Saturday, September 5, 2009

Not Alone, Day 41

The past few days have been emotionally-intense for me. I experienced moments of weakness. I felt burdened with the problems of others, while trying to keep myself from drowning in my own pain. Feeling helpless and being undernourished, I was shaking and crying for reasons not fully understandable. I think I was reacting to the fact that I feel like I have no control over my life.

My friends know that I'll be there for them, and that'll never change. But it's not my responsibility to play a therapist to strangers in an inappropriate situation that prevents me from doing what's necessary, only to be used and portrayed in a negative light that keeps me from doing my thing. It's not fair for me to take the blow for you and then get lashed out because you're inadequate and unable to maintain integrity, while compromising my own as a result. I want how people perceive me to be exactly how I carry myself or close to it. I don't want the actions of others, something I have no control over, polluting the opinion of others. This has been my burden to bear, and I'm tired of it.

I finally buckled under the pressure and broke down. I'm too busy trying to get shit done, catch up, and race against time that I'm unable to process what's going on and experience all that's happening. I had a good suffocating, painful, cathartic cry that released some of the burdens that weighed me down. I try so desperately to hang on, to keep from falling apart but nothing I do seems to work. I thought I got past it or at least moved forward. But as it turns out, I've just distracted myself from reality because I can't face how I really feel.

In the meantime, all of my other feelings and emotions keep deepening and developing because of all the other crap that goes on in my life. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. I'm being from all directions. I have no control over my own life. What I voice goes unheard. What I feel seems to have no place in this reality. The thoughts of others are invading my mind. Reality merges. I lose myself in the cloud of confusion. I feel weak and tired, trapped in a parallel to do wrong and leave everything behind. I'm no longer the hurricane, the force of nature, just a dead fighter tormented by incessant thoughts when I have the time to entertain them.

I have no time to focus on myself. When I do, I spiral out of control. But I realize now that I'm not alone. I'm not the only one suffering and in pain. It doesn't make me happy that others hurt, but it's comforting to know that I'm not alone. My ex looks ragged and damaged, something I feel awful about. But there's a twisted comfort in knowing that I affected him, that I meant that much to someone. Lately I've been feeling like I've been neglected and unconsidered by the people who matter to me the most. I was wrong.

I began this blog to help me become more connected with myself. But as a result, now I'm more connected with others. I want to connect more with all of the elements - air, earth, fire, and water. I'm beginning to connect with the people around me. It's not as singular as I once perceived it to be. It's universal, and everything is interconnected.

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