Sunday, September 13, 2009

I Won't Get Slapped! Day 48

I know I've been neglecting this blog, and I do apologize. I've just had so much going on. I visited my parents who I haven't seen in ten years! Those intimate details won't be expressed on this blog for the sake of discretion, as well as a cloud of confusion. I'm trying to process everything that's been going on. This weekend wasn't what I expected it to be, which is something I imagine many people in my circumstance would say. So originality seems questionable, but I really am surprised.

I didn't get what I was seeking, but I did learn new things, some old things, and some reinforced things. A friend of mine suggested that I find unconventional ways to achieve my goals, that I have to think outside of the box, a task that's always been a challenge for me. (Tangent: What's up with that? As unique as I am, why am I unable to think off the unbeaten path?) An opportunity was presented to me, a rather unconventional one. I wasn't inclined to take it, and I still have my reservations. I suppose being who I am, I'll never be okay with it. But sometimes you can't just accept the things you, well, accept and just try to deal with what comes your way. For pretty much everyone but one person, this entry is going to be cryptic. Even then that one person might just be me.

I'm not trying to sound like an ingrate. I'm so grateful and love you, not just for this but for everything else in the past, present, and whatever I know you'll do for me in the future. This is just another many of reasons to add to the list, but I struggle with it. Then again, I'll always have struggles in my life. It's a matter of choosing which ones I'll accept and not. I won't always have a choice, but choices exist, paradoxically enough.

Do I like the circumstance? Of course not! I hate that I'm in this predicament. I hate that my life lends to such an offer. Then again it isn't so much my life as much as this person. I can't hate you for who you are because I love you. How fucking inconvenient! You're probably cracking up as you read this. My point is that I don't want to get slapped; I won't get slapped! I know you weren't joking when you said what you said.

I don't want to mess up. I don't want to fail at this. I can't afford to. Your opinion has always mattered to me, and I'm confident that it always will. But since this weekend, it's reached an all-time high. It wouldn't be the slap but the emotion behind it that I wouldn't be able to bear. I think I have enough crap going on in my life that I'm not in a position to handle the burdens of your opinion weighing on me, too, because it will. I may hate the circumstance, but this opportunity presented itself for a reason.

Too often, for so long, what I do is let life-changing opportunities escape me out of fear, pride, guilt, insecurity, or whatever emotion I feel at that moment. It's done me no good. Recent experiences have taught me that. I swore to never make that mistake again. I almost did, and I would have if you weren't such a liar! :) Thank you for not dropping it when you said you would. Thank you for helping me see your point. Thank you for your generosity. Thank you for opening up to me. I feel even closer to you now than before. But most of all, thank you for your friendship.

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