Friday, October 9, 2009

Knowledge is Power But Power Can Be Destructive, Day 70

I've always known that knowledge is power. Either I've experienced it. I've had it flowing through my veins, and I could feel it. Or I observed it and witnessed its power. But all that I've seen and felt before was ruthless, one-dimensional, intellectually thirsty power that's consuming. I thought that's the only knowledge there is. Maybe it is. But I'm realizing that's it's not enough.

There has to be balance in life. Feel with your heart. Think with your mind. The mind can never compensate what the heart can offer. It's an inadequate source. Even knowledge has its drawbacks especially if you crutch onto it. It'll start to paralyze your feelings. When that happens, you stop being human. You don't know how you feel. You don't know how others feel. You don't know what to make of what you feel or don't feel. Who do you trust? Knowledge will never offer you those answers because it's cerebral.

I fear that the more "knowledge" you have, the more power you have. But not every power is good. Some is destructive, harmful, painful, ruthless, heartless, cruel, mean, suffocating, and devastating. Yet you feel so little of it when you need to, when you should. I realized that last night as I observed my roommate persistently, diligently, and kindly re-iterate information optimistically in hopes that the contents of her message will be delivered. After a many grueling hours, she succeeded.

I don't think her kindness and care was deserved. But I suppose that's not the point. It isn't about what other people deserve. It's what you can offer. She's the kind of person who will give that to someone because that's who she is. Is that who I am? Is that someone I can become? Is that someone I want to become? Or will I just be trapped in this destruction of knowing which leaves me hardened and callous towards people I know will be vicious long before it occurs. It makes me cynical. It keeps me safe. It prepares me. I saw someone's vindictive nature deeply hidden within him long before he even knew it existed. I knew it was beginning to surface. I can feel us contributing to its manifestation. I felt it being conceived. I saw it grow. It keeps me sharp. But it also stifles me.

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