Saturday, May 15, 2010

I Refuse to Maintain Your Filth, Days 134 and 135

I refuse to maintain your filth! I tolerate your mess, but I sure as Hell won't put effort in maintaining it to your standards! For the majority of this SEASON, I've spent an extra 10-15 minutes clearing the sink whenever I want to cook, eat, wash, or clean anything. It's time-consuming, but I tolerate it because frankly a grown adult with many roommates who chooses to be so openly negligent and filthy probably doesn't have much standard for cleanliness. The last thing I want to do is engage in an unsuccessful parental role where I drain myself of energy and further escalate my frustrations especially if I'm going to be left with the same mess I began with. And the truth is it's not my place to put my roommates in check. This isn't my place; it's our place.

I believe that I've been characteristically tolerant. And I seem to be rewarded with extreme stupidity! Who the fuck takes a proactive approach to keeping a cluttered space? Right now there's 12 CUPS, 13 BOWLS, 3 PLATES, 26 UTENSILS, 2 PANS, MEASURING CUPS, SPATULAS, TUPPERWARE, ETC! It's been like this for almost an entire season! There's no room for anything!

So I began lining the windowsill with all this crap. I was told to stop doing that cuz it's embarrassing! Yeah, it is! So how about you clean the mess up!?!?! I agreed that it was embarrassing, but I'm hoping it'll be an incentive to be more diligent with the dishes cuz it's dirty either way and there's no space for me to work. She said that's fine but to put things back into the sink. Seriously?!?!?! WTF? If you're that desperate, put effort into doing it yourself!

I already spend an extra 10-15 minutes to whatever it is I'm doing and now you expect me to return the filth to its original state!?!?!?! You actually want me to invest more time into doing something else that isn't and shouldn't be my responsibility? Honestly? Do you hear yourself? I don't want to shuffle crap around whenever my biological determinant craves food, but I need to eat in order to survive. It's not my responsibility or my desire to follow your preference for filth, though.

Do you think I enjoy advertising to our neighbors that I live in a dirty place? We're the only all girls unit, and we're arguably the dirtiest. I know this because I've entered almost all of the units in this complex. I'm friends with so many people. She's just the prude bitch no one likes cuz she only interacts to complain. Don't get me wrong; her complaints are usually valid, but my point is no one knows or cares about her outside of this unit. That doesn't mean that a person doesn't embarrass over irrational thoughts, but it sure as Hell isn't my problem!

You want to talk embarrassing? You're less embarrassed asking your roommate who isn't afraid to talk crap back to you to put the dirty dishes back and invest more of her time than she needs to to put crap back cuz filth that shouldn't be there's there? How is that fair? If you won't even take the one minute it takes to rinse off a fork and use that instead of dirtying another one, what makes you feel that you have a right to ask me to maintain your filth when it goes directly against my flow?

I know I can be anal, but this isn't on me! There's so many dishes! I can't even wash produce and make myself a salad that requires no cooking without making room. I don't care if the displayed mess bothers you. It's not my problem. I'd rather you find your mess more burdensome than anything, which it is! But don't expect me to alleviate that burden for you! Only you can do that for yourself.

SELF-REFLECTION: Now that I've had some time to process my thoughts and am no longer ruled by my anger, I can say that I still meant everything I said and stand by it. But if I'm better able to utilize my thoughts and reactions in a cohesive manner, I wouldn't respond in such a hostile way. Well, actually I wasn't hostile to my roommate. This blog absorbed all that intensity, another reason why I'm grateful that this blog exists because that energy has to go somewhere. It's better channeled through a better equipped vessel.

It's a place where I could express my frustrations and anger in a controlled-environment. I don't have a problem with anyone knowing that this is how I feel because reading it is different from verbalizing it in the heat of the moment. Just because I get upset at someone doesn't mean that I don't care about them or respect them. It just means that I'm a dynamic person with emotions that reflect that. My emotional feelings may fluctuate, but how I feel about the people in my life has more stability than what my angry words convey during such outbursts.

I know that when I get upset and lash out at people that I still care deeply about them, but it's understandable that people hearing it forget that or fail to remember during such a dispute. I thought that by including this I sound fake like I'm trying to take back what I said while not admitting I'm wrong. But it's not like that. I, in fact, meant everything I said, what I wrote previously and what I'm writing right now.

I'm human. I have different dimensions. How I feel may appear mutually exclusive or reserved only for people I despise, but the truth is that I'm just really emotional. I realize that there are more variations to how I feel than what I once believed. For example, I used to be unable to care for people I didn't have respect for. Now, I can empathize for people I hate because we all experience universal feelings.

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