'll allow myself to surrender to them, but mostly they're too brief for anything meaningful to happen. That's my theory since my feelings are masquerading itself through a daydream.
I went to some celebrity party. I got to wear my beautiful plum colored dress. I met Dean Cain, my first crush ever! I also met Jensen Ackles who's my boyfriend and lover. I used to say that David Boreanaz is my husband, but I've sort of lost interest in that. It was still cool to meet him there. I used to be so obsessed with that idea to the point that I guess it seemed "realistic" to my friends because they began to honestly picture us together. They were devastated as my interest for him waned because they became attached to my fantasized relationship with him. I also met Andrew Keegan, Paris Hilton, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, and P. Diddy. It was very much a Hollywood world experience.
I went "home", not to where I currently live but a place I live in in my imagination. There, also lived my ex, curiously enough. He was grabbing something out of the refrigerator when he saw me entering. He had a sly smile and asked how it was. I must have had that look of excitement and spark in my eyes because his energy matched my own. I couldn't sense my own feelings at this point, but I can recognize it in him, and I knew it wasn't coming from him. So he must've been bouncing off of mine. I was enthusiastic and narrative about the celebrities I met. He said I looked happy.
I've never been much of a celebrity girl other than checking out hotties. Celebrity gossip and status always seemed frivolous to me. But going to an event filled with them isn't an opportunity that comes across frequently. So naturally I was excited and attended. It was a real cool night. It was fun and exciting. I was overly enthusiastic about being able to wear my dress! But really what made the experience for me was being surrounded by that kind of energy. There's something intoxicating and invigorating about being exposed too so much successful people who are confident in that. It's a powerful force. That's what it was about for me. I didn't care about the idea of seeing actors and actresses winning awards for films and shows I've never heard of. I just value new experiences. So I went.
I went on about how I met SO MANY HOTTIES! What's not to love about meeting your first celebrity crush? He asked and by asked I mean rhetorically, "You're totally horny, aren't you?" Confirmation was expressed. FYI: I'm being selectively discreet because the imagination took an erotic path. I actually expressed a word that symbolizes something for us, and I want to keep that ours. It's one word. He says something along the lines of, "Well I can help you out with that."
That's when the direction of my energy shifted, and I remembered his words, "You look happy." I looked at him saddened and said, "You don't know me as well as you think you do." He looked conflicted, lightly guilty, and felt misunderstood. He said that's not what he meant and was joking. Yeah right! But to a degree I believe him. That's not what I meant, nor was that what I was referring to.
I was thinking about happiness. I asked him if he remembered that night when he was over and we were lying on my bed. We were close and his arms were wrapped around me. He said, "this is happiness to you." I didn't realize at the time how much truth there is to that. That night was calm, quiet, peaceful, simple, familiar, comfortable, and absence of any complexities that normally burden me.
It didn't carry any of the energy I felt at the party. The party was invigorating, new, exciting, and intense, but it was also a world I didn't belong in. There was no place for me there. No one knew me. No one saw me. No one felt me. I was a part of something greater than myself. It's important to have those kinds of experiences, but I couldn't find happiness in it. Maybe as I get older and do something meaningful by my contributions but not at a social event where I'm merely there to observe.
It was just a painfully contrasting experience of what I don't have and what I want - happiness. I don't require anything elaborate. I can only find happiness in a familiar setting because I couldn't relax in any other environment. There's comfort and peace in that. It's intimate and personal.
So why do you suppose my imagination led me back to that? I'm saddened by what's been lost. I don't try not to think about it, but I guess I haven't been dealing with it like I thought. Who the Hell wants to think about those things? The more it crosses my mind, the more ashamed I am to have fallen for him. When I think about how long I've known him for it seems extreme, my feelings for him. It seems too soon. Perception aside, it is what it is.
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