Thursday, May 13, 2010

The Mistake of Not Taking Advantage, Day 133

I'm very stubborn and can be extremely difficult. So that, at times, also makes me prideful. That's a character flaw that I overlook. I'm not really sure why. Maybe that trait has less of an opportunity to present itself or my other tendencies lessen or camouflage it. I do ask for help, but I'm a self-sufficient person. If I can do something on my own, I will. But I'm certainly no stranger to asking for favors when I need it. So it's easy for me to forget how prideful I can be. Not to mention that people who often accuse me of being prideful tend to misdiagnose me. So I easily disregard that criticism as inaccurate. And in many instances, it is. However, that doesn't mean that I'm absent of that trait.

I was a foster youth. There are services and programs available for foster youth, but I rarely took advantage of those opportunities. I didn't need assistance finding a place or obtaining employment. I figured why receive services I don't need when there are others who need it and more than me? I failed to realize that these aren't just what I'm offered but something I'm entitled to. If I feel that I deserve something and I'm denied, I'm like a bloodhound ready to retrieve what's rightfully mine. But I didn't see it in terms of entitlement or denial.

For someone so perceptive and intelligent, I fail to see the big picture. Maybe not despite my intellect but in spite of them. I can be highly observant, overly analytical, and extensively attentive. When you focus that much concentration on an area, your perception is distorted to smaller areas that you meticulously scan rather than stepping back to see what the whole picture is. I was unnecessarily cautious, which inadvertently made me careless.

I didn't explore further into what services and programs I was eligible for and what they were exactly. I didn't take into consideration what future benefit and opportunities I could've had if I had accepted financial compensation. All I thought was that I prepared myself so that I can be independent and self-sufficient. That way I won't have to receive services. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't deny myself of what was available to me.

Years later, I blew my money away on allergies that led to life-threatening fevers and severe sun poison. If I used the resources available to me, I may have some of that money left over right now instead of being broke just like everyone else. I've been working since I was twelve. I haven't been so financially devastated before.

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