Thursday, September 3, 2009

Moment of Weakness, Day "39"

I guess a relapse was inevitable. With everything weighing on me, it's no wonder that I snapped. The thing is that I could've contained it, but I didn't want to. That's new. It's the first time I let the moment of weakness take hostage of me, and it freed me. As awful as it is to embrace the pain, I can release it when I deal with it. I never knew that before. But what is it about experiencing a moment of weakness that makes everything rush back?

I have thought about my ex since our break-up and probably will continue to for a while for a thousand different reasons. He's the first guy I was with who I felt I could fall in love with. He's the first guy I opened up to, even if I didn't do it very well. He's the first guy I was vulnerable around. He's the guy I sabotaged out of my life. He's the guy who changed me, who changed my life. The lessons he tried to teach me are timeless and lessons that keep on giving. When I share them, I think of him. There's also a lot I'm still learning and understanding. Until I do, my thoughts are with him. Who knows? Maybe even long after. But today was the first time since I've started this blog that I've missed him and longed for him.

As I was crying and breaking down for reasons I don't fully understand, other than a weakened state and everything crashing down on me, I remembered feeling safe with him. In fact, he's the only person I ever felt safe with. I've been around my friends who love and care about me, so much so that I know they'd be willing to die for me. But never have I felt safe with them. It was only him. I wanted so much to feel safe. I was struggling with the vulnerability that my moment of weakness invited. I hated being vulnerable around him, but he made me feel safe. I wanted that feeling, to feel safe and to have a place where I feel I can be vulnerable even if I struggled with it. I don't know how to do this on my own.

Will I always think of him every time I face a moment of weakness until I learn how to become a stronger person? How long will that take? How much stronger can I possibly be? It takes so much strength to keep it together. Or will I just replace him with someone else? No, that could never happen. He'll never be replaceable. Besides, to be replaceable, a replacement would have to be around. There's no one there, not that I'm interested. Today is a pisces day for me. I'm thrashing in my watery state, feeling like I'm going to drown in my own emotions.

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