Thursday, October 8, 2009

My Outlet, Day 69

Lately I feel like all I do is spill of emotions and premonitions. All I do is feel, but I don't always understand. I wish I can believe what I feel. How can I not believe what I feel? That makes no sense to me. I honestly feel like I'm learning to, though.

Someone said something that counteracts what I've observed, feel, trust, and experienced. Who do I trust? Am I honestly supposed to trust myself when all I seem to do is live in a whirlwind of doubts to avoid trusting? Am I honestly supposed to trust the person who said that I could trust myself, whom I believe, and trust myself when that same person tells me that I can't trust myself? I was crushed. But I didn't feel surprised, even though I'm in doubt about it. I've never believed in fairy tale endings or that candy-coated la la happy thoughts. But for the first time I've discovered that sad endings are still better than no beginnings. I even told my roommate that I feared things would end badly, but the experience is still something I want to have. No, the memories. I want to remember them fresh in my mind.

I don't understand why I don't hate this person or why I'm not mad at him, but I'm not. I can't be. I don't understand. After what happened, it's the logical thing to do. It's what makes sense. He says it's because I'm growing. I'm learning to understand and feel, so I see where he's coming from. It's allowed me to empathize. It's ironic that I don't understand because I'm starting to understand. If I understand, I feel like I should understand. And I don't. But I think he's right.

Technicalities aside, he knows that he's betrayed me and lied to me because he knows me. I have a hard time believing what I heard today and not because it isn't what I want. I have difficulty because I feel it's a lie. That doesn't change what he's ultimately decided. There's nothing I can do but respect it. I wish if he lied to me today, though, to make it easier that he would admit that. I'll still respect his wish, but I want to know that I can trust myself.

I feel like since he's betrayed my trust, my feelings should just go away and that I should guard up. I know that's not how it works. But why not? Feelings and pain drive people to do horrible things. If our bodies were trained to be numb, we could be better off in some ways. Instead I tell him that I'm ready, even still after what happened, to take down some walls around him. And I did, some major ones. It was the most naturally painful feeling I experienced. I wanted nothing more at that moment than for him to hold me and everything else just disappear. No time, no school, no people, no pain, no hurt, no complication, just that moment. I'm sure there are better moments, but that's what I wanted.

I felt so guilty, manipulative, and weak for wanting that because although I wanted to be comforted, I wanted him. I wanted to be in HIS arms, I wanted him to hold me, I wanted to be close to him, I wanted to feel him, I wanted to squeeze in any moment I can with him, I want to pretend even for just a second that being that close to him meant we were together. Why can't I just hate him? Why can't I just slap him? Why do I want to be wrapped around by the arms of someone who did that to me? What's wrong with me? Why do I have these thoughts? Why won't they go away? Why are they controlling me? Why am I so inappropriate?

When I admitted how inappropriate it was that I wanted him to hold me, he said that it wasn't. And he was right. I knew how much I missed him and how safe he made me feel. It was more than just a friend comforting or at least it was for me. Maybe it was for him too. All I remember was that I wanted everything else to melt away. But one more thing rang through. He was honestly being a genuine friend. I know this because the way he was holding me was the exact way another friend was holding me in a vision.

This friend and I were together in some future possibilities, but in one of them he was just a good friend. He was honestly there to comfort me. It wasn't intimate or romantic, just caring. How devastating is it that I know it wasn't inappropriate for the guy I want nothing more than to be with was just being a friend because I can reference a vision I had of another friend doing the exact same thing in a reality where he wasn't interested in me romantically, either. I turned to him because I know I can count on him from my visions, but that's not who he is yet.

"I don't know how to put it in words. I'm confused. I feel things I don't understand cuz I've blocked emotions for too long. I feel like I'm drowning. I feel selfish for bothering you with it. I shouldn't rely on my visions, but I know I can talk to you. The only person I feel I can talk to is someone I never hung out with based on visions. Pathetic." That's a text I sent to him. He said that I'm a great writer and I should use it as my outlet.

I've had this chronic cough for months, and some friends have been all over my ass about getting it checked out. One person has finally motivated me to go. I've also been exhibiting these rashes all over my skin today, too. I just found out that my rent is going to be raised in an unreasonable capacity. There's bullshit speculation that my rent was always more than what I've been paying. It's ridiculous. They're lies, but I don't have time to entertain them. I have to move out. My expenses have officially exceeded my income. I can't afford anything. I completely broke down today only to realize that I'm tired of trying to make things happen. I can't force anyone to be friends with me just because my visions show us being close. But even worse I can't make him have the same feelings I have of him. I can't make my visions go away. I can't make my feelings go away. All I seem to be able to do is make the one person I want to be with to not be with me because I'm not important enough, good enough, or I'm not really sure why.

Every aspect of my life seems to suck. I can't even enjoy that I'm growing as a person. With my home being in jeopardy. With my finances gone completely haywire. With my health completely in shreds. You know what's on my mind? He is. All I kept thinking today while all of this was happening was that my life sucks so badly that I don't even have time to miss him, to be sad about how things turned out or how it didn't. When I finally got some time to feel everything that's happening, all I can think about is him. Why him out of everything that's going on in my life? Because he was the one who could've been....but I guess I was never his.

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