Monday, May 31, 2010

A Slave to Writing, Day 151

I find myself either helplessly compelled to write as it takes over my life, while an entire beautiful day passes by me because I'm sitting in front of my decrepit laptop typing away until night comes or I'm uninspired to write and left feeling lost in this world, full of scattered thoughts and intangible ideas floating around in my mind. I'd be cluttered with ideas, notions, memories, delusions, premonitions, desires, feelings, a sense of emptiness consuming me, and harvesting my energy into an abyss of confusion. That's how powerful, influential, and pivotal writing is to me. It's my compass in this life.

It's more than this deeply rooted desire that I have to fulfill; it's what grounds me. But lately I realized what I slave I am to writing. I suppose this has been evident to others, but I just came to discover this. I enjoy writing so much and since I don't consider it a chore, I never noticed that I'm not the driver. Finding something pleasurable leads me to think that I do it by choice. I didn't choose writing, not really. I may have accepted it, but writing chose me a long time ago before I even knew what it was.

There's something intoxicating and dangerous about that. Whenever there's a powerful source that has the ability to control you, you can lose a little bit of yourself. When I have to write, I don't sleep, I don't eat, I don't go out until I'm finished, until I'm satisfied, until I've written everything to death. It's satisfying to unburden myself and release it, but I realize my place now. And I'm not too content about that.

This is like my OCD. It's a form of compulsion. It manifests my addictive personality. It defines what my day will consist of. I don't want it making those choices for me. I should be the one calling the shots! I know that creative inspiration shouldn't know boundaries, that liberation is necessary, but there should also be balance. Besides, what I write isn't so much creative as it is expressive.

I seek to find balance within this turmoil. I can't eliminate writing out of my life. I won't! Nor do I want to. I just want control and power to be distributed more evenly. If I'm to get further not just as a writer but as a soul travelling to higher depths, I have to do something different than I've been doing so far. I have to challenge the source of power, to tip the scale, to show that I can gain control. Power can be channeled and transferred to different elements. Writing's powerful because it enslaves me. Channeled properly, I'll be more than just its vessel.

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