Sunday, October 11, 2009

I'm Really Terrified, Please Help Me, Day 72

Words can't express the fear I'm experiencing at this time. I've had this chronic dry cough for over a month. It started around the first fire, so I thought the fire triggered it. But now it's no longer a valid reasoning. It makes more sense if it's allergies especially since I have intense bouts of sneezes, too. I'm clearly not contagious because I have a ton of roommates and am exposed to a lot of people. No one else seems to be getting sick.

I resisted going to the doctor because I genuinely wasn't concerned about it. Plus the cough has started to minimize in intensity. But my friends, one in particular, has finally convinced me about the urgency of going. Part of me made the appointment just to shut him up, but I'm starting to get really scared. I'm not usually afraid of going to the doctor, which worries me that maybe something is wrong with me. Why else would I be terrified about something that never scared me before? Is this why I have avoided going for so long, and I've busied myself to not face my feelings and fears behind my procrastination?

It isn't an obnoxiously loud cough that scares me, though, although maybe it should. I just started getting this severe rash all over my skin, and it's spreading like wildfire. I believe I started getting it Wednesday night. Friday night I was completely panicked, desperately trying to convince my friend that my skin feels uneven as though the rash is spreading. It wasn't very visible, but I could feel it because I know my skin.

A moment of weakness and vulnerability washed over me. I wish he (not my friend I was hanging out with but someone else) was there. He told me one day that he would be able to recognize my face just through touch because he's touched it so many times to recognize it. (Is that really what casual is to him? Either he's lying, or I wonder what serious is to him). I wanted someone who knew my face well like that to see if the rash was spreading, but mostly I missed him. It's annoying, desperate, and lame that I think of him at any opportunity. It's creepy! I want it to go away! I bet he's able to move on with his life. Why can't I do that?

Back to my point, I'm really scared. What is this? By yesterday it was undoubtedly spreading, and I have rashes over my eyelids. What I'm afraid of is what if it gets so severe that I can't open my eyes? Obviously I'll have to go to the doctor's then. But how will I get there? This isn't normal. What am I so afraid of discovering? I'm more afraid of what I'll learn than my eyelids being shut.

No comments:

Post a Comment