Saturday, October 10, 2009

I'm the One Who's Never the One, Day 71

I hate to hear girls bitch that no one likes them. It feels so bleak, self-pitying, exaggerated, one-sided, and takes on a self-defeatist tone. But after an established pattern exists, it'd be neglectful to ignore the possibility that you're a factor in this equation. He was right when he said that after a while it's time that I stop looking at others and look within myself.

It seems like I'm the one who's never the one. Most of my friends are guys. They treat me and act like I'm one of the guys. They call me James for short. On occasion I'll meet someone who's interested in having sex but not in pursuing a relationship with me.

I went dancing with a friend last night. He said he had a hard time believing that I don't have a boyfriend because I'm pretty, I'm interesting, and I'm smart. He questioned whether I socialize or not, even though he knows I do. That's how much he was in disbelief. He assumed that guys at least find me sexually attractive. Very rarely. Then he just assumed that I reject guys but that they're there. Wrong again. Yet what I find interesting is that he's in disbelief because when he first met me he wanted to sleep with me, but he admitted that he never liked me. That still rings true. So why is it so hard to believe that other guys carry the same perspective? He thinks I can't find someone who's looking for the same things as me because I'm limiting my exposure to guys who are exclusively sexual, and he suggested that I try interacting with older men. I know many guys of all ages and backgrounds and different desires.

It's one thing if I surround myself with guys who are only looking for sex and that's all I get. But I don't do that. I have a diverse exposure. They just aren't interested in me beyond a sexual capacity, if even that. It makes me feel like a cheap date. What is it about me that makes my peak just sexual? What's worse is that I won't sleep with anyone I'm not with, so there's no benefit whatsoever.

There's a possibility that a friend had a crush on me. Assuming that was even the case, he's clearly over me. I have another friend who's married. He admitted that he once liked me a lot. If his feelings for me were that strong and that deep, why didn't he pursue me? He chose work over me. I wasn't important enough to make a priority in his life. It seems stupid to dwell over them because I'm not interested in either of them, but I do dislike feeling inadequate.

There's one guy who's opinion of me matters greatly. He either lied to me then or is lying to me now. That means that he did have feelings for me at one point and lost interest in me as he spent more time with me. Or he was never interested in me and lied to me and used me, which means that he never cared, ever. Or he does and/or did have real, meaningful feelings for me. But they aren't important enough to pursue.

I've resisted writing this blog entry, even though this thought has been circulating in my mind strongly for the past couple of days after a recent incident. It's not an insecurity I want to address. I also feel like expressing it will make these concerns more real. I'm relieved to experience a sense of release. I don't feel like a lame loser like I thought I would.

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