Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Through Growth Comes Change, Day 38

Isn't it interesting how sometimes losing someone or something and experiencing true pain is the only way to force ourselves to change? Why do we require such pain and self-sabotage to achieve greatness? My friend who inspired me to start this blog just had her two-month break-up anniversary. So much has happened to her - emotional transformation, her house was broken into, she had emotional relapses, moments of weakness, overcoming her fear and getting a tattoo, as well as dealing with the emotional repercussions of a traumatic haircut which makes me wonder if it made her feel like she lost a part of herself, re-entered the dating world, got a perspective makeover, returned to school to pursue her future career, and continues to inspire me through her strength and determination to find herself. That's a strong and courageous woman. I've always admired you, but I think now you're my hero because you've given me the power to do something amazing for myself. So I thank you.

I think it's interesting how you can never really know yourself the impact you have on others because I can imagine her reading this and being truly touched by it, but she'll probably be surprised by it, too. And I know that she'll never really know what she's done for me. The same holds true with my ex, too. He may act like an asshole now to deal with it all, but I've seen him for who he truly is. It would be easier if he was a jerk because then nothing we've shared and what he's opened up my eyes to can easily be interpreted as a fallacy. Then I wouldn't have had to undergo this most painful but meaningful emotional transformation.

I still continue to feel badly for how things turned out, how I hurt him, and I'm embarrassed for myself my fear to feel anything, but I also know that he came into my life to change me. That was his purpose, and it pains me. But it's also reality. All I can do now is to make sure that hurting him and myself wasn't an experience that'll go in vain. I see how he deals with it and how he consolidates his feelings. That's not something I want to do anymore. "The ability to enjoy life is worth the ability to feel loss."

I was talking to a friend when I shared with him that I didn't feel much until I was with this last guy because I was so emotionally-disconnected. When I was with him, I opened up, cried, and became vulnerable. When he left, I cried, really cried. I've cried in the past but not with much emotion. The last time I remember having that much feeling I was twelve. I'm twenty five years old. I went thirteen years being disconnected to basic human emotions. What's up with that? My friend made me realize that when he said, "So you went more than half your life not feeling until this guy came along." Wow. Talk about putting things into perspective.

No comments:

Post a Comment