Monday, October 5, 2009

I Hold onto Anger, Day 66

People who know me know that I can be a resentful, vicious bitch. So yeah I can hold onto anger. It’s a natural state to be in if I wanted to be. It used to be. That’s not how I instinctively react anymore, but that habit still exists in me. My fault lies in not being fully aware of it. I’m no longer outwardly angry, so it’s as though I’ve eluded myself into believing that the anger no longer burns inside of me, that the fire has been long dead. Yet it remains.

I don’t want that anymore, and I think that’s the first step towards correcting it, letting it go! By pouring all that excess out, I can invite new energy in. I thank the people in my life who help me to realize that every day. I love you all, but I’d like to become the person one day who can do this on my own without someone putting a mirror up to the obvious. I want to reach that kind of self-awareness. I’ll always need people in my life to observe what I can’t for myself, but this is something I should be more connected to.

I feel like releasing the anger is a step towards the right direction. Obviously. In the past, I wasn’t ready to. I think it was one of the few constants in my life. Then so much crap happened that I didn’t have the time to direct anger out openly, but I must’ve still continued it on a subconscious level. I just assumed something in me changed. Then the anger felt absent, so I thought I was over it. I don’t hear the frustration in my voice because it’s been a part of me for so long. It’s evident to others, though. I have to stop seeing things as trivial.

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