New Layers of Discoveries, Day 47

I feel like so much has happened or, more accurately, so much has been discovered. It's amazing how much I can learn from the most mundane experiences when I'm open to them. I had an epiphany for why difficult is simple for me and why simple is difficult for me. When I'm introduced foreign concepts, familiar examples are presented to make them understandable to me. It's by relating to them that I'm able to grasp it. When things are in its simplest forms, such comparisons aren't offered or even available. So I'm required to process everything for what it is, and that's a challenge for me.

I also learned more about friendships. I have a friend. I have no doubt in our friendship, but sometimes it feels like an inactive one because we've never been able to hang out outside of work. The only time he was willing to make time for me is when I needed help with a move, but that speaks volumes for the kind of person he is, the kind of person I must be for him to make such a gesture, and the kind of friendship we have. Friendship isn't about how much socializing you do with a person. It's about how connected you are and how much you care for that person.

This is something, I believe, I've always known, but it's become clearer to me. I've become a more trusting person. I no longer wait years and years and years until I get to know a person before I open up. I use my intuition, and it leads me. I shared something deep with a friend who I felt I had an inactive friendship with, and it went well. I think lasting friendships are just historical evidence of what we already feel in our hearts.

The more discoveries I make about myself, the more I realize how much I don't know about myself. It doesn't frighten me as much as I feared it would. As it turns out, it's a comfort to be aware of this reality. It makes sense. I used to carry this strong sense of self. I was told it was bullshit, and I've recently realized the depths to that truth. I carried that burden because I wasn't ready to face that I have no freaking idea who I am.

I look at others, and they seem so certain of themselves. He's a drummer. He's a guitarist. He's a humanitarian. He's a creative soul. Their talents appear refined, and they seem certain of who they are. That may or may not be true, but I suppose it doesn't really matter. I'm where I'm at, and I want to make progress. To do that, it's important I remove any false labels such as "I know who I am!" No, I fucking don't! But I want to. Now I'm making progress.

My premonitions aren't happenings; they're possibilities I see. I can't hang on to them, and I have to stop being anxious about knowing, which is an ingrained tendency in me. My emotional stability is important enough that I'll have to change. I'm finally starting to see how destructive my self-sabotaging nature is. I used to only be afraid. But I discovered something magical. "The ability to enjoy life is worth the ability to feel loss."

I've always felt pain and loss, but I've never allowed myself to feel happiness. These premonitions have given me that. I may not always like them. Sometimes I hate them and wish they would go away. But the truth is that without it, I wouldn't have truly experienced happiness because I'm not living it. That's just it, though. I'm not living it, so it makes how I feel out of place or out of time.

I must remember. It's not a race, nor is it a balance beam. I used to freely express myself without much caution, thought, or consideration. But now I feel more connected to people. I can sense the connection that currently exists, as well as what could exist. So I open up a lot more than what seems appropriate. Then again, that's my perception. Who's to say I'm right? At the end of the day if I feel that I can open up like that even though I haven't known someone for long, I should. I shouldn't punish or deny someone trust because they don't have seniority. That's so discriminating. I grew up in such a bigoted environment, and I hated it. I never knew how much that actually stuck with me.

Thoughts really do change reality. I can't deny that I feel like it's out of place to open up as much as I do about a person I haven't even hung out with outside of work. But I shouldn't resist what feels right. It may end up being wrong, but I shouldn't ignore how I feel, either. It just seems weird to open up so much when so little has been said or exchanged. Perception can be so self-sabotaging. It does feel weird to me, and I'll accept that. But it's not a balance beam. I don't have to match my openness to his. It's not a race, either. I don't have to open up more to him to prove to myself that I can. It is what it is.