A Weekend Turned Week Hellish Nightmare

***For anyone I referred to this entry cuz I want a quick and effective way to explain why I was hospitalized can choose to skip certain parts of this entry and begin reading when the asterisks ******* begin.

All of my weekend plans consistently fell apart. It's as though this tragic event was inevitable and the universe was trying to keep me unoccupied for when it occurs. Initially I believed a Vegas trip was going to happen this weekend. But my friend didn't see my response until Friday evening or technically midnight of Saturday when he complained I can't believe I'm waiting for you to be let into someone's place when I should be in Vegas but everyone cancelled at the last minute. He proceeds to share that he tried to recruit others, but it was too last minute. When I reveal to him that I said I wanted to go, he frantically checks his text messages. Ironically the two of us were available to hang out cuz we didn't go to Vegas when we wanted to go all along.... =_____= Although it was certainly a good thing I wasn't there this weekend, I must admit considering the turn of events.

I was also invited to a huge party quite a ways away from the city, accessible enough but provides an adequate amount of distance from modern society to escape into nature, a community that lives as closely to a conventionally society free organization. They were having a huge gathering with food (mostly vegetarians and vegan menus as many of them abhor animal protein), music (since that area seems to draw some of the most musically talented souls), artists, travelers, gardeners, and so many other types of interesting people as well as other indulgences such as hot tubs, nearby hiking trails, and even hot springs!!! How I would've loved to have gone, but again it was best considering the circumstance it didn't happen.... Sigh.

Then I was invited to another gathering, which frankly carried less appeal but it would've been easiest to get to and I hadn't seen a few of them in quite some time. If it were any other day, I would've been more open to going. I'm just not sure if I was up to the task when I knew I'd rather be somewhere else, not that I wouldn't have enjoyed myself. As if it matters now... They're great people, but they're more friends of friends I get along well with. The reason they wanted me there was cuz it was going to be a huge celebration. One of the guy's girlfriend got pregnant and they'll be moving out of the country at the end of the month. That's quite newsworthy. It's unfortunate I wasn't there to share in the joy. But I had my own life changing experience set in motion for me that I had to answer to...

I contemplated whether I wanted to indulge my entire medical diagnosis on a public forum and decided to because I plan on writing detailed reviews identifying negligent practitioners who played a role in such a preventable outcome on my other blogs linked to this one, so full disclosure would be required.

*****BEGIN READING NOW TO FIND OUT ABOUT HOSPITALIZATION*******

I was with a guy I had an allergic reaction to, an experience I never had before i.e., vaginal discharge. I went to see the gynecologist, Dr. Frances Teng, MD who practices in Pasadena, CA. As many doctors do, I was given a series of antibiotics that never seemed to work. It also took quite some time to notice the correlation of the cause - sexual interaction. Note, I've always been diligent about getting tested for AIDS/HIV, syphillis, chlamydia, gonorrhea, and other common STDs. And again since the reaction took some time to form and because I was experiencing other stress in my life such as getting illegally but intrusively evicted from my apartment complex by my landlord while her husband was stalking me, my job being in jeopardy, and being a victim in a car accident only for the asshole to flee and continually harass me even after the incident, it was plausible to believe my gynecologist's assessment that it was a reaction to stress. But the symptoms never seemed to subside and persisted despite my diligent use of the antibiotics.

Eventually I stopped wasting my time and money on a treatment that was clearly not working since I'm not trying to develop antibiotic resistant cells which I'm sure by now I have already developed. What's worse is the doctor had the audacity to tell me that the discharge must be excess and no longer be a sign of an existing infection or perhaps when I wash myself, I'm flushing water in there and it's causing an irritation. =______= I've always been hygienic especially down there, and no I don't douche because I'm educated enough to know that contrary to popular belief, it can do more harm than good by killing off good bacteria. If you do an adequate job cleaning yourself, you don't have to flush your system of beneficial bacteria to be odor free.

Also I've been having fevers when I menstruate which is a classic symptom of an infection. However, I was told repeatedly that no infection has been detected and I was perceived as being agoraphobic. What's the point of being alarming when everyone thinks I'm crying wolf and nothing is treated? So I proceeded with my life and somehow a year has passed by me. Time is so elusive and has a way of passing us by incredibly quickly!

I wouldn't be surprised and expect anyone reading this to wonder why in the Hell I would let a year go by. But honestly what else am I supposed to do? I've been to several clinics and three different gynecologists. It's not like I didn't put in the effort. I was just running out of resources. I was also sharing this very private matter with a few trusted friends, too. Unfortunately my incident is far too common, but it's not information people understandably publicize. It's this unawareness that leads to hospitalization of something that should be preventable!

I'm no longer involved with the guy I had a reaction to and there's still even some question about whether it was him I was allergic to because of my symptoms. He has no STD's and has been involved with other women since me, and no one else seems to have this reaction. I feel so special... =_____= My symptoms have subsided temporarily and then resurfaced.

In fact, the two days before I became hospitalized which was on Sunday, I did have some heavy discharge I've never experienced before. But long before that, I developed a sharp and persistent pain on my left lower pelvic/abdomen area and my back left area which eventually spread to my right side, but the pain wasn't as intense, although sometimes it would be. Overall, my left side was far more excruciating in pain. It's amazing what the body adapts to. Since I have such a low tolerance for pain, I can't just whine about every sensation. It distorts my perception. I assumed I was being overly dramatic and ignored it until I eventually adapted to it. It certainly wasn't my preferred choice, but what else was I supposed to do? I took all the measures I possibly could by consulting medical practitioners that specialize in this field only to be assured nothing is wrong. I refused to breakdown about it as life passed me by.

How frightening is it that my body was trying to communicate with me that something is wrong only to go ignored by experts trained in this field? The pain was so paralyzing and debilitating that it woke me up from my sleep and I fell off the bed, unable to move. My entire lower stomach area was completely clenched, and I could do or feel nothing but be delirious from the torment. I knew action had to be taken, but I also intuitively and adamantly knew the answer wasn't to go to the Emergency Room because they wouldn't be equipped to handle this situation. They'd go based on statistics and waste their time testing me for food and other stomach related ailments, but I knew, I just knew it had something to do with the vaginal discharge I've been having.

This is an unpleasant thing to read, I know, but it's nothing compared to going through it. And I strongly urge anyone who's still reading this to continue since you've read so much already, and you my experience is unfortunately a common outcome for many sufferers. You might as well armor yourself with this knowledge, so if you ever come across anyone who goes through what I went through, you'll be able to offer some sort of insight. My friend advised me to not go to the ER as I had suspected but to go to an urgent care clinic which another friend had recommended me to. I went to Pacific Alliance Medical Center in Chinatown Los Angeles, CA.

I promise you it's one of the best kept secrets. Because it's a smaller institution, the staff isn't overwhelmed and are able to assist the patients being admitted. They're also caring and demonstrate human compassion, qualities I believed no longer existed in emergency situations and had accepted long ago. I arrived in noticeable pain, hunched over and unable to stand straight, so they rushed someone to get a wheelchair for me which made a world of difference.

I was given a cat scan rather quickly and they noticed a lot of cloudiness around my appendix, so the physician on site deduced it was either a ruptured appendix or an appendicitis. As with many physicians who go purely based on statistics, he was in all honestly rather narrow-minded. He was polite but ignored a huge chunk of valuable information I provided. I said I had pelvic pain and he pressed into the left pelvic area and listened to me as I described my vaginal discharge and said but that's completely unrelated. (You'll read how that's untrue before the end of this piece). I emphasized pain on my left side, and he kept bringing the attention back to my right side! He persisted if I had pain on my right side, and I agreed. But I said I also have pain on my left side. Then he asks if I have more pain on the right side, as though he's trying to fit my symptoms to match his diagnosis. It doesn't work that way!

Okay, so this hidden gem has flaws, but give me one medical facility in the United States that isn't laced with faults. He insisted I go into surgery, even though we had no idea which of the two it could be - a ruptured appendix or an appendicitis. Appendix related pain begins from the upper body and travels lower. I was exhibiting the exact opposite pain direction. So after some insistence, I was told I can have an enema which is when fluid is inserted into the rectum to get a clearer idea of what's going on around the appendix. The liquid would offer a color contrast, and it was through this painful, MISERABLE but valuable experiment that a ruptured appendix was ruled out. Then I was given a consultation with the surgeon who I immensely respect. I believe his name is Dr. Alfredo Jose.

Dr. Jose was immediately doubtful that I required surgery for appendix, which was such a relief for me cuz it's frightening how common it is for the appendix is removed even when there's no justification for one. And by that I mean they can't prove there's anything wrong with the appendix. I understand time is of the essence, but perhaps if less time and priority was spent on action i.e., surgery and more time developed the analytical and intuitive mind, unnecessary and uncostly procedures would be greatly eliminated and everyone's focus will go into treating what's actually going on with patients, rather than distracting tasks! Dr. Jose requested a pelvic sonogram, and it was discovered that I have an inflamed left ovary caused by either a ruptured cyst or an absess. The cause is still unknown. I also had an inflamed appendix. This led to a diagnosis of Pelvic Inflammatory Disease.

Pelvic Inflammatory Disease is a curable disease where inflammation occurs on the pelvic and spread to other organs. And this is why it was such a bitch to diagnose me! It's primary causes are an ectopic pregnancy or two common STDs, gonorrhea or chlamydia of which I have none. Although I did have an ectopic pregnancy scare. An ectopic pregnancy is when a pregnancy occurs outside of the uterus and inside of the fallopian tube. Because of its location, you can be tested negative for pregnancy when you are in fact pregnant, and a fetus can't survive in the fallopian tube. So it dies and ruptures inside of a woman causing unbearable pain. Now moving on to the STD.

You'll have to forgive me while I go on a rant but a valuable one, I promise! Did you know in 10% of STD positive cases, it'll show up negative if you're on antibiotics??? WTF!!!! You know how many people are on antibiotics? And exactly how much antibiotics in the system masks the STD? What about residual antibiotics? Cuz it does stay in the system for a while. Not to mention chicken uses antibiotics. And what about accutane and other acne treating medications? It's startling to think of how many people could be walking around with STD's and have no idea cuz this fact isn't being shared! Too many people are negligent about being tested as it is and rely on condoms as a safe source of protection. Now I find out that even tests aren't reliable, and this information is kept secret! How outraged I feel! In my personal case, I'm diligent about being tested, so I know I wasn't on antibiotics but still! Either way you look at it, it's a lose lose situation. I don't have STD's or an ectopic pregnancy, and my symptoms go ignored. Had I have had an STD, it could have been masked by my diet? Am I over exaggerating? Who knows! Since there's so much discretion about antibiotics masking STD's! It's just 10%, but what alarms me is the fact that this detail goes unexpressed!

The only thing they really knew for sure was that issues on my left ovary and appendix. I was given a culture test to see if it could be any other type of bacteria, but the tests came back negative. The doctor basically said we have no idea what she has, so treat her for everything under the sun including bacteria infections that won't show up on test results. ***Oh and I'm sorry I failed to mention that the first thing that was checked was my white blood cell count which was highly elevated at 18%. A normal person's white blood cell count is 5-10%. So there was undeniably an infection going on. But what that infection was went unidentified.

All this time I've been going to the doctor, and they never checked my white blood cell count. Had they have done that, they would've known something was the matter, that it wasn't merely excess water. Last time I checked, water was clear... -_____- At least now I know what should be examined, although I'm hoping future incidences such as these don't occur again. I'm not sure if gynecologists are even equipped to examine white blood cell counts. So if you know anyone who's suffering unidentifiable excruciating pain that's sharp, persistent, and long-term, please go to the closest Urgent Care and request your white blood cell count to be inspected.

I was put on seven different heavy antibiotics, demerol, a pain reducing medication, and an anti-nausea medicine, zofrane. All of these were through an IV. I could still feel everything with demerol, so then they switched me to morphine. If any of you know me, you know I'm tiny. But guess what? They gave it to me one evening and I was up on the phone with a friend until 6 am. He said we could talk for as long as I wanted until I fell asleep. We actually got off the phone cuz he had to go to work. My mom was surprised by how lucid I was. If I didn't move, I didn't feel much pain. But if I readjusted myself even slightly on the bed, all that pain came rushing back to me and was such a shock to my system.

To make matters worse, I began developing an allergic reaction to one of the medications, but we still aren't sure which one. My right hand developed bug bite looking things, but I kept my mouth shut cuz it could've been actual bug bites. However over time, my right hand began to swell. So they switched my anti-nausea medication to reglin. (Not sure if I have the correct spelling there). It could've been demerol, but I was already off of it. I went longer than I would've liked without anti-nausea medication cuz they were waiting for the pharmacy to supply it only to discover that the manufacturer hasn't made the IV version yet. During this time, I also had a really low blood pressure of 70/40. A normal person's blood pressure is 120/80, so they took me off of the morphine. Therefore I could feel all the pain and the nausea. In fact, I threw up which also became problematic because they decided to give me my anti-nausea medication in large tablet form except I was throwing everything up. Oh and the IV on top of my left hand was incredibly sore and the fluid wasn't pushing through the way it should've. So then they swapped it to my right side and the same thing happened.

It forced me to eat food, rather than receive it intravenously. Also when my blood pressure dropped, they replaced my saline solution with supplements that would increase my blood pressure. It was accelerated into my body, two bags quickly which really hurt and was very cold. I was already feeling chilly cuz I had a fever. I had one, it broke, had one again, this occurred three times during my four day stay. My white blood cell dropped to 13% which was a good sign that the infection was reducing and then my fever spikes, reflecting that my body is fighting an infection.... Great, just effing great.

Anyways I was told I could leave if I can keep my food down which was necessary since IV's were no longer working, and they weren't letting me leave without elevated potassium levels. Pfft! I felt horrible but finally I've been released, so I can share my story! :) But my life is never that simple, is it?

My job was a temp assignment, so they ended my assignment early since I was hospitalized... So I've been hospitalized and therefore terminated for it. Now I'm left with a HUGE bill to pay and no income. Great, just great.

Growth is Painful

Sometimes we desire things that aren't the most conducive, healthiest, or practical for us. It makes the most natural sense to eliminate it or focus on better things and yet separation from our desire, even the thought of it is painful. It makes growth painful. Why is that? Is there a part of us that enjoys or thrives from the pain? It doesn't seem right.

I'm used to emotionally not getting what I want. People think I usually get what I want, which is kinda funny when you think about it. I'm single. I live in a bachelor, a studio minus the kitchen. I have no car, no career, no relationship, and no family. Yet people think I usually get what I want. Those very people seem to not have a clue about what it is that I actually want. What do I want? I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want a life that reflects adulthood - an apartment with a kitchen, maybe a car, and a career. A job that fulfills me. I want to have a boyfriend and not because I feel lonely and am tired of being alone but because I want to enter the next stage in my life. I've exhausted this single scene. I want to connect with someone beyond a platonic level. Too much of one thing for too long gets stagnant, and platonic is what I have too much of for too long.

So the truth is contrary to popular belief, I don't usually get what I want. Most of what I've listed, I don't have. Sadly I still become paralyzed by fear. I'm so terrified of it that I create all the psychological facades to conceal it. Walk tall, head high, smile, talk with my hands, firm voice... People prey on the weak; insecurity, doubt, and vulnerabilities are seen as weak. I don't want to be a target. It's sort of like smile through the bullshit. Maybe it's fake to smile when you're devastated, but I think it's better than moping around. By smiling, I put others at ease rather than being down. I'm also acting out my manifestations. Not to mention studies have shown that the mere act of smiling produces happy chemicals. Do I find that it helps? Honestly? No, but I also can't feel an improvement from doing breathing exercises. It doesn't mean it doesn't benefit my body. So might as well right?

As much as I'm not materialistic, I don't like feeling inadequate and not having a kitchen makes me feel inferior. This is a great demonstration for why comparisons are dangerous and frankly illogical. I make more meals in my kitchenless space than people with full fledged kitchens. I'm resourceful, diligent, and my passion permeates through my restrictions. I should be proud of it, but I just see it as a limitation and setback. Just cuz I can make something work and make the best of it doesn't mean I don't want more or wish I deserved better.

The truth is I don't think I'll like driving, but I wish I could make an informed decision. Not having a car or driver's license is so adolescent. And it reminds me of how denied I was in high school. I was in foster care and transferred to so many schools that I didn't accumulate enough credit for having not stayed at each school long enough. I had to prioritize classes required for graduation. Driver's ed wasn't one of them. I also couldn't even take my test cuz I got fined for riding the bus without paying. I know the rules, but I didn't have money. My social worker was late in sending me my bus pass. It is what it is. It barred me from taking the test. As an adult, no one seems interested in teaching an adult who doesn't know how to drive. They see how clumsy I am on foot and they refuse to teach me. I can't afford driving lessons. They're out of my budget. I'm not trying to make excuses; I'm just explaining. After all there's no excuse for someone nearing her 30's to complain about something teenagers can accomplish. But it doesn't change the fact that although I've gotten used to and generally don't mind public transportation that when I list off what makes me feel deprived, this comes to mind.

I want to evolve and move forward. I don't see that happening. The jobs I obtain are shortlived and are the same type of positions I could've and did obtain in high school. Not having a college education is an undeniable factor, but the truth is plenty of people without credentials can obtain jobs above entry level positions. I have the personality and implied intelligence to gain a higher level position, but I'm unable to retain it. Maybe it was all the drugs I did that's affected my memory, but things I should remember slip away. I try to do what I can to improve my memory. I do memory enhancing exercises, eat healthy foods, and write everything down. It just doesn't seem to be successful. The only thing I haven't been able to do is sleep. I try but I fail at it. I wouldn't be surprised if that's a factor.

As for school, it just didn't work. I mean I'd get life threatneing allergies, sun poison, or severe reaction to medications, etc. If you've endured reading everything so far, I commend you for your resilience. I know I sound like I'm making excuses and I'm helpless. I don't believe that. I'm just explaining the things I feel and my past experiences. I really believe that school wasn't meant for me, and that's why it kept getting sabotaged. Things just kept getting in the way in a severely debilitating way. I took pre-algebra three times and failed three times. I was sent to see if I have a math disorder and apparently I don't. I've tried a series of math tutors, but I can't pass the class. Do you have any idea how ashamed I am to admit this? I'm sure I sound delusion when I say that I'm actually considered highly intelligent. So it's even more depressing. I'm either tripping, in which class I'm stupid. Or I'm telling the truth and I still can't move forward. Either way, it sucks. Now I can't afford to go to school anyways. Nor do I have a desire to.

I'm severely underdeveloped in the relationship department. I was a late bloomer, and I had my first real boyfriend as an adult. I don't think having a "boyfriend" for less than a month in school cuz we're such good friends and should try it out counts. We either just hung out as friends or bordered on avoiding each other cuz we didn't want to be affectionate. Those really don't count. The exact two experiences.

Everyone thought I loved my first boyfriend, but I didn't. Not really. I didn't know how. When people weren't around, I didn't miss them. That's how emotionally detached I was. I hate saying that I didn't know I wasn't into him considering how long I've been with him cuz it makes me such a bitch! And it makes me sound like a liar, but there's truth to it. The feelings that should've been there weren't, but I never felt the feelings that should've been there. Not then at least.

Since then I've developed deep feelings for some guys, but nothing ever really came of those relationships. And I may have at one point thought I wanted a relationship with them, but a part of me always knew why I didn't want that or why it wouldn't work. I'm now nearing my thirties and most of my friends are guys. They're platonic friendships. True story. And I'm not conceited when I say that I'm attractive. Modeling agencies have approached me, but I'm not the intimidating attractive either. I've done party promos and bartended. Guys who initially come around to try and get into my pants spend the entire night pining over their exes and not in the way to score with me. They simultaneously call their gfs while talking to me. My friends have made bets to see how long it takes a guy checking me out to get platonic. I used to go clubbing and encourage bets to make money for fucking crying out loud! I've stayed over at friend's friends places knowing the guy had the intention to sleep with cuz I knew the feelings would defuse. He'd talk about how much he misses his ex, get so depressed, and leave to fuck a booty call... Yeah...so it's really, REALLY difficult for me to develop relationships.

I'm the only female friend guys have when they don't have platonic friendships. Apparently I've taught them the value of opposite sex friendships. I'm glad I can open peoples' mind but my platonic energy is such an overwhelming presence that I feel like it debilitates me in the romantic department. And I'm incredibly picky. I've only liked four guys EVER. I know that's hard to believe, but it's true. And when guys I'm not interested in try to kiss me or get affectionate with me outside of a hug, I can incredibly uncomfortable. I mean it makes me want to vomit uncomfortable. So I go years and years and years without having sex and suffering cuz I don't want to experience flu-like symptoms. It's depressing.

I want to have that deep connection with someone. I was asked what my sex fantasy was not too long ago and I realized I want to have sex with my boyfriend. That's what I want. I haven't even come close. Not only have I not found anyone but no one seems to want to offer that to me. I want to go deeper in the relationship I have with people than the ones I've experienced most of my life. I want a relationship.

I'm not sure where I was going with this entry originally, but I'm deeply rooted in what I can best describe as depression without the emotional flair. It's like a boring, mundane kind of indifference and low energy.

I Have to Find MY Shoe Size

The more I try to fit into a world I don't belong in, the more I'll be lost and unsettled. I may not look forward to the seemingly endless search and what a relief it'd be to have found the end, but no amount of desire will make something into something it isn't. Substitutions don't work. I don't belong here. And I want to belong. So I have to find a place where I will...Sigh

Toxic Parents

We'll try this again cuz I wrote a couple of good paragraphs but the page blanked out. WTF???? LOL

It began a little something like this... Happy Valentine's day! I know, I know my title sounds inappropriate for Valentine's day. But let's be honest - life is hardly appropriate! Besides this blog is my sanctuary where I get to express my thoughts. I refuse to re-organize my feelings differently based on a Holiday I had no part in inventing. (This introductory paragraph is fairly accurate to my first one with the exception of this sentence).

I don't loathe Valentine's day despite the fact that I'm usually single this time of year or most of the time in general. Maybe I'm just too self-involved to notice the flashing tacky pink and red decor. I'm not saying that I don't feel alone, lonely, or inadequate as a result of my relationship status sometimes. But that's unrelated to V-day. I have off days, but they're rooted from internal issues. Not some external Holiday I barely even notice. Today began sweetly and I gained more insights as time progressed.

This morning I got a phone call from a friend of mine who wished me Happy Valentine's day. It was sweet. No one's ever done that for me before. Granted he was part zombie, it's the gesture that counts. Actually the fact that he was half asleep makes it almost sweeter cuz he certainly didn't have to wake up early to wish me Happy Valentine's day.

I also came across this fb status my friend posted: "Happy Valentine's Day! Nothing is better than the feeling of love. Although I'm single and all that jazz, I see this a sa nice time to reflect on all the other love in my life; you know, the non romantic kind. Spiritual, aesthetic, natural, family, friendly, and self love." What a beautiful thing to read first thing in the morning. It creates a positive perspective to carry throughout the day.

Another friend of mine posted a reminder that love should be celebrated all year long year. Today is just another day. Happy Tuesday!" When I read statuses like these, I'm grateful for the friends and people who have entered my life. What a beautiful truth to express and remind us all of.

I believe love should be celelebrated all year long, but that doesn't mean we do. So I do like the idea of a Holiday that gives attention to love where we can reflect on it. It gives us perspective. But with that said, the exclusivity of the Holiday can be hurtful to some. I bet companies that are looking to profit might actually find it to be more lucrative if they expanded the concept of love but whatever. Self-love and appreciation for all forms of love in our surrounding shouldn't be outsourced from an American company anyways.

On the bus I heard a woman on the phone talking about the relationship she has with her mom. I could relate aside from Jesus Christ, but I digress. She said that her mom always puts her down and makes her feel bad. She said she still cares and loves her mom but refuses to put herself in a hurtful situation over and over again cuz it's not fair to herself. People think it's so fucked up to isolate ourselves from our family cuz we shared the same blood, but we quickly and confidently eliminate haters from our lives when they aren't relatives. Pain and hurtfulness doesn't discriminate.

You know what that conversation left me feeling? Self-love is most important. The caller said her experience with her mother has taught her to not place her love in a man or any other human but in God cuz everyone else will hurt her; they don't mean to but it happens. I believe in a Higher being, but I think it's best to place love in ourselves cuz God is still an external source. How many people have you seen abandon the idea of God when things got difficult? Whether you believe in God or not, you can continue with your life and quite possibly fairly uninterrupted. But it's different cuz we can't escape ourselves. I'm not saying that God is any less important; I just think self-empowerment should be practiced is all.

My Anxiety over Crafts

I was sharing with a friend recently that I have an anxiety disorder. I think it's the first time ever that I've admitted that to anyone. I've mentioned in passing before that I've experienced panic attacks but never have I fully addressed the source of my anxiety or acknowledged its existence beore. I doubt it's much of a surprise for people who know me cuz I have the personality type, but I've learned to become kick back over the years.

It's weird. Anxiety disorders are overwhelming, burdensome, a huge deal, and yet it isn't cuz it becomes a part of you and your body learns to somehow adapt to it like it's ordinary. It isn't until you have episodes are you really reminded of its severity and impact. But even then personally I find myself proceeding with my life cuz I don't want to stop and think about it. I feel like I've never really had the proper calibration of intensity and seriousness to ever discuss it. If I say it nonchalantly, do I sound disingenuous? I certainly don't want to be serious and solemn about it, either. I'm clearly over thinking it.

Just bringing the subject to the surface has made me a little more aware of my emotional stressors. Even small things can trigger me but never to the degree anymore (thankfully) that I rant about it on fb. It just passes through me. I've come a long way. I can't even recall what briefly affected me, but I remember knowing that my intensity in reacion wasn't proportionate to the event itself. I tend to forget these things cuz I no longer carry it within me, but the fact that it still impacts me the way it does reveals that I still need to work on trainin myself to "match" the circumstance so to speak. I can't deny who I am, but part of the reason why I stress so easily is due to habit. Seriously.

Anywas I told myself last night that I'd work on craft projects, but I didn't get a chance to. There's a paper shredder at work I planned on using, so this morning I gathered all my craft paper together. I was surprised by how overwhelmed I became. I feel like it's inaccurate to describe it as anxiety, stress, or panic. But whatever I was feeling is an offspring or a relative of those feelings. Not quite overwhelmed, burdened, confused, and paralyzed but within those proximity.

I came across a coloring book I remember purchasing after examining all six coloring books at the art store for many hours. I was hesitant and intensely contemplative about which one to buy. I finally decided to get one that was abstract but included color photos of each drawing. I needed a cheat sheet. That put me at ease and I needed that "support" to proceed. This is a decision a child could make easily and quickly, but I struggled with it.

As I was sifting through the array of scrapbook paper, my creativity didn't ignite. I didn't see artistic collaborations forming and visualizing in my mind. Rather rejections of color clashes and inadequate color combinations filled my mind. I was over thinking and analyzing everything. Last night I remember thinking that obver analysis murders intuition. I believe that creativity and intuition come from the same source, so it's understandable that I was creating a blockage in creative energy this way.

After researching possible layouts for a notepad project, I believe I came up with one. We'll see how it works out. :)

Things to Improve

After making it a point to address that I’m not going to emphasize the New Year, I find myself focusing on it more and more with time. But I believe I’m being productive and conducive, so I encourage this process. Unlike New Year’s Resolutions that are too vague to maintain and quickly forgotten, I’m going to create a list of qualities I’d like to improve on. By concentrating on certain habits and how I should correct them, as well as the benefits of improving them, I’m more likely to work on them. I’ll be taking an objective look and incorporating constructive ways to improve them. I’ll not only be productive but by expressing how it’ll improve my quality of life, I’m benefiting from the rewards effect. It’s like a teaser of what’s to come, that feeling of being proud and wanting to keep up the momentum.

1. Stop procrastinating.

Problem: I’ve adopted procrastination at the mature age of 26. With my OCD and absence of procrastination for most of my life, I believed I escaped this plague. How wrong I was! As I began to work on how I manage my stress, I became less tense about ordinary tasks like paying rent and other expenses. Although it’s good to be on time, it’s unhealthy to panic at the idea that I might not make rent. I eventually discovered after having to face those fears that the world doesn’t end when I don’t pay my rent on the first of the month or I’m a little late on my credit bills. I now find myself procrastinating in many areas of my life because I’m able to sustain myself in my current condition.

Solutions: Break the habit! The key to procrastination is to get started. Even if I retreat to my procrastinating habits, I have to transition towards my goal. It’s emotionally liberating and I’ll realize my laziness is unfounded, which over time will reduce my laziness greatly. I began adding positive things I’d like to do on my to-do list, so I’m more likely to reference it and knock down the list. As much as possible, I’ll combine both an enjoyable task with a less pleasant one such as doing the laundry while talking on the phone with a loved one. Things like that. J

2. Stop being so insecure.

Problem: Being insecure is damaging to my self-esteem and I see no benefit in it. It doesn’t motivate me, and I find myself desperate to avoid people who might reveal to me how amazing I truly am. That’s irrational and unfair.

Solution: We’re susceptible to the things we tell ourselves, even and especially through subconscious communication. Our conscious thoughts are echoes of our subconscious minds. So I’m going to take the time to express and appreciate my positive qualities. I spend an unreasonable amount of time denigrating myself, I can and more than deserve a brief amount of praise early in the morning when I rise and right before I retire. When I find myself with free time, it’s also a good opportunity to remind myself of my positive qualities.

3. Don’t look at the worst in others.

Problem: For various reasons, I find myself seeing the worst in others. Sometimes it’s to protect myself emotionally. I’m more guarded if I think negatively of people. I also think the worst in others when I take something out of context to support my beliefs in my adequacies.

Solution: In combination to acknowledging MY positive traits, which include being a good judge of character and surrounding myself with positive people, I’m going to give the same courtesy and remind myself of other peoples’ positive qualities. We all have negative qualities, and I sincerely believe it’s important to be aware of them. However, I become intimately familiar with the negative stuff. It’s now time to know the positive traits. By focusing on their positive qualities, I’ll appreciate them more and get a balanced perspective. It’ll make me realize how silly it is to highlight a small, insignificant detail. And we’ll all be happier for it.

4. Make allowances for peoples’ mistakes.

Problem: I tend to be unforgiving of peoples’ mistakes, as though we aren’t human. I can be unhappy or disappointed by them, but I MUST let it go. I should hold hostage of it, so I have something to scrutinize. It isn’t fair and it does no one any good but cause insurmountable frustration.

Solution: It’s all about incorporating balance. I certainly don’t make excuses for people, but I can afford to make allowances for peoples’ mistakes. Sometimes when we’re moody, we say something that’s inconsiderate and even disrespectable. One statement shouldn’t overpower months’ consistent behavior. Keep that in mind when you’re tempted to emphasize displeasure. The truth is if I stay silent, I gain perspective and realize that it really isn’t that big of a deal. Sometimes I have to remind myself more firmly because I’d prefer disparaging someone and finding relief in it, rather than disciplining myself. But this is about self-improvement. So I MUST overcome my challenges.

5. Develop discipline.

Problem: I dislike authority. But I find that without supervision and no one to monitor me, I procrastinate. The truth is I could’ve made far more progress in the books I want published. In fact it wasn’t until late last year that I gave them considerable thought. And even then, I’ve come up with concepts and titles. Really beginning to write about it is a different story. I don’t want to rely on external sources to complete tasks I, as an adult, should be able to accomplish independently. I MUST develop discipline.

Solution: Get started. No matter how little I actually produce, I MUST put in the time and effort because even a little bit everyday is better than nothing everyday. Eventually the amount of progress developed will increase. I can’t wait around until I’m able to create an adequate amount of results in a short amount of time or else I’ll never get started. My goal is to take the time and write 2 hours everyday.

6. Not exercising.

Problem: It’s so easy to be sedentary. Without motivation or drive to make a change, I find myself immobile. The idea of breaking a sweat is more daunting than the actual result.

Solution: The only way for me to overcome my hesitation of exercising is to get started and prove to myself that the workout isn’t unbearable. Place sneakers and workout clothes by the bed and slip into them every morning. Go outside for a walk. Even something low impact is better than nothing. Once I develop the routine, I can increase the actual amount of exercise I engage in.

7. Stay connected.

Problem: Life has a way of shifting us away from the people we want to stay connected to. Sometimes I lose track of time until I notice a huge gap from the last time I spoke with friends.

Solution: Try to dedicate time to reconnect with friends. Maybe I can reach out over the weekend and weekdays during lunch hour. Wednesdays might be a good day to make contact with people. Or in the beginning of the week, I can plan on reaching people on specific days and follow through with it. I have certain friends I really want to reconnect with. I told them I’d like to see them at least once a month if possible. That would mean the world to me!

I’m sure there are more things I can improve on, but I’m satisfied with my current list.

A Lil About Me

1.

*I’ve decided (if I remember) to incorporate this “A Lil About Me” entry once a month. I think it’d be fun!

1. If I can have only three things in this world, it’d be food, water, and happiness. J As complicated as I can get, when it comes down to it, I’m a minimalist. I can live off of the requirements for survival and the requirements for wanting to sustain survival. I imagine happiness will also include things like passion, ambition, friendship, altruism, discoveries, etc.

2. Here’s a child oddity I experienced. When I was younger, I wasn’t allowed to have friends over and my family aren’t the most social people, whereas I’m described as so social I’d die if I couldn’t be around people. My grandmother from Japan used to visit by flying first class, and she’d always arrive with many slippers. One day I grabbed all the slippers and placed them throughout my room, blasted the music, and pretended I was having a party…

3. I’ve been told I can be a hand model and would love to try that out!

4. I have an amethyst crystal that’s absolutely stunning and unique. It deep like a cave or a cone and large enough to fit your head into. I’m serious! I have a fb photo album labeled “The Coolest People Ever” with their heads inside the crystal. A gorgeous, vivid purple and what a beauty it is!

5. My favorite charity organizations are Habitat for Humanity, Haitian Foundation, and Heifer Foundation.

6. I prefer books to movies because I’m incredibly strategic and analytical that I can usually predict a movie accurately. Since I’m not that mentally stimulated and provided with all the details, I’m able to focus on my thoughts and formulate the outcome. With a book, even if I can predict the outcome, it’s more dynamic and it keeps me interested. I appreciate the vocabulary used, the simple but beautiful way words strung together, surprised by how a simple statement is expressed unusually, and I use my own imagination to create the reality a book portrays. I can be exceptionally imaginative and vivid. I’m also able to follow things at my speed. If I’m temporarily distracted from a movie, I can usually catch up by a movie version of skimming books and stringing plots together. But a detachment definitely forms. No matter how many times I put a book down, it never seems so abrupt because my imagination tethers everything together more concretely than a movie where I wasn’t involved in its creation.

7. I really want to decorate my bath tub with the word “Be-YOU-tiful”. I read that quote somewhere and find it to be incredibly inspiring and empowering. Over time I wouldn’t consciously acknowledge its presence, but it’ll have such a positive impact on me. I think it’s great for every woman to have.

8. I’ve never been much of a beauty whore. I’ve experimented with being a makeup junkie in high school but found myself quickly losing interest. As an adult, I find myself enjoying clothes that flatter my figure such as skinny jeans, pencil and tulip skirts, tops that cinch to enhance my curve, coats that flare out, tops that are long to create length, etc. But most of my money goes towards food! No, I’m not fat. That isn’t why I don’t make beauty a priority. I appreciate feeling attractive, but I believe it should be natural. Waking up early to make myself up doesn’t seem natural, but I have to wear clothes. So I’m selective in what I wrap around my body.

9. I’ve never really enjoyed shopping. I like online shopping. No long lines or fitting rooms. People are surprised by how my clothes seem to be made for me. There are websites that indicate the measurements for bust, waist, hip, all of it. That kind of precision can be more valuable than trying on clothes that may or may not fit. Although lately I’ve come to appreciate thrift stores like Goodwill cuz they’re unbelievably cheap and impressively organized. Rather than paying fines, people do community service by organizing the store. And a lot of people get parking and speeding tickets, so these stores are often impeccable. I can quickly find my size or determine if I’m wasting my time. And there’s rarely a line for the fitting room. It isn’t at all a dirty trashy place I feared it to be when I was younger. And if you go to the ones near rich areas, you’ll find many clothes with the original tag still on!

10. Everyone seems to have found that one song they complete relate to. I haven’t found mine. A Mexican friend of mine said there’s a type of music called baracha which is sort of like romantic, emo type songs, and one particular song reminds him of me. But he refuses to share the details! It’s about a woman who gets premonitions and sings something along the lines of if only you knew how I felt for you, if you only knew what I saw….

11. I’d like to paint a “bed frame” on my way. I want it to be an Arabian door with inspirational words written in Braille. I think it’d be cool.

12. I’ve always been more drawn to go to Asia than Europe because I felt like I’d experience more in Asia. Not because I’m Asian, so I believed to relate with it more. Quite the opposite, in fact. I feel that the more foreign an experience is, the more intense it is. I thought I’d learn more in Asia. I have a lot of European friends who have told me that I have a lot of European philosophies, so I should travel to Europe. Ever since I’ve been told that, I feel like maybe Europe can be a place where I can identify myself with others. I know I’m not the only person who feels the way I do, but that’s how it seems sometimes and it makes me feel lonely.

13. I think it’s dumb to spend so much money on a wedding ring because if you lose it, you’re screwed! And why pour so much money into a single material possession? If I marry someone it’ll be because I want to spend my life with him. What better way to build our future than use that money to buy a house or travel and share meaningful experiences? Isn’t that what life is all about? Or at least that’s what I think.

14. I really want to make my own chakra wand. J

15. I fall into food love with guys! But it lasts as long as Kim Kardashian’s marriages. A guy gives me free food at the farmer’s market or hooks me up with a free appetizer, and it immediately goes on fb! Something along the lines of “I’m going to marry the Luigi’s boy for always giving me extra chips!” or “I’m in love with that guy who makes greens and ham hocks.” You can’t exploit that in hopes I’ll fall for you. It doesn’t work! Sorry dudes…

16. My current random thought: I think canning jars are seriously undervalued. People pour so much money into cups, glasses, Tupperware, and other dishes that canning jars can adequately fulfill. You can use it to drink beverages, store food since it’s healthier than plastic or metal, is great cuz it’s more space efficient than Tupperware, less issues with lids, can be used to pickle, and even to store dried goods or function as a vase. They’re so often overlooked. You can use it to store all sorts of things. Flours, sugar, buttons, sewing supplies, pencils, or even homemade beauty products like bath oils and bath salts. You can make homemade gifts in it, too. There are so many possibilities. They’re affordable and durable! It’s also easy to heat up, too.

17. I think one of the best things I’ve heard recently was from a friend of mine who said she has three sisters, but I fulfill that sisterly feeling in her. That meant the world to me!

18. I was a spelling bee champ, but my vocabulary doesn’t reflect how advanced my knowledge of spelling is. Quite a bit of people have expressed frustration over my “advanced” vocabulary which frankly depresses me because I’ve been tested, and sadly it was revealed that I have the vocabulary level of a sixth grader… I’m sure if I retake the test, my performance wouldn’t change much. I read a lot more and put an effort into learning new vocabulary. But the truth is I don’t remember them, so I recycle the same words I’ve always used.

19. The two most effective ways to keep me hostage is with food and books. When I go to a person’s house, I immediately like to see what kind of food and spices are in their kitchen and their book collections.

20. I procrastinate when it comes to craft projects. I think it’s rooted from my sense of creative inadequacy. There are a lot of things I think I’m terrible at – snowboarding, for instance. I should never be allowed to go. Every time I go, I either bruise or break my tailbone. Most people develop a sense of balance, but I never mastered it and I experience severe injuries. It’s never stopped me from doing it. I’m an intelligent person, but I’m unskilled at a lot of things – rock climbing, bowling, playing pool, many forms of exercise, ballet, zumba, karaoke, video games, chess….but it’s never prevented me from participating. Crafts, on the other hand, I avoid. I’ll let an entire day pass as I feel physical pain from boredom and still refuse to start the many, many craft projects I’m interested in trying.

I Don't Know When I'll See You

Here’s an example of my insecurities running rampant. I spend most of my time with this guy I’m seeing. It’s also become routine. I don’t mean that in a boring, predictable way but seeing each other is no longer something we plan; it’s something we do naturally. When he has to leave for work, he confirms if I’m staying at his place and asks me if I want him to pick something up. He’s comfortable with me at his place. He calls me everyday and we keep in touch.

Not much has suggested that we’ll part ways any time soon, and yet the simple sentence “I don’t know when I’ll see you,” has filled me with insecurities. He wanted to give me some food, but I wanted to go to the library and didn’t feel like lugging it around. So he offered to hold onto it for me.

I texted him when the library was closed simply to share. I wasn’t trying to hunt for a ride or anything especially since he was probably long gone from my area, but he immediately calls me back to let me know he’ll come and pick me up. That way I can take the food with me. He says, “I don’t know when I’ll see you.” Is it that much of a mystery? We see each other so often that I would’ve assumed I’d get the food not long after.

Usually I’ll make it a point to address questionable statements like this, but after a considerable amount of time, I FINALLY learned that it doesn’t go over very well. No one likes being presented with that. If I’m looking too into it, the recipient takes offense. If there’s truth to it and I recognize it immediately, the recipient becomes unnerved which makes perfect sense. When you’re trying to eliminate someone out of your life, it’s probably because you want to create some sort of distance. An extensive conversation is unwelcomed. And more than likely, it won’t appease me.

I did notice that statement right away, but I didn’t investigate it. I wonder if it’s because deep down inside I knew I didn’t want to know the answer, that I’m not ready to hear the truth. Could it be that I’m finally learning to not indulge in my insecurities? As much as I wish that were true, it seems unrealistic. Whatever the truth may be, only time will tell. No amount of obsessing over a mere seven words will reveal the truth only time can present.

I can be incredibly single-minded. It’s the end of the year. Instead of partying, he works and makes loads of money. He usually calls me after he gets off work, but I’ve practically been living at his place now. And a few times we fell asleep on his incredibly tiny couch, both of us. The next evening he said that he wants to go to sleep but if I want to watch TV that he’ll chill with me. We’ve only spent a couple hours resting on the bed. I imagine work was more brutal than normal, too.

Those reasons make it more than understandable why he may not have called. On the opposite end of the argument, it’s never kept him from calling before. Then again, these reasons don’t have to exist for him to not call. Things happen. It’s a waste of time and energy for me to get this worked up. I tried to ignore my concerns, but it just made it worse. I tend to tell people to address their insecurities, in order to eliminate them. That’s what I’m trying to do here. I want to put it into perspective.

It could’ve been a pre-meditative statement or it could’ve simply meant he genuinely doesn’t know when he’ll be able to see me. He doesn’t want it to take up room at his place. The truth is if it was pre-meditative, then it’s over. The last thing I should be doing is giving attention to something that’s been terminated. If I’m making a big deal out of nothing, that’s even worse because there’s no validity behind my obsession.

Instead of feeling better, I’m actually getting that nervous feeling. That weird, unpleasant sensation below my skin. Last time I felt that way I thought a guy wasn’t interested in being a relationship with me, which was untrue. Obviously that situation is different, but I want to remind myself that things aren’t always what I think they are. Thinking of it gave me a sense of relief.

The message I want to leave myself with is that I can’t change my train of thought over night. It takes time, but I want to change them. So when these negative thought patterns develop, I shouldn’t ignore them because then they’ll never leave. But addressing them shouldn’t become a tactic to engage! It should be to rid myself of them. And sometimes that means accepting that I won’t know no matter how desperate I am to uncover the truth, and no amount of obsessing will change this reality. Also, obsessing won’t bring me closer to the truth. I really should be more productive with my thoughts, time, and efforts.

What Do I Want Most of All?

Something dawned on me. I have a lot of thoughts, epiphanies, opinions, desires, ambitions, opportunities I don’t care about, missed opportunities, regrets, laughs, friends, clothes, etc etc. You get the idea. I’m plagued with excess, and it leaves me unfocused and cluttered. It’s taking its series of tolls on me. It used to make me feel overwhelmed until I adapted and became numb to them. Nowadays I feel empty because all this excess gives an illusion of abundance, as though it’s fulfilling in some way when it really isn’t.

For someone who’s so good at attention to detail, I’m not too great at focusing on the right attention. And sometimes the way to find the details is in stepping back. If something isn’t natural to me, it may take me decades before I become receptive to it, let alone be able to understand or execute it. Fortunately for me, I’m inquisitive by nature and passivity, if I do ever incorporate it, is temporary.

Lately I’ve been asking myself this specific question, “What do I want most of all?” My first and most important answer is to have emotional security, a sense of confidence in myself. I’m such a paradox. When I was younger, people would tell me they thought at first glance I’m a self-absorbed, egotistical, confident bitch. I’m so far from that, but I suppose it’s a façade I created. I began to emulate what I wanted and to an extreme.

Few people know how truly insecure I am and how much I doubt myself. I guess readers of this blog have a greater insight than some of my closest friends. It’s easy to pretend I’m confident. I get attention, and I have such an influential energy about me that few people ever oppose me. Any basic psych textbook can tell you the signs of a confident person is someone who walks tall and proud, back arched, head high up, smile, interact, make your presence known, and talk with a tone that’s firm, rather than quiet, meek, or indecisive.

A lot of people know this, but most people aren’t in control of their subconscious acts. I’m not saying that I have a greater sense of awareness. Not only would that be incredibly arrogant but also unintelligent. How can I measure my subconscious behavior? It’s subconscious! But I have consciously put in A LOT of effort portraying the signs of confidence. I used to look at girls who appeared confident and tried to copy their walk. I discovered the best way for my body to elongate, make my back sit so to speak where my back was properly arched and I consciously practiced the other traits. I have OCD, so it was easy to stay on track. I would tell myself, “smile, smile, smile, smile, God damn it, SMILE!!!” Things like that until it became natural.

I never let anyone in on my insecurities, so relationships were always the ones that suffered because in situations like that, you’re always exposed. I’m unable to expertly conceal myself by masquerading to be the exact opposite. It’s not fair to the person I’m involved with. It’s always been a problem but one that hardly arises as I rarely met anyone I was interested in getting involved with. My circumstance now just highlights this problem I’ve been ignoring for years. I don’t want to fix this for external reasons; I want it for myself.

The truth is I don’t think I realized how severe it was until now. It’s always been important to me to be a good friend who someone can open up to and trust. The energy I give off is the energy I attract and vice versa. I want to be aware of this, so I can exude positive energy. And there’s nothing positive about suppressing paralyzing insecurity and doubt that eats away at me like a poison I camouflage from the rest of the world. Energy is subliminal. It doesn’t pick up on my behavior but what’s inside of me, and this isn’t what I want to release into the universe.

When something can be interpreted positively or negatively, I reject any positive possibilities and always resort to the negative outcome. Sometimes I’m completely blinded to positive signs or will go as far as discarding it to maintain the consistency that the negative perspective carries. My mind is so strategic and processes information so quickly that it took me years to catch up to it and a lot of people pointing to my error of thought. The problem is not many people can navigate in my mind, so I ignored the statements that came my way as false input. I use negative statements people say out of error or anger, which we all do and use it as an anchor to keep me from being swept away in the moment.

I want to change. I want to just smile back without being suspicious. I want to be able to accept a compliment about my looks without my mind jumping to criticizing someone’s taste or inability to multi-task because there’s another girl more pretty right next to me. I want to apply for that job I know I can do well without experiencing feelings of inadequacies or feeling like I’m being deceptive and manipulative when I convince myself to give me that job because I’m convinced I’ll fail epically. I want to pursue something and move to the next stage, rather than staying where I am out of fear that I won’t perform well in a new environment. I want to be able to do things on my own for the experience, rather than hiding away from the idea of being rejected if I ask others and they have better things to do. I want to focus on my strengths, rather than my weaknesses. I want to embrace my strengths and practice them without guilt because I have weaknesses. I want to know my flaws and weaknesses, so I can strengthen them or know how to overcompensate with my stronger qualities.

Sometimes I’m shocked by the confidence and credit people give themselves. I think to myself, “No way you’re good enough for that!” Sometimes I’m right, sometimes I’m wrong. But does it really matter? It’s a toxic thought process. I’ve always been a firm believer that mistakes teach us more than always doing things right and offers us more meaningful experiences.

Yet I’m terrified of taking a chance because of the possibility that I’ll make a mistake. Rarely do I ever initiate things on my terms where a mistake occurs. Mistakes just happen around me and I’m effected by it. A lot of times it may not even be entirely my fault, but I accept the blame because I feel I deserve it since my contributions led to it, despite my objections or my intuition that indicate I’m wiser than how I’m being portrayed.

I could never understand girls who used to stare in front of the mirror for hours giving attention to their flaws. Just knowing I had them was so unbearable that I didn’t have the strength to face them or give them my time. Instead I immersed myself in such an effective distraction that I was sufficiently occupied. What I didn’t know then is how the feelings were still there and without removing them, they’d become systemic and contaminate me immeasurably.

It’s becoming harder to conceal my insecurities. I’m losing interest in maintaining my façade, but I have no desire to surrender to these beliefs, either. So I exist in this perpetual state of conflict that overwhelms me as life passes me by. I want to stop being so insecure because for me that’s my key to happiness. Insecurity is the brake that prevents me from truly enjoying life.

The Ten Things

It's hard to remember why I've kept my distance from my adopted mom and brother when they've always been supportive, caring, kind, patient, and understanding with me. That's the danger and damage with fear. There's this abstract darkness that influences your behavior to do what you don't want to do cuz it keeps you in a false sense of comfort zone. I guess I should just be grateful that I'm finally beginning to reconnect with the only people I consider family.

It's not fair to my adopted mom, but I think having such a negative relationship with my biological mom made me more hesitant to bond with her. Irrational fear. There's nothing more to it. All I ever used to hear from my biological parents is what a disappointment I am. Isolating myself from them made me forget about them, but I guess their thoughts continued to reside within me.

Since I've recognized their presence, I've began to let them go. I still have A LOT of work to do, but it's a start. I've also been talking to my mom and brother a lot more. Writing has always been the one constant in my life, and it's a real passion of mine. I'm good at it, and I'm always persistent. Virtually everyone has suggested I should make a career out of it, and while the idea appeals to me, nothing has resulted from it. So I'm forced to re-examine my priorities and take an honest look at what I truly want out of life. This has been an ongoing dilemma if you've followed my blog, but I'm FINALLY starting to feel like I'm taking it toward a positive direction. I'm so tired of saying I need to do something only for that insistence to highlight the emptiness.

My mother recommended I write 10 things I love to do and 10 things I'm good at. That approach is very logical and its purpose is very clear, and yet it's something I've never considered. I've put in the effort to do just that, though. Just like my mom anticipated, those two 10 things began to relate. Here's a list of what I wrote. If you're trying to decide what career you'd like to pursue, I'd suggest doing the same thing.

10 Things I Love to Do:

1. Writing for myself for emotional catharsis, perspective, epiphanies, and channeling that energy we’re all universally connected to (whatever it may be).

2. Having deep, meaningful conversations where I connect with people on a deep level

3. Eat food! Not just to be a pig but to really appreciate the quality of food and innovative ways it was used to prepare and make meals, discovering unique and unusual ways to re-transform something,

4. Have new experiences! I’ve always been diverse, dynamic, and open-minded. I like being stimulated and new experiences offer both an educational and emotional depth.

5. Help my friends, channel my emotions and intuitive nature in a conducive way. Everything has energy and I tend to be receptive to it. I feel my way around peoples’ energies or problems and can detect weak points, strong points, and then somehow gain insight on the best approach to help empower them in their goals and desires.

For example, I have a lot of creative friends and have been described as muses. I amplify what they already know but have suppressed in themselves, strengthen qualities in them they’ve neglected, and address concerns as a way to resolve them.

6. Discover new environmental solutions, multi-use from a single source, using something ordinary to make it extraordinary, re-transforming something plain and unsuspecting of something exceptional and making it exactly that. Basically I love developing ideas. I’m unconventional, untraditional, and rarely fit into any pretext of normality. So I have to individualize and personalize a lot of things to make it accommodating and appealing to me. I push the envelope a lot to see how far I can take something to the edge because that’s when things go alive. I want to see that spark give birth to something that would’ve never come to life if it weren’t for that extra little push. But I also like to do things differently, expand my mind, incorporate an unusual or uncommon practice to end up with something unexpected, and approach something with a popular and acceptable perspective but taking it a new direction, maybe with deviations or linear irregularities. Basically discovering ways to do things differently.

7. Study, practice, and incorporate holistic remedies. I like using mundane things for a powerful effect that’s unsuspecting. It connects and relates to my intuition, as well as my desire to separate myself from popular trends and façades. It’s timeless. It’s interesting, and as straightforward as it is, it’s profoundly educational and complex.

Pineapples become more than a tropical fruit but a pain reliever due to the enzyme bromelain. It gives things dimensions. You know how a girl or guy becomes more intriguing when they evolve beyond just eye candy but opens your eyes to a new world? It’s like that. You find ways to be constructively creative with things that ordinarily serve a limited or familiar purpose. Common things become new to you. Things begin to develop a greater purpose, and that significance continues to spread. The more you learn about how simple things like lemons can be antibacterial, furniture polish, intestinal cleanser, mental stimulant, etc., you become more receptive, intuitive, and conscientious in your actions, choices, purchases, etc.

8. Constructive creativity – this type of creativity I identify with the most because I’m very analytical and precise which are qualities that can interfere with a creative flow. It doesn’t always allow for things to form organically, but it’s also true to my nature. So I’m able to create something that’s most authentic and natural to me.

9. Brainstorming and collaborations – Everything has energy, and I’m receptive to it. I channel people and able to solidify abstract concepts into concrete and usable ideas and solutions to make visions more tangible. It’s difficult for me to make my own art, but I can see the art others are trying to produce and can help expedite the process and/or bring it to life. I need something foreign basically outside of myself, in order to make this happen, though, and that’s why I love collaborations. It’s like I travel into the multiple minds present, and I take and combine each of their essences and tie it all together.

10. Empowering people – I have a strong presence and have the ability to influence people easily. It’s an empowering feeling, and I like giving others a taste of it. I can feel the energy around me, and tremendous amounts of people are uncertain about their lives and insecure about many things. It can become overwhelming. Self-empowerment, on the other hand, is both exhilarating and grounding. I like knowing and seeing that I made a difference in peoples’ lives.

11. Bonus: I like dimensions, dynamics, diversity, and stimulation. I want to be kept interested. I’m more drawn to a little bit of everything than a lot of one thing cuz it gets stale, stagnant, familiar, and eventually no matter how dense the material is, knowing that it’ll still revolve around a common theme, it’ll make me lose interest. I like different angles and dimensions to things.

12. Bonus: I love eclectic, artistic coffee shops filled with diversity in decorative collaborations. Little bits and hints of flea market finds, worldly objects, modern contemporary pieces, vintage contrasts, local artists’ works (not just because it supports local community but also cuz it isn’t manufactured art, it’s fresh, different). They’re more creative, aesthetics is a visual display of diversity, and it attracts more interesting people who want to lounge and converse, rather than rush in to get their joe to go to their 9-5 jobs.

10 Things I’m Good At

1. I’m good at writing. I can express myself easily and clearly. It comes naturally, and it just flows out of me.

2. I’m good at helping people with their emotional problems, inner struggles, difficulty believing themselves, facing their fears, changing their perspective into a more conducive one, or in some way empowering them. My intuition highlights or brings to surface some sort of imbalance, and I’m able to offer some insight or perspective. I provide emotional comfort, clarity in perspective, and leave people feeling empowered.

3. Food related stuff! I can cook, I can eat, I can identify flavors and determine what compliments what, determine which foods are healthiest for various ailments and what foods should be eaten during specific seasons, and I’m also familiar with how certain foods are grown, raised, chemically-altered, and things of that nature. I’m knowledgeable in food from a thorough understanding of where it comes from, how it’s made, and how it impacts our bodies. I take holistic approaches to eating because I food the very simple but necessary, frequent task to be an empowering approach to managing our health. I’ve helped friends start their own catering company, create a menu specifically for people with food allergies, critique their dishes before they launch it at Costco, another major supermarket, or before presenting it to a reputable chef for a job at an upscale restaurant, etc. I’m very precise, direct, and provide constructive criticism. So my insights are often sought after.

4. Being open and receptive to new experiences. While I can be a homebody, I’m not afraid to try new things and, in fact, the idea of it very much appeals to me. That’s how I evolve, grow, and find inspiration in ordinary things like a simple hike. The newer and more foreign an experience is, the more it resonates and stirs a passion in me. Those are the things that give my writing an essence. That’s why I feel I naturally attract and gravitate towards worldly people who travel and have had an innumerable amount of experiences they can share with me.

5. Talking! I’m good at talking. I’m great at public speaking, and I have an influential and inspiring presence. My words and energy has power over people and carries the ability to captivate an audience. I can talk about a variety of topics confidently and articulately as long as I’m familiar with it. I can be interactive and people consider me to be interesting. I’m also very animated. I feel that I’d be good at voice-overs. I prefer long, meaningful conversations about philosophical and abstract concepts that are universally relatable to all of us. I love when I uncover or sense what’s significant in a person and drawing that out of them to somehow make it more vivid and stronger than it was before. In group situations, I prefer public speaking. I’ve done it before and found the audience to be receptive to me. In conversational situations, I prefer one on one because I’m able to focus more on a person intuitively.

6. I love experimenting with ideas and exploring my mind for possibilities of various things. It’s difficult for me to bring it to life, though, but when I collaborate with others, I do exceptionally well. I’ve had people who were planning to start a coffee shop or lounging area that has a focus of attracting a health-conscientious demographic share their ideas with me to ask for my insights and contributions of my own ideas.

7. I’m good at educating people. I write well, and I’m a good editor. I help people understand their mistakes but more importantly I give insights into how their writing can improve by making them understand their demographic audience. In some ways, I make them more intelligent and conscientious, so their quality of writing improves because of who they’re writing for. They evolve beyond proper grammar and fulfilling an assignment but demonstrate an ability to understand truly the purpose of the task. Why am I supposed to write this? Who am I supposed to impress? What kind of a reaction do I want readers to have? What impact do I want to make on readers? They look more deeply within themselves and project that depth onto the outside world. The more connected you become to something, the more powerful your work can become. I also educate people by informing them on the best foods to eat and other health related information. My friends have described me as 4/11. Even when I help people, I do it by empowering and educating them. I may just relay what they already know, but that knowledge is strengthened within them and becomes a more powerful presence.

8. I’m an excellent researcher, and that’s why I’m so knowledgeable. I study things I’m interested in. They tend to center around nutrition, holistic approaches, health, emotional balance, spirituality, environmental solutions, and finances (but in relation to how to live within your budget to be a healthy and balanced person).

9. I can make friends easily and quickly. I’m able to find ways to connect with people and strengthen that bond.

10. I’m photogenic. J I like the idea of modeling.