I've always been the crazy one in the relationship, and the boyfriend was the stabilizing normal one. I don't know too many people as insane as me except for so many of my friends' ex-girlfriends... Actually he teased me and said that I should go out with his ex-girlfriend, that I could instantly double my wardrobe. Is it wrong that that appealed to me? Haha
Anyways, I've only been in one relationship with someone similar to me. He and I aren't what I'd call compatible on paper. But the truth is that I rarely fall under statistical categories. So I shouldn't dismiss desires because of them. I also have to caution that I won't use him as a template for the next guy. I just want to explore the feelings behind what I feel to better understand them, and it's a fine line that I'm crossing. Over analyzing can kill it, but feelings I don't understand are of no use to me, either. I liked a guy, I didn't know, I panicked, and provoked him because my defenses came up. Analysis is a part of me that I can't reject; I just have to be careful with it.
I wonder how similar and dissimilar manic tendencies and neuroses really are. I felt like I understood him and he understood me. It's always been that lack of understanding and empathy that made me so intolerable to people. I'd push and push and push because I didn't see the harm in it. I didn't realize the seriousness and burden of hesitation, the difficulties and pain that came with it. Whenever I experienced pain, it never went away so it never stopped me. I never realized how debilitating it can be.
With him, it was different. The struggles I face with my OCD and neuroses is something I've spent my entire life keeping to myself. No one's really seen me cry because I couldn't stop cleaning or hiding in the bathroom as my body trembles because I can't shake my neuroses off. It's very real and very painful, but I hide it so well even from myself. It's like I found myself through him sometimes. I found myself less confused in some ways and more at home with him because he understood me. I explained myself a lot less.
I miss having that connection. It's important that I be aware of this because if I want to be with someone who truly understands these things, then I'm going to find myself with someone who isn't ideal for me on paper. I can't allow standardized notions for something you can't really standardize prevent me from pursuing what I want. I'm so prone to self-sabotage and if I find myself interested in someone that isn't standardized ideal, I'll rip our chances to shreds and that's the last thing I want to do.
I'm not saying that the next guy is going to be like him. In fact, I don't think I can handle a similar guy. I'd think too much about him, and I don't want that. But the most recent guy I liked is considerably older than me. Well maybe not considerably but enough that it could raise a few eyebrows. The way he sees the world is so different from me. It's easy for me to think that we're too different. I don't want that kind of negative thinking to sabotage something before anything develops.
I like the idea of finding someone as insane as me and developing a relationship from it, but I question the chances of that. I just liked how excited I became and how open I was to the idea of being with someone so outside the realm of what's considered appropriate and normal. When I'm ready and the guy I like is different from me, I don't want that to be a barrier for me. I want it to become an opportunity of new experiences and discoveries.