Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Did I Set Myself Up for Censorship? Day 139

So this has to be a super fast blog. No editing. Just a thought I want to express before I dash out! I have to head to the food bank before I go to meet a really good friend of mine at the airport because he's visiting me! Woo hoo! Yay! And I coincidentally have an interview right by LAX, so this works out perfectly. He'll be waiting around for hours until I arrive, though.... :( I offered to go there early, but he said it doesn't matter too much. And that works out great because I really should go to the food bank. I hope that it doesn't take too long, though.

A thought had occurred to me last night. I had a massive ocular migraine. I get mild ones if I haven't gotten around to eating a meal or I've neglected sleeping. Severe ocular migraines lead me to nausea from movement and sound which makes breathing difficult and my left eye, usually, feels like it's expanding out of my eye socket. The stretching strains and burdens it. I'm glad it's substantially subsided because the last thing I want is to be immobile when my friend arrives.

Since I was too out of it to think through plans and lists (my usual thought routine before I sleep), I began thinking about my blog because I anticipated that I'll neglect it when my friend arrives. I sent out mass emails of this blog to my friends who really matter to me, the ones I want to share this with, and/or people who I feel will be receptive and appreciate the content. I stopped worrying long ago that my friends might not like what I put up because the truth is they love me. There's one friend, however, that I'm not very close with in the traditional sense, but I do feel that we've both opened up a lot to each other. He's someone I feel comfortable opening up to a lot, and the idea of him reading this blog scared me. I selectively didn't include his email, which was in alphabetical order.

The reason why I sent out a mass email is after a series witnessing my friends say, "you have a blog?" in an almost hurt and disappointed tone because they didn't know about it and found out through a mutual friend I'm less close with made me realize how many people I'd like to share my thoughts with. Another defining moment that assured me in my decision is when a friend said that we all have to cultivate and embrace our gift. As he was saying this to me and another mutual friend, he noted that he could see my gift harnessing in me through this blog :) I met a wonderful woman through him at an opera performance, and she seemed really enthusiastic about the idea that I blog. I intuitively knew right then that I'd want to share my blog with her, but I didn't realize it at that moment because of how I felt then.

Thanks to the facebook world we've developed into, she wanted to add me as a friend. So I sent out another mass email to a few extra people I either forgot about or neglected to add by accident and one friend who I selectively eliminated. He's someone I have a lot of premonitions about, and I'm too afraid to face them. Another friend made me realize this and he kept insisting that I address them even if nothing happens as a result.

This is someone I've become attracted to over time mostly through premonitions, but the feelings are still there. I keep rationalizing my feelings into an almost less significant tone by doing this, which is just my way of avoiding these feelings. In fact, my feelings for him changed again recently and I didn't even bother to blog about it. I didn't even consider it. That's how much I keep things away.

I wrote a few major entries about how I realized I fell in love. I think he's read them. That had to put him off. Or maybe I'm just imagining he would be because then that'd be that he has feelings for me, too. The truth is I'm doubtful that either of us will do anything about it, but I hate how closed-off I am by the possibility that anyone can be attracted to me. I could've expressed my recent change in feelings about him on here. There was nothing stopping me because I never shared this blog with him. Now I wonder how much I've just set myself up for censorship.

The truth is that I was so afraid to approach him about how I feel not because of rejection. I say it's rejection that scares me, but the truth is that he's a gentle soul, kind, caring, and considerate. It wouldn't be this painful experience for him to say that we should just stay friends as if that's the worst thing ever. I haven't prepared for if he says yes and although I doubt he would because plenty of opportunities have been presented and he's decided to ignore them all, the truth is that that frightens me more than anything. It's a possibility that's unlikely and yet I'm too afraid to create an environment where it could present itself. That's how insecure I am. How pathetic is that?

I don't want to lose my friendship with him and in one premonition, we stopped being friends after we got together because I wasn't over my ex and he could sense it. He got really hurt by it. It's sabotaging because I not only killed our friendship but I'd need him in the future and he wouldn't be there for me. So it'd be self-sabotaging for me, as well, whatever that is. I felt how he'd get hurt, and I don't want to risk that. But the truth is that both he and I were so different in many ways in that premonition than we are now, so I really shouldn't be using that as a scapegoat.

Then again I gave myself insurance. I sent him my blog so that he could read my recent discoveries as an attempt to deter him from me. That's just another form of self-sabotage, but at least I don't lose his friendship in the process. Someone told me that I'm not over him, so I should see this through. He's gone through it so many times and it's not so bad in the beginning, but it'll eventually gnaw away at you. I'm willing to do that for this friendship even though he and I aren't very close.

I just wonder how much of a censorship I set up by sending him that email. I chose not to because I didn't feel comfortable at the time. Not because of him or anything he would do, just because of how I get. Then I sent him an email of the blog out of fear, another bad reason. But I do feel that he deserves to read this blog. I certainly care about him enough, would like to open up to him, and I do think he'd appreciate the content and be open to it. Maybe not every entry, but he wouldn't see it as such a chore. (most of the time. Haha! I think everyone at one point would look at these overwhelmingly long blogs and experience a sense of fatigue on some days or maybe all days, but some are just more willing to read it anyways).

Anyways, this blog was never meant to be about him. I just began thinking about the things I've censored to blog about - him and someone else. Another friend I had a premonition about. If I had moved in with him, we'd get married and we'd have sex. I sensed that I really began to care about him more than I already do. We were somewhere high up, we rode there on his bike, he was standing behind me, and I could feel his dick. It turned me on. Weird, right? Well, now that I've expressed it. I'll more than likely have elaborate follow-up entries, but for now I have to leave. I should've left 17 minutes ago. Then ago, my friend knows me pretty well. I hope he's still patient with me! :)

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