Thursday, September 24, 2009

Puzzle Pieces, Day 58

A piece of the reality puzzle was revealed to me today only to discover that the partial picture it completed exists merely to vividly show me that it's meant to baffle me. WTF! Like I don't have enough crap going on in my life! I keep having premonitions about one of my friends. It's distracting for me and I feel invasive. I don't want to see these things, but I do. I can't help it. And I don't know what to make of it.

I snapped and had a breaking point where I revealed more than what I feel is appropriate. I think I just felt like getting things off of my chest and deep down, I know I can trust him. That's so unlike me is what I keep telling myself. But when you wear a mask long enough, it becomes you. I also shared with him a premonition about him and a girl that he can have a romantic encounter with. Well, one of them anyways. I feel like I spill of premonitions around him or about him.

I used to get a lot of triggers (activated premonitions usually based on proximity) when I was around him, but now I find that I get premonitions even when I'm not around him, lately more. I think the entire world knows that I like him, probably not, but still. He knows I like him. For half a second, I thought it might be mutual. Maybe it was, but was is in the past, assuming that WAS the case. I'm not even sure. My friend thinks that I need to find out. I think he's right, but I'm too chicken to ask him.

There's no right answer. He responded to my email sharing that he does know a girl by that name and other details. He said that their relationship hasn't crossed over from a simple friendship, though he would be interested. Not something I wanted to hear but okay. My friend wanted to know if I asked him, "And what about me?" No, I didn't ask him. Why would I? Do I even really want to know now? I asked my friend if he understood where I was coming from, and he said that he felt for me but that that isn't enough for me because he knows me. I worry that he's right. But I know him (the one I like). He would probably laugh nervously and essentially confirm the I don't know limbo or say that he isn't interested. Neither answer is something I want to hear.

Besides, he's excited about this girl. I don't want to take that away from him. For so long this girl has been lingering in the back of his mind. The last thing I want to do is fuel is indecisiveness about girls by saying, "Hey, wanna know about the other premonitions I have of you? They involve us, and it's kinda hot and deep and intimate." No. Deep down, at the core of it all, I know the truth. I think he did like me at one point. Even if that's passed, it would be nice to be told clearly, so I'm not in conflict. I think I would have the balls to share with him those premonitions if I knew that he did like me at one point. I keep worrying what if the premonitions weren't real and just fictionalized, that there's no way that they could be real in any reality because he would never in a million years ever be remotely interested. Even if that were true, he would never put me through that. He's too kind, caring, and sensitive. Still.....

I can only deal with so much. Premonition 1: We get together. We sleep together a couple times. I specifically remember that. It's like premonition porno. I'm such a creeper! LOL! He got skills, I gotta say! Too much info, right? How do you think I feel? But then I have what I can only describe as a relapse and my feelings for my ex surface. I realize that I'm not over him, and he senses this. Things end because he's not down for that. It's self-sabotaging because in the future I'll need him. He'll be the only person in my life who can be there for me and help me the way he's supposed to. And I'll know it. Premonition 2: I wait until I get over my ex, but I take too long. He finds someone else, and he's happy with her. She's nice. And she's pretty. They're good for each other. We stay friends. We become good friends but not close friends. I clearly remember that distinction being "expressed", which is weird because I didn't fully understand it. When I need him, he'll be there for me. (Later on it's like I get sucked back into that premonition and it travels to a later time where he comes and picks me up from the Gold Line in Chinatown because I need him. I'm on the ground crying, and you give me a hug and comfort me. It wasn't romantic. You were just being the good friend you are. The interesting part about that is now that I've had that premonition, I feel like my feelings for him will grow. Even if I like him, if he's with someone, I won't cross that line. Neither will he. It's sad, though. So close but not close enough). Premonition 3: I wait until I get over my ex, and I do it in time. Then we get together. Things work out, but I don't mean in the sense that we'll be married, have kids, a dog, and a white picket fence. Things work out, though. We're happy. We stay good friends. He's there for me when I need him.

That's a lot, right? How do you think I felt experiencing this? It's so much. It's so intense. I felt everything and everyone. Each reality felt just as real as the others except the real-ness was only so strong. I considered the possibility that maybe I'm nuts. After all, I have a wild imagination. I'm a detailed and vivid person. I have an escapist's mentality. Thoughts change reality. I'm very connected to my thoughts. If anyone can manifest anything and convince someone of it's realness, it's me. Just as I was about to indulge in that fallacy and embrace comfort in something sick (elaborate story lines to help me cope with reality), a good friend and ex of mine called me to reassure me that I wasn't delusional. He saw the same premonitions in me. I kept quiet, as I didn't want to influence him.

Nothing like your ex to reassure you that your premonitions which includes porno is real. When I was talking to him, I got a better sense of this girl that my friend could have a romantic encounter with. I know the spelling of her name. Recently since I've started texting my friend, I discovered that I'm able to sense things from him and get premonitions. One day I was in an altered state after I texted him, but I didn't correlate the two at first. If I did, I would've hesitated to go further into it. The girl's name came to me before I realized who this was in relation to. A while ago, the possibility of a blossoming relationship seemed more likely. Recently, I've felt otherwise.

What's interesting is that after I felt that their relationship was likely to develop was also around the same time that I got another premonition, a trigger, about him and I. I was watching the movie, Orphan, when I got it. The girl met her new family for the first time and zoom! I saw us together,and he asked me when he was going to meet my family. I was flattered, flustered, surprised, and unsurprised all at once. My mind was racing, and I had a gazillion thoughts I wanted answered including his family. But at the moment, I was just appreciating knowing how he feels about our relationship and where it's going. I smiled at him, and I told him that I wanted to say a million things but that I just wanted to enjoy the moment. A long, amazing kiss evolved into something more.......intimate. One thing led to another....You get the idea. As we were laying in bed, happy, I told him, "That was a really good moment." He laughed.

God, I can still feel that. It was a pretty powerful experience. I thought the triple effect was intense, and it was because it certainly wasn't my first one. But it was the first collected, orderly one I experienced. And I had a friend buffer it for me. Just as I was trying to deal with the fact that I'm bombarded with feelings that haven't even developed yet, feelings that may never develop from premonitions, while I simultaneously try to handle the possibility that he may find interest in another is an overwhelming, burdening roller coaster of a ride! It just showed me how nothing is defined or set in stone. When it's likely that he'll be with someone else is when I get another trigger about us! And think about how inappropriate that was! To be horny and have such thoughts while watching a movie with a friend! Awkward!

It's a lot to handle for anyone. And I've been emotionally-disconnected for so long. I wasn't built to handle emotions. No, that's incorrect. I was built to experience immense emotions of various intensities. But I've been fighting that for so long. Now with everything rushing in, everything's new and intense, not just because it is but because it's all new to me! All of it! I didn't actually FEEL trust for a person until this year! I was 25 when that happened. This is a lot to take in, and eventually I couldn't take it. I splurged more than I feel I should have including the premonition about him and this other girl.

I was surprised by how well I handled this news, his feelings for this girl. I thought I would be disappointed and sad, but I assumed the "friend" role. I separated myself from it and helped him through this. It made me feel like I can do this because my feelings for him aren't as strong as I once believed it to be. Strong isn't the right word. Attached? I don't know. But when I have premonitions, I take those feelings back home here. So they affect how I see a person because those feelings become a part of me. Since I'm so connected to him, they feel so real. I know that a generous amount of what I feel for him is from the future that may or may not come to pass. So I just assumed that I'm not too affected by it because I'm not too invested in these floating emotions. But then I realized that this is exactly how I felt about the last guy and was convinced that I can manage until I saw him. With experience comes wisdom....

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