Saturday, October 3, 2009

The Dualistic Nature That is Me, Day 64

Last night was an experience that made me realize that I have the ability to not just trust others but trust myself. Yet I clearly struggled with it. But there's something to be said that I went through with it. I didn't think I had it in me. Being so cynical and distrusting for most of my life, I can't ignore the "signs". Habits, moments, and experiences that I nitpick and focus on as evidence that I can't trust anyone. I'd like to one day not be that person, but it's quite possible that I'll struggle with that for the rest of my life because it's so deeply ingrained within me.

I don't want to indulge in that possibility, but when my mind addressed that concern, something clicked. I don't know what my future holds. I may or may not become that person. Right now I'm not that person. That's in the here and now. I want to change that, but in the meantime I do struggle with it. I don't trust people the way I should. I trust, but I have doubts that shouldn't be there. I can't deny them or pretend that it isn't there because it's dishonest, unhealthy, and the very thought process that's rooted in my issues, whatever those are. I have excess thoughts, and they aren't going to go away overnight. So all that I can do now is trust myself and focus on what really matters. I've been feeding my insecurities and doubts for far too long. I have to trust that there's only one truth, which makes the other a fallacy.

Do I trust? I believe so. Are there doubts? Yes. In life, there are no guarantees. I view "trust" as 100%, and that's not what it is, which means that until my mind wraps its head around the true meaning of trust, I may have doubts. I just have to make sure that they don't consume me. I used to push these fears into the back of my mind until it ripped through. It's better that I inventory that this feeling exists, whether it's just residual paranoia or something real. I can no longer look away.

My dream showed me that last night. It's been so long since I've dreamed. Last night I was picking lice out of my hair. I kept parting and diligently removing the lice and collecting it in the palm of my hand. I was removing the lice from my hair by using a mirror. According to, seeing your own reflection suggests that I have pondering thoughts about my inner self. The reflection in the mirror is how I want to perceive myself and how I want others to see me. I may be contemplating on strengthening and changing aspects of my character. The last part is unquestionably true. It's possible that I want people to see me as I saw myself in the mirror, not the way I should be and yet working towards correcting that. I had lice in my hair which proves that I'm contaminated, but I was also removing it. I'm sucking the poison out of my life.

It was a rather brief dream but very vivid. I wonder if my distrusting nature manifested that dream or if the dream was merely supporting my distrust because there's legitimate concern. I can go back and forth in an attempt to figure it out, but that only stunts the process. I feel that I can trust. I see things that make me question it. I feel like I always see those things, though. Those interpretations don't define reality. That's as far as I know now, and as far as I want to take it.

The fact that I can accept that is tremendous progress for me. I don't want to be egotistical by over emphasizing it, but I do want to address it. My problem has always been that I focus on the wrong details, and I don't see the full picture. So as I run the risk of being egotistical, I toot my own horn for the baby steps I'm taking. Speaking of baby steps....


I'm going to learn how to ride a bike. The idea of riding a bike is a long, painful, torturous story about my past. A detail I'll keep to myself. I thought it was a life's passage that I escaped and one I've wanted to escape for so long. But with many things for my past, it's catching up to me. I'm scarred by it, but I don't think to such a degree that I can't overcome it. I've had a couple of really good friends offer to teach me. For some reason, it's not been something I've been interested in pursuing until today! :) It's actually a new friend who offered to teach me. I'm really surprised that I trust him seeing how I just met him, but I had this feeling that I should tell him I don't know how to ride a bicycle. When I told him, he said that he thought it'd be funny but would love to teach me. That totally works for me. I'm not really sure why, but who cares! I've actually become more and more interested in the idea of it lately, but I hadn't found anyone I trusted enough to want to pursue that. It's also me, though. I wasn't ready until now.

I titled this blog Dualistic Nature because so much happens in my life that I spend so much time trying to figure out which aspect of my life I want to blog about. That's when it hit me. My life will probably always be a roller coaster. Maybe by embracing this, I'm jinxing it. I don't know. But this is how I feel. This is what it is now. All I can do is either let it take hostage of me or adapt to the circumstance I seem to have little control over. That's the key to having control. That and sometimes learning to let go, one of my greatest struggles. I'll always have choices. I'll always feel burdened because choices invite burden into our lives. I'm not willing to eliminate choices, though. So all I can do is make the best out of what I have, which means choosing what I want to focus on in my life. I can't ignore things I'd rather neglect, but I can define which ones are my priorities. The dream I had and my decision to learn how to ride a bike are the two priorities I want to focus on.

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