A Lost Realization, Day 12

Today as I was walking alone with my thoughts I had a realization that I felt would be appropriate to blog, but I have no idea what it was anymore. I woke up late and forgot to provide my rent checks for the food bank. I was asked to return tomorrow with those documentations, at which point I can receive food. I also have an appointment with an employment agency I already belong to. I've been told that I'm a good candidate, but my schedule was limited at the time. Hopefully something stable and financially reasonable will come up. All I really need is a chance to prove myself. I have not only the experience but the ability to work in an office position, but either I'm passed up for positions I can fulfill or am offered positions I know I'm not qualified for. The next thing I know I get fired for not knowing what I specified I didn't know! I'm looking for change in the financial aspect.

Some time alone has silenced some thoughts that have been burdening me, but I'm still unsure what the right decision is or even if there is a right decision. It's nice to not be stressed, though. But I miss what I once had and may still have. Who knows? Even if you really want something if you can barely express that or you find yourself caught in a web of more problems before you have an opportunity to even address the original problems, how can resolutions be found? I don't want to be trapped in a cycle of unresolved issues.

Two Opposing Forces, Days 10 and 11

A lot's happened in the past couple of days. Yesterday I experienced a heightened state of awareness that I used to refer to as an altered state of mind. It only came on when I deliberately try to tap into my intuition or as I was getting a premonition. Sometimes my mind goes into that state as a form of preparation, too. But never has it manifested as a result of an epiphany over a relationship.

It opened my eyes to things. It was remarkable. But there are drawbacks to being in a heightened state of awareness. Everything is amplified. It's great if I'm 95% happy, and it feels like 200%. But I could be content with 95%. I didn't ask for the extra boost or the crappy price that comes with it. If I feel like shit, that gets amplified, too.

And I pick up on the feelings of others, too. That's the worst part. I don't want to know how you feel unless you tell me. Even then sometimes I wish people would keep it to themselves. It's confusing, complicated, disruptive, damaging, and strenuous.

I had my first panic of this year. Mark it on the calendar people. January 11. That's just fucking great. I didn't ask for any of this or the other crap that came with it. I feel like I'm being punished for being able to feel more than others. Take it away!

My Life is Like an Overflooding Toilet, Day 9

Today I woke up to an unpleasant experience of my toilet vomiting at me. As I flushed, I glanced over and noticed that there was no water and a lot of toilet paper. But by then I had already flushed and the next thing you know, it completely overflooded like a freaking river! It was awful! I don't normally look when I flush and I noticed that there was no water, but I didn't anticipate such a gushy consequence. I don't know much about toilet maintenance. I know how to use a plunger, but I would've still flushed so there was water to work with. I guess it was inevitable for me to experience that today.

My good-natured but ditsy as Hell roommate panicked about my property manager's name. I spent more time than I would've preferred to explain that his name started with the letter E, although it's quite possible that she had spelled it with an A because that's how she believed it was spelled. She kept insisting that his name starts with A, but she resisted in checking under A because I said it's spelled with an E. Then her slutty nature proved to be inconvenient as she wasn't sure which Edmin she should call. How ironic that her slutty nature was such an interference.

When our racist, sexist, demeaning, condescending, arrogant but albeit responsive property manager showed up, he wouldn't accept that it just over flooded. He went on to tell us that we can open up to him and admit what we threw in there because he's heard it all including an orange, perfume bottles, and even lingerie. WTF? The three of us girls were giggling and condescending joking that it was an orange. I mentioned that if it was a tangerine, it's definitely my fault.

A man who won't listen even though he's dying for us to tell him something isn't going to be receptive to the reality that it just over flooded. It happens. After taking the condescending approach unsuccessfully, he regrouped and reassured my ditsy roommate that he wasn't blaming anyone and compared his philosophy to how important it is to know the root cause similarly to how doctors have to know in order to figure out the best treatment. The plumber was trying to explain that nothing was dropped in; things like this just happen. But the property manager ignored the expert's opinion and retorted to let him talk. The plumber argues back that my ditsy roommate doesn't even know what he's talking about. She understandably took offense to it because it's obvious that English is her second language. I don't think he meant to be insulting. I think he was trying to express that we don't know enough about toilets to properly explain what happened. It was just an interesting experience as three people communicated with difficulties, while my other roommate and I were making dirty jokes.

As I was cleaning the over flooded toilet, it made me think of my own life. My life is like an over flooding toilet, clogged and overspilling with crap that's just all over the place, messy, not in its own place, and just spread around where it's not wanted, unconfined but also trapped. I obviously don't want to be in that situation, but I feel helpless and cleaning up after it is an unfavorable chore. Even after wiping and drying, my efforts appear unnoticed. I'm stuck there, and it consumes so much of my time and energy. I'd rather be somewhere else, doing something else.

Lost, Confused and in Pain, Day 8

I'm tired of restraining myself on this blog out of fear. The whole reason why I created this blog is to face my fears. As a writer, I can't be afraid to write the truth out of fear. I don't have that luxury. That's where the richness lies in a story, the most untold raw truth most people would rather hide from. It's time I stop fighting who I am, or I'll stay in this rut forever.

I'm financially devastated and crushed because I chose a job that I believed in only to be reminded of how powerful illusions are and how painfully deceitful "friendships" can be. I chose to stay silent about it for so long out of a false sense of obligation that I'm no longer a slave to. I shouldn't be afraid that the wrong or, more accurately, the right person will read these words. After all, he knows all of his dark secrets better than I ever could. Deep down he has to know how twisted he is. And if he doesn't, well that's no longer a problem I'm going to burden myself with.

All I know is that there's no good reason to stay silent about how incredibly unhappy I am about where I am and the position he deceived me into. A man who manipulates as a way to further his agenda doesn't deserve my discretion especially when a larger population is at stake due to his perversions and dishonesties. I can no longer afford to coward behind it all. The time to be afraid, ashamed, disgusted, confused, livid, disappointed, and disgraced is over.

I'm disappointed in myself for being a part of it. I'm saddened by what I discovered. I wish reality was the illusion presented to me. My guilt has kept me silent for so long, but it's also poisoned me. Now it's time to suck the poison out, so I can move forward with my life. Maybe then can I find some peace, happiness, and an absence of guilt.

Had I have made better objective decisions, even if that meant I chose to not be a part of a greater mission that turned out to be crap all along, I would've made a smarter and safer choice. My emotional awakening has opened my eyes to other dimensions in life outside of financial security and logical choices. Sometimes taking risks can reward you with something greater than any safe lifestyle can offer you. It was through that process I chose to be where I am today, and it was the wrong choice.

I'm not where I want to be. I missed opportunities that would've been better suited for me and my needs, instead of chasing a dream that was cloaking a dark nightmare all along. It's left me ashamed in myself because I used to be much better at decision making, and it's left me disappointed because of what I uncovered. Not to mention that the financial consequence is going to leave me devastated. I've practically been sent to collections. I have negative $. I can afford virtually nothing.

With the recession and the overwhelming job seekers and small pool of job availabilities, I'm lost and drifting. Since my emotional awakening, part of me wants to take advantage of this opportunity of freedom to discover what I truly want to do and be scrupulous in my decision making because I've always allowed necessity to sacrifice desire. It's left me disconnected and unsatisfied in life. But how am I supposed to sustain even the most basic of lifestyles if I can't even afford rent and use the Burger King bathroom because I can't afford toilet paper? Now I'm hurting because of the stupid decision I made. I can blame others for their dishonesty, but I involved myself in this even if it was under false pretenses.

Everything has a Domino effect. Because of the choice I made, I had to alter my lifestyle. I had to live within my means, which included my living situation. I opened myself up to a mess of drama and shady behavior because of the exchanges I made. When you skimp on quality, you run the risk of inviting something dark. That's what I did.

What I once thought was my glimmer of light is starting to show its own darkness and alter ego. My own darkness and insecurities compromise my perception, as I wonder how much of what I see is real and how much is imagined, a mistake I can't escape from ever since my emotional awakening. How can I expect to find financial security in a financially-depraved society that has nothing to offer but the same mess of drama I'm trying to escape?

The energy I give off is the energy I attract. I'm fearful of what I've involved myself in and don't want to put myself in a repeat situation but because of the mistake I put myself in I'm vulnerable to making the same mistake out of desperation. I'm seeking a new job and have been offered jobs that would offer me the same toxic environment I'm trying to escape. I don't want to return to that, but I have no choice as rent nears. So what am I supposed to do?

Time to Get Down to Business, Days 6 and 7

I don't know if it's the new year or just the stress finally starting to burden me because I was able to detach myself from it and get a clearer perspective, but I've been all about getting down to business today. I've been job hunting. I woke up to make food, which has been a rarity for me. Rice and simmered pork with potatoes and baby carrots. I also had apples with peanut butter and oranges. Yummy! I went to the doctor's office. I scheduled upcoming appointments. The kitchen is clean, and I feel invigorated.

I'm even inspired to make sandwiches. Slathering peanut butter and strawberry jam. Packaging them in zip lock baggies. Chicken patties with Ranch dressing. Ugh, I'm exhausted just typing it out. LOL! I used to make roast leg of lamb, make my own marinade and salad dressings, made elaborate salads, huge dinner spreads, and look at me now. Pathetic! But I'm making progress. I might even handwash laundry tonight. I know it sounds really lame that these things are noteworthy, but I've been really lazy lately. Tomorrow I have some productive things planned out, too. Wish me luck!

Food Banks are Awesome! Day 5

It's a new year. It's time for change. I made a mistake, and now I'm dealing with the consequences that follow. Money's devastatingly tight and, at times, painful. I make just enough $ for rent and debt. I no longer can afford to take the bus. I've been handwashing some of my clothes. I used to buy household and personal care products months ahead of time, so I had an extra season's worth of supplies. I was taking food from work, and that's how I've been keeping myself nourished. It shouldn't be like this.

I was hurting so bad that I was running out of basic hygiene products. As my supply was running low, a really good friend of mine arrived with a care package filled with Costco sized stuff like dried cranberries, apple juice, pineapple juice, top ramen, pop tarts, canned goods, beef jerky, shampoos, conditioners, body wash, etc! I'm so fortunate to have such amazing friends. Another close friend of mine transferred some $ into my account, too. My boyfriend's been doing a lot for me, too, and not just by feeding me (although we all know that's a community effort!)

They've all done so much for me. I may not like the situation I'm in, but all I can do is make the best of it. I'm not too proud, nor ashamed to accept free food when I need it. But I wasn't aware of the resources available to me. I strongly hate it when my friends give me money, though, because I feel that it isn't their responsibility to help me. I understand that I'd do the same for them, but it still bothers me. I used to believe that if I took advantage of these kind of services it would take away from other people who need the food more than me. I also felt like if I don't "need" it or have sustained myself without it that I must not need it. That's a major flaw in my logic that many people have diligently worked hard clarifying for me. Thank you for all your efforts!

It was brought to my attention that if the food isn't given away, it gets thrown out. So as my guilt subsided, I became curious and gradually interested in these offers. Today I went to a food bank and was surprised by how lenient, efficient, and generous this organization is. I got a cart full of food, and I'm allowed to return once a week. I was given three tokens I can use to take the bus, but even with transportation, I can't possibly carry everything back by myself. So I was permitted to take the cart with me if I return it, which I did.

I'm so grateful because the job market is so tight that I'm unlikely to find a good paying job that allows me to live in a place I'd like to be. I'm unable to save money and anything that doesn't go to rent inadequately feeds me. That's no way to survive. It's a way to survive but not by much. That's the kind of lifestyle that depresses people. I don't want to sustain that.

By taking advantage of the resources available to me, I can save some money. Hopefully I can pay off my debt. I can afford such luxuries like wanting to live on my own. All I can hope to do now is improve the situation I'm in now, and the food bank has offered me that. Here's some foods I can eat now.

1) Mac and cheese with tomato soup

2) Apples and butter

3) Chili and Potatoes

4) Pork and Rice

5) Snacks like yogurt and milk

6) So much bread!

7) Apple Pie

8) Cheese and Bread

9) Cereal and Milk

10)

A New Year or a Continuation? Days 1, 2, 3, and 4

Hello New Year! I decided to restart my 365-a-Day Project in the New Year because I made the mistake of not counting days that I didn't blog. I felt that I didn't deserve to count those days, but they're still a part of the year. So I feel I should include them. I want a fresh start.

I really wanted to write a check that says 1/1/10, but I didn't get a chance to. :( I've also been negligent about this blog, and I want to make an effort towards correcting that. Last year was my emotional awakening. I plan to explore it further. I, as always, have some New Year's Resolutions.

1) I want to find a new job that's financially secure and will offer me stability. Money is tight, so I can't afford to be picky. But if I'm going to seek another job, I don't want to switch to another place that offers me the same toxic environment I'm desperately trying to escape. That's self-defeating and a waste of energy. So I want to be conscientious of that as I look for new opportunities.

2) I want to better manage my OCD because my neuroses manifests in subtle ways that I can't always recognize. I do a much better job controlling it than others with OCD because I have a better awareness of it and am able to handle myself emotionally to minimize it, but sometimes I'm not aware of it. When that happens, other people suffer more than me. I don't want that for anyone.

3) A spiritualist told me that I should laugh, sing, and paint. I think these are great ideas that I want to incorporate.

4) Last year I had a New Year's Resolution to define my fashion sense, but all I did was explore my fashion sense. I didn't accomplish what I had specified, but I'm still proud of myself. After all, how can I define my style if I don't explore what my choices are? It's a necessary process.

I like jewelry you can find at flea markets. I like crystals and gemstones. It's convenient because it's affordable. There's a lot of clothes I stayed away from because it didn't offer me exactly what I wanted which means that I have to search harder. I'm not willing to put in that much energy, but I now have people in my life who are more than willing to help me and can virtually offer me a cheat sheet. Since I have a better idea of what I like, it also allows me to refine my search.

5) In life, there are givers and takers. If you're a giver, you'll have takers in your life. It's the balance of the universe. I'm a hybrid between a giver and a taker. I tend to be heavier on one side with some people than others, but it's important for me to find balance between them for my personal and emotional harmony, which, in turn, affect the people around me.

6) I want to clear my debt. For years I've been so good about maintaining good credit and then the economy dropped. -____-

7) I want to create a better financial diversification system. I'm ambitious about the things I want to do. Unfortunately they cost money such as crafts, creating my own skincare products, buying skincare products, etc. I'm better off buying things at snail slow speed that I can eventually use, rather than waiting until I can get everything at once. I need a better prioritizing system.

8) I want to continue writing but focus more on areas I keep putting off such as materials I'd like to publish. I have a project I've been hesitating on pursuing but feel that I should. There's a subject I want to collaborate on with a friend. There are two topics that are already established that I want to further develop.

9) I want to return to my healthier habits of eating and exercising. I want to stretch more and tone my abs.

10) I want to go to a sweat lodge.

11) I want to take more pictures. I have to find a case for my camera. I carry it everywhere, and I'm not the most careful person. Yet I never have a case for my camera. Epic fail!

12) I want to find cheap fun. Festivals, parades, conventions, cheap movies, etc. I'm interested in those things and do them, but I feel that I need to find more of them because I find myself at home when I have no money. I'm not down with that.

13) I want to return to my cleaner, neater, organized self. I miss her!

I'm sure there's more, but I'll leave it at that for now. I'll add more as they come along.

14) I made it a New Year's Resolution/gift/reward to get myself a pretty journal every year. The writer in me will greatly appreciate it. Plus it's helpful for me to carry around something I can write in and take notes for when I get a spark of writing genius or as a way to remember important details.