Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Scattered and Accumulating Thoughts and Experiences, Days 144, 145, and 146

So Many Different Things in Such a Short Amount of Time. Writing and this blog has become such a pivotal aspect of my life that I find myself accumulating a writing list as experiences occur. But each one is so significant that it'll require so much of my time. The idea of committing such an extensive writing project has left me unmotivated. I suppose this is progress because it means I have a desire to simplify my life. :) It's been a long time coming. Part of me wants to neglect leaving details of what's been going on with me because I no longer feel connected by those experiences as I did then, but I just can't do that yet.

My roommate asked me how I deal with hanging out with friends I've had premonitions about when it involves an entirely different kind of relationship with them. I almost married one friend and had all sorts of confusing premonitions. I have another friend where it used to practically be premonition porno. She asked how I do get back from that? That latter used to be really difficult to manage, but eventually it just became a part of me. Weird, huh?

My old habits of desperation for understanding them has died down considerably because the lack of knowing hasn't left me with a gnawing irritation to remove all the question marks. However, there's one friend I get a lot of premonitions about. Sometimes I'm not sure if my powers are accurately described when I use the term "premonition" because sometimes I don't see the future but sense it. I find that when something's about to or can happen or change, the energy around it alters to prepare for it. Sometimes I just sense the fluctuations, the preparations, not the actual changes.

I used to see what the changes actually were, the possibilities. Now I mostly sense that something could change, which is a bit of a relief because I'm not overwhelmed with vivid scenarios of hooking up with a guy I haven't even started having feelings for! I don't feel like I'm suppressing anything, either. Everything is just really light right now. Even though I can see the future, what I can see tends to be limited to the people I'm closest with, most connected with, or even people I can be closer to or could've been closer to had things have unfolded differently.

Recently I started wondering about the one friend I used to get a lot of premonitions about has been up to. I started wondering a lot about him yesterday until it almost felt like I was tapping into him. He's someone I can do that to. I feel like I can travel deeper into those premonitions to uncover more truths. I don't like doing it, though. I find feelings to be an intimate and private part of us. The people who know about that side of us should be the ones revealing it to us; a premonition cheat sheet is like this supernatural invasion.

He helped bring me clarity, though. He doesn't know it, but I feel like I channeled his abilities and was able to transfer his creative skills into my life. And it's much appreciated. I thought about emailing him a thank you, but it's too impersonal. And what would I really say anyways? Sometimes we're massive emailers, and right now we aren't. So I think I'm just going to appreciate this gift myself.

Around this time last year I had over five job offers and had five jobs at one point as a way to avoid my feelings and get over my ex. It totally backfired on me because all it did was keep me busy. My energy level was much higher, though, considering how much I was overworking myself. I was just that desperate to hide from my feelings, and it didn't even work. No matter how exhausted I became from working, the minute I had a moment to myself, free from other obligations, thoughts, responsibilities, or distractions, my mind immediately traveled back to him and I missed him. The tears rolled down my eyes. I felt lonelier than I ever have my entire life.

I never allowed myself to feel long enough to process it and move on from it, so it's like I was frozen in time to miss him. It's terrible when you're the one responsible for lying to yourself and creating this illusion of stability and self-assurance because when it crumbles, no one's there for you. You're hurt. You want nothing more than for it to go away, but you can't make it disappear. Even with the elaborate lies you create, the truth is still hiding in the shadows. Then the guilt consumes you because you've lied and isolated yourself form the ones who love you as a way to keep the charade up.

If I pretended I was okay around my friends, I'm creating a fictional reality that makes things easier but in the process I'm turning my friends into pawns. I influence how they think, respond, and perceive things. I take away their opinions and manipulate their feelings. How twisted is that? All because I don't want to deal. And then when I can't handle it, I resent being alone. I don't blame them for their absence, but it burdens me.

I can't change the past, but right now I feel like I could make better choices that'll lead to a better future than what I did for myself last year. Even the same opportunities have presented itself recently. This time I'm not going to make the same mistake again. I'm going to get the most secure job offered to me because that's what's right for me right now.


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