Friday, September 18, 2009

Why I Try So Hard, Day "52"

Ever since I became the girl who gets premonitions, I've changed. I'm more emotionally-connected. I'm receptive. I feel more. I'm more invested in people. Things matter more to me. I'm empathic. A friend of mine told me that one of my powers is empath. I do observe how my desires manifest in the "feelings" and behaviors of others.

I've always been an independent person. I value people's opinions and their ability to make their own choices. So when a person appeared uninterested in me, I didn't put much effort...until the last guy. He was a friend of mine, but I called him every so often because I wondered what he was up to. We'd talk briefly, and that was it. I talked to him a couple times a month until he had some free time and asked if I wanted to hang out with him. That was me socializing with a friend. I didn't fully realize at the time that I liked him.

Had I have been aware of my feelings, I wouldn't have been so direct in my actions. He was surprised when I closed up when the romance actually started because it was inconsistent. I even went out of my way to sabotage that relationship, and I still regret it. Even though I know that things have changed, I'm still sad about the outcome. I don't think I'll ever forget about the first guy I could've fallen in love with.

I think it was also hard because of the premonitions. I know what it could've been like. But I truly believe that every action has a consequence and that we all have a destiny but that destiny isn't fixed. As things change and you go on a different path, your destiny changes with it. This experience has taught me a lot. I'm no longer afraid of the idea of being with someone and really getting close because I know what I could be missing.

I'm starting to realize that premonitions aren't happenings; they're possibilities. I get all sorts of premonitions. 1) Some are more likely to happen than others. 2) Some are less likely to happen but still a possibility nonetheless. 3) Some are what I can only describe as inapplicable. They're possibilities that could have occurred but something changed, so it's no longer possible anymore. That isn't to say that the contents won't occur, but it won't occur in that way in that time. 4) Some are premonitions of what could happen in another reality not our own or this reality anyways. 5) Some are premonitions of what's happening in another reality at the exact moment I'm having that premonition. Those premonitions are fascinating, surprising, contrastingly different yet unsurprising, shocking, depressing, happy, and/or etc.

All of these premonitions are interconnected somehow. I understand some, and some I don't. It may be because I'm not receptive or it may be because I'm never meant to get it. What I notice and understand the most is how diverse and different these premonitions are from one another. Yet in a set of premonitions I get about a friend, the common denominator is that we're good friends. In some premonitions we're close friends, too, or something more. But what's most important to me now is to be good friends with him. There are worse things. I know. Do I want more? Sure, but I'm willing to settle with good friends. What more can I ask for?

I get so many premonitions and such a diverse set of them, and the one common denominator is our friendship. I truly believe that at the very least we're meant to be good friends. And that's why I put so much effort into trying to hang out. We're both so busy, and we have our own thing going on. But I try to see if he has time because I want what I see. This is one of those things where if I don't work for it, I fear it won't happen. This is where I've changed. The old me wouldn't have bothered, but the old me had no idea what I would've been missing out on.

I hate the idea of trying so hard to hang out with someone. It makes me feel like the effort is a necessary form of coercion to make it happen, which makes me feel like it's pressured and forced somehow. If someone wants to hang out with me, I shouldn't have to put so much effort. I wonder how much of this is my insecurity talking. I worry that he never has time to hang out because he chooses not to. But my friend reminded me that deep down we know how we feel and the truth. I know I'm not bothering him, but the circumstance makes it so easy for me to indulge my paranoia. What is it they say? Some things are worth working for. If I'm getting so many different premonitions about our friendship and I want it, it makes it feel like it's worth the effort.

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