Not Vibing with Celestine Prophecy

Not too long ago, I went hiking with a friend of mine that I adamantly insisted I HAD to go hiking with. It was an exchange of spiritual energy, insights, and wisdom. He recommended a book his girlfriend has called Celestine Prophecy because it includes all the details we discussed. When I read the description I was amazed, entranced, and happily relieved by the idea that topics such as these have been written. Perhaps I shouldn't be too surprised, but it's never crossed my mind to search for a book that covers the concerns I've invested quite a bit of time dwelling on.

It opened my eyes and consciousness to where my thoughts and effort are focused on. Rather than expressing my concerns and choosing to meditate and manifesting opportunities and resources to overcome them, I repeatedly highlight my struggles. While I do want to transcend to the next level where the complaints don't exist, that's not the energy I'm releasing into the universe. So my true desire to elevate from that is muffled and as a result takes much, much longer to be heard and come true.

This experience has made me realize that in the future when I dislike a certain circumstance, I'm going to retreat to a silent meditation. I'm more drawn to the types of meditation where I focus on my desires, but sometimes what I want may not be the best thing or what the universe is most attuned to at this point in my life. By being still and silent, I invite the universe to vibrate with what's best for me. But I have to allow myself this time.

By experiencing how much I appreciate discovering this book is a true encouragement to channel my energy more conducively to my self-growth. This book offers 9 key insights into life with the belief that insights each human being experiences is predicted to grasp sequentially, one insight, then another... Ancient wisdom reveals how to make connections between these events that occur in our lives at this moment in time and shows us how to see what's going to happen in the years to come. This guidebook crystallizes our perceptions to understand why we're where we are in life and to direct us toward a new energy.

Several years ago before I realized that I wasn't a 9-5 person and was trying to be a part of that world, the universe was ruthlessly trying to divert me from that path. Unbelievable things occurred. The train which was only two stops away would shut down, the doors wouldn't open, the tracks suspended, I got trapped in the elevator, the door to my job was locked, my computer wouldn't turn on, my headset would malfunction only when I was using it, and the most startling experience was when my foot got trapped and injured when it got stuck inside those water drainers on the street. After all of these things happened and I felt defeated, my stubbornness burned inside of me and I refused to let these barriers define my life. I was resentful of those around me who have been able to keep this steady job and was desperate to hang on to it. The next day I lost my voice, and I worked at a call center...

That's probably the first time I let go of my stubbornness. Truthfully I was scared. At this point I accepted that the universe has been trying to communicate with me and rather aggressively. I was frightened by what would happen to me next if I persisted and knew immediately that I had to make a change.

For the first time since then, the universe has been trying to deviate me from the path I'm on. I've come across two forms of barriers - ones that are challenging and presented as an opportunity for us to learn, grow, and overcome them, while the second barriers were put in place to prevent us from leading down the path we're on. You know when you're rushing in traffic and frustrated that you aren't moving forward only to realize that you avoided a few accidents? It's like that but less intense.

I submitted for a job that focuses on healthy living. Being passionate about holistic nutrition and by fully embracing the beauty that promos allow me the chance to truly express who I am, I wrote beautifully about my philosophy and my love for cooking, gardening, and a holistic lifestyle. An agency immediately loved me and reached out to me several times when I was unable to respond because I've been so busy. I had a skype interview and I was asked about my experiences which included but not limited to Team Lead responsibilities. That wasn't the position I submitted for, but that was the job offered to me.

It involved transportation responsibilities such as picking up and dropping off inventory, things I prefer to not do. I usually inform the agency that unfortunately I don't drive and I want to make sure that I can commit to any jobs I accept and that the responsibilities included aren't well-suited for me. My honesty is appreciated and I offer references, as well. That cordial interaction leaves a positive memory in their minds and often times I get work from them down the line. But this job offered a branded vehicle that covers the expense of mileage, gas, and time.

I was also told that I'd have at least a month's notice before a job takes place but that they wanted to start training me. They asked me what my schedule was and when I let them know, I somehow found that I volunteered myself as a Team Lead for a promo that same week... Quite a bit of product and a large cooler had to be transported and I don't have a car... My arrangements to find transportation kept falling through. The time went from 8 am to 10 am. The inventory was supposed to arrive on Thursday, but there was a delay. I still had a large cooler to pick up and training to attend to. My friend who was supposed to pick me up should've been off of work by 2 pm but was informed that day that she'd be working until 4 pm only to work past 5 pm... I left the office awkwardly trying to give the impression that I was running off to meet a friend who came to pick me up when no one was in sight...

I walked two miles with a large cooler almost as tall as me, frustrated to no end. At this point I didn't hear from my friend or know at all where she was or what was going on. I decided to take the bus for the last two blocks only to learn that the bus that was going in the right direction was taking a detour. So I was left contemplating and reflecting the signs that revealed that this path isn't for me. This left me no time to get my phone replaced, either, which was my next plan for the day. All of this happened on Thursday.

When I finally got off where I needed to be, I sat down on the cement ground and began sobbing. Not because I had to carry a heavy cooler. When I first moved to LA and had no friends, I moved a full size fridge on a dolley and walked it over a mile to my new place. I was crying because I've been reading the Simple Living Guide and it emphasizes awareness. I've been reading the words that shares the value of really experiencing things, so we can understand them and not be a victim to absent-mindedness. I loved the message but failed to practice it and I had no idea. When the universe kept putting the brakes on my chaotic missions, I realized that my life has become a domino effect of one bad barrier after another that I mindlessly kept trying to force pass.

The shipment arrived on Friday, but I was already booked on something else which forced me to pick it up at FedEx shortly before the event took place. At this point everyone at the agency was too busy frantically trying to locate and expedite this delayed and missing shipment, while simultaneously finding a FedEx where I could pick it up before the event. The shipment detail was never sent to me as it should have because it was sent to yahoo. I don't have yahoo... And there was concern that my name wasn't spelled correctly, so there could be a problem picking up the package. I also had to pick up dry ice from Smart & Final. None of this was feasible without my own transportation.

A friend of mine fortunately found me assistance, but I cut it really close. These complications weren't the fault of the agency, and we were all burdened by it. But the truth is that I feel like it happened because I was where I'm not meant to be and it affected everyone else involved. Because of my insistent manifestation and priority that I didn't want to jeopardize my professionalism and I wanted so much to make this work because these people are so wonderful, I believe it worked out. But it was a painful process.

FedEx couldn't locate the package, but their record indicated that it was there. Then they couldn't find all of the packages, which took time to retrieve. I technically didn't arrive late, but this is an all-girl staff and all 5 people involved were incredibly chatty and repetitive. It wasn't necessary for every person in the thread to follow up and ask and share every detail of my status, but it kept happening. It added to my stress!

I'm so grateful that the day is over. I ended up having to take the bus home again with this stupid giant cooler, which I suspect I'll have to do again to return! Sadly it's preferable because I'm reminded that people are unreliable. A friend and I had a terrible miscommunication. I specifically asked him if he could take me and he said yes, but he thought I was talking about taking me to a commercial that was taking place after this promo. There were constant signs that I was referring to this promo especially since when I first asked him, I didn't even know the commercial's call time. This is why I was begging for help the day before the promo because I was under the false impression that this was secured. I had another friend who was adamant that she'd come get me because she wanted me to take my things I left at her place. It's an OCD that she has. She was more stressed about returning a stupid pineapple than being concerned that I could barely carry this cooler only for her to say that I should find other arrangements because she'd be there so late. I was livid! Then I took the bus back when someone was coming in my direction because she had other plans. I was merely asking her to drop me off to wherever she was going to because I could walk home from there, and that was too much of a burden for her. So it took me almost four hours to get home. Another friend who said he'd get back to me at noon about picking me up hasn't reached out to me at all.

I don't like being resentful because others aren't able to take care of me, but this overwhelming amount of people going back on their word has been a stressful and infuriating experience I don't want it to happen again. Thank goodness for my friend who so responsively found someone who could help me out and for her energy. Because she's reliable, honest, and true to her word, she attracts people with the same integrity. This stranger who's now become one of the most reliable people I know has saved me and rejuvenated my faith in the kindness of others.

With that said, after finishing this entry, I'm going to send in my paperwork with an email explaining why I'm not suited for this position even with a branded vehicle. It'd take time to get to the vehicle. When unexpected things arise with packaging as it often does, I may not be able to accommodate. Whoever takes this role should have the flexibility to adapt their schedule as needed. That isn't me.

My goal is to meditate on what is for me and to connect with that vibrational energy.

**Too lazy to edit, so sorry for any typos and errors**

My Month of June

My horoscope says that for the month of June, the energy surrounding me is conducive to self-reflection and that career and romance is on the back burner, that I wouldn't have to concern myself with finances. This has so far been accurate. Several freelance jobs naturally fell apart either under mutual or incompatible circumstances. I have, however, procrastinated on pursuing personal emotional endeavors by allowing myself to be distracted. It's shockingly automatic to become enslaved to technology and habit. While I truly appreciate the modern convenience that both facebook and twitter offers me, it's become even more essential that I create boundaries for myself. When I step back from being on auto pilot, I realize that I'm consumed by the demand. So this time I've decided to write my long and overdue entry before I tackle anything else.

So much has happened and when it does, I think to myself how I should blog about it, but I never give myself the time to do just that. I read a book called "Feelings Matter" and the way I was granted access to that book is quite magical. A good friend of mine lent it to me. I had mentioned how much I wanted to read it and perhaps even borrow it at one point as I held it in my hand and began reading it. But for some reason I wasn't inclined to ask if I could. A year or so later, he found himself donating a bunch of books and somehow that one managed to escape the herd of books by hiding in a sneaky spot in the car. =P

The more I read it, the more I understood why I was so drawn to it but it wasn't until the last twenty pages that I absorbed it and realized that I want to own my own copy. It's marvelous when I read books like that. I'm currently reading the Guide to Simple Living. It talks about the beauty and benefits of living a simple life. While not everything is new, it's presented in a way I'm receptive to. I also gravitate towards the message because of how much I've changed and grown.

Lately I've been wanting to indulge by going to a sushi restaurant. I don't usually crave the dining experience, just the delicious food but something about the environment is very enticing to me as of late. I've been working so hard that when I've been granted a break, I realized that I was at a loss about who to call and go out with. This is surprising considering how social I am.

I love freelance work because although I have to work hard and hustle to gain employment, I get to pick and choose the assignments I'm a part of. I welcome the stress and thrill it brings me. After all everything has its drawbacks. It's a matter of finding what works for us. This is actually the philosophy and tone of the book I'm currently reading takes. Anyway my job surrounds me with people and my friends, so I was surprised to realize that I haven't done the social thing in a really long while. Maybe that's why I want that sushi experience.

I lost touch with a lot of friends and somewhere in the process I must've lost touch with myself. When we don't take time for ourselves, we aren't able to fully give ourselves to others and be there for them the way they both need and deserve for us to be. Lately I'm reminded of that because when I call my friends, I'm able to reach them and have had some of the most meaningful and cathartic conversations of my life. The universe is providing me with the opportunity to connect with people on a deeper level. It's a beautiful experience and I hope that everyone creates the space necessary in their lives to share these kinds of moments with their loved ones.

The Meaning of Spring Cleaning

Today I attended a Spring Cleaning workshop held by a Personal Organizer. I wasn't quite sure what I was expecting, but the $5 suggested donation was well within my budget and I had a free schedule. I felt open and receptive to it. When I arrived, I found a collection of books on organizing and decluttering for our material possessions as well as our spiritual selves and other related topics such as feng shui. While waiting for everyone to arrive, we were encouraged to browse through anything that caught our attention. It's such a great concept! It puts people in a curious, receptive, and distracted mood from people who are running late, while we get to learn more about the things that interest us.

I lost my voice, so it was a bit of a challenge. But it worked out! I must admit that in the beginning I was disappointed because although I'm confident that the host is a much more skilled Organizer than myself, I found her information to be very basic and familiar for me. However I was happy to observe that others were delighted by the information. As for me, I became discouraged about how I could possibly benefit from information I already implement.

I've been paid as a Personal Organizer and have worked at Organized Living. But if you were to walk into my space, it's actually quite tragic and people would immediately and understandably question my ability to organize. A lot of it has to do with motivation. I've somehow learned to become comfortable in clutter when I became better at managing my OCD. I was no longer enslaved to its demands and I rebelled against it. With such a busy schedule, a limited budget, and most deprecating of all, an unmotivated attitude, clutter has infested my space.

I still have small corners that with a little effort, attention, careful budgeting, and motivation, it can easily be remedied. Unlike many others, I'm not a hoarder and freely discard things that no longer serve me. I have very little things to work with. I've already gone through the sorting and purging. What's really crippled me from organizing is that I don't have the tools I need such as shelving units. I'm just not a very handy person and despite the many friends I have, many of them are unavailable to assist me. As much as I'd love to take on this adventure myself, history has shown me that it's actually more costly and damaging.

It's just something I can't afford to risk. But the truth is that if I really wanted to manifest this, I could. I often hesitate because the people who offer to assist me are perverts who give me a lending hand because they expect sexual gratitudes as a result. It's an extremely uncomfortable situation. But I have to refocus my energy and attract a new energy to aid me in my process. After all that's what spring cleaning is all about! Getting rid of the negative energy to make room for new energy to flow.

When I presented my dilemma to the Personal Organizer, I found her repeating herself which is never a good sign. I heard her the first time and it's not becoming anymore insightful. Because I couldn't speak, a lot of what she was saying was already written out by me but she expressed it under the impression that it was helpful for me because she didn't have a chance to read through everything. Really, there were solutions I came up with that she never mentioned. She describes herself as creative and perhaps she is, but I found myself to be more resourceful and innovative. It's frustrating when I find myself in that situation. I'm too advanced to be in the beginners group but not advanced enough to be in the advanced section, and I never quite feel like I belong. I welcome someone whose insights are greater than mine. I'm not certain if she was aware of how repetitive she was or if that was her brainstorming process, but I wasn't a fan of it...

Then all of a sudden, she came up with an incredibly obvious but extremely effective solution that somehow managed to escape my mind and has restored my faith and provided me with a solution for my goal! This is very exciting for me! I have a very limited space, so a lot of functions are defined to proximity. But my current system is ineffective because it's unrealistic to pull things out specifically creative stuff only to require that I immediately put them back box by box. It doesn't allow any creative energy to flow and expand. Any attempt would risk stagnation and disorganization by leaving everything cluttered and visible. Then she said the magical solution. Wheels. How simple is that! They have storage units that come with units that are perfect for me!

Yes, this is pricey but that's what freecycle is for. Whenever I'm truly passionate in my manifestations, I receive what I seek and finding a storage unit with wheels for portability purposes is exactly what I need. I become extremely unmotivated, lethargic, and diminish in energy when I enter my space and it's because of the lack of personality and surrounding clutter. It's very consuming. This is the first step towards resolution and I couldn't be more excited!

I Feel More Connected

Everything has energy and lately I've felt more connected to it than I have in a while except this time it's not debilitating as it has been in the past. There's the unbearable, intense connection, and then there's the subtler kind where I'm able to feel more simultaneously. I went to an audition yesterday and it was a great learning experience. I didn't prepare because it said it wasn't a speaking role, but they wanted me to portray an annoying, frustrated Office Manager. To convince the cast that I could play this role, I had to give a speech as an Office Manager improv. Even if I had practiced twenty minutes before the audition, I would've done much better.

When I left, I had an open schedule for several hours. I saw a store that peaked my interest, so I got off the bus only to realize that I left my shoes behind. When I'm receptive, my actions are conducive to what's best for me. Had I have not turned around at that exact moment, I would've been much further before I realized I forgot about my shoes. Lately it's been feeling like every experience is an emotional and energetic awareness enhancement program.

The store I was interested in was a metaphysical shop surrounded by crystals, Buddhist statues, spiritual books, and the sorts. The man behind the desk appropriately greeted me and while he was present, he seemed somewhere else. I felt like the crystals he's around all day must've had an impact on him. Have you ever seen someone who shakes their foot sometimes shakes his or her entire body? That's what his energy was like. I didn't see his body shake, but it's as if it was. By the time I left the store and wished him more grounding energy, he was calmer. It was a beautiful experience.

While I was waiting for the bus, I called in to see if I can get to work. Sometimes I work as an extra. I call a phone line judiciously as most attempts are left with busy signals. When my energy's determined and I'm focused, I usually get through. I've been distracting lately by a guy I'm interested in, but unfortunately as I hesitated, someone else captured his attention. These things happen. Sometimes I wish I'd see him, but what's the point of that? He's taken and therefore withdrawn around me now by creating boundaries. The only time he talks to me now is in passing or in group situations.

I've put a lot of effort into refocusing my energy and I had a chat with myself saying that I need work for myself. This has nothing to do with him. I have rent I have to pay. There are a minimum amount of days I must work to meet my rent. I strengthened and manifested my energy but hesitated to release the thoughts I deserve this! I was building up to it, though. I knew that I'd get the job as long as I got through the lines. Finally when I did express to myself that I deserve this, all of a sudden I got through! It made me realize that I have to advocate for my worth!

I also had an epiphany while I was trying to get through the lines. I was planning to stop by Sprint to have my phone inspected. I began to worry if I should go to the Sprint nearby or the one by my place because I wondered if it was wise to stop calling to have my phone checked. On the other hand, email's so important for another line of work I do. Then I realized that here I am creating scenarios that may or may not come to light in an unfavorable circumstance. I realized that once the call finally went through. It never crossed my mind that I'd get through so quickly and that concern would never have to be addressed. That's not an uncommon way of thinking for me. I have to make a change.

My inventory of thoughts and experience on this day may seem mundane and even unworthy of writing, but it expanded my life and I felt like recording it. Sometimes we achieve the greatest epiphanies during the simplest moments because that's when we're undistracted and receptive.

What an Eventful 2013!!!

Today marks the two-week anniversary of 2013. (Or at least it is today as I write this.)… In a matter of two weeks so much has happened for me. On the first day of this year, (yes the first day) I started it off incredibly well by making half of my rent in a single day! I had an interview with a promo agency that's expanding to the West Coast and had the opportunity to interview in person, which is very rare in the promo world! Then another promo agency called me for a brief phone interview. I found out that the guy I like began seeing someone, while I sat there refusing to accept that he was, in fact, interested. It was the first guy I've been attracted to who's healthy for me and someone I could really see a future with. But my denial and self-sabotage took over and left me with reflection and insight I can apply in the future. I've also been booked for work next month, thanks to someone I met last year at a promo event. I'm also scheduled for a complimentary haircut and color treatment just as I was telling my mother that I need to get this done! Additionally the promo work I'm doing next month is for a deep conditioning treatment! I manifested a free manicure when I realized that I have to take better care of my hands for the hand modeling audition next month. I had a great time with a friend who took me shooting, treated me to dinner, and gave me my first driving lesson of the year. (Yes, I don't know how to drive... Let the shock pass you! LOL) I also had an interview for a gamer modeling position. I was also requested to make a video submission for a commercial. I enjoyed my favorite tacos, which is a small but wonderful indulgence! :) I'm looking forward to what the New Year brings me! ^.^

In Better Spirits

As some of you may know, I haven’t been in the healthiest state and it’s affected my mood and how I process information. I’m usually exceptional tolerant, patient, and I’m naturally good at not getting sucked into negative confrontations with friends. Unfortunately we all have our moments, and I’ve recently had mine. But I’m happy to report that I’m in better spirits! J

I’m returning to my normal self. I’m encouraging, supportive, perceptive, and intuitive towards my friends. I’m considerate and thoughtful. I began cooking again. I made simple pasta with thinly sliced Brussels sprouts and bacon in half and half cream sauce. It was yummy! Today I made sautéed kale and carrots with baked fish and quinoa. I’m not sure about quinoa, but every other ingredient I used has anti-inflammatory effects which will do my health good.

I went back to my place and felt inspired to clean. I swept everything and one side of my apartment actually looks neat. I still have other corners to tackle, but all in all I’m satisfied. Yesterday I had the opportunity to work on my art journal but never got around to it. I’d like to take the time to do it today. I’m not sure what my evening looks like, but I have a pretty good idea what it might be and I’m looking forward to it. J

Give It Meaning and Purpose

It’s finally resonated with me that I must customize my decisions and be scrupulous in the work I take on. Registering to become an extra has been something I’ve been procrastinating on completing, but I’m glad I finally got started. It’s fun. But a part me allowed myself to taint the fun I was having due to my insecurities. Being an extra is a lot of fun, but it’s very menial work. It doesn’t require a lot of intelligence and anyone can do it. It made me feel inadequate that the only job I’ve been successful at thus far is something children can perform…

I didn’t give this thought much power, but it has entered my mind, that as time progressed and I became comfortable with the amount of workflow provided, if I’m not careful it’ll disappear because I’m not meant to do this. And every time I participate in something that isn’t conducive to my path for too long, it falls apart. That’s the last thing I want. I shared my concern with a friend who quickly dismissed this idea. She’s worked with me and knows me well as a friend and has observed that I’ve never been this happy where I’ve worked before.

It reminded me that I’m allowed to have fun and embrace this. But unlike my friend I’m still worried that if I’m not careful this job I love so much could fall apart. However, my friend’s astute observation has transformed my energy. My ultimate goal is to become a holistic nutrition coach, and I don’t want to deviate from that. It’s so easy to become distracted.

My friend said she can see me combining my two passions – holistic nutrition within the extra world. It actually makes a lot of sense and one of the things I enjoy so much about being an extra is I share my passion with others and several people have asked for my insights. One girl was genuinely encouraging and said she’d pay me to get insights on holistic nutrition! ^.^ Something about her sincerity has really touched me.

It occurred to me that jobs only fall apart when they become a distraction and therefore unproductive. If I stay focused on my goals by incorporating extra work as a stepping stone to achieve my desire to become a holistic nutrition coach, I believe the universe will assist me in my path. I’d like to get work a few times a week with long shifts. It’s not guaranteed but I’m going to manifest it! J It’s important my rent is covered and the remaining will be saved towards the cost of tuition! J Yay! I have the discipline and focus to not get distracted, so it shouldn’t be too difficult. But I do intend on enjoying sushi at one point. However it’ll be a rare indulgence! 

The Liberation in Truth

After my last entry, I had quite a bit to contemplate about. I finally admitted and accepted shortcomings I’ve spent most of my time denying or ignoring. I had a cathartic and insightful conversation with a good friend of mine when I expressed my concerns to her. Recap: I find that I have a retention problem and jobs I should be able to keep not working out as a result of my performance, performance issues I shouldn’t have.

She postulated that perhaps I deliberately sabotage these jobs because they aren’t meant for me and I’m desperate to escape them. That makes perfect sense! After all the problems that result in my termination only surface in the workplace such as debilitating memory issues, which under normal circumstances are fine. It’s amazing how when things become clear, the fog lifts and we feel lighter. It doesn’t change my challenges because I still need to make an income and if I continue down this path, the situation will perpetuate and I certainly don’t want that. But I’m beginning to realize the value of customization.

I have to be more selective in the jobs I apply for. The definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. I keep applying for the same types of jobs that don’t work out. I can be frustrated that I can’t hang on to them because it is, but I need to be productive with my time.

I don’t choose to sabotage these jobs, but they continue to occur. I see the sabotage as a child acting out. It’s frustrating when I’m my own source of destruction and I’m unable to reason with myself, but it also serves a valuable lesson because it’s forcing me to look at other areas of opportunities that would be more conducive for me. I’m not meant to be trapped in an office-support position long-term.

I have that “look.” I appear professional and am well-placed in a corporate environment, but I have a rush of energy which over time crashes. I’ve always been like that and as much as I wish I had a steadier source of discipline and stamina, it’s best for me to accept how I operate and act accordingly because I’m me; no one else. It’s incredibly liberating to come to terms with this.

I wasted so much energy feeling inadequate for not being able to execute what others seem to do well that I never focused on the strengths that come with my circumstance. By being open and honest with myself, I also came to terms with some other areas of weaknesses that are important to address.

They all came to me through different sources like puzzle pieces I had to put together. My mother told me that “you can’t be successful at an entry-level job with a senior management mentality.” Who knew that being told I’d be a failure would be such welcome news. Something about that statement had an intrinsic effect on me that it made me receptive to some of the other things she’s said so many times before that I’ve dismissed such as I’m meant to be in business for myself.

Some people have a natural knack for business; I’m not one of them. Business schools are available, but I find that people who have a natural talent are the best at it, which isn’t to say people who engage in professional training are any less capable. I just don’t even find business to be appealing that I can’t imagine being suited for it. But I’m beginning to realize how crippling my mentality is; I think too much in terms of absolutes.

When I shared my concerns and ideas with my friend, she told me that I don’t learn quickly enough according to my intellectual level and personality. That is so true! I find myself resentful because I get scrutinized for my learning curve, while others are tolerated for their delays. But the difference is that I’m more intelligent than the others, so the expectation that others have of me are much higher. And when I don’t meet them, consequences follow. It’s an example of when my intelligence is a disadvantage.

She and I have worked together and are good friends, so she understands how I am. She recognizes my intelligences but is also aware of my learning speed. It’s not particular a proud moment, but by becoming aware of this, I’m giving myself an advantage because I can refine my job searches to positions that don’t require me to learn something in a shorter amount of time. By selecting jobs I can perform well, it’s the best situation for everyone involved.

I used to believe that people who accepted and “settled” for their weaknesses did it because it was too difficult for them to deal with their shortcomings. But now I realize that we all have shortcomings and the people who succeed are the ones who channel their strengths. I’m doing no one any good by dwelling on my faults because when I embrace my strengths, I’m able to help others and that’s a powerful thing.

The Truth is in the Pattern

I have a retention problem and although I'm not alone, because this isn't an isolated incident but a pattern I've developed, it's forcing me to make a difficult and honest evaluation of myself. Many people struggle with maintaining employment in this economy but unlike others I obtain the interview and get hired often. I'm very impressionable. However the duration of my employment is tragically. I suppose I should be grateful to find work and I am. I'm aware of how far worse off I can be, but this circumstance affects my self-esteem nonetheless.

I'm not being immodest when I say I'm intelligent. I'm quick-minded but in a paradoxical sort of way. I process information slowly and retain details about as efficiently as trying to hold onto water in your hands. That doesn't sound very quick-minded, right? It'd be fair to question my judgment and there's no way for me to prove what I'm saying, but I know what I know. It's a futile effort to convince anyone. Every argument has its flaws. For example, my intelligence has been measured and confirmed. But so has Einstein's and his test score revealed him to be an idiot when, in fact, he's a genius.

My most recent job has lasted exactly two days. I was hired as a Bartender in virtually the easiest environment. As a "bartender", I didn't have to mix any cocktails. It was pouring bottle into glasses with obvious labels and there were only six different beers offered. I understood the procedures and executed them without a problem.

The most important part of this job was to be a natural conversationalist. I was told we serve the customers, keep them company, and the sexier we dress, the better. Of course that sounds more like a sexual hostess than a bartender, right? Especially since mixing drinks apparently wasn't part of the job duty.

I'd be neglectful to not consider this possibility especially since it's a Korean bar. (I'm not being racist. I believe there are cultural truths to certain stereotypes. To notice them is a sign of basic observational skills. It's when you judge the individual based on a generalization that I consider you to be racist, and that's not what I'm doing. I'm merely acknowledging an aspect of the Korean culture). Now that I feel I adequately explained myself, I can continue to proceed with my point...

Korean bars are notorious for a flirtatious environment because it's a part of their culture. Women are expected to entertain them. Bartenders play a certain eye candy appeal, as well. If any other bar told me I had to talk to the customers and dress sexy, I wouldn't have been alarmed because that's the nature of bartending. But I must admit the cultural factor did concern me,

When I first interviewed I had my reservations, but they quickly dissipated. I discovered that this bar actually attracts considerably exceptional people. It's surrounded by businesses and people who aren't known to sleep and drinking socially after hours is a lifestyle. Most places where you can drink nearby are party scenes. So this bar is a sanctuary for people who want to gather, drink, socialize, and not be bothered by the hype.

The first group that came were lawyers who have a law firm across the street. Most of the guys talked amongst themselves. There was only one guy who conversed with me and that's because we grew up in the same hometown. We talked about the mock trial in my high school and a few other things that bonded us. If it weren't for that, I would've stood there in silence.

Throughout the course of the night, I realized that these men weren't looking to be pervs at all. One guy wanted a drink and talk briefly about sports. There was also a dentist who's suite was right next to the bartending school I attended. I hear he's pretty reputable, as well. I may have even spoken with him before. I remember him saying that he doesn't enjoy going out. His roommate, however, does, and he was there that night, but he's a firefighter and EMT. I could tell because he knew some of my buddies and was familiar with the scene. They live close by and wanted to do something without getting sucked into the clubbing scene. Because we offer bottle service and hold bottles for customers once for up to a month, the bar encourages a demographic of regular customers.

The job was ridiculously easy. I'd open a bottle and pour. I didn't have to make cocktails. I understood how to work the cash register. And I'd chit chat. I'm known to be a conversationalist. It's depressing when someone gets fired from a job like this because it's really difficult to fail at it. There are some factors that suggest maybe it has less to do with my performance and more to do with the expectation and accurate prediction that I wouldn't be willing to cross a certain line, but I'm not sure that's what this was.

The night I was let go, I was having difficulty carrying conversations with customers. Most of them were speaking Korean, so I was unable to communicate with them. These are understandable factors. However the other new girl who had the same challenge somehow managed to get some sort of dialogue going. There was a depressed drunk guy I was asked to cheer up by talking about anything, and I wasn't able to remove that heavy presence of drunken sadness and belligerence. Another girl managed to get him to open up by just standing there, which was the same thing I was doing.

I was friendly but not inappropriately. In fact, there were other girls who have been there for a while and they were far less friendly. They didn't always have dialogue going, either. I felt like for some reason I was outcasted. But I'm not certain it was invalid. I sensed a gray area with me that isolated me from the other girls.

You know how sometimes someone dresses provocatively but is still following all of the rules? They're covering themselves up and aren't showing any skin. Sometimes their natural figure results in a provocative outcome without any real effort. Then there are some girls who can wear more revealing clothes and yet they don't portray that same provocative essence. The covered up girl isn't any less provocative, though. I feel like I was stuck in a similar trap. While some of the girls weren't friendly and didn't carry conversations, they still seemed like they belonged there and it was appropriate for them to stay, while I be let go. There's also the fact that the other girl was able to overcome the same obstacles I couldn't.

It may seem silly to put so much attention on something like this, but I've been frustrated for so long. I feel like I gain employment only to be immediately terminated regardless of the complexities. So when I lose such a simple job, it really strains my self-esteem. Not to sound disrespectful but when an unintelligent person is unable to perform certain tasks, it's unfortunate but also congruent with their shortcomings. I have the qualities required and yet somehow I manage to fail at execution. I feel like I have no excuse for being inadequate. So why does it keep happening?

With this most recent job, it revealed weaknesses even within my strengths. I'm a natural conversationalist and yet it's difficult for me to navigate in certain realms. I've expressed frustrations when my friends speak their native language in front of me when they can all speak English well. Yes, it's rude, but no other foreigners they surround themselves with seem to struggle with it as much as I do. I don't get upset; I just find myself unable to insert myself into their conversations. Others don't seem to have that same problem.

I feel like I never get a break. The nearby, convenient, and decently paying job with responsibilities I should be able to fulfill doesn't work out. It was ridiculously easy, too! But here's another dimension I must address. There were five of us working that night and at one point they all left me alone at the bar, while the rest of them went into a karaoke room. Was it really necessary for all of them to go in, while leaving me behind? Although I'm not incapable of serving drinks and working the cash register, it's a little odd to leave the new girl by herself when there's so many girls present, right? It's also worth noting that I don't speak Korean, so it's in their best interest to keep me accompanied by someone who can speak that language. If they felt my employment should be terminated, why would they leave me to tend the bar alone?

Something doesn't add up. At the end of the day, I was terminated. It's easy to brush this off as a realization on their part that I won't entertain the customers any further than what's professional. That's what my friend believes, and it's a logical conclusion. But it doesn't take away from my shortcomings, which seem to be a highlight in every employment opportunity. It may not ultimately be the reason why I was let go, but that's more circumstantial than anything.

I've been hiding from the truth out of embarrassment, but denial only lasts so long before the truth becomes clearer. I'm unable to perform basic job duties because my memory fails me in a severe way. I'll be asked to post a flier in a specific location and after ten steps, I'll immediately forget where I'm supposed to go. I wish I could say it's complicated, but it's usually something as simple as Kitchen B, instead of Kitchen A. I'll forget that a full day's parking is the equivalent of two tickets, so I'll put way more stickers by calculating in 15 minute intervals. I'd forget a vital step such as scanning documents before faxing it and filing it away. These are common procedures I shouldn't struggle with and yet I do A LOT.

Even with this blog entry, I began writing it on a Word document before I was able to get online and continue writing it on here. I forgot and was baffled on the Word document because I couldn't find the newer information I wrote. Yet I knew the Word document didn't lose any information. So I began re-writing when my memory reconnected. This may seem small but these "small" issues are constant and frequent. And much like small weapons, they have a destructive consequence.

It surprises people and I'm sure it makes them question if I do any drugs. I don't drink or smoke. I don't even drink caffeine or soda. It'd be frightening the way my memory fails me if it didn't become so mundane. I feel like I'm trapped in a cycle of insanity. The definition of insanity being that you do the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome because I obtain work with this intuitive knowledge that I'll be shortly terminated. It's more than a negative, self-fulfilling prophecy. Everything has energy and when you're exposed to something long enough, the signs become easy to identify. But I can't afford to deny work? So I'm basically sacrificing my self-esteem for short-term income. It's costing me more than the job description indicates.

I hate this cycle of gaining employment only to be fired, feel inadequate, and repeat the process over and over again. There are tons of work where I want to find employment and my experience matches what they're looking for. But it never seems to work out. I feel like the only job I'll be able to perform is being a cashier at minimum wage. Not only would that devastate me, but it's not realistic financially. Beggars can't be choosers. I know that. And frankly my pride is being torn to shreds that I no longer feel so resistant or able-minded for such a menial job. I'm saddened because I feel that it's all I can do without a problem. But I can't make enough money that way even full-time. I can't afford to work so many hours to get paid so little that I'm unable to find time or energy to get paid elsewhere.

If I were to be honest, I feel I have no business in an office-support setting. This is also where I gain the most employment. It's for such a short amount of time that unemployment insurance is unable to compensate me. I'm not efficient enough as a bartender to work in a bar setting. Many of them are too fast-paced for me. I don't have the best balance for catering. I have to diversify my skills, but even then, I'm still limited to what I can do with my memory challenges. I feel helpless, but for now I'm going to end this entry because Office Team offers free training programs. So I want to empower myself. Til next time!

I Can'ts and I Need to's

Are you familiar with the Laws of Attraction? They say that the first and last word used in a sentence is where the energy will travel, regardless of desire cuz the universe will respond to the energy being channeled at that moment. So if you say "I don't want it to rain." The universe will interpret that as "I" (me, the person in desire) and "rain" (as the source of desire). So I'm communicating that I want it to rain when in fact what I truly want is for it to be sunny. What I should really state is "I want it to be sunny." Plus using positive statements, instead of negatives like "don't."

It makes sense, and I certainly want my desire to be effectively communicated so that I may attain it. But in all honestly I resisted cuz I didn't want the responsibility of having to be conscientious of my speech. It wasn't just that, though. I didn't want to feel like a failure for not succeeding. I haven't even tried it and already I was anticipating it! Talk about self-sabotage... The truth is I'm not going to get this right my first time, but that shouldn't be a reason to not try. Furthermore, not taking responsibility is such an adolescent mentality. It'll take effort and at times can be frustrating, but it's necessary for improvement and self-growth.

So I've decided to give it a try. It's interesting how seeing the damage we cause really encourages us to better ourselves. Sometimes we need that incentive. One day I aspire to be someone who wants to better herself without those motivations, but at the moment I'm going to value the lessons my friends have enforced in me.

I have a friend who's surrounded by vegetarians and vegans, so she expressed how relieved she was that I eat meat cuz her other friends make her feel bad. I don't support that. I fully acknowledge that as a meat eater, I'm indirectly supporting the death of animals and that's not what I want. However I make that decision anyway and it's a personal choice. I don't think others have a right to judge me and insinuate that I'm a terrible person. That's not fair. You may not agree with my decision, but I take full responsibility for it.

I noticed my friend's pattern of absolving responsbility and personal strength. She said that she acknowledged her desire to eat meat cuz she ate it as a child and has a taste for it. I don't like the idea that we're imprisoned to our past. And I don't believe it. There are some things that are more difficult to escape and realistically some things are inescapable because a past is a part of us. But something like this is different. We have the ability to re-wire ourselves, and I know it cuz I'm one of them.

I have imbalanced hormones and have a huge appetite for meat. It was revealed that my body metabolizes meat too quickly, so my body is in a state of malnourishment. I used to have protein shakes that released protein into the body slowly. I've also recently discovered that I'm a O Blood Type. O bloods have a dietary staple of meats and vegetables cuz it's been predicted that O's were the first people, so at that time our diets were rich in meat and vegetables. Grains and dairy were introduced later. That means that I have a predisposition for a meat based diet, and I won't ignore it. But that doesn't mean I'm eternally attached and unable to ever escape a meat diet ever. That's how my friend sounds when she talks, and I was surprised by how much it frustrated me.

She also says stuff like she needs to smoke and drink, which isn't true. No, she's not an addict. I'm not concerned about that. She's weak is what she is. She uses necessity as a crutch, so she doesn't have to develop discipline. I believe we all succumb to this kind of thinking at some point in our lives, and I'm certainly guilty of it.

I may sound callous to talk negatively about my friend, but I believe she's earned it. I'm not saying positive things about her,which is sad cuz she's my friend, but I'm only recording the truth. If anything, I want her behavior to serve as a reminder for me to work on myself. By seeing me grow as a person, maybe one day she'll decide to do the same. I'd much rather praise her than talk bad about her, but I want to acknowledge these unfavorable qualities on my blog rather than let it boil inside of me cuz I find that when I write about my annoyances and frustrations, I give them enough attention to give them a chance to transform. I'm not saying these things to be cruel or satisfy some inner gossip girl. I just can't keep them inside of me. I have to release it somehow, and I'd much rather do it on here than somewhere else. Really I should thank her cuz she's inspried me to better myself. I hope I don't come off pretentious cuz that's certainly not my goal. But I believe I got what I needed from this experience. A safe place to express my frustrations, perspective, insight, and desire. Thanks!

What People Conceal

Quite a bit has happened since my last entry since it's been a while... My long term health concern has been resolved. It's been a bittersweet experience. I'm grateful that the problem has been identified and corrected. However after uncovering the problem, it's frustrating to think of how unavoidable the delay in treatment and identification could have been. But what's past is past, right? :)

As I intuitively suspected, this was rooted in a gynecological issue. My complex cyst has been removed during a laparoscopy. There were some unexpected complications. Thankfully my ovary is intact. It was touch and go for a moment there. It was discovered that I have endometriosis and chronic inflammation. My left fallopian tube and left ovary was so swollen that it was pushing my uterus down! No wonder why I was in so much pain! That accounted for the unidentified pain. Unfortuately my fallopian tube was removed cuz it was damaged beyond repair, and the only purpose it was serving was to shift my uterus out of alignment. Given the circumstance, the removal of my tube was the best thing to do. I fully understand that, but my concern is endometriosis attacked my left fallopian tube. What's to say it won't do that to my remaining one?

That's a frightening notion especially since there's no cure for endometriosis and at best, birth contraceptives are used to manage the pain. I, however, have always reacted negatively to the pill. I've tried them all. The low dose caused heavy period and severe cramps that debilitated me during the day. The high dose caused severe leg pain so intense that it woke me from my sleep. I can't return to that. Even my gynecologist who was advocating for the pill said I have to weigh the risk. The truth is that I was in a lot of pain and I ended up being hospitalized, so it's serious. But I was still far less debilitated when my organs were being pushed down than how my body was reacting to the pill.

I'm not a medical expert, and I can't guarantee that the decision I'm going to make is the right one. But I refuse to do something that's going to make me feel worse. So I've decided to explore alternative options such as acupuncture. I was recommended someone who specializes in endometriosis. We'll see where that lands me.

I'm finally able to look for work. I'm manifesting a job at the library at a specific location. The pay works wonderfully for me and will allow me to pursue other interests. I spend so much time at the library anyways. Please send positive energy my way to manifest this desire! I'm also waiting to heal, so I can return to modeling. I'm looking for Asian modeling agencies and other companies that are looking for my demographic :)

I created this title, but this experience has made me realize what people are able to conceal. My body hid this huge health problem and although it was trying to cry out to me, the truth is that it expertly hid quite a bit. Upon uncovering aspects of some of my friends attitudes, it's given me another dimension in my perspective. But I'm not inclined to express it right now, so that'll be for another entry. :)

When I Lose Touch with my Inner Goddess

I'm not a religious person; I'm more spiritual, if anything. I'm inclined to say that I believe in a Higher Being, although I feel less certainty now as I express this than years ago. I can confidently say that I believe there's a power greater than all of us and we're all connected to it. What that is, I couldn't even speculate.

Actually as my fingers keep typing away, I realize that isn't true. This greater power I believe we're all connected to could be a Higher Being. Or maybe it's the collective power innate in all of us that I sense. I believe each of us has the ability to manifest our desires. Some are better at it than others and variations exist just like we are as people. Some are tall, some are short, some are smart, some are sadly stupid, some are weak, some are strong....and so forth. Not everyone can manifest their abilities as easily as others.

I'd like to believe that I'm sensing the collective energy innate in all of us cuz it's an empowering idea. It's within our control to manifest our desires, materialize our dreams, and bring them to life. Even if a Higher Being does exist, I believe that it's still within our powers to achieve what we want out of life and too many of us (myself included) seek out external sources of assistances, rather than relying on our inner strength. This presence of power that exists in each of us is a marvelous thing, so I'm going to refer to it as our inner God or Goddess.

I, by no means, mean no disrespect to anyone who may find offense to my philosophy. I'm not trying to undermine any Higher Being. But since I'm not religious and I don't go to church, this is my equivalent. I hear people talk about how am imbalance is created when they lose touch with God and/or stop going to church, and when they reconnect, they're reminded of this ominous presence that empowers them. Well I don't go to church, but my body is my temple. And when I lose touch with myself, my soul that resides within my physical body that I'm going to refer to as my inner Goddess, a similar sense of imbalance occurs.

My life became stagnant and listless as I became discouraged. And I resisted in continuing to write about the same struggles cuz it was only perpetuating the energy I wanted to transform. But that led to my absence and negligence of this blog. Since I had nothing to write about, why even visit? I contaminated other aspects of my life with this same discouraging mentality.

I'm not quite sure when things shifted for me, and I can't even articulate the change. It's so slight that I'm even vulnerable to a relapse. You know when you're struggling and the pain dominates your life? It's so overwhelming and you can't escape it. As abstract and obscure as it is, people find a way to express it in a detail that's universal and tangible to many others who are going through the same thing or have once felt the same way. Yet when we overcome it, it's a liberating feeling but it's a process that can't quite transfer on paper or in this case the virtual world. I'm not quite sure why that is, but it's a personal, private accomplishment. It's one of the most life changing experiences. People have written books on how to get there, but the actual transition is this invisible force, unwritten and unrecorded. However evident it is when we're transformed by it.

I just want to take this moment and remember what happens when I lose touch with my Inner Goddess, so I'm more conscientious and continue to deepen my connection.

Manifestations on the Rise

I know I've been doormat for a while. But while I was neglecting my blog, life was happening all around me. The uncertainties and ambiguous health concerns as well as some intense emotional experiences left me feeling weak and helpless, but my body has an internal reset button. I hate to feel devastated, so much so that I have an unhealthy habit of suppressing my feelings. I do that because I can't bear the pain. Over the years I've discovered the danger of not dealing with my feelings and since I haven't had much practice coping with them, I feel like I struggle with it more than others. When it gets intolerable, my body just normalizes. I hit rock bottom and it's as if all my tears, pain, and sadness flush out of me and the water rises me to the top. I felt refreshed in some ways.

I'm pursuing modeling. It's something I've always been interested in but never gave attention to cuz either I wasn't very motivated or didn't have the time. Since it seems like every 9-5 job slips away from me and as much as I hate to admit it, so is my memory to the point that I'm having a difficult time even keeping basic jobs that it's a good opportunity to explore this realm. I feel like the universe is rewarding me in this path cuz already I've met five photographers in a matter of two months. I've had two photo shoots and have another one scheduled for tomorrow, one on Saturday, and I have to make appointments with three other photographers. These are all free, too!

Eventually I'll need compensation, of course but I like that I'm not losing money in an attempt to make money. It's an altruistic benefit. I just have to move forward from here once I gather everything I need to do just that. It's a bit frustrating cuz I want to create profiles online and I'm unable to complete the task cuz I'm not understanding how to save photos or upload them properly due to its size, etc. Fortunately pretty much all of the photographers have been exceptionally helpful, so I feel I can ask them for assistance.

So much has happened and I'm not really sure I'm inclined to record it all. It seems like a chore. But basically here goes! I stalked (yes stalked) my former English professor who now lectures at a different college from where I attended. With my health scare, it's made me examine my priorities. I've bounced around from one interest to another - writing, holistic nutrition coach, modeling, etc. While all of these capture my attention, writing has been a life long passion of mine and the only reason I haven't put together an adequate amount of publishable material is well....that's what I'm trying to discover. No actually that's what I'm trying to change.

As I thought more about this, I intuitively realized who I should seek out. Of course I could always email him and I imagine he would've been receptive, but taking the initiative and asking someone for assistance in my writing project is more likely to result in success if I do it in person. I'm so fortunate that he's receptive, enthusiastic, and has agreed to help me. I didn't go into detail but explained to him that I have a health concern I'm dealing with, it's opened up my schedule, money's tight, and I'm unable to attend school. More importantly, I don't think the key to putting so many of my writing visions together is inside of a classroom with assignments that are unrelated to my personal tasks. Since this is someone who pursued teaching English as a profession, he's more than willing to help me.

It's almost funny that I didn't think about this before. It's cuz I've never asked myself what can I do to help produce results, which is odd right? You'd think I'd ask such an obvious question! But sometimes things have to unfold at certain times and in different increments, so I'm going to choose to be grateful for what's happening now instead of concerning myself with the irrelevant past.

A friend has completed a book and is onto a second one. He's always been encouraging and supportive of my writing. He texted me once how do you not have a book yet and sadly cuz I wasn't in the healthiest mindset, I took offense to his comment which as it turned out was meant to be a kind-hearted one. It wasn't at all a judgmental inquiry and more along the lines of you're so talented. I found myself so excited and giddy for him but at the same time, that genuine happiness for him was an external feeling I was releasing and it was leaving my body. It left me feeling empty. I wanted to keep that excitement for myself, but I don't have anything to be excited for. I want to change that. I don't want my friend's success to be a bittersweet experience laced with a tinge of envy. It affects the quality of friendship I can offer for one thing. But I believe all of that has led me in the right direction.

Timing can be so magical. I became even closer with a friend who I've in the past only spent time with briefly, but you can tell there's this bond between us and she didn't hesitate to express it. She shared with me that she has two sisters, but she feels a sisterly connection with me. To this day, that's one of the best compliments I've ever received. So I couldn't be happier to have gotten closer with her. We both bring out the best qualities in each other, too.

A natural flow of events landed me as her Personal Organizer, which has rewarded her energetically and for me, as well. She gave me some money for my efforts, although I wasn't looking for it. Since she doesn't have much money, she's now offering me products. She's a designer. It's amazing how such a seemingly small gesture became an epiphany. A year ago I thought to ask her to help me accessorize but hesitated since I rarely talked to her and didn't want to run the risk of disturbing her, even though she's always been open and inviting. I rationalized during that time that although I love her designs, the jewelry she makes isn't really my style. To think I wasted an entire year not asking for her advice when it was available all this time hidden in her closet!

It made me realize that I still have self-sabotage traps, and I'm so grateful that I have her in my life cuz she's providing me with a safe, encouraging, and supportive environment for me to say and do the things I instinctively hesitate to do such as ask for help. Her genuine nature is an eye-opener. This is more than accessories for me. It's teaching me to trust my intuition and myself. I want to accessorize more cuz I have a difficult time seeing the big picture. I'm excellent at attention to detail, which is analytical and intellectual. But my creative side is underdeveloped and I want to practice it more. I want to find my creative identity.

Much in the same way I hesitated and rationalized, I remember years ago watching Martha Stewart with a guest who reconstructs t-shirts. I was intrigued and yet I rationalized my attention away by telling myself I'm not crafty, it's too much work, and I'm not creative. I don't even give myself a chance! As I was cleaning out my friend's closet, she was showing me shirts she wants to reconstruct and I remember that vague feeling of appeal resurface, but I yet again ignored it! Now I want to explore it.

I may decide to not pursue it, but I want to allow myself a chance to make informed decisions, rather than rejecting ideas before they have a chance to take shape. The truth is I need the money and this could be a way to do it. It doesn't have to be permanent or maybe it can be. I feel like this free time is about exploring. No matter how much effort I put into filling my time with productive agendas according to societal standards, I find myself in the same place I'm at now. Maybe I'm supposed to discover something.

I want to build my portfolio for modeling. I want paid photo shoots. I want my rent to be lowered. I want more income. I want to explore the creative realm and develop my creative identity. I want to build more meaningful relationships. I want my relationship to deepen. I want to learn to be more honest and open about my feelings. I want to feel comfortable taking the initiative to show someone how I truly feel or at the very least not withdrawal by giving mixed signals. I want to find unconventional ways to make money. I feel that I have to take advantage of uncommon ways to profit at this point in my life, so I'm trying to keep my eyes, ears, and intuition peeled for those opportunities. Manifestations on the rise!

Vertigo in the Midst of a Hurricane

I have a friend who means so much to me that it kills me to see him suffer. After a series of irrational and pointless arguments I'm sad to admit I've been a part of cuz it certainly wasn't a one-sided argument, I began opening my eyes to what the problem is. I don't mean to come off pretentious, despite the pretentious aura, but it's not me. When others are angry, while external forces play a role, it's deeply rooted in the angered individual.

Anger only survives in us when an imbalance and susceptibility for it is present within us. When I stopped reacting and stopped taking offense to the attacks, my perception expanded. I saw what was beyond the surface. I stopped being a part of the problem long enough to see it's not necessary to defend myself because when I do, I give power to the toxic energy and that only makes me susceptible to reciprocate.

I've been struggling in my own way with this. I've yo-yoed through a series of feelings and positions. I empathize for his suffering cuz despite my vehement position that it's self-inflicted, pain is still pain and knows no discrimination. I remember suffering the way he is. I haven't forgotten how difficult it is to let go, to feel helpless, drowning in what felt like the cause and source of my happiness, frustration, resentment, and anger, unable to separate myself from every negative energy I could possibly be linked to and even more harder in some ways continue to proceed with all that weight and burden. I didn't know how to stop. Slowing down and taking a break was perceived as a form of weakness. Even though I desperately needed a break, I refused to allow myself of such a thing. And in some ways it was even harder that I could keep going this way cuz it was discouraging. If I can keep going like this and nothing seemed to change around me, my environment, my life, my actions, my surroundings, my annoyances, people, then how can it ever get any better?

And if I never thought it could get better, I didn't want to put in the work towards improvement I didn't believe I'd ever meet. So I self-destructively sustained and perpetuated the problem, which not only changed nothing but exacerbated existing issues, as well as invite new burdens into my life. I paradoxically both knew and didn't know that I did everything I could to suspend myself in the state I was in, but I manifested even more damage into my life cuz the intensity of my rage was so powerful and subliminal that I was attracting more of it. With my own limited awareness, as well as the input of others, I was aware of my unhelpfulness and uncooperation in the matter. But I also didn't see what was going on, and that's why I was like that.

I still don't know how I got past it. I've read of the struggle and of how things got better when it was overcome, but there never seems to be much detail in the how-to. The transition between Hell to better is invisible. I went through it. I wrote about it. I still write about it. And yet I can't string together the transition, the thread that led me out of that darkness.

If anything, surviving it makes me susceptible to being intolerant to my friend's difficulty especially since it is self-inflicted! My friend's much like me a nervous person prone to stress if he's not careful. But I don't react the way he does under fire. He's asked me more than once how I've learned to not struggle the way he does. I'm sure I frustrated him with my answer which was that I couldn't really tell him. Each situation is unique and we're different people. Even if I could explain how I overcame it, it wouldn't help him. That's what I told him. The details beyond this sentence were thoughts in my mind that I kept to myself. This is something he needs to deal with internally. My source of knowledge would merely be external references for him, an insubstantial measure. The answer I gave him was a calculated one, however honest it was. But my thought to his question was that I grew up and stopped reacting like an adolescent.

You're pissed cuz you have fines. You earned them when you turned on a no u-turn sign, drove past a red light, exceeded the speed limit, parked where you weren't supposed to, or neglected to move your car when you should have. By saving at most 3 minutes (and that's a generous time line), you got a ticket cuz you turned when you shouldn't, an easily avoidable act. You take the same route weekly and are familiar with the neighborhoods you drive through. These are conscientious choices on your part. And it's not like he was running late and had any reason or motivation to rush.

You get caught, while others get away with it. It's true, that's unfair. I'm not disagreeing with that. So then what? You wanna keep focusing on how it's fucking unfair or do you want to make YOUR situation better by making the necessary and easy adjustments? If you know what you're doing wrong and how that's the cause of your problem but continue to do it, then you're responsible for it. Other people are on the road just like you. Other people take the same route to work just like you. But not everyone is getting fined just like you cuz their actions are different from yours.

Instead of recognizing and accepting where the fault lies, which means he has to face his own self-criticism cuz he's unable to examine things objectively and without judgment, he blames the government and meter maids. Sure, our system's flawed. Meter maids want you to screw up, and our system is created in a way that our government profits from our mistakes rather than investing in responsible drivers. The citizens are the ones at a disadvantage at the end. But that still doesn't change how you're creating the problem for yourself as a conscientious driver knowledgeable of the law and rules.

There's no flaw in my logic, and he knows it whether I express it or not. It's obvious! That also adds to his frustration cuz HE keeps fucking up. He's upset with himself. And it's understandable. But nothing will get better if nothing changes. Knowing this he still continues to sabotage himself and then he finds himself over burdened and desperate to unload.

Sometimes you just wanna lash out cuz when you're filled with negativity, it has to be released. No matter how irrational a person's being, it's important to give them room to boil over so they can normalize. But there's a fine line between releasing the hostility and allowing it room to grow by feeding into it every time you express it. This has been building inside of him for a solid year now. A fucking year of bitching by an adult who sets his behavior up for this exact consequence. Seeing how his complaints and repercussions are the same, he's aware of the mistakes that it causes. So WHAT...THE....FUCK....

Things have gotten so bad for him that everything's an escalation from what it actually is. He let things get out of hand, and he's struggling to resume control. As a result, minor details enrage him as if it's 500% percent worse than it actually is. He's ashamed of his reaction and blames others for it cuz he believes it's triggered by the actions of others. So not only does he get livid when something he considers unacceptable occurs, but he's raging with anger whenever there's a disagreement and by disagreement I mean even minor, minor details. It's frightening how emotionally hostile he gets over matters that are so dismissive.

Wall art
Washing the dishes
Opening the blinds

He has this green wall shelf decoration. It's a huge box with boxes within it. It's decorative. You can place stuff on it, whatever you'd like really. It was temporarily sitting below the kitchen island when he first received it. They're both a shade of green and the color complimented each other well. I said I liked where it was placed. I know that wasn't meant to be there or will be there permanently, but I was just commenting on the unique placement. I'm weird. I like weird stuff. I mean, who puts a large boxy wall shelf below a kitchen island in the hallway area sitting on top of a carpet? Yes, it's odd and would be very misplaced. But is it so severe that it should be the cause of yelling and being condescending and rude and disrespectful? Fuck no!

I swear all I said is I like where you put it. He said it's not going to stay there, that it's supposed to be on the wall. I said I know, but I like where it is. It's different. He repeated himself and now in retrospect he expressed it with frustration and a mild tinge of hostility that it's supposed to be on the wall. I still said I liked it cuz it's unique.

It's as if he got upset cuz my belief was a disruption against what's supposed to be, and he has so little tolerance for things that aren't the way they're supposed to be cuz he's unhappy with his life and how he feels it's not the way it's supposed to be. I wish I had that epiphany while the argument was taking place. I would've invested far less energy into it. Since the conversation was so harmless in my eyes, I didn't realize the hostility that rose from what I poured into, my thoughts... I mean who would've thought it would lead to its ultimate destination?

So after I said it's unique, he yelled at me that it was stupid. What about a coffee table on the wall and an upside down couch? That's unique. It's different. And no one's doing it. Then he reminds me that no one does it cuz it's not supposed to be like that and it's stupid! Over reaction much? That should've been my response. That's it. I shouldn't have bothered to take offense over something so trivial and stupid. But I did. I got upset. I was hurt. I mean really devastated not by the words but the emotional hostility, disrespectful, and rudeness that carried those other powerless words.

A culmination of reactions like those made me face the undeniable reality that it's a lot less about me and more about him. I really doubt I was responsible for his actions cuz perhaps I was being rude, condescending, and disrespectful in some way outside of that brief conversation that stirred a hostility in him that could no longer be contained. And even if I did, he invented the walled coffee table and upside couch cuz a pointless, irrelevant hypothetical situation was able to so easily anger him. How is that on me?

He admitted to me that his friend pisses him off cuz he wakes up in the afternoon. He said it judgmentally about how he's unproductive and gets nothing done cuz the morning is when people should wake up. He and his friend aren't in business together. He's not losing profit. It's not interfering with them hanging out. When they're together, they enjoy each other's company. His friend's sleep pattern isn't disrupting his sleep pattern. He's in such a heightened state of anger, hostility, and criticism that he's conditioned to effortlessly identify things he disapproves of and lashes out at it relentlessly, even when those things have no direct impact on his life.

When his DVD player didn't operate correctly, he literally had a meltdown. I mean, screaming, the heavy panting breathing, and just flipping out. It was freaky. Not being able to find parking was so stressful for him that he began sweating profusely, he got clammy, and it got so bad that he got vertigo and incredibly pale and weak. His hands looked lifeless and he had little energy to move his arms. He could barely keep his eyes open. When he forced them open, they opened very slowly and his eyelids looked like they were weighing down heavily.

His actions leave me unsympathetic and pitiless towards him. But when it manifests into physical concerns, I worry. I mean, I really worry. Since I can emotionally detach myself and have learned to not get contaminated by his negativity, I have no desire to abandon him. He stressed himself out so badly that he got a fever and he recovered surprisingly quickly. A full day of resting made a world of difference. But he got angry when I asked him if he wanted to sleep on his bed.

I know some people take offense to stuff like that however well-intentioned it is cuz they perceive it as condescending or treating someone as weak. If I show that I care about you and you take it negatively, that's not my fault. With that said, I ask cuz I want my friends to feel better. If such a question will only exacerbate the situation, I'll keep my mouth shut. I can care about someone in silence. But in this case he wasn't mad at me; he was mad at what it represented, that he's sick. His anger didn't last, though, as he could barely stand. I accompanied him on a two hour ride which should've totaled to four hours but actually lasted six hours cuz I was afraid that his fever would relapse. He was barely able to keep his head straight just hours before.

I can't tell someone like him to not go for a drive. It'll only anger the rebellion, which is likely to weaken him. I had to ask him to take me to Robeks as a favor to me when I wanted him to get some nourishment. He admitted to me that it helped and gave him a boost of energy. He said it was easier to move. If you could barely keep your fucking head up and your body feels weak, why the fuck would you be behind the wheel?

I'm glad he's safe, and I don't regret ensuring that. Every so often, I told him I wanted to stop and pee. He would get annoyed, but each time I felt like his focus was shifting was when I made these requests and it always ended with him saying I made a good judgment. It's frightening to think of what could've happened if I wasn't there cuz I've seen him struggle going up three flights of stairs. He'd walk like a drunk person and be completely sober. But I'd rather he not be like this.

I'd rather he return to the positive and happy person he used to be. I wish he'd face the difficulty he's trying so hard to ignore as a way to overcome it. I wish he'd stop focusing on small details and see the big picture cuz it takes time even after realizing the big picture to shift our moods that have solidified in negativity. I wish he'd stop being a victim to fixed beliefs that productivity should dominate and step away from engaging in inefficient tasks and meditate where he used to. I wish every time he has an opportunity to get upset and complain about the cause, he chooses to do somethign else, anything else. Listen to good music. Think up three positive things to say. It sounds cheesy, but he has to change his habits.

Being negative has become a conscious, subconscious, and unconscious habit. It's become a toxic lifestyle. To change it, he has to actively engage in positive thinking. His brain probably hasn't released happy chemicals in so long that he has to alert them and entertain them before they become operational again.

I wish he would realize how important he is and make himself a priority. Yes, the clutter in his apartment is stressing him out but if twenty minutes of trying to clean it up leaves him angry for six hours, then he needs to take a break rather than try and push through it. It may not seem productive to go to the beach for a day and do nothing cuz he'll have nothing measurable to show for it, but sometimes the most valuable things are immeasurable. I wish he would realize that.

I won't abandon him right now as long as I can stay positive through all of this, but I don't want to have to be disciplined and focused to stay anchored. I'd much rather be doing something else rather than babysitting an adult from himself. I know he didn't ask for me to turn him into my responsibility and I know it sounds incredibly condescending. But I'm not exaggerating when I say he could drive off and get into a car accident. Something has to change cuz if it doesn't, I won't be here. Right now he's continuing down a road deeper and much darker. I won't be able to stay above the negativity for much longer and when I run out of breath, I'm going to go on survival mode and he'll be alienated. I care about him, but I refuse to go down with the ship.

Platonic Friendships

Since I've been unemployed, I've been thinking a lot about this one guy who works at an EDD Work Source Center. I bet if he read that first sentence and knew it was coming from me, he'd be gleaming with pride. Unbeknownst to him, it'd be misguided and grossly misunderstood pride on his part. I'm not thinking of him in an attractive or in my opinion a positive way at all. He's an example of an unfortunate circumstance in my eyes and not want I want to expose myself to.

Everyone is different, and we can't or shouldn't be who we aren't. I don't agree with his perspective, but the truth is that my opinion is about as valid and therefore as invalid as anyone else's since this is a subjective matter. What works for one person doesn't work for another. I believe what I believe because of who I am and how I operate and respond to things. If my response and perspective was closer to his, then I'd look at someone like me and be confused or skeptical too. It's understandable, but it's his lack of openness that both frustrates and saddens me.

Some people don't accept a perspective outside of their own and therefore believe that any that exist outside of their own is a result of distortion, fabrication, or illusion. How can someone make such a judgment about a perspective they not only share but openly admit they don't understand? It makes no sense to me. There's a difference between rejecting someone else's position cuz it doesn't fit into your life, beliefs, or identity, but it's another thing to say it isn't real. You can believe it isn't real and share that perspective, but opinion and fact are two different things.

I'm a girl with a lot of guy friends. In my world, platonic friendships do exist. You can doubt it by all means. You're entitled to your opinion, but to say I'm just wrong in a finalized and factual retort is immeasurable by the person making such a statement. You just look stupid.

I'm not going to bend over backwards to prove myself cuz the type of person who refuses to accept any alternative won't be receptive to something that shouldn't even be an argument. Seeing how I've had friends who have outright refused to sleep with me under the pretense that I'm like a guy, sister, not someone they find attractive, not interested, not their type, or no offense but you're so petite that you look too young and I'd feel uncomfortable support what I say. These are friends I've had from childhood, so it makes sense. Sexual attraction starts later in life, and it just didn't carry over with me.

Could it be that I'm ugly? Probably not. I get a lot of attention from guys, and I don't mean to sound pretentious but it's true. Not that I'm the hottest girl ever, but I certainly get enough attention from guys who describe me as a sexy, beautiful, attractive, hot, tasteful... So guys don't tend to find me attractive cuz I'm the trashy "hot" girl. I'm thin and petite, but I have a curve, although as I already mentioned I'm petite.

I'm not saying every guy friend has never had any desire, thought, or fantasy to sleep with me, but our friendship isn't disingenuous and in existence with the intention to bed me. I think after ten years, it's safe to say that isn't the case. And these are guys who successfully get pretty much any girl they aspire to sleep with. Not everyone is made equal.

If you're the kind of guy who gets a hard on by just looking at a girl, it's understandable why you don't have platonic friendships. But not everyone is like that! What I don't understand are guys who try to educate or enlighten me. I'm not saying every guy is like this but some are. I don't want to go through the trouble of reliving my past of many, many different parents asking me why their son isn't interested in sleeping with me. Is it cuz I have an STD? I couldn't get anyone to sleep with me until I found a guy outside of my high school. Yeah, this late bloomer lost it after high school.

I wish I could say that I don't have any resentment towards this, and I partially believe it. But I only partially believe it. I don't like how meeting guys like him reminds me of my past and resurfaces my inadequacies cuz of his limited perception. Then I feel guilty for placing my reaction that I'm solely responsible for on someone else.

It's just tragic cuz I have a healthy mix of friends now, both women and men. They're so different. I can't imagine cutting one gender out of my life. That's slicing my experience in half. I wouldn't have been able to evolve as I did. If it weren't for my guy friends, I'm not certain I could be confident and secure when I'm involved with a guy cuz I'd constantly feel inferior every time he notices other attractive women. I'm too observant to not notice, either.

There's nothing wrong with guys noticing other girls. Not like once he becomes involved with me that all of a sudden, all pretty girls disappeared. I relate more to guys. If I didn't have them in my life, I would've felt so alone and alienated. Nothing's more lonely than being surrounded by people and feeling either invisible or foreign within everything that's tangible around you.

Of course I'm comparing extracting something I've already experienced and is a part of me out of my life vs. someone who has no idea what I'm talking about. Apples and oranges. Sometimes you can't know what you're missing unless you've had it. But still... I've been thinking about this a lot cuz I have so much free time that I'm able to spend it with my friends. And I've resisted going to the work source center cuz I don't want to have to convince someone that platonic friendships do exist. Who has to deal with shit like that? It's ridiculous!

Yes, I can tell him to leave me alone. But I don't even want to deal with it. What's the point behind his action anyways? He says friendships with the opposite sex doesn't exist. I know he'd gladly sleep with me if he can. He began showing me pictures of all his ex-wives and expressed how he's always been able to get really attractive girls, even though he's not the best looking. He's trying to impress me by validating himself through his past failed relationship. Score! Not only is that a poor attempt but a demonstration of weak intelligence. It's lazy. You wanna impress a girl? You don't reference the past.

Seriously what's the point behind his action? He doesn't believe opposite sex friendships exist. I don't want to spend time with anyone who isn't my friend. I made that much clear. He's asked me if I'd help him sell his furniture and help him haggle. Really? Do you even know if I have skills in that department? Not that it matters since that's so not the point! But how does convincing me that opposite sex friendships don't exist help you? It won't make me spread my legs open. It won't actually change your life.....

It took me a long time to realize this, but there is no definite yes or no answer to this cuz everyone is different. So what's with this ongoing debate? You can argue that someone is faking a platonic gesture. Sure. You can argue that someone is genuine in their platonic intentions. But you can't create an ultimate generalization. At least not one that's accurate and successful in its assessment. When will people realize that?