Friday, October 2, 2009

Emotional Attack, Day 63

The past few days I've made more progress in my emotional growth than I have my entire life. Opening up to my roommate lifted this burden and was a real eye-opener. I even stood on the right side yesterday, which is a huge deal for me. I like being on the left side. I've never been on the right for as long as I have. When I was on the right, it made me so uncomfortable that I felt shaky. That's not a normal reaction was what I kept thinking. And it isn't. But I'm missing the point.

I was on the right side! That's amazing! I deliberately put myself in a situation that made me uncomfortable as a way to deal with it. Standing there, I realized that I have habits that I'm not even fully aware of. I was fidgety. I knew that day that I was going to stand on that side as a form of practice. I kept going back and forth, though. I didn't realize it at the time, but switching back and forth for my ease was burdening my problem on my friend. After I was specifically told to not dump my problems on any of my other friends, I wasn't even aware I was doing it until someone else showed me.

I love that I have friends that'll be my eyes when I need them to be. But it's also crippling. I need to observe these things and be aware of them myself. I feel like I've had emotional attacks. I woke up yesterday morning being smiley happy, and I couldn't define it. It felt weird, but I liked it. And I went with it until night came and I worked through what I was afraid of. Even as I type, I find myself fluctuating between being happy and having that awkward goosebump feeling. Variation has always been a part of my life. I need to embrace it internally.

I realized that these emotional attacks aren't actually attacks. My body is just responding that way because it's foreign substance to me. I don't want it to be. I want it to be a part of me. It is. I just need to accept that. Sometimes I have this feeling that I should be alone, and I'm consumed with trying to find someone, anyone to hang out with. That insistence is weird, but I never questioned it. Some time between Thursday and today, it dawned on me that those are the days I'm most receptive to my emotions and myself. It scares me.

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