Saturday, May 22, 2010

As Insane as You Are, Day 143

My friend said that I need to get over my insecurities, let go of my past, and put myself out there so I can find someone as insane as me :) That idea made me smile. Maybe going out with someone insane shouldn't excite me. And no I haven't had boring boyfriends, but the idea of going out with someone as insane as me never crossed my mind.

I've always been the crazy one in the relationship, and the boyfriend was the stabilizing normal one. I don't know too many people as insane as me except for so many of my friends' ex-girlfriends... Actually he teased me and said that I should go out with his ex-girlfriend, that I could instantly double my wardrobe. Is it wrong that that appealed to me? Haha

Anyways, I've only been in one relationship with someone similar to me. He and I aren't what I'd call compatible on paper. But the truth is that I rarely fall under statistical categories. So I shouldn't dismiss desires because of them. I also have to caution that I won't use him as a template for the next guy. I just want to explore the feelings behind what I feel to better understand them, and it's a fine line that I'm crossing. Over analyzing can kill it, but feelings I don't understand are of no use to me, either. I liked a guy, I didn't know, I panicked, and provoked him because my defenses came up. Analysis is a part of me that I can't reject; I just have to be careful with it.

I wonder how similar and dissimilar manic tendencies and neuroses really are. I felt like I understood him and he understood me. It's always been that lack of understanding and empathy that made me so intolerable to people. I'd push and push and push because I didn't see the harm in it. I didn't realize the seriousness and burden of hesitation, the difficulties and pain that came with it. Whenever I experienced pain, it never went away so it never stopped me. I never realized how debilitating it can be.

With him, it was different. The struggles I face with my OCD and neuroses is something I've spent my entire life keeping to myself. No one's really seen me cry because I couldn't stop cleaning or hiding in the bathroom as my body trembles because I can't shake my neuroses off. It's very real and very painful, but I hide it so well even from myself. It's like I found myself through him sometimes. I found myself less confused in some ways and more at home with him because he understood me. I explained myself a lot less.

I miss having that connection. It's important that I be aware of this because if I want to be with someone who truly understands these things, then I'm going to find myself with someone who isn't ideal for me on paper. I can't allow standardized notions for something you can't really standardize prevent me from pursuing what I want. I'm so prone to self-sabotage and if I find myself interested in someone that isn't standardized ideal, I'll rip our chances to shreds and that's the last thing I want to do.

I'm not saying that the next guy is going to be like him. In fact, I don't think I can handle a similar guy. I'd think too much about him, and I don't want that. But the most recent guy I liked is considerably older than me. Well maybe not considerably but enough that it could raise a few eyebrows. The way he sees the world is so different from me. It's easy for me to think that we're too different. I don't want that kind of negative thinking to sabotage something before anything develops.

I like the idea of finding someone as insane as me and developing a relationship from it, but I question the chances of that. I just liked how excited I became and how open I was to the idea of being with someone so outside the realm of what's considered appropriate and normal. When I'm ready and the guy I like is different from me, I don't want that to be a barrier for me. I want it to become an opportunity of new experiences and discoveries.

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