Friday, October 23, 2009

A Manifestion of Emotions Through Allergies, Day 82

My body's been screaming at me lately, and all I've done is ignore it. It began with a chronic cough. After a month of ignoring that, my arms and legs broke out in a gnarly rash. It's like my body knows that I'll ignore it, so it's finding new ways to make me pay attention. It just keeps getting worse and worse. Okay, now I'm listening. But my body's gotten used to extreme reactions that I can't shut it off.

I finally got the rashes checked out. I have an extreme case of allergies, not food allergies, just allergies. The itchiness was so intense that I got an infection. I had to take antibiotics for the infection and allergy meds. I completely crashed. I became weak, slow, and incoherent. After a week of that, the meds finally kicked in and the rash is starting to minimize.

With all this commotion over my skin, I started to neglect the original symptom - a cough, which went away with my allergy meds. I held off on taking prescription cough syrup in hopes that the oral allergy meds would alleviate the problem, and it did. But around the time that it treated the cough, I began experiencing chest pain.

It started Sunday. It was a slight discomfort that I only noticed when I ate or drank. After four consecutive sips or small bites, I would feel a little pressure. I only noticed it because I don't usually feel that way when I eat. But other than that, it was mild. It's gotten so much worse, which makes it sound more intense than it is. I feel this pressure all the time now, and it makes eating and hydrating an unpleasant experience and one I've began avoiding. Clearly not the best course of action.

It got so bad that I haven't slept properly for the past couple of days because lying down applies too much pressure on my chest. Part of me wonders if I'm making the discomfort worse by being conscientious of it. Burping seems to relieve it temporarily, but I could barely do that. In the midst of the rash, I totally forgot about the chest x-rays I was supposed to have done. But now I'm getting really scared because I was terrified when I first heard chest x-rays.

It's a common procedure after having a chronic cough for as long as I have. Procedures don't usually frighten me, and the way I quickly "forgot" about it makes me wonder if I'm subconsciously trying to avoid it because I fear what the results will uncover. Or maybe I'm just exaggerating about this whole thing. Maybe my body is just doing this as a way to force me to follow through on a basic procedure.

Either possibility is plausible until I get the chest x-ray and I find some answers. If I'm subconsciously fearful for something valid, I need to rush to get this done. If my body is just crying wolf, by addressing it, hopefully it'll go away. I keep wondering why such extreme reactions are occurring within my body, and then something hit me. My friend checked up on me yesterday to make sure I was okay, even though he knew I was working which would imply that I'm okay because as he put it,"I have my ups and downs throughout the day."

It was an accurate description of how I've been for the past couple of weeks, but it was such an odd analogy for allergies. That sounds more like a manic he's talking about. Then it hit me. Maybe this is my body's way of emotionally reacting. Maybe that's why it's sporadic, random, intense, extreme, and unpredictable. They have all of the characteristics that emotions and feelings carry.

I thought I was doing "okay", okay being a relative term. I accept it. Sometimes thoughts float by. Then they leave. Other times I was telling my roommate how I feel absent of feelings, and it's weird. I guess it doesn't seem natural. I thought I wasn't intentionally suppressing emotions, but maybe I am? (As I was proofreading my writing, I found that I didn't type wasn't in the previous sentence. I wrote out: I thought I WAS intentionally suppressing emotions).

Today my skin is raw red and flaking dry. I have no idea why it's like this. On Monday my face swelled up pink and I couldn't open my left eye. I started to recover as I was talking to my roommate and beginning to feel better about concerns in my life. That correlates with my theory that these allergies are a manifestation of feelings I've been ignoring or avoiding. I suppose awareness of this is the first step, but I don't know how to fix it.

I came home today and the instant I walked in, she asked if I was okay. I felt off, but I can't define it. I still can't, so I lied to her and said everything was fine only to realize that my face is super red. Even if I can't understand why I feel whatever I feel, I think it's important to be aware of it. She said she could "feel" that something was wrong with me. How can others know this about me before I do? Am I really that emotionally-inept? And has it become so problematic that I'll continue to have these types of manifestations?

My allergy meds have left me emotionally dead and I'm detached from my visions. A mild annoyance with a friend of mine suspended all of my premonitions, and that surprises me. It scares me that he has that kind of power over me, but it was a learning experience. I have known for a while that I'm connected to him and in ways I wish I wasn't at this point in my life, but a suspension over something so trivial is telling. As much as I hate my visions and wish they would go away, I felt like a piece of me was missing when they were gone. Yet I did feel more calmer and peaceful, but it was still unnatural. I'm going to learn have to co-exist in the midst of visions that slam, thrash, or calmly enter my world unexpectedly. I have to find the center of my hurricane because I can't be someone I'm not. I'm not a girl without visions. Sometimes I wish I were, but that's all it is - a wish.

I think it's time I try and set up a session with an acupuncturist friend of mine. If this is an emotional glitch, I can't think of a better person to help me with this. But I hate the idea of asking for his help, even though this is his job and he needs the business. We've been trying to hang out since spring, but fucker's always so busy. I have these visions about who he can be to me or could've been, and I think most of it has passed. Those possibilities no longer exist in this reality because of other events that have occurred. But I'm disappointed by the idea that we finally make time to "hang out" when I need him. My visions suggest something so much more meaningful than that.

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