Saturday, September 19, 2009

Life Mirrors, Day "53"

Lately I've been feeling sad, weak, defeated, vulnerable, helpless, unloved, inadequate, lost, and filled with regret. The past few days have been difficult. I've been crying. I'm still stuffy and congested from a deep, heavy, cathartic cry. It's the third time I've cried today. I've been experiencing moments of weakness and I feel like I'm drowning in my premonitions and sadness. I don't know what to do, how I feel, or how to move forward. The pain paralyzes me. But I know I'll be okay. What else can I do? As I write these words I feel overwhelmed with fakeness because I don't feel okay. Nothing's ever certain in life. So why should I be expressing something undefined and so uncertain with such confidence, as though I have a clue about what I'm talking about? Desire.

I hate how I feel. I hate being in pain. I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate being lonely. I hate being reminded of my mistakes. I hate dealing with the regret I try so hard to escape from. I keep thinking I faced it. But as time passes and moments of weakness paralyze me, I realize that I'm a better liar than anyone's ever given me credit for because I can even deceive myself. I wish things were different, but they aren't. This is reality.

I began this blog to learn how to be exposed, to be daring, to help myself. I was surprised to discover how much pain, insight, depth, growth, and suffering has plagued and released me. I've always been open but one-dimensional about it for most of my life. I was surprised how openly I could express myself on this blog. It's quite liberating. It's taken new form and it's changed me.

I have my friend who inspired me to thank for that. I wouldn't have found the courage to do this without her. I was surprised to discover how similar things were for us. Our experiences and pains are different, but we were going through the same thing, trying to find ourselves after a breakup that's changed us. I found inspiration through her vice versa. It became an altruistic relationship. What's interesting is that I've been focused for so long on my own problems that I haven't found the time to properly view her blog. But when I did, I was saddened to discover that things aren't going well for her, either. Around the same time her blog was becoming neglected, so was mine.

I know our environment influences us, but I wasn't even viewing her blog. I had no idea that she's been distracted because things were going well until the pain of moving forward has paralyzed her until she hit a point of depression. At this very moment in time, I want nothing more than for us to know, to feel that the pain we're going through is a necessary process and one that'll be worth it in the future because all it is now is crippling. I was able to appreciate the philosophy behind her blog, to understand the relationship between her own relationships and mother nature, the powerful circle of life. But I don't think I fully understood it until now.

She expressed that the condition of her garden is a reflection of herself, how she takes care of herself is mirrored through her garden. When her garden is neglected, she's neglected. There are imbalances in her life. I feel that's true for her, but it wouldn't be for me. That's because gardening isn't a priority for me. I'm not connected to it like she is. But everyone has a garden. This blog is my garden. I haven't blogged four times in the past week. It's a reflection of my life.

I became less interested in blogging as sadness took over the bulk of my life because I didn't want to have that whiny blog. But I realized something. This blog was born through my sadness and survived it because I was willing to express the good AND the bad. I can't selectively choose to eliminate realities in my life, and this blog is supposed to mirror my life. Unfortunately, it's not always good. I created this blog for myself. I have to remember that. It should be authentic to how I feel.

How can I ever expect to move forward if I'm pretending that everything's okay when it clearly isn't? Sometimes it's best to let the misery overwhelm you like I did yesterday. I stayed in bed all day and night, but today I feel refreshed from the toxic release. I spent the past three days experiencing mini-cry sessions, but I didn't feel "better" until I spent an entire day wallowing. I'm not trying to be self-pitying, but it's true.

Sometimes I think life mirrors certain aspects of our lives. My friend and I have more similarities than I realized before. Sometimes it feels like we mirror each other, so I hope that by posting this it gives her inspiration. I know it sounds cheesy and being depressed can't really be cured with a single post, but we have to manifest our desires somehow.

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