Friday, March 26, 2010

Writing is a Fantasy World, Day 86

I'm a communicator. To get to know me, you have to read what I write and listen to what I have to say. Even then, you won't know me any better than I know myself. There's so much to discover, too much to explore, and not enough time in the world. There's a dark side of me that I try and conceal to the outside world.

Sometimes I'm not sure if it's deliberate or if most people are blinded by it because those who are as corrupt as me recognize how I am. Few people can see, sense, or even guess the pain I carry with me. It's too much to bare at times, and that's why I've learned to become detached. It's unhealthy, but it allows me to tolerate and endure circumstances that are otherwise too much.

When a person learns to disconnect themselves from an emotional power source, they usually develop an addictive personality (some way to replace or distract their thoughts from what they're trying to focus away from) and some other outlet. Mine is writing. I used to write thoughts I couldn't vocalize when I didn't have an audience or I went ignored. As frustrating and as hurtful as it was when I was ignored, I'd treat myself with the same form of punishment when I couldn't deal. I'd channel writing as a way to ignore myself. I'd write about anything to keep me busy. Now I'm much older and I realize the value in accepting my feelings and the dangers of rejecting them. So I use writing as a way to carefully reconnect with things I shouldn't have gone without.

This blog was born through my pain. When I could no longer deny them, I turn to the only constant in my life, writing. For the first time I used writing to demonstrate my strengths and my weaknesses. I focus so much on my life and my experiences lately, carrying the perspective of the writer, that I began to forget why readers enjoy reading so much. Writing is also a fantasy world.

I rarely get writer's block. But my mind is cluttered with an excess of thought. Sometimes selecting the right material is the most difficult for me. I find myself writing things that I feel are inadequate. And since I've been writing about my life, I relate that inadequacy to the quality of my life. That's dangerously unhealthy.

Writing is a way for me to reach the truth. It's my way of exploring the depths of my soul. That's a journey that'll never end and one I'll never stop pursuing. But every now and again, a girl needs a break. That's when I have to remind myself that writing is a fantasy world. I don't have to be stuck within the confines of tangible ideas. I can break beyond that.

I have to remember why I wanted to become a writer. Writing is a way to express myself the way I do when I talk, but I have an opportunity to think about the message I deliver, to reflect upon it carefully. It's also a much more powerful way to vocalize your concerns. There's something about writing that allows us to capture an audience's attention in a full-hearted way that speeches sometimes fall short of. Writing is a fantasy world.

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