No Blog Tonight, Day 42

Not Alone, Day 41

The past few days have been emotionally-intense for me. I experienced moments of weakness. I felt burdened with the problems of others, while trying to keep myself from drowning in my own pain. Feeling helpless and being undernourished, I was shaking and crying for reasons not fully understandable. I think I was reacting to the fact that I feel like I have no control over my life.

My friends know that I'll be there for them, and that'll never change. But it's not my responsibility to play a therapist to strangers in an inappropriate situation that prevents me from doing what's necessary, only to be used and portrayed in a negative light that keeps me from doing my thing. It's not fair for me to take the blow for you and then get lashed out because you're inadequate and unable to maintain integrity, while compromising my own as a result. I want how people perceive me to be exactly how I carry myself or close to it. I don't want the actions of others, something I have no control over, polluting the opinion of others. This has been my burden to bear, and I'm tired of it.

I finally buckled under the pressure and broke down. I'm too busy trying to get shit done, catch up, and race against time that I'm unable to process what's going on and experience all that's happening. I had a good suffocating, painful, cathartic cry that released some of the burdens that weighed me down. I try so desperately to hang on, to keep from falling apart but nothing I do seems to work. I thought I got past it or at least moved forward. But as it turns out, I've just distracted myself from reality because I can't face how I really feel.

In the meantime, all of my other feelings and emotions keep deepening and developing because of all the other crap that goes on in my life. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. I'm being from all directions. I have no control over my own life. What I voice goes unheard. What I feel seems to have no place in this reality. The thoughts of others are invading my mind. Reality merges. I lose myself in the cloud of confusion. I feel weak and tired, trapped in a parallel to do wrong and leave everything behind. I'm no longer the hurricane, the force of nature, just a dead fighter tormented by incessant thoughts when I have the time to entertain them.

I have no time to focus on myself. When I do, I spiral out of control. But I realize now that I'm not alone. I'm not the only one suffering and in pain. It doesn't make me happy that others hurt, but it's comforting to know that I'm not alone. My ex looks ragged and damaged, something I feel awful about. But there's a twisted comfort in knowing that I affected him, that I meant that much to someone. Lately I've been feeling like I've been neglected and unconsidered by the people who matter to me the most. I was wrong.

I began this blog to help me become more connected with myself. But as a result, now I'm more connected with others. I want to connect more with all of the elements - air, earth, fire, and water. I'm beginning to connect with the people around me. It's not as singular as I once perceived it to be. It's universal, and everything is interconnected.

Releasing Emotional Toxins, Day "40"

Today I woke up feeling less burdened and freer from my thoughts that have been tormenting me, but I knew that how I reacted would eventually start to weigh on me, which it has. A series of events happened to me that made me feel like I was releasing emotional toxins. I was surrounded by external negativity, which I did my best to neutralize. I felt like I was breathing out negativity, so I felt clouded by it until the air cleared. I needed to go through that cleansing process. I experienced epiphanies throughout the day, but I don't even remember what they are now as my exhaustion takes over. With every breath I take, I try my best release the toxins that contaminated me. Yesterday my emotions took over me, and I was a hostage to the water element.

I haven't experienced anything like that since the breakup. I thought I made so much more progress in managing my emotions or tolerating my circumstances, and although I have, I realized that I still have the same challenges. I just choose to deal with them better. I'm hoping to reach a state where I won't just be tolerating it until I crumble, and I can manage it better because I realize how small it is in the grand scheme of things.

Moment of Weakness, Day "39"

I guess a relapse was inevitable. With everything weighing on me, it's no wonder that I snapped. The thing is that I could've contained it, but I didn't want to. That's new. It's the first time I let the moment of weakness take hostage of me, and it freed me. As awful as it is to embrace the pain, I can release it when I deal with it. I never knew that before. But what is it about experiencing a moment of weakness that makes everything rush back?

I have thought about my ex since our break-up and probably will continue to for a while for a thousand different reasons. He's the first guy I was with who I felt I could fall in love with. He's the first guy I opened up to, even if I didn't do it very well. He's the first guy I was vulnerable around. He's the guy I sabotaged out of my life. He's the guy who changed me, who changed my life. The lessons he tried to teach me are timeless and lessons that keep on giving. When I share them, I think of him. There's also a lot I'm still learning and understanding. Until I do, my thoughts are with him. Who knows? Maybe even long after. But today was the first time since I've started this blog that I've missed him and longed for him.

As I was crying and breaking down for reasons I don't fully understand, other than a weakened state and everything crashing down on me, I remembered feeling safe with him. In fact, he's the only person I ever felt safe with. I've been around my friends who love and care about me, so much so that I know they'd be willing to die for me. But never have I felt safe with them. It was only him. I wanted so much to feel safe. I was struggling with the vulnerability that my moment of weakness invited. I hated being vulnerable around him, but he made me feel safe. I wanted that feeling, to feel safe and to have a place where I feel I can be vulnerable even if I struggled with it. I don't know how to do this on my own.

Will I always think of him every time I face a moment of weakness until I learn how to become a stronger person? How long will that take? How much stronger can I possibly be? It takes so much strength to keep it together. Or will I just replace him with someone else? No, that could never happen. He'll never be replaceable. Besides, to be replaceable, a replacement would have to be around. There's no one there, not that I'm interested. Today is a pisces day for me. I'm thrashing in my watery state, feeling like I'm going to drown in my own emotions.

Through Growth Comes Change, Day 38

Isn't it interesting how sometimes losing someone or something and experiencing true pain is the only way to force ourselves to change? Why do we require such pain and self-sabotage to achieve greatness? My friend who inspired me to start this blog just had her two-month break-up anniversary. So much has happened to her - emotional transformation, her house was broken into, she had emotional relapses, moments of weakness, overcoming her fear and getting a tattoo, as well as dealing with the emotional repercussions of a traumatic haircut which makes me wonder if it made her feel like she lost a part of herself, re-entered the dating world, got a perspective makeover, returned to school to pursue her future career, and continues to inspire me through her strength and determination to find herself. That's a strong and courageous woman. I've always admired you, but I think now you're my hero because you've given me the power to do something amazing for myself. So I thank you.

I think it's interesting how you can never really know yourself the impact you have on others because I can imagine her reading this and being truly touched by it, but she'll probably be surprised by it, too. And I know that she'll never really know what she's done for me. The same holds true with my ex, too. He may act like an asshole now to deal with it all, but I've seen him for who he truly is. It would be easier if he was a jerk because then nothing we've shared and what he's opened up my eyes to can easily be interpreted as a fallacy. Then I wouldn't have had to undergo this most painful but meaningful emotional transformation.

I still continue to feel badly for how things turned out, how I hurt him, and I'm embarrassed for myself my fear to feel anything, but I also know that he came into my life to change me. That was his purpose, and it pains me. But it's also reality. All I can do now is to make sure that hurting him and myself wasn't an experience that'll go in vain. I see how he deals with it and how he consolidates his feelings. That's not something I want to do anymore. "The ability to enjoy life is worth the ability to feel loss."

I was talking to a friend when I shared with him that I didn't feel much until I was with this last guy because I was so emotionally-disconnected. When I was with him, I opened up, cried, and became vulnerable. When he left, I cried, really cried. I've cried in the past but not with much emotion. The last time I remember having that much feeling I was twelve. I'm twenty five years old. I went thirteen years being disconnected to basic human emotions. What's up with that? My friend made me realize that when he said, "So you went more than half your life not feeling until this guy came along." Wow. Talk about putting things into perspective.

A Change is Coming (Yesterday), Day "37"

As I was sitting in class I experienced a refreshing perspective, something I haven't felt in a long time especially inside of a classroom. But then again, it's been a long time since I've taken classes for myself. The energy and my professor's wisdom induced confidence in me. Frankly I appreciated her perspective more than the contents of the class.

It's a chemistry class that was created specifically for non-science majors, making it more receptive to a candidate like myself. That brief moment was life-changing. I was sitting in a classroom that was designed for me, and I felt like a foreigner. The challenge of simplicity still burns in me. Maybe I fear that if I can find solutions with ease, my mind will be clear and run the risk of dealing with emotions that I'm afraid to face. So long as I over-complicate everything, my mind is only able to focus on the task at hand. I carry that heavy thought process into every aspect of my life making it virtually impossible to deal with anything raw, real, or painful. But in order to pass this class and to be the emotionally-healthy person that I want to become, I have to invite simplicity into my life and embrace it.

I believe that the classes I've selected will encourage a change in me, deeper within myself than I could've ever imagined. My performance in the class won't be based on the quality of work I submit but the essence of humanity I manifest and apply into the work that I do. I have to be clear of mind to do well in this chemistry class. I have to harness my emotions and past experiences as a way to help myself so that I can evolve as a writer to do well in my poetry and creative non-fiction writing classes.

The day's theme felt centered on change to promote growth. I helped a friend clean his room out, and I learned more about myself through his insights about something seemingly unrelated to me. It dawned on me that I don't like to deal and face my own emotions, which is why I help others with theirs. It's a distraction from my own sickness. My desire to help others as genuine as it is has a deeply rooted selfishness to it. I want to correct that for everyone. I don't want to fear the thoughts in my own head or be too afraid to experience how I feel and clutch onto the problems of others to perpetuate the cycle. I welcome this change.

So Sleepy But I'll Make Up for It, Day 37

I'm too sleepy to blog tonight, but I promise to write an entry tomorrow for today in addition to tomorrow's scheduled entry.