High School Gossip, Day 61

I feel like this blog allows me to view the world differently. I appreciate each and every experience more because I've discovered the value and meaning in even the smallest of experiences. Now I see the world as vastly educational, both intellectually and emotionally. It makes it difficult for me to narrow down what to write about. That, inadvertently, discourages me from writing because it requires brainstorming and further calculations. My life is so busy that I don't want to be consumed with time I don't have.

High School Gossip: I was definitely a part of the high school gossip world. I tried to not indulge in it. Frankly, the happenings of strangers never really appealed to me. But I was certainly the talk of high school as one of my friends put it. I never wanted to be a part of that emotional roller coaster, but I was. I'm realizing now that it would've been beneficial for me to have absorbed a little bit of that. Everyone thinks that they leave high school behind once you leave. But reality is that the world is organized high school. Everyone's out to crush everyone. You have a handful of friends who you can trust. The world doesn't revolve around you. Everything's intense or dead. You never truly know a person until you discover who you are. I would handle life a lot better if I had paid attention more in high school because even if I didn't respect that world, there's a learning experience in everything. If only I had put my thinking cap on then.

A Day of Errands, Day 60

Today is going to be filled with errands. I rarely am able to accomplish all of the errands I'd like to complete, but this is the goal for the day:

1) Stop by the doctor's office to get allergy meds

2) Stop by the Galleria to look for a card at Sweet Factory and see if the Target there has the Brita filtration pitcher I seek.

3) Go to Big 5 and get a water bottle there.

4) Go to the Central Library and borrow the poetry book I need.

5) Send emails.

6) Do laundry in washer.

7) Hand wash delicates.

8) Record Daily Log entries

9) Stop by the farmer's market to pick up strawberries.

10) Start on critiquing like 30 poems!

11) Start watching two documentary videos for chem class.

12) Close my citibank account.

The amount of errands to run actually isn't that bad, and I really should be able to achieve these goals especially since some of these goals can be done late into the evening. But as I re-read my list, I'm starting to re-consider my trip to the Culver City farmer's market. Hmmmm......

Why I've Been MIA, Day 59

I've been thinking about this title a lot lately but for an entry different entry that I keep replaying in my mind. I need to stop reserving things for possibilities that may never come to light. I've been MIA for a while, not because I've been super busy. I've actually just been unmotivated to write. I'm no longer worried about not having something interesting to say; I just don't have the desire for whatever reason.

Lately when I do blog, it feels like doom and gloom. I don't want that. But if that's how I feel, then I need to embrace that. I didn't create this blog to the approval of others. I did to expose myself. The only way I'm going to overcome my fear of openness is to overcome it. I'm tired of being just logical and one-dimensional. If I only put down words that are touching or positive, that's not real. Even if I have nothing extraordinary to say, I have to keep the practice going.

I thought it would be so difficult to maintain a blog. It's not. But it's even easier to not do that. I was so worried about what would happen if I didn't tend to it regularly and what a disappointment I'd feel I was. I don't feel that way. I can blog when I'm miserable. I can blog when things are going great. It's when things are mundane that I lose my motivation. There's always going to be a reason to slip away and drift off. I want to be floatless and let the wind take me but only when I'm willing and when I'm ready.

Puzzle Pieces, Day 58

A piece of the reality puzzle was revealed to me today only to discover that the partial picture it completed exists merely to vividly show me that it's meant to baffle me. WTF! Like I don't have enough crap going on in my life! I keep having premonitions about one of my friends. It's distracting for me and I feel invasive. I don't want to see these things, but I do. I can't help it. And I don't know what to make of it.

I snapped and had a breaking point where I revealed more than what I feel is appropriate. I think I just felt like getting things off of my chest and deep down, I know I can trust him. That's so unlike me is what I keep telling myself. But when you wear a mask long enough, it becomes you. I also shared with him a premonition about him and a girl that he can have a romantic encounter with. Well, one of them anyways. I feel like I spill of premonitions around him or about him.

I used to get a lot of triggers (activated premonitions usually based on proximity) when I was around him, but now I find that I get premonitions even when I'm not around him, lately more. I think the entire world knows that I like him, probably not, but still. He knows I like him. For half a second, I thought it might be mutual. Maybe it was, but was is in the past, assuming that WAS the case. I'm not even sure. My friend thinks that I need to find out. I think he's right, but I'm too chicken to ask him.

There's no right answer. He responded to my email sharing that he does know a girl by that name and other details. He said that their relationship hasn't crossed over from a simple friendship, though he would be interested. Not something I wanted to hear but okay. My friend wanted to know if I asked him, "And what about me?" No, I didn't ask him. Why would I? Do I even really want to know now? I asked my friend if he understood where I was coming from, and he said that he felt for me but that that isn't enough for me because he knows me. I worry that he's right. But I know him (the one I like). He would probably laugh nervously and essentially confirm the I don't know limbo or say that he isn't interested. Neither answer is something I want to hear.

Besides, he's excited about this girl. I don't want to take that away from him. For so long this girl has been lingering in the back of his mind. The last thing I want to do is fuel is indecisiveness about girls by saying, "Hey, wanna know about the other premonitions I have of you? They involve us, and it's kinda hot and deep and intimate." No. Deep down, at the core of it all, I know the truth. I think he did like me at one point. Even if that's passed, it would be nice to be told clearly, so I'm not in conflict. I think I would have the balls to share with him those premonitions if I knew that he did like me at one point. I keep worrying what if the premonitions weren't real and just fictionalized, that there's no way that they could be real in any reality because he would never in a million years ever be remotely interested. Even if that were true, he would never put me through that. He's too kind, caring, and sensitive. Still.....

I can only deal with so much. Premonition 1: We get together. We sleep together a couple times. I specifically remember that. It's like premonition porno. I'm such a creeper! LOL! He got skills, I gotta say! Too much info, right? How do you think I feel? But then I have what I can only describe as a relapse and my feelings for my ex surface. I realize that I'm not over him, and he senses this. Things end because he's not down for that. It's self-sabotaging because in the future I'll need him. He'll be the only person in my life who can be there for me and help me the way he's supposed to. And I'll know it. Premonition 2: I wait until I get over my ex, but I take too long. He finds someone else, and he's happy with her. She's nice. And she's pretty. They're good for each other. We stay friends. We become good friends but not close friends. I clearly remember that distinction being "expressed", which is weird because I didn't fully understand it. When I need him, he'll be there for me. (Later on it's like I get sucked back into that premonition and it travels to a later time where he comes and picks me up from the Gold Line in Chinatown because I need him. I'm on the ground crying, and you give me a hug and comfort me. It wasn't romantic. You were just being the good friend you are. The interesting part about that is now that I've had that premonition, I feel like my feelings for him will grow. Even if I like him, if he's with someone, I won't cross that line. Neither will he. It's sad, though. So close but not close enough). Premonition 3: I wait until I get over my ex, and I do it in time. Then we get together. Things work out, but I don't mean in the sense that we'll be married, have kids, a dog, and a white picket fence. Things work out, though. We're happy. We stay good friends. He's there for me when I need him.

That's a lot, right? How do you think I felt experiencing this? It's so much. It's so intense. I felt everything and everyone. Each reality felt just as real as the others except the real-ness was only so strong. I considered the possibility that maybe I'm nuts. After all, I have a wild imagination. I'm a detailed and vivid person. I have an escapist's mentality. Thoughts change reality. I'm very connected to my thoughts. If anyone can manifest anything and convince someone of it's realness, it's me. Just as I was about to indulge in that fallacy and embrace comfort in something sick (elaborate story lines to help me cope with reality), a good friend and ex of mine called me to reassure me that I wasn't delusional. He saw the same premonitions in me. I kept quiet, as I didn't want to influence him.

Nothing like your ex to reassure you that your premonitions which includes porno is real. When I was talking to him, I got a better sense of this girl that my friend could have a romantic encounter with. I know the spelling of her name. Recently since I've started texting my friend, I discovered that I'm able to sense things from him and get premonitions. One day I was in an altered state after I texted him, but I didn't correlate the two at first. If I did, I would've hesitated to go further into it. The girl's name came to me before I realized who this was in relation to. A while ago, the possibility of a blossoming relationship seemed more likely. Recently, I've felt otherwise.

What's interesting is that after I felt that their relationship was likely to develop was also around the same time that I got another premonition, a trigger, about him and I. I was watching the movie, Orphan, when I got it. The girl met her new family for the first time and zoom! I saw us together,and he asked me when he was going to meet my family. I was flattered, flustered, surprised, and unsurprised all at once. My mind was racing, and I had a gazillion thoughts I wanted answered including his family. But at the moment, I was just appreciating knowing how he feels about our relationship and where it's going. I smiled at him, and I told him that I wanted to say a million things but that I just wanted to enjoy the moment. A long, amazing kiss evolved into something more.......intimate. One thing led to another....You get the idea. As we were laying in bed, happy, I told him, "That was a really good moment." He laughed.

God, I can still feel that. It was a pretty powerful experience. I thought the triple effect was intense, and it was because it certainly wasn't my first one. But it was the first collected, orderly one I experienced. And I had a friend buffer it for me. Just as I was trying to deal with the fact that I'm bombarded with feelings that haven't even developed yet, feelings that may never develop from premonitions, while I simultaneously try to handle the possibility that he may find interest in another is an overwhelming, burdening roller coaster of a ride! It just showed me how nothing is defined or set in stone. When it's likely that he'll be with someone else is when I get another trigger about us! And think about how inappropriate that was! To be horny and have such thoughts while watching a movie with a friend! Awkward!

It's a lot to handle for anyone. And I've been emotionally-disconnected for so long. I wasn't built to handle emotions. No, that's incorrect. I was built to experience immense emotions of various intensities. But I've been fighting that for so long. Now with everything rushing in, everything's new and intense, not just because it is but because it's all new to me! All of it! I didn't actually FEEL trust for a person until this year! I was 25 when that happened. This is a lot to take in, and eventually I couldn't take it. I splurged more than I feel I should have including the premonition about him and this other girl.

I was surprised by how well I handled this news, his feelings for this girl. I thought I would be disappointed and sad, but I assumed the "friend" role. I separated myself from it and helped him through this. It made me feel like I can do this because my feelings for him aren't as strong as I once believed it to be. Strong isn't the right word. Attached? I don't know. But when I have premonitions, I take those feelings back home here. So they affect how I see a person because those feelings become a part of me. Since I'm so connected to him, they feel so real. I know that a generous amount of what I feel for him is from the future that may or may not come to pass. So I just assumed that I'm not too affected by it because I'm not too invested in these floating emotions. But then I realized that this is exactly how I felt about the last guy and was convinced that I can manage until I saw him. With experience comes wisdom....

Things Are Going Well, Day 57

I have a new roommate, and we've bonded. It's cool. I don't mind being guarded, but it does feel more natural this way except it doesn't feel like it's going to collapse any time soon. I feel like I have a community in my home. It's kind of nice. The heat was killer today. I don't have too much to report.

Shattered Glass in my Dream, Day 56

I recently had a dream, and it was really interesting. I just told a friend the night before that I barely remember my dreams nowadays. I used to remember them so vividly and so many of them that people were skeptical about my honesty. Although I know I still dream, I don't recall them since I haven't experienced an adequate amount of sleep. I went to bed at around 6 am that day and barely slept, but I did rest enough to reach REM (restless eye movement, also known as the dream state).

It was a rather brief and metaphorically direct dream. My dreams are usually painfully obscure and uselessly profound because of the way the message was "delivered." This one was clear, though. I dreamt that I woke up on my right side and found one of my glass bottles broken in bed. I was very aware of which bottle it was and everything. It felt like what that bottle symbolized and my association to it was significant somehow, not just the message it was trying to send.

It's this dark blue (cobalt) glass spray bottle. It's 2.0 ounces. At the risk of sounding like an advertisement, the brand is "Shilokah Essentials". This one is a Rosemary Lavender Spray. It's a great brand, organic, pure, and healthy. The man who makes it, Jonathan Shilokah, literally makes his own essential oils and has fields that produce these ingredients. It's an amazing line, truly!

I got this to treat these gnarly bug bites I got on my leg. Some people thought I got burned. Other people thought I got beaten with a belt. They were actually rashes from an insect. They were producing a lot of heat and was crazy itchy. He sprayed some peppermint oil on it to neutralize the pain but recommended the Rosemary Lavender for me. The peppermint oil spray would've been $50, but the one he recommended me was $10. And a little bit goes a long way! Within a day, the bites looked smaller as though the pus was draining or dehydrating. By the second day the pinkness completely disappeared and looked slightly darker than my skin tone. By the third day, there was nothing there! This isn't psychological. This is real! It's amazing!

This product is truly treasured. And in my dream, the bottle that holds this jewel is shattered. I remember the imagery perfectly as though it were real. The only reason why I know it was a dream is because my senses were numb. I didn't feel the glass. I didn't feel the broken shards. I wasn't devastated by a clearly tragic circumstance. I woke up being completely aware of what bottle broke. My mind was focused on that specific bottle and what it contained more than the broken pieces.

When I went to www.dreammoods.com, it revealed completely viable interpretations. *To dream of broken glass signifies change in your life. Alternatively, it could be symbolic of an aspect of your life that is in pieces. You will find that a situation will come to an abrupt and untimely end.* All of that seems very possible, likely, and even real. I can feel and see myself changing. That's not even in question. In some ways these changes make me feel like I'm falling apart. What worries me is the last interpretation. "You will find that a situation will come to an abrupt and untimely end." When I read that sentence, a thought came to mind. I hope it's not what I fear.

I have a friend who I keep having premonitions about. My premonitions are so diverse that no one has to convince me they're nothing more than possibilities. What strikes me is that in spite of how varied these premonitions are the one common denominator is that we're good friends. In some realities, we're more than that. But all that I can ask is to be good friends. It's important that I make that premonition real. The first thought I had was what if our friendship comes to an abrupt end?

My entire life, long before I became aware of my premonitions, I sabotaged so much. Premonitions just speeds up or sabotages any happiness I see in the future. This time I want it to be different. What I lost still burns me. I don't want to experience that again. Besides I know that he's going to change me some how, some way. I want to live it out to see exactly what it is. But I feel like I emphasize so much on the impact he can have on me that I forget about what impact I can have on him. Whatever it is, I hope it's positive. Considering the conversation I was having with my friend the night before I had the dream, it's plausible that my fears are valid. But nothing is set in stone.

In the dream I saw myself in my own bed. There are many interpretations, but only a few were relevant to me. There's one I worry is very much relevant to me. "If the bed is unmade, then it indicates that certain secrets will soon be exposed or revealed." I can see how if something is revealed that it could end our friendship, although I hope not. At the very end, any development of anything would probably seize to exist. There were other interpretations that technically apply within the contents of my dream, but I honestly feel that it's not what it symbolizes. I'll include it, though. "To see your bed in your dream represents intimate self and discovery of your sexuality. If you are sleeping in your own bed, then it denotes security and restoration of your mind." Come to think of it, I was confused and bewildered, whatever that means.

My comforter in my duvet cover was a part of my dream, but I'm going to label that as blanket for the dream dictionary. Here's what it says: "To see a blanket in your dream symbolizes warmth, love, security, and protection. You may be seeking for some form of shelter from the outside world. Consider also how your dream may be calling attention to a "cover-up" in some situation or circumstance in your waking life." It's interesting how these interpretations correlate to the broken glass. All of those things speak to me.

My friend was actually saying that he rarely remembers his dreams. But when he does, they're symbolic and important. This is the first time I've remembered my dream in a long time, and I feel like it's trying to send me a message. I hope things work out. Only time will tell.

Feels Like She's Playing Catch Up, Day 55

I feel like I'm playing catchup. I have so much I want to blog about - "The Project", The Earth Element, My Dream, and these amazing kids! Part of me wants to quickly discuss these kids, but I don't think I'd do them justice by summarizing them. They deserve my full attention and will receive it. Instead of going in order, I'll take the time to talk about The Kindness of Strangers the first chance I get to blog.