Growth is Painful

Sometimes we desire things that aren't the most conducive, healthiest, or practical for us. It makes the most natural sense to eliminate it or focus on better things and yet separation from our desire, even the thought of it is painful. It makes growth painful. Why is that? Is there a part of us that enjoys or thrives from the pain? It doesn't seem right.

I'm used to emotionally not getting what I want. People think I usually get what I want, which is kinda funny when you think about it. I'm single. I live in a bachelor, a studio minus the kitchen. I have no car, no career, no relationship, and no family. Yet people think I usually get what I want. Those very people seem to not have a clue about what it is that I actually want. What do I want? I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want a life that reflects adulthood - an apartment with a kitchen, maybe a car, and a career. A job that fulfills me. I want to have a boyfriend and not because I feel lonely and am tired of being alone but because I want to enter the next stage in my life. I've exhausted this single scene. I want to connect with someone beyond a platonic level. Too much of one thing for too long gets stagnant, and platonic is what I have too much of for too long.

So the truth is contrary to popular belief, I don't usually get what I want. Most of what I've listed, I don't have. Sadly I still become paralyzed by fear. I'm so terrified of it that I create all the psychological facades to conceal it. Walk tall, head high, smile, talk with my hands, firm voice... People prey on the weak; insecurity, doubt, and vulnerabilities are seen as weak. I don't want to be a target. It's sort of like smile through the bullshit. Maybe it's fake to smile when you're devastated, but I think it's better than moping around. By smiling, I put others at ease rather than being down. I'm also acting out my manifestations. Not to mention studies have shown that the mere act of smiling produces happy chemicals. Do I find that it helps? Honestly? No, but I also can't feel an improvement from doing breathing exercises. It doesn't mean it doesn't benefit my body. So might as well right?

As much as I'm not materialistic, I don't like feeling inadequate and not having a kitchen makes me feel inferior. This is a great demonstration for why comparisons are dangerous and frankly illogical. I make more meals in my kitchenless space than people with full fledged kitchens. I'm resourceful, diligent, and my passion permeates through my restrictions. I should be proud of it, but I just see it as a limitation and setback. Just cuz I can make something work and make the best of it doesn't mean I don't want more or wish I deserved better.

The truth is I don't think I'll like driving, but I wish I could make an informed decision. Not having a car or driver's license is so adolescent. And it reminds me of how denied I was in high school. I was in foster care and transferred to so many schools that I didn't accumulate enough credit for having not stayed at each school long enough. I had to prioritize classes required for graduation. Driver's ed wasn't one of them. I also couldn't even take my test cuz I got fined for riding the bus without paying. I know the rules, but I didn't have money. My social worker was late in sending me my bus pass. It is what it is. It barred me from taking the test. As an adult, no one seems interested in teaching an adult who doesn't know how to drive. They see how clumsy I am on foot and they refuse to teach me. I can't afford driving lessons. They're out of my budget. I'm not trying to make excuses; I'm just explaining. After all there's no excuse for someone nearing her 30's to complain about something teenagers can accomplish. But it doesn't change the fact that although I've gotten used to and generally don't mind public transportation that when I list off what makes me feel deprived, this comes to mind.

I want to evolve and move forward. I don't see that happening. The jobs I obtain are shortlived and are the same type of positions I could've and did obtain in high school. Not having a college education is an undeniable factor, but the truth is plenty of people without credentials can obtain jobs above entry level positions. I have the personality and implied intelligence to gain a higher level position, but I'm unable to retain it. Maybe it was all the drugs I did that's affected my memory, but things I should remember slip away. I try to do what I can to improve my memory. I do memory enhancing exercises, eat healthy foods, and write everything down. It just doesn't seem to be successful. The only thing I haven't been able to do is sleep. I try but I fail at it. I wouldn't be surprised if that's a factor.

As for school, it just didn't work. I mean I'd get life threatneing allergies, sun poison, or severe reaction to medications, etc. If you've endured reading everything so far, I commend you for your resilience. I know I sound like I'm making excuses and I'm helpless. I don't believe that. I'm just explaining the things I feel and my past experiences. I really believe that school wasn't meant for me, and that's why it kept getting sabotaged. Things just kept getting in the way in a severely debilitating way. I took pre-algebra three times and failed three times. I was sent to see if I have a math disorder and apparently I don't. I've tried a series of math tutors, but I can't pass the class. Do you have any idea how ashamed I am to admit this? I'm sure I sound delusion when I say that I'm actually considered highly intelligent. So it's even more depressing. I'm either tripping, in which class I'm stupid. Or I'm telling the truth and I still can't move forward. Either way, it sucks. Now I can't afford to go to school anyways. Nor do I have a desire to.

I'm severely underdeveloped in the relationship department. I was a late bloomer, and I had my first real boyfriend as an adult. I don't think having a "boyfriend" for less than a month in school cuz we're such good friends and should try it out counts. We either just hung out as friends or bordered on avoiding each other cuz we didn't want to be affectionate. Those really don't count. The exact two experiences.

Everyone thought I loved my first boyfriend, but I didn't. Not really. I didn't know how. When people weren't around, I didn't miss them. That's how emotionally detached I was. I hate saying that I didn't know I wasn't into him considering how long I've been with him cuz it makes me such a bitch! And it makes me sound like a liar, but there's truth to it. The feelings that should've been there weren't, but I never felt the feelings that should've been there. Not then at least.

Since then I've developed deep feelings for some guys, but nothing ever really came of those relationships. And I may have at one point thought I wanted a relationship with them, but a part of me always knew why I didn't want that or why it wouldn't work. I'm now nearing my thirties and most of my friends are guys. They're platonic friendships. True story. And I'm not conceited when I say that I'm attractive. Modeling agencies have approached me, but I'm not the intimidating attractive either. I've done party promos and bartended. Guys who initially come around to try and get into my pants spend the entire night pining over their exes and not in the way to score with me. They simultaneously call their gfs while talking to me. My friends have made bets to see how long it takes a guy checking me out to get platonic. I used to go clubbing and encourage bets to make money for fucking crying out loud! I've stayed over at friend's friends places knowing the guy had the intention to sleep with cuz I knew the feelings would defuse. He'd talk about how much he misses his ex, get so depressed, and leave to fuck a booty call... Yeah...so it's really, REALLY difficult for me to develop relationships.

I'm the only female friend guys have when they don't have platonic friendships. Apparently I've taught them the value of opposite sex friendships. I'm glad I can open peoples' mind but my platonic energy is such an overwhelming presence that I feel like it debilitates me in the romantic department. And I'm incredibly picky. I've only liked four guys EVER. I know that's hard to believe, but it's true. And when guys I'm not interested in try to kiss me or get affectionate with me outside of a hug, I can incredibly uncomfortable. I mean it makes me want to vomit uncomfortable. So I go years and years and years without having sex and suffering cuz I don't want to experience flu-like symptoms. It's depressing.

I want to have that deep connection with someone. I was asked what my sex fantasy was not too long ago and I realized I want to have sex with my boyfriend. That's what I want. I haven't even come close. Not only have I not found anyone but no one seems to want to offer that to me. I want to go deeper in the relationship I have with people than the ones I've experienced most of my life. I want a relationship.

I'm not sure where I was going with this entry originally, but I'm deeply rooted in what I can best describe as depression without the emotional flair. It's like a boring, mundane kind of indifference and low energy.

OCDing at Work

I'm starting to dislike this habit I'm developing. I'm glad I finally got a job that's more conducive to my personal goals and meets the kind of standards I desire, but I'm falling back on bad habits. Because I have the permission and freedom to web surf, that's how I fill my day. Of course I fulfill my job duties, as well, but I'm not taking advantage of this free time like I should be. I could be writing, but instead I'm looking at things in a patterned sort of way. I'm indulging my OCD.

I don't feel incapable of stopping, nor do I think I'd be overcome with an unsettling feeling. So it isn't stress-induced, just bad habits forming. I'm worry that if I don't stop and take advantage of this opportunity, this temp to hire won't turn into hire cuz the universe won't feel that my habits are conducive to my goals. So I really need to focus, but I have zero interest to pursue my writing projects. Why is that?

Do I deep down not want to develop those books I've always told myself I'm interested in? Is this related to my fear of beginning something when I'm uncertain of what my first step should be? Why am I so afraid of taking a step? These questions won't solve or change my habits, but I want to address them publicly. This way I'll recognize the concern for what it is, rather than continue down this path. Unfortunately I don't see myself reforming any time soon, but awareness is important. Rather than burying the truth so I don't have to deal with it, I'd rather express it, even if it takes me a while to correct it.

I Don't Know When I'll See You

Here’s an example of my insecurities running rampant. I spend most of my time with this guy I’m seeing. It’s also become routine. I don’t mean that in a boring, predictable way but seeing each other is no longer something we plan; it’s something we do naturally. When he has to leave for work, he confirms if I’m staying at his place and asks me if I want him to pick something up. He’s comfortable with me at his place. He calls me everyday and we keep in touch.

Not much has suggested that we’ll part ways any time soon, and yet the simple sentence “I don’t know when I’ll see you,” has filled me with insecurities. He wanted to give me some food, but I wanted to go to the library and didn’t feel like lugging it around. So he offered to hold onto it for me.

I texted him when the library was closed simply to share. I wasn’t trying to hunt for a ride or anything especially since he was probably long gone from my area, but he immediately calls me back to let me know he’ll come and pick me up. That way I can take the food with me. He says, “I don’t know when I’ll see you.” Is it that much of a mystery? We see each other so often that I would’ve assumed I’d get the food not long after.

Usually I’ll make it a point to address questionable statements like this, but after a considerable amount of time, I FINALLY learned that it doesn’t go over very well. No one likes being presented with that. If I’m looking too into it, the recipient takes offense. If there’s truth to it and I recognize it immediately, the recipient becomes unnerved which makes perfect sense. When you’re trying to eliminate someone out of your life, it’s probably because you want to create some sort of distance. An extensive conversation is unwelcomed. And more than likely, it won’t appease me.

I did notice that statement right away, but I didn’t investigate it. I wonder if it’s because deep down inside I knew I didn’t want to know the answer, that I’m not ready to hear the truth. Could it be that I’m finally learning to not indulge in my insecurities? As much as I wish that were true, it seems unrealistic. Whatever the truth may be, only time will tell. No amount of obsessing over a mere seven words will reveal the truth only time can present.

I can be incredibly single-minded. It’s the end of the year. Instead of partying, he works and makes loads of money. He usually calls me after he gets off work, but I’ve practically been living at his place now. And a few times we fell asleep on his incredibly tiny couch, both of us. The next evening he said that he wants to go to sleep but if I want to watch TV that he’ll chill with me. We’ve only spent a couple hours resting on the bed. I imagine work was more brutal than normal, too.

Those reasons make it more than understandable why he may not have called. On the opposite end of the argument, it’s never kept him from calling before. Then again, these reasons don’t have to exist for him to not call. Things happen. It’s a waste of time and energy for me to get this worked up. I tried to ignore my concerns, but it just made it worse. I tend to tell people to address their insecurities, in order to eliminate them. That’s what I’m trying to do here. I want to put it into perspective.

It could’ve been a pre-meditative statement or it could’ve simply meant he genuinely doesn’t know when he’ll be able to see me. He doesn’t want it to take up room at his place. The truth is if it was pre-meditative, then it’s over. The last thing I should be doing is giving attention to something that’s been terminated. If I’m making a big deal out of nothing, that’s even worse because there’s no validity behind my obsession.

Instead of feeling better, I’m actually getting that nervous feeling. That weird, unpleasant sensation below my skin. Last time I felt that way I thought a guy wasn’t interested in being a relationship with me, which was untrue. Obviously that situation is different, but I want to remind myself that things aren’t always what I think they are. Thinking of it gave me a sense of relief.

The message I want to leave myself with is that I can’t change my train of thought over night. It takes time, but I want to change them. So when these negative thought patterns develop, I shouldn’t ignore them because then they’ll never leave. But addressing them shouldn’t become a tactic to engage! It should be to rid myself of them. And sometimes that means accepting that I won’t know no matter how desperate I am to uncover the truth, and no amount of obsessing will change this reality. Also, obsessing won’t bring me closer to the truth. I really should be more productive with my thoughts, time, and efforts.

What Do I Want Most of All?

Something dawned on me. I have a lot of thoughts, epiphanies, opinions, desires, ambitions, opportunities I don’t care about, missed opportunities, regrets, laughs, friends, clothes, etc etc. You get the idea. I’m plagued with excess, and it leaves me unfocused and cluttered. It’s taking its series of tolls on me. It used to make me feel overwhelmed until I adapted and became numb to them. Nowadays I feel empty because all this excess gives an illusion of abundance, as though it’s fulfilling in some way when it really isn’t.

For someone who’s so good at attention to detail, I’m not too great at focusing on the right attention. And sometimes the way to find the details is in stepping back. If something isn’t natural to me, it may take me decades before I become receptive to it, let alone be able to understand or execute it. Fortunately for me, I’m inquisitive by nature and passivity, if I do ever incorporate it, is temporary.

Lately I’ve been asking myself this specific question, “What do I want most of all?” My first and most important answer is to have emotional security, a sense of confidence in myself. I’m such a paradox. When I was younger, people would tell me they thought at first glance I’m a self-absorbed, egotistical, confident bitch. I’m so far from that, but I suppose it’s a façade I created. I began to emulate what I wanted and to an extreme.

Few people know how truly insecure I am and how much I doubt myself. I guess readers of this blog have a greater insight than some of my closest friends. It’s easy to pretend I’m confident. I get attention, and I have such an influential energy about me that few people ever oppose me. Any basic psych textbook can tell you the signs of a confident person is someone who walks tall and proud, back arched, head high up, smile, interact, make your presence known, and talk with a tone that’s firm, rather than quiet, meek, or indecisive.

A lot of people know this, but most people aren’t in control of their subconscious acts. I’m not saying that I have a greater sense of awareness. Not only would that be incredibly arrogant but also unintelligent. How can I measure my subconscious behavior? It’s subconscious! But I have consciously put in A LOT of effort portraying the signs of confidence. I used to look at girls who appeared confident and tried to copy their walk. I discovered the best way for my body to elongate, make my back sit so to speak where my back was properly arched and I consciously practiced the other traits. I have OCD, so it was easy to stay on track. I would tell myself, “smile, smile, smile, smile, God damn it, SMILE!!!” Things like that until it became natural.

I never let anyone in on my insecurities, so relationships were always the ones that suffered because in situations like that, you’re always exposed. I’m unable to expertly conceal myself by masquerading to be the exact opposite. It’s not fair to the person I’m involved with. It’s always been a problem but one that hardly arises as I rarely met anyone I was interested in getting involved with. My circumstance now just highlights this problem I’ve been ignoring for years. I don’t want to fix this for external reasons; I want it for myself.

The truth is I don’t think I realized how severe it was until now. It’s always been important to me to be a good friend who someone can open up to and trust. The energy I give off is the energy I attract and vice versa. I want to be aware of this, so I can exude positive energy. And there’s nothing positive about suppressing paralyzing insecurity and doubt that eats away at me like a poison I camouflage from the rest of the world. Energy is subliminal. It doesn’t pick up on my behavior but what’s inside of me, and this isn’t what I want to release into the universe.

When something can be interpreted positively or negatively, I reject any positive possibilities and always resort to the negative outcome. Sometimes I’m completely blinded to positive signs or will go as far as discarding it to maintain the consistency that the negative perspective carries. My mind is so strategic and processes information so quickly that it took me years to catch up to it and a lot of people pointing to my error of thought. The problem is not many people can navigate in my mind, so I ignored the statements that came my way as false input. I use negative statements people say out of error or anger, which we all do and use it as an anchor to keep me from being swept away in the moment.

I want to change. I want to just smile back without being suspicious. I want to be able to accept a compliment about my looks without my mind jumping to criticizing someone’s taste or inability to multi-task because there’s another girl more pretty right next to me. I want to apply for that job I know I can do well without experiencing feelings of inadequacies or feeling like I’m being deceptive and manipulative when I convince myself to give me that job because I’m convinced I’ll fail epically. I want to pursue something and move to the next stage, rather than staying where I am out of fear that I won’t perform well in a new environment. I want to be able to do things on my own for the experience, rather than hiding away from the idea of being rejected if I ask others and they have better things to do. I want to focus on my strengths, rather than my weaknesses. I want to embrace my strengths and practice them without guilt because I have weaknesses. I want to know my flaws and weaknesses, so I can strengthen them or know how to overcompensate with my stronger qualities.

Sometimes I’m shocked by the confidence and credit people give themselves. I think to myself, “No way you’re good enough for that!” Sometimes I’m right, sometimes I’m wrong. But does it really matter? It’s a toxic thought process. I’ve always been a firm believer that mistakes teach us more than always doing things right and offers us more meaningful experiences.

Yet I’m terrified of taking a chance because of the possibility that I’ll make a mistake. Rarely do I ever initiate things on my terms where a mistake occurs. Mistakes just happen around me and I’m effected by it. A lot of times it may not even be entirely my fault, but I accept the blame because I feel I deserve it since my contributions led to it, despite my objections or my intuition that indicate I’m wiser than how I’m being portrayed.

I could never understand girls who used to stare in front of the mirror for hours giving attention to their flaws. Just knowing I had them was so unbearable that I didn’t have the strength to face them or give them my time. Instead I immersed myself in such an effective distraction that I was sufficiently occupied. What I didn’t know then is how the feelings were still there and without removing them, they’d become systemic and contaminate me immeasurably.

It’s becoming harder to conceal my insecurities. I’m losing interest in maintaining my façade, but I have no desire to surrender to these beliefs, either. So I exist in this perpetual state of conflict that overwhelms me as life passes me by. I want to stop being so insecure because for me that’s my key to happiness. Insecurity is the brake that prevents me from truly enjoying life.

Stupid iPad!!!

I wrote a ton of inspiring entries on my iPad when I didn't have access to my laptop. I tried to copy and paste it, but it didn't work and I deleted a ton of writing. :( I wish I would have been able to share it on here because in a long time, they're inspiring and positive writing. I guess the jist of it is that I've been bonding a lot more with my adoptive mom. I don't have the greatest relationship with my biological family and it's my adoptive family that I truly consider family. But I always kept them at a distant.

My mom and brother have always been welcoming especially my mom, and I've always feared being just another welcomed member in their life when what I really want is a family. There's also a fear of being rejected the way I've been by my biological mom that I think has been stirring inside of me. They're two different people, but fear has a way of being irrational. After seeing this guy I'm involved with connecting with his family on a regular basis, it made me miss my own.

I'm grateful in a way he'll never know and also for the best mother advice I could've received. With matters to the heart, she reminded me to let things form organically. I really like the way the word organically is used there. She gave me a lot of great advice, but that one stuck out the most because it's so foreign to who I am.

I've also been hesitant about facing her because I have no idea what I want to do with my life, and it's discouraging. I don't want to face another mom and feel inadequate. These feelings were never a result of how she made me feel but what I was concerned about. Overcoming them was important because as it turns out, she gave me wonderful advice. I wrote down a list of 10 things I love to do and 10 things I'm good at. I was also directed to www.cacareerzone.org to not only get a profile of jobs within my interests but also detail into what my expenses are in my area. It's so refreshing to get some productive suggestions.

Too many job profiles are just that, profiles. Impersonal and vague. I'm often the one people seek out at EDD offices for advice. That's not cool. There are trained professionals, and I'm being recruited to revise resumes? O_o I've even been offered a job placement specialist position, but the location even by car is two hours away. I don't drive and have no desire to move. The increase in salary will actually be a financial downgrade with the required expenses that'll add on like a car, etc. Plus I'm not interested in that. I'm looking forward to the insights I receive.

Getting Tired of this Bullshit!

Okay, I've had it! I'm tired of being emo! I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of my depressing entries. I'm tired of exhausting myself emotionally and spiritually cuz I'm too fucked up in the head. Time for a major deep emotional cleanse cuz I can't, I REFUSE, to keep going on like this.

All my pains and fears are real and not to pull the childhood card but understandable. I ran away from home at 12, bounced around in foster homes and group homes. I've never really been a part of a loving home or environment and the one I was exposed to, I mostly hid away from. Those are explanations, but they shouldn't be what keeps drowning me. I try to stay away from the water, but I keep walking into it cuz I'm terrified about what's out there on land. Then I panic as I drown. Well what the fuck do I expect? I put myself in these situations.

I want to be happy. I found someone who makes me happy. Yes, I'm scared. I've been burned in the past. So I what burn him before he tries to burn me when he's given me no indication that he will burn me? That makes my defensive maneuvers just malicious and paranoid. When I go further deep into my thoughts, I know I'm not doing this cuz I'm scared he'll burn me; I'm terrified that he won't. It's a universal fear, so I'm not alone in it. I'm not crazy for experiencing it, but I'm tired.

This is just like when I gave up on my adolescent anger and violence cuz as an adult, it required too much energy to maintain it. As Head Cashier at Walgreens, the impatience of a customer led to cops being called. Extreme much? Now I've handled escalated calls and manage irate people and molding them into gentler beings. That's an unbelievable transformation! I have to do the same with this.

Yes, it's depressing how I got motivated. Fear of losing someone. My actions are still rarely triggered through self desire and more from external sources, but that's another issue. I'm not going to delay this recovery process by weighing myself down with other issues I have. Not cuz I'm in denial but cuz I'm focused and determined to overcome this.

I'm always going to trust people who don't deserve it throughout my life. That can't be a reason to hide myself away. I have to be strong enough to be willing to put myself in a vulnerable situation. I used to think I could never get over the pain, but that's obviously not true. Now I'm just terrified of it more cuz I know what I'm in for IF that happens. This fear has to be put down cuz I'm becoming vindictive in sustaining my sense of security.

I have no reasons to distrust you, so I slowly find myself warming up to you which is the precursor to vulnerability. So I fabricate reasons to distrust you by punishing you for being honest and distorting the truth to keep my fears alive. These two entities can co-exist within me. I either open myself up or I shut myself down. I can't keep fluctuating between the two. For one thing, I'm going to malfunction. Of course, each force wants to sustain its existence and is powerful. But one has to die and I want it to be my dark side.

I want to be happy. I want to treat him the way he deserves to be treated. My friends appreciate me for being intuitive, insightful, supportive, and inspiration. He likes me. He finds me fun, interesting, caring, smart, kind, good-hearted but he also thinks I'm a bit selfish, bratty, childish, and uncompassionate. These are my old qualities that haven't completely died off, but I've been resurrecting them against him to keep me from getting hurt emotionally. These qualities I've been expressing aren't actually a true reflection of who I am. I hope it's not too late and I have the opportunity to show him who I truly am. He's sensed it and that's why he likes me. I want him to know that side of me.

I'm tired of hurting him. I'm tired of the recycled apologies. If I thought I was going to hurt him again, I would've let this go once and for all. But I can do this!!!

It sounds insane and forced, but desperate measures! Our subconscious thoughts are echoes of our conscious minds, and we don't even know what our subconscious thoughts are until our conscious minds allow them to surface. Sometimes we don't even get any insight, though. If someone's a really amazing person and you have to repeat it, it'll make you question if it's really true. Like why are you trying so hard to be so convincing? But that's a generalized belief. Everything is too personal. Besides I don't want a general perception to keep me from moving forward.

For self-love to grow, I have to feed myself with self-love. It requires a lot of attention and support. I have to be reminded cuz I'm forgetful and my negativity will beat down every positive attributes I include into a space that was once only occupied by malicious thoughts. So I have to constantly give myself flowers and a lot of them cuz many will be sacrificed in the battle. Gives flower power a whole new meaning.....

And it's not just me. If I'm turning someone into an enemy and distort reality so convincingly, I have to use the truth to clear my senses. Why the fuck would I get mad at someone for falling asleep when he's tired cuz I wanted to spend time with him? If he was just a friend, I wouldn't resent him for it. I'd cover him with a blanket and be quiet or move to an insulated spot, so he can rest without distraction. But I interpreted his exhaustion as a rejection cuz if it were true, then I can leave and abandon my fears of facing these things. I wish I wasn't so fucked up in the head.

I hope it's not too late. But more importantly, I'm learning from this. It shouldn't have gotten to this point, but I'm going to turn poison into medicine!

Sabotage, Go Away!

I’m ashamed of my recent behavior. I spent the past few years improving myself. I allowed some negativity to seep away and welcomed positive acknowledgements of myself. I can say honestly that I believe I’m an attractive woman. Even with a petite figure, I consider myself sexy. I used to view sexiness as a sign of curves, which I believed I lack. I have smaller curves but small is still something and it fits my figure. Once I began recognizing these qualities in myself and embraced them, I began to both notice and attract others who saw it in me as well.

As I’m typing this out, I’m having an epiphany. I’ve made progress on a superficial level. Outer beauty only goes so far. There’s so much more to me than what the eye can see. In the past few years, I did more than see what was already there. I became a better person.

I've become empathetic, receptive, and able to help people. Others gravitate towards me and open up to me about their struggles. I offer them encouragement and support. I’m perceptive and personalize my approach uniquely to each individual. I realize the value of self-growth and change. Already aware of diversity and individuality, I know not to force my hand. I’m a dominant personality and have excellent people skills, so the truth is I can manipulate and coerce people to make rapid progress and improvements. But it isn’t the end result as much as the journey, the discoveries and lessons you learn along the way that truly matter. Keeping these things in mind, I make a positive difference in peoples’ lives.

It also allows me to be intuitively attuned, which is essential for me. It’s as much a benefit for me as it is for my friends. Altruism is also a new facet I’ve developed. Being intuitive has also made me more understanding, patient, and tolerant. Awareness really brings these qualities out of me. Impatience, I’ve discovered, is a result of imbalance. It’s a side effect. We have difficulty accepting that we can’t control everything. Intolerance comes from ignorance, a lack of understanding, limitation in exposure, and inexperience. Intuition allows me to understand things at a deeper level, making me patient and tolerant. The apparent struggles in my friends make me more considerate, thoughtful, and generous. I’m inspired to offer them some sort of comfort.

Please know that I’m not trying to roll out the I’m perfect carpet, but I want to bring some balance into my life. I’m so quick to criticize myself and yet I refrain from acknowledging positive qualities. I’m not being egotistical, conceited, or vain; I’m being open and honest. And this weekend has been a demonstration of how I need to embrace all of my positive qualities.

When you have low self-esteem, you’re more likely to reject love or any kind of affection. I’m now more receptive to the attention and idea of guys being attracted to me, but on an intimate level, I still keep myself at a distance. Any sign (I interpret) as his disinterest and I become unpleasant. I’m consumed with negativity and transparent self-criticism. I don’t verbalize them, not out of consideration for others, but because I can’t bear facing the idea of being rejected for being inadequate. Yet everything has energy. So what I’m not articulating is still being subliminally released.

The more abstract and intangible something is like feelings, the more fragile I become. Instead of being open, receptive, affectionate, comfortable, and genuine, I act in contradiction to what I want to keep me safe. I’m rigid in what I hear and glue myself to negativity, unwilling to release myself from it or face the possibility that people change their minds. There’s a guy I like who’s become more affectionate and I can feel his feelings for me deepening, but I remember him withdrawaling. This is a relationship guy who had me and began pulling away. I’m only left believing that it’s because he’s not interested anymore.

Something he said could’ve been interpreted in two different ways and of course I concluded and closed it off as the negative one. He was less intimate but wanted to spend more time with me. He became more affectionate and more open but then he all of a sudden withdrew. When we talked about it, he said he wanted to see me but didn’t want to hurt me and slow down because we were leading towards a relationship and he didn't want to move too quickly. I revealed to him that I thought he was losing interest in me and he said, “No, quite the opposite.”

One can argue that he’s beginning to like me and is taking things carefully. The opposing argument is that he’s withdrawaling because he doesn’t want to end up in a relationship with me and doesn’t want to hurt me. When I wanted to talk to him and call him, I didn’t. He usually makes the effort, so I thought his distance was a desire of his and I didn’t want to counter that with my presence. He thought that was nuts and said I should’ve called him.

When we were around each other, he was fairly affectionate but not as much as before. I suppose if I reciprocated, we could’ve reached that level again. Of course, I withdrew. People observed us sarcastically as the picture of happiness. I was unhappy and did everything I could to almost retain that feeling. I gave him some oranges and took only what I needed. He told me to leave one for him at my place, so he can eat it. It was a gesture that he was trying to warm me up to, but I ruthlessly rejected that orange. How insane is that?

I was snappy and my attitude infected him. I’m not excusing my behavior, but this is also around the same time a few of my friends were going through a hard time. I think I was channeling some of their emotions. Instead of detaching myself from them as I usually do, I felt too defeated to put in the effort that’s required to do just that. It affected my well-being, and I took it out on someone who didn’t deserve it. Now I feel like I’m back to square one. I don’t want to give him reasons to not want to be with me, despite what my self-sabotaging actions may suggest.

If every time we get close, I do something to make even the idea of spending time with me appealing, I’ll be securing a no relationship guarantee. That’s honestly not what I want. And how I’ve been behaving isn’t who I am. Of course, how am I supposed to convince him of that? He only knows what he sees. And once the damage is done, it’s done.

I criticized and obliterated my existing positive qualities. As I was developing new ones, it didn’t occur to me that I’ll once again destroy them harshly because that habit is imbedded in me. I thought I was so hard on myself before because I believed what my parents told me. I thought once I believed in myself that my behavior would change, but unfortunately that isn’t so.

Fortunately, however, I’m aware. No matter what happens with him, he’s already proven himself as a friend for life. Even if I ruin my chances at a romantic endeavor, I’ll always have what matters most - our friendship. I see girls being brutal to my friends and eventually it wears on them and they go their separate ways. My friends look back at those toxic experiences kind-heartedly saying that she’s a good person, but she’s too insecure and it was too much for me. No matter how awful they were to them, my friends always saw the good in them. I’m not nearly as horrible as them (not that it matters because it isn’t a comparison or competition), but I hope no matter what I do, my goodness will always triumph.

This plea is more about self-empowerment than it is about rejection because this is bigger than some guy. This is about my self-esteem. I need to be more secure in myself and know that I’m worth it. I need to be liberated from my emotional imprisonments. Not just for any guy who’s involved with me but for myself.

What Truly Matters

There were two topics I wanted to blog about today, but I chose to focus my energy on the manifestation entry. I'm glad I did because it felt rather ambiguous, so I wasn't sure if it was worth the attention because it wasn't quite developed, but I think that's sort of the point. Manifesting my desires with focus and selectivity requires attentiveness and precision I'm not fully familiar with yet. So it's understandable that something I haven't quite experienced won't be conveyed with vivid complexity. What's important is that I give it attention and put energy into it so that it can develop and strengthen over time. Create. Manifest.

I also have some other concerns plaguing me. Inception. A conceptualization of a single thought that mutates in your mind like a virus. No, I'm not referring to the movie. This is in reference to my own life. I need to be selective in what I express because once the words leave my lips, I no longer own them and I can never take them back. If I express my concerns to the wrong person, they can just as quickly and absentmindedly articulate a single thought that contaminates my mind. And thus the inception takes root.

It's taken me a long time to feel confident and secure in myself, to feel like I make an impact in peoples' lives, that my absence will cause an emptiness and pain in my loved ones' hearts. I'm slowly beginning to realize the significance of my presence. When I became more open and vocal about my feelings, I began attracting people who did the same. And it's through this altruistic process that I began to realize my worth as others supported and showed me. But such awareness takes time and there are some things I'm more insecure about than others, and it blinds me from the signs that reveal the truth out of fear that I could be wrong.

Sometimes I struggle with being unemployed because it makes me feel like I'm not good enough to obtain a job I'm qualified for because there's something else wrong with me or that I'm not fulfilling. The only jobs I get offered are the ones I could've gotten as a teenager with no experience. I decline these offers but not just out of pride. The inner voice is telling me that I need to be receptive to what I deserve and to do that, I have to be available. It's a huge step that I'm trusting myself, while appearing to the outside world that I'm too prideful to accept a job when I need one.

Studies have shown that people inherit natural talents, and the people happiest are the ones that find careers that harness those talents. But spending so much of my life being emotionally-detached, I feel like I've hidden myself from myself. So how am I to know what my natural talents are? Even natural talents sometimes takes a lifetime to reveal, and I'm just now exploring for it.

Writing. Edgy Empathy. Altruism. Motivation. Encouragement. Providing People with Direction. Projecting Self-Reliance. These are my natural talents. I want to incorporate it into a nonprofit. But I have no idea what steps to take. There seems to be this disconnect during the development process and transitioning state because there's a wealth of information available once you have the answers to make it happen. But there's an essential step that must follow once an idea forms. I have ideas but creating it is a blur. It's like you need existing knowledge to make it happen, but the existing knowledge can't form until what you want to build is there first. Yet you can't take those steps without the other. And the cycle perpetuates.

The truth is right now I'm avoiding the inception that's really eating away at me as an effective distraction. I can never know another person's thoughts, and I'm grateful for that. But that also allows growth for my insecurities to seep into my thoughts. That's why it's essential to be positive, to be aware and conscientious of the difference I make in peoples' lives, and surround myself with things and people that support and encourage my growth. Balance and reality is also important, but I think I have negativity, criticism, and an awareness for my weaknesses dangerously over developed. Now it's time to strengthen the neglected, other half.

I've been wondering how I'm perceived and questioning if my intentions, sincerity, and gestures are conveyed, acknowledged, or even reciprocated, as though they're a sign of validation, which is truly unhealthy and so not the point. Through a series of these thoughts, seeds of doubts and fear silently develop. When that happens, there's nothing more comforting than a friend opening up to me and asking for my advice about a delicate topic. Asking is a sign that my judgment and intuition is trusted and valued but an expression of gratitude makes an even greater difference. It reminds me that even in the midst of my own doubts, others believe in me. And these are people whose judgment I trust and value greatly. So it speaks volumes that they regard me highly. So I thank you.

Life is So Fragile and I Don't Want to be the Drowning Man

I'm not particularly a religious person. I'm spiritual, though. I believe that when the universe wants to me to go down the most conducive path for my success and spiritual growth, it becomes apparent especially when I try to resist it for whatever reason. I also know that I have a powerful energy and strong will; I have the ability to manifest my desires when I focus.

I need a job. I've been needing one for a while. I've been lucky enough so far to make rent, but living on temp gigs that may or may not approach is so risky. Since I'm not working and it's summertime, I've been going to a bunch of pool parties where my friend's friends seem to have reputable jobs with some extent of authority. They work for the city or state. Nowadays, it's all about networking and who you know. No matter how qualified you are for a job, if no one looks at your resume, you'll never even be considered. Accepting their help to get my foot in the door sounds great, but I don't like the idea that these guys are offering me assistance as they stare at me in a bikini. That's an understandable resistance, but it's my pride interfering with an opportunity to have steady income. So on the opposing end, that doesn't sound particularly logical to refuse, either.

I didn't decide to budge because I'm getting desperate financially because if that were the case, I would've skipped through the whole stubborn melodrama cuz eventually I was going to hit an inevitable financial plateau. Then what? I resort to what could've helped sooner? Well, that's dumb. But I went camping this past weekend and there's something enlightening about being close to nature.

As much of a free thinker as I'd like to think I am, I haven't escaped social conditionings and perceived notions. Pride clouds my judgment or is at least a factor. There's always going to be opposing thoughts and reasons to hesitate with virtually anything I do. So at the end it boils down to what is worth pursuing and what isn't based on my desires, priorities, and such. In nature where I'm free and I don't have to put up a barrier where I have to defend my validity because I'm a girl, the things that matter the most becomes most audible. I NEED A JOB!!!

And when I'm not too busy being prideful, I'm able to observe that many opportunities like these keep presenting themselves. It made me think of a Christian reference of a man who was drowning and refused to be rescued, insisting that God will save him. After many attempts to save him were unsuccessful and he dies, he asks God why he wasn't saved. God said I sent you rescuers, but you denied them every time! I don't want to be that drowning man.

Maybe this isn't the most ideal way for me to get a job according to my notions of what's considered acceptable and isn't which is subjective to begin with, but when is life ever ideal? My friend's daughter has been fighting cancer for years now, and recently she passed away. Do you think she would've opposed assistance to obtain an opportunity that's much needed? Probably not. A teenager was shot in San Francisco by police, and there's an outrage going on about that, even though death happens all around us. Another friend lost someone in his life. Another, her grandmother. Life is so fragile. I don't want to waste the time I have here over trivial matters.

I'm nearing my 30's as a high school dropout and I have no college degree. As with many things in my life, there are reasons but none of which truly matter cuz while the stories are interesting and outrageous, the truth is it doesn't change the circumstance. I believe there's more than one way to succeed in life, and it isn't through education. I have to find the path that's right for me cuz the universe seems to constantly re-direct me away from sitting inside of a classroom and steering me more towards the battlefield, exposed and right in the middle of it all. I guess I'm gutsy enough to hang. Sometimes, though, I wish I could use a break but whatever, things can be worse.

I'm not ready for a serious relationship cuz I can't even get a job and my biological clock is ticking. Not that I'm really tripping off of that now because regardless of my age and my body, I have desires separate from those factors. But the problem is that I'm so behind in my own life that I have to work harder and faster to catch up, so WHEN I'm ready, not when my age or society tells me I should be, I want everything else in my life to be more or less developed so I can pursue my desires.

Everything is Going to be Okay

*This is an old entry I forgot to post.

When you feel beaten and unwanted, it's hard to believe that everything's going to be okay. When I saw how pulverized someone is and I hear them say those words, I just thought they said it cuz they needed to believe it, as if telling themselves that made the pain any less severe. Now that I'm going through it, I realized that the sting burns just as sharply no matter what you tell yourself. So what reason would anyone have to lie to themselves? You're already exposed and vulnerable. Lying to yourself won't change any of that. So maybe just maybe it actually is going to, in fact, be okay and that light at the end of the tunnel isn't an illusion. Someday, probably not as soon as I'd like it to be, I'll be a part of that light and everything is going to be okay.

The Smallest of Things Can Trigger Our Greatest Fears

It's going to be my birthday this month. The new year just began. Valentine's day passed. And now my birthday's coming up. Each are Holidays that make people think of the future and reflect on our lives. I don't usually give attention to days people associate with significance but I spent the Holidays in my hometown, so I was exposed to an undeniable contrast between my old life and my new one. I've conditioned my friends to remember my birthday is 6 days after Valentine's, so it's closely associated to change. Not to mention since I'm single and 27, my mother can't resist criticizing my waning youth that's apparently being suffocated by enlarged pores. Even my father's joined in on the condescending territory my mother has more than adequately fulfilled by beginning and ending sentences with "you're not getting an younger." I understand how time works. Thank you.

I've thought about how much I've changed, how many people are still in my life, and which ones matter the most to me. I don't often worry about being able to maintain the friendships I've developed with local friends because I'm more connected to them. I see them regularly. I feel like if the friendship begins to slip away, I sense it and can work towards tethering to it or let it go because it's the right thing to do. My newer friends are also my adult friends. Life takes over and we lose touch, but we reconnect. That's our friendship works. But it's different with friends from my hometown.

I knew them since I was a teenager. I hang on to them more because while I want them to change, encourage them to, and even assist them with it, I don't want those changes to occur without my presence because I fear I won't recognize them. What if we drift away? By presence I don't mean physically. I just don't want to wake up one day and feel that they're nothing more than strangers. It's interesting that the things I fear are usually the things I should worry the least about and yet they matter the most to me, so I fret. When these friends change, even slightly, I'll feel it and it immediately brings me to a state of panic and desperate reassurance I impose on myself.

It's nearing a decade since I've left my hometown and I still talk to my friends from there regularly. I feel like we've survived the test of time, but the thing about time is that it's always moving forward. It never stops. What if one day we fail the test of time? That's my fear.

I should celebrate the growing years we've managed to stay friends, but instead it feeds my insecurity that we're coming closer to the demise of our friendships. We know each other so well that sometimes we send the most random and seemingly meaningless texts for each other. Other times we'll talk for six hours. So when I found that a close friend of mine was going out with another friend instead of talking to me for countless hours, the pang of being replaced took over. I never told him because these feelings are pathetic and embarrassing to have as it is. And I can understand why people think my feelings for him are more than platonic and I'm tired of repeating myself, but I'll do it in writing. I don't like him; sadly I'm just that insecure.

There are a few close people in my life I feel this way about, but I'm fond of certain systems and ours was being drastically altered from what I've become accustomed to. It's not just him. I have another friend who I texted if he's still alive cuz I felt like he's been MIA and I asked him if I'm just paranoid. He admitted that he's been preoccupied but I realized it was only two days that we hadn't communicated. Two days! Who the fuck trips off of two freaking days? And I swear I'm not usually obsessive like this, only when I worry that our friendship is compromised and I'm not used to these ordinary changes.

And my birthday rolling around made me think about where they'd be 10 years from now. But the truth is I have to stop worrying because we'll find out eventually. And no matter how much I fear and resist, what's going to happen will happen with or without my consent. I can't waste my time stressing when I could be living because our time here is indefinite and can be more brief than we think it'll be. So it's time to celebrate!

The Painful Difficulties of Defining Myself, Day 274

I struggle with the barriers that exist in defining myself which makes me question if I truly do have a strong sense of self. No matter how crappy life felt, no matter how helpless, no matter how painful, no matter how alone I felt in this world, no matter how much I was convinced that the world deliberately antagonized me for its own amusements, I always prided myself in my strong sense of self. I'm independent, I'm opinionated, I'm uncompromising, I didn't let things intimidate me, but lately things feel different. So many people say the same thing that this could read like a clique and maybe it is, but I'm only me and I can only feel what I go through.

For the first time I feel lost within my own identity. I may have gone through identity crises or transitions that I wasn't too proud of but through it all I was aware of the changes that were occurring as foreign as they may have seemed. When I was sitting alone in my soon to be just mine pad, the power of the blank canvas began swallowing me whole. I began realizing that this is my own space that's going to allow me an opportunity to identify myself in my own space, and I have no idea how to decorate it. I managed to turn decorating into an identity crisis nightmare.

It sounds pathetic and I can't properly defend myself and say it isn't, but it was genuinely horrifying. My place is supposed to be symbolic of who I am and display my identity. For someone who knows herself, I need others to define for me how to decorate my own space. Do I even really know myself? Maybe this inability to make this space my own without the help of others is actually an insight into who I am and why I need to be away from others. I grew up fast, too fast, that I skipped a couple steps and years later I'm realizing from a distance how much those missing pieces are affecting me. It sucks to go back and fill in those gaps after so many years as I see everyone else progressing forward, but I can't keep existing with pockets of emptiness inside of me. That's no way to live.

This Job Surfaced my Insecurities and Past Difficulties, Day 178

I have to do well at this job. I'm a Customer Service Representative at a call center. I'm still in training, but I have to do well at this job. It's not because of the standard this company has, although it is a factor. I'm vehement to do well because this job has surfaced insecurities and past difficulties I'm not ready to revisit. I've attached an overwhelming amount of significance to this job, more responsibility than it deserves.

I'm intelligent. It's not conceited of me to say this. It's a true statement. I've performed impressively on a variety of tests that support my claim. Yet when it comes to learning a new skill, I demonstrate greater difficulty than the majority of other learners. How is that possible? I shouldn't be stuck in the under-achiever category when I put three times the amount of effort as everyone else when I'm supposed to be intellectually advantaged.

This is something I've struggled with my entire life. I try to address it when it becomes professionally-relevant, but I'm quickly disregarded as modest and/or insecure. I am insecure, but I'm glad to report that I'm making progress towards the opposite direction. With that said, though, it doesn't make my difficulties any less true. I'm quickly portrayed as quick-minded and capable, so I'm intentionally placed in an advanced position I don't qualify in. I'm not able to speed through it the way many people estimate I will.

This isn't my insecurity talking. This is reality, an unfortunate one I have to prove. And in the process I disappoint others, which frankly I care less about because I gave them an opportunity to make an informed decision and they chose to ignore it, but it taints the image they have of me and it eliminates me as a candidate for future opportunities. It's like I get punished for their misjudgment, even though I warned them. And it keeps happening over and over and over again.

I'd rather not revisit that unpleasant occurrence. I'd rather just do well and develop the ability to learn more quickly and utilize the intelligence I'm fortunate enough to have inside of me. I was once told by a really good friend of mine that I'm too quick for my own good and it makes me too slow to get it. I come to a conclusion prematurely, unconsciously, with the very little information I was given. I construct an answer based on incompletely components, so by the time I receive all of the puzzle pieces, I find myself confused and lost in a maze of answers that are incongruent. How inconvenient and frustrating is that!!!!???!!!!!!!

I feel so behind because of this. I never quite belong. I'm too fast to be entertained by mediocre intellect. But I can't keep up with high-functioning intelligence. So where do I belong? I attract people in my life that orbit around my plane of existence and that means the world to me. The efforts of my friends make me feel less alone. I may live in a paralleled world from them, but they're always close by and choose to stay with me as close as they possibly can. I truly appreciate that, but I want to travel to their reality where it's more adaptable and more successes exist.

There are too many limitations where I live. But I built a life out of it. I feel like I have to break down those walls just to escape, but I'm trapped inside so I have to be careful that I don't collapse the building I'm stuck in. It's a strategic process, an intuitive art, and an exhausting task. But one I feel will be well worth it when I'm free.

The decisions I've made in the past still hold me back. I have to pay off the debt I accumulated when I wasn't making enough income. So I have to put off school just to pay those bills off. I have to be later on my credit payments to ensure I don't get a permanent eviction notice on my record that'll trap me here because no one would want me. I have to work twice as hard and find work elsewhere just so I can prevent a catastrophe from occurring as it's developing. I have to stay where it's unsafe for a better future trying to protect myself from things unknown and dangerous.

I'm open-minded because I'm curious and want to experience new things. But I'm just one person. My ability to experience multiple lives has its limitations, so I look elsewhere to gain that. However, I don't have the best multi-tasking skills and that becomes evident in my mental processes. Also because I enjoy over-analyzing and do it effortlessly just like I am now, so much of my energy and focus goes to one component leaving me blinded to the surrounding other pieces.

All of a sudden when I step back, there are stacks and stacks of burdens I can't manage. I'm too busy trying to keep it from building that I fail to realize that I should and can ask for help. When I observed others who asked for help, it was because they were lazy and lacked self-sufficiency. I made a negative association with asking for help and grew up in an environment where you can get by without asking for help. I became the person who'll keep walking with a sprained ankle even if I was offered a ride because I can still walk. I'm not paralyzed. Terrible mentality, I know. But I'm getting better. I didn't realize how distorted and damaging my perspective was because whenever I need and want something I ask for it. So naturally I assumed that I was getting what I needed.

It's like I opened up my eyes for the first time and realized the services offered to me and that I qualify for them. It wasn't as much of a pride thing as most people think it is. I just believe that those services should be offered to those who truly need it, and my "need-it" detector was calibrated incorrectly. I was starving, but I can miss a meal or skip a side dish and feel equally starved. So I thought it was just my metabolism.

*It's been way too long since I wrote this entry that I'm not sure which direction I was planning on going. So as incomplete as this entry is, that's as far as it'll go.