It's more than this deeply rooted desire that I have to fulfill; it's what grounds me. But lately I realized what I slave I am to writing. I suppose this has been evident to others, but I just came to discover this. I enjoy writing so much and since I don't consider it a chore, I never noticed that I'm not the driver. Finding something pleasurable leads me to think that I do it by choice. I didn't choose writing, not really. I may have accepted it, but writing chose me a long time ago before I even knew what it was.
There's something intoxicating and dangerous about that. Whenever there's a powerful source that has the ability to control you, you can lose a little bit of yourself. When I have to write, I don't sleep, I don't eat, I don't go out until I'm finished, until I'm satisfied, until I've written everything to death. It's satisfying to unburden myself and release it, but I realize my place now. And I'm not too content about that.
This is like my OCD. It's a form of compulsion. It manifests my addictive personality. It defines what my day will consist of. I don't want it making those choices for me. I should be the one calling the shots! I know that creative inspiration shouldn't know boundaries, that liberation is necessary, but there should also be balance. Besides, what I write isn't so much creative as it is expressive.
I seek to find balance within this turmoil. I can't eliminate writing out of my life. I won't! Nor do I want to. I just want control and power to be distributed more evenly. If I'm to get further not just as a writer but as a soul travelling to higher depths, I have to do something different than I've been doing so far. I have to challenge the source of power, to tip the scale, to show that I can gain control. Power can be channeled and transferred to different elements. Writing's powerful because it enslaves me. Channeled properly, I'll be more than just its vessel.