An Experience of Birthdays, Days 51 and 52

It's fascinating how experiences are so powerful that they have the ability to define or re-establish what we once believed to be true in a matter of moments. Early into the day I brainstormed about what this blog entry would be like and it re-shaped multiple times beginning with "Happy Birthday to Me" which carried a positive but not quite accurate tone to a title I can't recall right now. It expressed that it was my birthday in a more narrative tone, while this one hints at experiences. While I am a cynical person, I'm not cynical about my birthday. I've never been excited about my birthday because most of them turned out terribly, but I'm not convinced they'll be awful every year. I just don't treat it like a different day the way most people do. It's just not important enough to me. I'm rather neutral about it.

With facebook, though, I've had friends asking me what my plans are. To this day I feel like the previous year hasn't ended because I haven't had my ritual Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner, so people asking me about my birthday was a shock attack for me. Nuts, right? I'm fully aware of how off the wall that seems. But I feel how I feel. What can I say?

Then something amazing happened. I wish I can enjoy it more considering the environment I'm in right now, but I like how it made me feel and the perspective. I was disappointed because my boyfriend was gone during my birthday. He came back with a birthday present - perfume and the best card I'd ever been given. He wrote such a long note there for me because he knows I'm an aspiring writer, so he's aware of how much I value writing. It really touched me.

The card itself represents the kind of person he is, and I like that a lot! It's nice to get cards that my friends know I'll like. But when it comes to a boyfriend, I find that a card he chooses for me is telling. He wrote that my birthday is important because it celebrates my life and for my friends and family, it celebrates the new me. I never thought about it that way. I read the card a couple times and each time it makes my heart smile.

It meant a lot to me because I was thinking that this year I'd love to use my birthday as an excuse to see friends I haven't seen in a while. Ever since I've allowed facebook public searches for me, I couldn't be happier! A much older friend who's like a mother to me found me. I was so grateful to find her there. I miss her so much! A good friend from high school found me when he finally opened a facebook account. We live six hours apart and he said that he'd come down to help me move. How incredibly sweet and awesome would that be? We really want to hang out and we're so much more likely to find the time if an occasion calls for it. It's so sweet that he'd be willing to put in manual labor at that! Another friend of mine from middle school gave me a copy of his keys when I was having family problems, so I would always have a place to stay. And another friend who let me stay with him when I was having family problems now lives in Japan. I was going to move there if I didn't get the classes I wanted. I have some amazing friends! I'd love to catch up with them!

I want to spend my birthday with people who mean a lot to me, which is why I was so disappointed when my boyfriend had to be away for the weekend. I wondered why I was bummed out when I tell myself that my birthday isn't that big of a deal. Then when I read what he wrote for me, it all made sense. Of course I'd be sad if I couldn't spend my birthday with someone that amazing! He said we can celebrate it later, and I intend on doing that!

I haven't figured everything out, but I know I want to have an exclusive just us celebration. I'd love to have a picnic date. People say lunch dates aren't dates, but I disagree with that bigoted notion. I love the idea of having a date when the sun is shining outside where I get to enjoy the fresh air and be comfortable because I'm sitting on a nice blanket. Yet versatility allows me to dress up in something like a sundress. I've never had a picnic and always wanted to go. I bought a picnic basket and all it's doing is storing my checks. What I'd like to see happen is a picnic date at a nice park on a sunny day right underneath a slightly shaded tree with homemade food and maybe a book that we can take turns reading like a poetry book. Is that lame? Even if it is, I don't care! That's what I want and a pretty sundress to boot! Without boots, though.

What ended up happening was a series of adventures. A bunch of people partying in my unit in a way this old hag vehemently argues is amateur both disappointed me for the younger generation while simultaneously depressing me that I've officially become the old grinch criticizing the younger generation. I was hiding out in at a friend's place when I nonchalantly mentioned that it was my birthday. Some of them were in disbelief and then a birthday song followed. This was during some outrageous hour. I didn't leave until 3 or 4 am.

Later on in the day we had made plans to go to a Vietnamese Festival which was like a carnival. That was actually a lot of fun! My new friend who by the way was awesome enough to color my hair half an hour before we had planned to leave colored it! Four of us went to Target and picked out a color for me and asking some random customer her opinion, too. We went on this ride where you can spin if you try really hard. Both of us being so skinny it required effort, but we did it! And yummy Viet porridge, too, we had! ^_^

Then we had made plans to go to a boba place, which could've been fun except I was overwhelmed with guilt and inappropriateness. They wanted to play the game kiss and blow where you kiss the person next to you with a kleenex stuck between you. Being 26 that day no less made me feel so old especially since some of them just became teenagers!!! So instead I hung out with two friends I hadn't seen in a while to grab a bite to eat. That was a lot of fun. And along the way I ran into two other friends I hadn't seen in a while.

One friend and I spent hours in the car talking about....well A LOT! I found a new buddy to have off-the-wall tangents with :) It was nearing 6 am, so she started driving me home when I really had to pee! I swear we stopped at over five places and something or another prevented me from peeing!!! Out of service, an unusual wait, closed sign, something, anything! It's like we were hunting for a toilet! Fortunately we found a place thank Gawd because there was a marathon right by my house and it took longer than it should have to drop me off. An eventful but fun birthday!

A Day Full of To-Do Lists and Socializing, Day 50

Today was rather an unplanned sort of day filled with going to the bank, making payments I should've made a couple days ago, catching up, realizing how exhausting my usual extensive walks are as of late, significantly clearing my to-do list, and procrastinating on doing laundry. Tomorrow I'm going to the farmer's market and I plan to treat myself to fresh mushrooms, scrumptiously crunchy radishes, and sweet carrots in an assortment of colors to surprise my boyfriend with when he returns. I wish I could do more for him, but I have to make do with what I got. I'm going to build that rabbit a salad he'll enjoy. I hope I find the time to stop by and get him some treats as Little Tokyo, too. I did get a lot of things done, but I'm not nearly as high-strung productive as I used to be. Then again, I get to enjoy my day more because I don't overfill it with mundane tasks. I feel like I'm finally getting back into the swing of things and the path I should be on to revert back into what I want to reunite with.

Going Back to my Roots, Day 33-49

I feel like all I've been doing is neglecting this blog and when I finally make the time to blog, it's to report that I've been neglecting it and that much is obvious. It's time to get back to my roots. I've been neglecting a lot of aspects of myself. They're small things that have huge impacts. Even something as seemingly small as showering in the morning instead of at night is seriously messing with my schedule. I used to wake up at 7 am like clockwork. I did that last night and boom! Just like the good old days! That little thing threw off my intellectual capacity, find insight in mundane experiences worth writing about, my self-sufficient habits, etc.

Why is it that when my schedule is open that I find the time for priorities, but when I don't have other responsibilities, I can't seem to do anything? I can't go to school because I don't work. I don't work, so I can't go to school. I have debt up the ass because I don't work, although that's progressively working towards an improvement. I avoided my furniture going to auction because I couldn't pay it off.

I suppose I'm lucky to even be getting temp jobs, but they're hardly stable. I'm at a point in my life where my situation allows me to sustain my current lifestyle, but I can't move forward the way things are. I want to move out of where I am. I want a stable job. Once my debt clears, my only expenses will be rent and storage mostly. I go to food banks for food, and that's more than sufficient.

I've stopped desiring indulgences like movies and going out. I've gotten to a point in my life where I've gotten used to this stump, and I don't like it! Pout! I feel too lazy to want indulgences, and while they are "indulgences" they're a lot more justified than you would think. Lots of girls want accessories and clothes. It's not always necessary, but I don't have a purse AT ALL except one that doesn't fit anything and is held together by both string and wire. It's a liability to walk around with just my wallet because I tend to forget it at places. I think I deserve a new purse. Thank God the weather's hot again! I have clothes for it. When it was raining, I couldn't properly protect myself. Now it's skirt season! That's something I'm happy about it.

I have to reunite with the old me! I want to want desires. I want my edge back! I miss the ruthless writer in me. I'm making baby steps back into my life. But I haven't even taken the time to proofread this. My actions and choices led me to where I am today. It isn't fortunate in many conventional ways, but it's provided me with an opportunity I would've never had. And I plan to pursue it! It's time to turn poison into medicine!

So Many Neglected Days, Days 20-32

I've neglected so many days that I'm just trying to stay up to date on what day it is. A lot has happened, progressively towards the better. I'll blog about it soon, but for now, I'd like to indulge my OCD productively :)

Contrasting Days, Days 18 and 19

As my day unfolded I was "writing" the introduction to this blog in my mind and it went something like this. I feel less than human. Humans have feelings, desires, ambitions, goals, standards, self-worth. I have these things, but I'm not living my day as if I do. So I'm being treated as such. When desperation strikes and I grab at the first opportunity that comes my way, standards be damned, I'm going to be reciprocated with that same energy! It's the balance of the universe.

I've been making money here and there by being in experiments, but I keep being rescheduled. The tests are a minimum of three sessions. Once I'm in, I'm in. But until then, they can easily discard me. So when I'm asked if I can be rescheduled because they can't see me, I'm not in a position to decline such an offer unless I want to risk being dismissed from the experiment completely. So I agree to be rescheduled for later on that day which throws my schedule for other experiments I have the same day, as well as my social life which I might as well say goodbye to.

It's been raining like crazy. It's been so intense I feel like the rain can beat me to the ground. I walk to the corner of my block and my feet are completely drenched. I can't avoid the puddles unless I jump over them and risk spraining my ankle, which I've already done by the way. I've already almost gotten sick twice.

-SO MUCH TIME HAS PASSED SINCE I'VE HAD THIS EXPERIENCE THAT I'M NOT GOING TO CONTINUE WRITING ABOUT IT.

Domino Effect Relationships, Days 15, 16, and 17

Thoughts create reality, but thoughts are lucid, intangible, abstract, obscure, subjective, and gray. How can someone create reality that is physical, tangible, and real out of something that isn't? And when someone does because we all do, how do we know what's right and what's wrong? Is that even the right question? We all have thoughts, so we all have our own realities. If we live in our own realities, do we live separately from the people around us or do we co-exist within an overlapping reality? Are the realities one in the same or do they intertwine at certain points?


I ask because my reality is so conflicted. What I believe to be true isn't always the case, so when I build reality from false pretenses, what then? But how can you really know another person? All I have to go on is what I'm told and what I feel. And what happens when I'm told that what I feel is wrong? Or what I'm told is different from how I feel or think I feel? Who do I trust then when I don't trust any of the voices?






I want this relationship to work, and I'm told he feels the same. He puts so much effort into it and into me that it's practically insulting to question his sincerity and honesty. But he seems incapable of being truthful to me with inconsistencies like he tells me the truth to later explaining why he didn't tell the truth and revealing that he's unable to be honest around me. I want to be with someone who can be honest with me. Is that really too much to ask for? Do I not deserve a person's honesty?

What is it about me that makes it difficult for him to be honest with me? I want the best for him, and if I'm standing in his way, I'd rather go. Do I want to be gone? No but given the two choices, that's what I prefer. I don't want to be the reason why he isn't successful. I don't want to be distracting. My biggest fear and hope is that he'll realize his success is more important than my happiness and will leave me. Actually my biggest hope is that he can find a way to spend time with me while tending to his responsibilities.

There's a domino effect with so many things. Meeting my boyfriend when I did saved me from moving away, but it also thwarted me from taking preventive measures of getting screwed over by the representative of the property manager who by the way ran off with everyone's money. Interestingly enough it's because the property manager refused to refund him his security deposit, so the shrimp retaliated by waiting until he received everyone's rent (with the exception of mine because my rent is due much later into the month) which accumulated to the security deposit amount. I'm not excusing the shrimp or anything. It's just interesting that I could've prevented all of this by going after him the first time he showed signs of shadiness.

And because I didn't, I have roommates accusing me that I motivated him to take this course of action. How dare they try and spread the deceit onto me as if that grown adult and con artist doesn't have his own mind! If I treated him more nicely, he wouldn't have done this! How the fuck would you know? Guy's got internet scams, porn sites, international business affairs going on all over the place. They think he screwed everyone over because I upset him? That must be why I was the only one who didn't get financially-scammed right, stupid bitches?

And it's always my fault. No one ever asks why does he do that? Why does he treat you differently? Why do you hate him so much? Why do you treat him that way? What has he ever done to you? Forget the fact that he attacked me. He tried calling the cops behind everyone's back to evict me because my name was never on the lease. If I didn't stop him, we all would've been evicted because almost none of our names are on the lease, not legal leases anyways. I had to reason with the shrimp and make him realize the consequences it would have on him. He tried stealing my stuff by being in my space looking through my shit! No, it's all my fault. No one ever stops to wonder what could've made me tip over the edge!

People fail to see that a Domino effect had to have began somewhere! I hve extreme reactions, but they're reactions. Reactions to what? That's a good question, but it seems like everyone is too stupid to think beyond their own problems or behind five steps to even acknowledge that a root had developed at one point or another. All they see is it's Jaymie's fault because she's the most vocal and confrontational. That's the observational skills and assessment of a five-year old! Those bitches have no idea the measures I've taken to protect all of us. And I know they don't know any of this, but how can you fail to realize that you don't know shit???

"He did this because everyone mistreated him." Again only the basic observational skills and assessment of a five year old who fails to realize that it's a back and forth interaction, which means it began from somewhere. If everyone treats him the same way, maybe there's a reason behind it. No those nurturing bitches have to protect the weak one. And how do you fail to realize that you don't know what you're talking about when there's an absence of content and just air where they should be thought, content, knowledge, understanding, substance? Maybe my rational thought is too advanced for them. After all, I'm thinking like an adult like for example that shrimp has the ability to make his own decisions. That's not logic that'll sink in for them.

There's also the very high probability that the property manager and the representative are both in on it. I've heard them collaborating different ways to scheme people before. Right before this went down, they've been far more discreet and secretive about their interactions. The property manager does appear like he's trying to help us because we're upset, but he has a coincidental incentive to help us. A shady man being helpful doesn't mean that he's not dirty!

Am I paranoid? Totally! But when someone presents ideas about their scams that have been heard by multiple parties, it's stupid to ignore me and blame me for the reason why he screwed everyone over is because he hates me when I'm the only one not getting screwed! Two guys who gave their money to live there have been referred to the police because they got scammed. Now all of a sudden, there's money for lucrative repairs and remodeling. I wonder where that money came from. And when known scam artists seem genuinely stressed it doesn't mean that they're genuinely stressed, ya stupid bitches! They're trained to freak out! You don't want to believe me? Fine. But don't disregard me because they're doing what con artists do best! So stupid! Especially when there are unanswered questions. Just ignore them. Maybe if you blind yourself, they'll go away!

Rock the Boat, Days 13 and 14

It seems like whenever I involve myself in a situation I shouldn't be in for whatever reason, the universe works towards sabotaging or compromising that environment. I moved into a place that wasn't properly managed, and there was black mold growng inside the bathroom. While I could've gotten the property manager in trouble, it would've left me homeless because I didn't have anywhere else to go. I continued to live in a place that was a health hazardous. Since I clearly wasn't making wise choices, I was forced out of it due to a series of events.

I was detached from that situation, but the mistake I made was replacing that very similar situation somewhere else due to my financial limitations. I could've gotten a new job, but I didn't. I could've moved to a different state where rent is more affordable, but I didn't. I could've taken time off from school, so I could dedicate more time to make money and afford to live in a more professional and stable environment, but I didn't. These other choices are clearly extreme, so it's understandable that I didn't utilize those other possibilities. Regardless of why I didn't take another course of action, the bottom line is that the sacrifices I chose to not make had consequences.

So it yet again led me to more trouble. I found another place that was ridiculously affordable and poorly managed. It's not uncommon to live in a place where your name isn't on the lease. A lot of people do it and without much complications. I, however, am not one of those people. And I always knew that. I wish I were, but I'm not. It's time I accept my fate, even if means embracing my cynicism because it keeps me safe.

I've been illegally threatened to get kicked out, so I had leverage. But who wants to be in that situation in the first place? The representative of the property manager has authority he doesn't understand with a nasty attitude. He's unprofessional to an extreme degree. He threw a glass in my direction. The property manager is also shady. The type of man who would appoint someone so stupid to represent him is twisted, too. The property manager refused to give the representative his security deposit back, which was unfair and unreasonable given the circumstance.

What was also unfair and unreasonable is that the representative retaliated by collecting everyone's rent that accumulated to the cost of the security deposit the property manager refused to refund him for and took off with our money. The representative is an asshole, and I'm by no means defending him. Without the exception of me, everyone else genuinely cared for this guy who's repeatedly been out of line. Regardless of the care people provided with him, though, it's not okay to do stuff like that. I'm livid that it happened because it now jeopardizes everyone else's rental situation.

With the representative gone, the lease can be modified. The rent will increase. Utilities will no longer be included in the rent. I could barely afford this dump in the first place. Now I really can't afford to be here. But where can I go? So I'm stuck listening to the property manager lie through his teeth giving a different version of the story to different units. No one else is witnessing it but me which is advantageous for him because I come off hostile and intolerant. He knows what he's doing to me. I know what he's staging. But everyone else just looks at me with disgust.

I've been staying here for school because I'm desperate to get my 2 year degree, not even because I feel that it's beneficial but because I superficially want there to be evidence that I worked towards something and here's the proof. The unfortunate truth, though, is that I can't go to school and work at the same time. I'm just not one of those people. I wish I were, but I'm not. I'm unwilling to sacrifice school. I'm even unwilling to transfer to another school. I'm adamant that I get my credentials from PCC. That's really what's holding me back, my stubbornness.

That's why I've been here for so long because of where the school is located. I was ready to move back to my hometown or move to the East coast a long time ago, but I'm blindly following my stubbornness. When enough things keep falling through as a way to make my current situation more and more impossible, it's time to adapt. But I'm not ready. I don't want to.

I've lost interest in school. I don't even like it. It's evident in my grades and my efforts. Yet I stay. I live in a crap place, so I can afford to go to school while I work. I hate where I live, but I tolerated it because of what it offered me, and now it's gone. For so long, I should've left long ago and never even wanted to be here. But now I finally found a reason to want to stay.

I was never the girl who followed her heart and made vital life decisions because of a man. I was independent and I stood alone. I was detached and one-dimensional. Then one day I met a guy, and I had no idea how much he would change me. I opened up my heart and discovered another dimension to the world I never knew existed before. I was scared and I let everything fall apart.

I was given a second chance that I so desperately wanted only for it to be stripped away from me. I couldn't possibly imagine why something like that would happen until I met someone else. If things didn't end the way they did, things wouldn't have developed the way it did with someone else. Was I hurt by the other guy? Absolutely. What is worth it, just to have this new opportunity present itself? Yes. I never wanted to get hurt like that, but if that's what I had to go through to meet him, I'd experience it again in a heartbeat.

I have this tendency to get myself involved in something I want to be a part of but shouldn't be. It's one thing when I jeopardize myself, but it's another thing when other people are involved. I want to be with him almost more than anything, but most of all I want him to be happy. He can't be happy the way he deserves to be if he's with me.

For whatever reason he's not seeing that, but I can. The kind of relationship that I want and thrive in burdens him. I like having long winded conversations. Not many guys do, so I'm really selective about who I go out with. I jumped into this relationship too quickly. We really like each other. That much is evident to everyone and anyone, but sometimes it's not enough. That's insight I didn't have a chance to discover because we moved so quickly. We live in the same complex.

If I got to know him better, I would've really liked him even more than I already do. But I would've never gotten together with him becase I would know what a burden and how problematic our relationship would be, and I don't want that for him. That's why I broke up with him. There's so much I want to address and not enough time for the way he lives his life. Before I can even get it out of my system, more stuff accumulates. Unspoken tension arises and multiples faster than it gets addressed.

What's even more damaging is that he was willing to listen to me at his expense. I don't want to be the reason why areas of his life is jeopardized. And I can't be trusted to not make those mistakes. I don't want to be the reason why he's held back, and I am. He's an interactive communicator, and that's where he thrives. I'm a conversationalist in the philosophical way. I'm unable to adapt to his method. When he adapts to my method, I feel like I'm stunting his intellectual capacity and growth. He's a deep person, and that side of him gets suppressed as he communicates with me.

I'm tired of unsuccessfully conveying my point and putting my effort into not gaining what I want. All the while I'm wasting his time and draining his energy. I keep him away from what he wants to do and has to do. When I broke up with him, he wanted to talk about it before I make any decisions. But I've been trying to express myself with utter failure. What's the point of telling him that I'm tired of not being able to explain myself when I can't even successfully explain that? And that doesn't even cover details of certain things I want to address, which have accumulated greatly.

He doesn't have time to be in a relationship with me. I don't want to put the efforts to explain myself if I can't be heard uninterrupted because I'm extremely sensitive to losing my train of thought. He's so susceptible to interrupting me, and it's not because he's out of line. I'm so that extreme. I don't want to put myself in a situation where I get mad at him and I don't want him to have to feel my wrath. And for what? To tell him one last time why this relationship is toxic for him? Why put him through that? Maybe he's hurting because we aren't together, but at least this way I saved him the trouble of the painful details behind it. Being hurt by the breakup is an inevitable side effect, but this is one thing I can protect him from.

What's crazy is that I believe I could fall in love with this guy. It's best that I don't because if it went that far, he'd probably be right there with me. So he'd stick around for the pain that came with it. It may have been something he'd be willing to endure, but it's not something he should have to. He's going to find someone else. I know it.

If we stayed together, we could've been really happy. There's pain that exists in every relationship. But I know that with someone else he can experience even more happiness because there would be less pain. I want to be with him, but I want more for him than what I can offer him. I care about him more than he realizes. He's looking for marriage. He wants kids. He wants to thrive. I'm not looking to get married any time soon. I don't even want kids. And I want him to feel comfortable in his own skin. Someone else can offer him that better than I can.


He told me one day that I would make a good wife one day and surprised me by saying some amazing things about me. I thought he saw me as a selfish person, so I never knew he thought so highly of me. He said that's because I take up people's time, and I can't just take up two hours of a person's time. It's fucked up. Maybe it is. If so, I'm fucked up. If we talked before I made any decision about our breakup, I would've been fucked up and that's time he would never get back.

So now I know I made the right decision. I've considered long and hard about the idea of moving back up North. My friend told me about one-bedroom apartments in Berkeley for only $500!!! This is around the same time a friend facebooked me about moving to Berkeley. I never considered it, but it's closeby enough to San Francisco and reasonably commutable. I have employment connections in San Francisco, but the rent is outrageous. Berkeley would be an excellent solution. And if I live near campus, it'll make things even more convenient.

The idea of not being able to see him, hang out with him, and talk to him kills me. I spent the better half of the night crying at the edge of his bed while he and another friend of ours played video games. He thought I spilled water and I was getting sick because of my runny nose. My roommate's been sick, and his immune system has been compromised, too.

I am hurt that he didn't know I was crying because of him, but I'm glad that for once he wasn't bothered by my sensitivity. It seems like the most logical choice that exists. Staying here is a strain. And why should I stay for a guy I broke up with? I don't want to move, but something tells me that it'll help him more than I fully realize at this very moment. Don't I want that for him? Am I excited about the idea of distancing myself from a guy I think I could fall in love with, so he can find someone else? Of course not. But it's time I stop being selfish for a change.

Wha scares me the most now is that my feelings for him will deepen. Like I said if we stayed just friends, I would've fallen really hard for him because I would feel "safe." He makes me feel safe. That's what scared me when we were together. I've been socially-conditioned to believe that most guys are afraid of emotions, feelings, and love. He's not one of those guys. You can be completely open with him, and he won't run away from you. By not having that fear, I had no reason to restrain or hide myself from my own feelings. I felt what I felt without limitations. Who knew how powerful that could be?

I was scared, though. So I hid from my own feelings. If we aren't together, though, or we never got together, I wouldn't be afraid that he'll pick up on my feelings for him. So I would be more honest with myself. A friend of mine once told me about a friend of his who fell in love with him. He's also really caring and you don't have to be afraid about how you feel around him. He won't treat you any differently or make you feel ashamed, but the feelings weren't mutual. I couldn't imagine anyone falling in love with someone they weren't with. It made no sense to me. I'm afraid it will.