I hate how I feel. I hate being in pain. I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate being lonely. I hate being reminded of my mistakes. I hate dealing with the regret I try so hard to escape from. I keep thinking I faced it. But as time passes and moments of weakness paralyze me, I realize that I'm a better liar than anyone's ever given me credit for because I can even deceive myself. I wish things were different, but they aren't. This is reality.
I began this blog to learn how to be exposed, to be daring, to help myself. I was surprised to discover how much pain, insight, depth, growth, and suffering has plagued and released me. I've always been open but one-dimensional about it for most of my life. I was surprised how openly I could express myself on this blog. It's quite liberating. It's taken new form and it's changed me.
I have my friend who inspired me to thank for that. I wouldn't have found the courage to do this without her. I was surprised to discover how similar things were for us. Our experiences and pains are different, but we were going through the same thing, trying to find ourselves after a breakup that's changed us. I found inspiration through her vice versa. It became an altruistic relationship. What's interesting is that I've been focused for so long on my own problems that I haven't found the time to properly view her blog. But when I did, I was saddened to discover that things aren't going well for her, either. Around the same time her blog was becoming neglected, so was mine.
I know our environment influences us, but I wasn't even viewing her blog. I had no idea that she's been distracted because things were going well until the pain of moving forward has paralyzed her until she hit a point of depression. At this very moment in time, I want nothing more than for us to know, to feel that the pain we're going through is a necessary process and one that'll be worth it in the future because all it is now is crippling. I was able to appreciate the philosophy behind her blog, to understand the relationship between her own relationships and mother nature, the powerful circle of life. But I don't think I fully understood it until now.
She expressed that the condition of her garden is a reflection of herself, how she takes care of herself is mirrored through her garden. When her garden is neglected, she's neglected. There are imbalances in her life. I feel that's true for her, but it wouldn't be for me. That's because gardening isn't a priority for me. I'm not connected to it like she is. But everyone has a garden. This blog is my garden. I haven't blogged four times in the past week. It's a reflection of my life.
I became less interested in blogging as sadness took over the bulk of my life because I didn't want to have that whiny blog. But I realized something. This blog was born through my sadness and survived it because I was willing to express the good AND the bad. I can't selectively choose to eliminate realities in my life, and this blog is supposed to mirror my life. Unfortunately, it's not always good. I created this blog for myself. I have to remember that. It should be authentic to how I feel.
How can I ever expect to move forward if I'm pretending that everything's okay when it clearly isn't? Sometimes it's best to let the misery overwhelm you like I did yesterday. I stayed in bed all day and night, but today I feel refreshed from the toxic release. I spent the past three days experiencing mini-cry sessions, but I didn't feel "better" until I spent an entire day wallowing. I'm not trying to be self-pitying, but it's true.
Sometimes I think life mirrors certain aspects of our lives. My friend and I have more similarities than I realized before. Sometimes it feels like we mirror each other, so I hope that by posting this it gives her inspiration. I know it sounds cheesy and being depressed can't really be cured with a single post, but we have to manifest our desires somehow.