Sunday, May 30, 2010

Living Next to Impossible is Still Possible! Days 147, 148, 149, and 150

If I had accepted this job last year, I wouldn't have found myself in such a financial catastrophe. I wouldn't have been forced to tolerate living conditions that were life-threatening, a bathroom consumed with black mold. I wouldn't have gotten evicted from not being on the lease after enduring such health hazards only to replace that problem with another problem somewhere else. But I wouldn't have found a sister. I wouldn't have come to the realizations I've come to and I wouldn't have had the experiences that made me who I am today.

I thought I was finished with adversity after I left the foster care system and a mess of drama and struggles I won't get into. I know that sounds naive and unrealistic especially for a Pisces, but I softened a lot. I'm not as tough as I used to be, but I proved to myself that I'm still a fighter at heart. It's also made me realize that things aren't as difficult for me now because I'm less stubborn.

I've developed tolerance, which was something I had little of if I had any to begin with. Even though I never truly lived with security, I had an illusion and this sense of security because I did everything I possibly could to protect myself. Then I came to LA where I'd get life-threatening allergies and sun poison, get hospitalized, and have little to no income. I go to Burger King to use the bathroom because I can't afford toilet paper. It sounds awful and I'm not saying it isn't, but it's also not that bad. Part of me wonders if I believe this because my standards have dropped considerably or I've become humble. Maybe it's a bit of both.

Financially, the job I took was a terrible idea. But the experiences and the people I've met made a bigger impact in my life than they will ever know. I found and lost a friend who supported me and helped me realize my worth. A former co-worker I can't tolerate most of the time offered me the same thing with a sense of peace I now carry with me. Someone else guided me and is guiding me through my premonitions and his friendship means more to me than he'll ever know. I met someone courageous and unwavering in her integrity, someone who also wants me to write her story. Then there's the loving friend who's going to become an amazing mother. Very rarely do I come across people with such sparkle and optimism. In the process I found myself, too. I realized what I want for others, what I want for myself, the depth of my heart and soul, the hidden Pisces, the internal conflict that people will exploit if I don't face them, and my feelings, what make me human. That's a priceless experience.

I believe part of me regretted not moving to Japan because how often am I going to be given the opportunity to live in Japan for rent-free with a friend and guide? Then again, I would've never had these experiences had I have gone to Japan. I believe I could've made progress in my emotional growth because I wanted it, but something pulled me back from going. I truly believe that even if I'm never given such an opportunity again that I won't regret not going because of the experiences I gained staying here. I found my own strength, again, and I met people who touched my life. I wish you guys could know what you've done for me.

The choices I made last year weren't fruitful for my success as a productive member of society, but it seasoned my soul and I grew emotionally more than I believe I could have had I have accepted other opportunities. I met a lot of amazing people who've touched my life and they mean more to me than they'll ever realize. For those reasons, I'm grateful for the choices I made. I didn't take advantage of the errors I made, but I have learned from them. It also made me realize that living next to impossible is still possible!

I've heard of women who choose to sacrifice everything and live on the edge to achieve their dreams. They're proactive women, admirable but I'm not like them. While I may possess similar characters, I'm a lazy version of them. I wouldn't have wanted to be in that situation and test myself because I get a thrill from it. But experiencing it nonetheless made me realize that I can do it. And it wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. It's interesting how easily I can sense my weakness and amplify it, but my undeniable strength barely blips my radar!

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