Transition, Day 14

For someone who dwells on the past and focuses more attention on the future than what's healthy, I realized that I never focus on the transition. When I reflect on who I was and how much I've changed, it makes me wonder why people were ever friends with me. I know that perspective is flawed and unhealthy. I've become a better person, but that doesn't mean that I wasn't worth being loved or deserving of any friendships I've developed.

I used to not have a cell phone and despised the idea of having one, despite how much I talked. The idea that people can contact me and throw my plan off because I didn't anticipate a phone call drove me mad. How unhealthy is that? There's definitely an appeal to not being accessible, but it would seriously upset me when I got a phone call. I didn't have much of a range. If I was upset, I was upset. I controlled it, but I always knew that my ranges should be milder at times.

I used to know everyone's schedule, so much so that if I didn't know someone's schedule, everyone was like what the fuck? It would weigh on me, which is sad. My ex tried to reassure me that I don't have to know everything, everyone's schedule. It's true, but I didn't know it for everyone else. I know they expected that from me, but I didn't do it for them; I did it for me. By knowing what their schedule was, I can quickly eliminate who isn't calling me. That comforted me. How disturbing. I'm finally able to manage the unpredictabilities of life. That's just one small aspect. It may not seem like a huge leap, but I swear it is.