Monday, March 15, 2010

Dash, Day 74

My life has all of the characteristics that earn a person a title, "My life sucks!" I'm unemployed. I rent a part of the living room. I take whatever desperate job is offered to me. I eat whatever the food banks provide for me. I'm unable to go to school because I can't afford it, and my schedule has to be completely open on the off chance that a job will be offered to me. If I'm lucky, I get two or three temp jobs in a single month, allowing me to pay rent. 3 days of work = one month of rent. I feel detached from life and from myself.

That intuition that developed rapidly within me has vanished or gone into hiding. I no longer hear that inner voice that used to speak to me. I'm unable to trust myself. The premonitions that used to stalk me have long forgotten about me. It's a relief to not be burdened or attacked with feelings and visions I didn't ask for or am ever prepared for, but the absence of them in my life is a reflection of how emotionally dead I am inside. Such irony that assessment is considering how emotional I've been lately.

I'm in a relationship. That's something that's not perceived as a downfall or is it? It's hard to say. For one thing, I've never really seen being single as a drawback. So I don't really consider being in a relationship as a plus. And the past couple of days have seriously left me wondering if it's a positive in my life. All I really know is that I'm in a relationship and I've never been in love.

Am I looking for love? I'm not looking for it. But I'm saddened by the idea that I've never experienced it because it makes me wonder what's wrong with me. Am I so emotionally inept or deficient that I can't experience it? Sometimes I worry. Let me make it clear that I'm not expecting my boyfriend to provide me with this. But when a girl goes without ever being in love, she starts to worry if it even exists and, more importantly, for her.

I've dealt with so much crap in my life. I may be small. I may not be the physically strongest person. I may squeal at the sight of a gnarly insect. I may get shaky if I skip a meal. But I'm by no means a weak person. I've gone through a lot. It's made me a strong person. I've been pushed, and I've fallen, fallen hard. But I've always gotten back up and I always will. My strength has been tested, and it has always persevered.

I've had a lifetime of experiences, and I barely experience what I consider to be happiness. Happiness isn't just pleasure and joy but feelings experienced with the absence of fear, insecurities, doubts, worry, and/or sadness. If I can't even feel that, love seems like it's a galaxy away.

Being unemployed is a drag, but I know I'll find work again. Just because it feels hopeless doesn't mean that my realistic nature has been demolished. Love, on the other hand, is something I only know exists through the experience and stories of others. It's something my insecurity can feed off of. It's a foreign concept, something I know nothing about.
When people ask me what do you think about love, what does love mean to you, do you think true love exists, etc.? I don't really know what to tell them. It's one of the few things that manage to silence me and really leave me baffled. That's why I wanted nothing more than to attend my friend's wedding. Every year I create a New Year's Resolution, which is more of a to-do list and attending his wedding was on the top of the list. I'm still devastated that I couldn't make it.
I can't really define or explain what love is. I don't think anyone really can, but I have a particularly hard time with it and that's impressive considering how articulate, opinionated, and knowledgeable I am. It's something you have to feel, to experience, to know, and even then, there's a mystery to it that'll never be solved. That's the beauty in it. I don't want the magic torn away from me, but I want to touch it, to feel a whisper of it, to feel its presence, to be changed by it. I have none of those things. The closest I've ever come was seeing my friend with his significant other.
When people ask me what is love to you, the two of them come to mind. I don't fully understand it. But intuitively I must recognize it because they're the image that pops up in my mind. I'm slowly discovering that my heart understands things long before my mind does, if my mind ever does with some things. This isn't something I can't understand or experience through other couples, but it's a start. I don't want it to be my only exposure, but I certainly don't want to turn away from it, either.
It does make me wonder when I find myself "intellectualizing" love, a crime in it of itself, why them? What is it about that couple that draws me to them? All of the clique answers apply. They're a perfect couple, two peas in a pod. They go so well together. Blah blah blah. But how many couples fit that profile and fail miserably? I've seen other couples fit the same profile, manage to stay together, and be very happy with one another, and yet I was never impressed by them; I was never moved by them. Just those two.
So what gives? I can ask and ask and ask until the end of time. I'm confident I'll never find the answer. When I'm alone with my thoughts, I have a hunger to seek these answers. But what I really want is to witness that connection. That's why I wanted to go to that wedding. Who knows if I'll ever meet another couple that makes me feel that way?
Does it matter that my friend and I used to go out a lifetime ago? We're really good friends, and I'm not saying we didn't care about each other in that way. But it was never meant to last. We both knew it. I wouldn't go as far as say that the relationship should've never happened, but I do feel like we could've not gone out and it wouldn't have made much of an impact on his end.
I know what you're thinking, and no I'm not pining over my ex. In fact, I told him that it was inevitable that our relationship wouldn't last but it wasn't until I saw the two of them together that I was ecstatic that we broke up so that he could be with someone like her. I've never felt that way about anyone. I meant every word of it.
There's one conversation I had with him that still resonates in me. We had a really good talk and he was saying how much he cared about me, that he wished the best for me, so much so that he'd be willing to die for me if it came down to his life or mine. That's incredibly sweet and touching, right? I think most girls would be moved to tears, but me being me practically ripped his balls off from over the phone!
I recited the summarized gratitude speech as though it was merely a requirement I said just to say it, so I can move onto telling him what an idiot he is and how he can no longer follow the philosophy of a single man now! Because I know him, he meant it. But he has someone in his life now and not in a casual way, either. So you can't be willing to make sacrifices like that. You have to think of others and prioritize in order of importance. I'm below her.
Then we entered a religious territory but still within the topic. He's Christian, so he believes in life after death for himself but not for me. So he'd be willing to die because he believes that he'll be reunited with the one he loves either way; he'll still have a life with her. But me, when I die, that's the end. That's it. No life thereafter, no due over, just vanished, existing only in the memories of the ones who love me. So he's willing to give me a fuller life that he feels I won't receive after death.
Furthermore, he believes she'll understand. He's right. She would understand. How crazy is that? Can you imagine being left alive with the guilt that your friend died leaving his wife widowed and she'll be understanding? Now that's love. That's powerful.
If one of them faces an early death, the other wouldn't remarry. I honestly believe that. They would continue life looking forward to the next chapter after death. I don't think anyone would ever do that for me. There are some types of women men would wait for. She's one of them. I'm just not.
Okay, so confidence isn't one of my strong suits, but that's not where this is coming from. This is like some women are housewifes and some women are businesswomen. Neither one is superior or inferior to the other. It's a lifestyle; it's a status. That's how it is with me. I don't think anyone will wait for me. If I meet my fate at an early age and I'm married, I believe that he'll remarry. And I think I'd want him to. I don't like the idea of him going through the rest of his life single, alone, and lonely. But it saddens me that I don't think anyone will make that kind of sacrifice and commitment for me. Couples like that are so rare that I'll never be okay with missing their wedding. There will never be another Dash.

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