Thursday, March 25, 2010

To Be Emotional is to be Human, Days 83, 84, and 85

A couple days ago I was thinking about how I'd like to begin my blog entry and this sentence came to mind. "I'm trying to really hard to be okay with this because what else can I really do?" With an introduction like that the entry has to carry a powerful and moving tone, but that's as far as I could delve into. When I'm not self-conscious, overly critical, or feeling guilty about appreciating my skills, I can embrace my writing talent. A lot of people have complimented me on my writing ability, but recently I've discovered that in order to truly evolve as a writer, I have to be more human; I have to feel. That's something I rarely practice. That sounds unnatural, I know. And I'm working on it. But obviously there's some kinks to work out because I don't know how to feel without my reflex neutralizing it.

My feelings are trapped within the confines of what I disturbingly and wrongly believe as a "safe place to be". As the feelings decay and the toxic "sanctuary" pollutes my soul, my mind escapes me. My feelings become lost within me. Days pass me and although I never quite deal with them, I carry the burden of those pains with me. Will they eventually decompose and be turned into compost, so to speak, that my body can use to flourish or will it just eat away at my flesh?

"Each day I try to discover who I am and as time passes, I feel like I lose a little bit of myself." I once wrote that in my facebook profile to describe me. I don't always feel that way, but what's scary is that I have felt that way and I will feel that way again. I don't want to become just another forgotten face, a glimpse in the shadow. I want the people who meet me to remember me, to feel like the experience of having met me has some significance. I want to have a powerful experience to those who enter my life, and yet I'm afraid to embrace the very elements that'll allow that, to feel, to be emotional, to be human...

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