Wednesday, September 2, 2009

A Change is Coming (Yesterday), Day "37"

As I was sitting in class I experienced a refreshing perspective, something I haven't felt in a long time especially inside of a classroom. But then again, it's been a long time since I've taken classes for myself. The energy and my professor's wisdom induced confidence in me. Frankly I appreciated her perspective more than the contents of the class.

It's a chemistry class that was created specifically for non-science majors, making it more receptive to a candidate like myself. That brief moment was life-changing. I was sitting in a classroom that was designed for me, and I felt like a foreigner. The challenge of simplicity still burns in me. Maybe I fear that if I can find solutions with ease, my mind will be clear and run the risk of dealing with emotions that I'm afraid to face. So long as I over-complicate everything, my mind is only able to focus on the task at hand. I carry that heavy thought process into every aspect of my life making it virtually impossible to deal with anything raw, real, or painful. But in order to pass this class and to be the emotionally-healthy person that I want to become, I have to invite simplicity into my life and embrace it.

I believe that the classes I've selected will encourage a change in me, deeper within myself than I could've ever imagined. My performance in the class won't be based on the quality of work I submit but the essence of humanity I manifest and apply into the work that I do. I have to be clear of mind to do well in this chemistry class. I have to harness my emotions and past experiences as a way to help myself so that I can evolve as a writer to do well in my poetry and creative non-fiction writing classes.

The day's theme felt centered on change to promote growth. I helped a friend clean his room out, and I learned more about myself through his insights about something seemingly unrelated to me. It dawned on me that I don't like to deal and face my own emotions, which is why I help others with theirs. It's a distraction from my own sickness. My desire to help others as genuine as it is has a deeply rooted selfishness to it. I want to correct that for everyone. I don't want to fear the thoughts in my own head or be too afraid to experience how I feel and clutch onto the problems of others to perpetuate the cycle. I welcome this change.

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