Vertigo in the Midst of a Hurricane

I have a friend who means so much to me that it kills me to see him suffer. After a series of irrational and pointless arguments I'm sad to admit I've been a part of cuz it certainly wasn't a one-sided argument, I began opening my eyes to what the problem is. I don't mean to come off pretentious, despite the pretentious aura, but it's not me. When others are angry, while external forces play a role, it's deeply rooted in the angered individual.

Anger only survives in us when an imbalance and susceptibility for it is present within us. When I stopped reacting and stopped taking offense to the attacks, my perception expanded. I saw what was beyond the surface. I stopped being a part of the problem long enough to see it's not necessary to defend myself because when I do, I give power to the toxic energy and that only makes me susceptible to reciprocate.

I've been struggling in my own way with this. I've yo-yoed through a series of feelings and positions. I empathize for his suffering cuz despite my vehement position that it's self-inflicted, pain is still pain and knows no discrimination. I remember suffering the way he is. I haven't forgotten how difficult it is to let go, to feel helpless, drowning in what felt like the cause and source of my happiness, frustration, resentment, and anger, unable to separate myself from every negative energy I could possibly be linked to and even more harder in some ways continue to proceed with all that weight and burden. I didn't know how to stop. Slowing down and taking a break was perceived as a form of weakness. Even though I desperately needed a break, I refused to allow myself of such a thing. And in some ways it was even harder that I could keep going this way cuz it was discouraging. If I can keep going like this and nothing seemed to change around me, my environment, my life, my actions, my surroundings, my annoyances, people, then how can it ever get any better?

And if I never thought it could get better, I didn't want to put in the work towards improvement I didn't believe I'd ever meet. So I self-destructively sustained and perpetuated the problem, which not only changed nothing but exacerbated existing issues, as well as invite new burdens into my life. I paradoxically both knew and didn't know that I did everything I could to suspend myself in the state I was in, but I manifested even more damage into my life cuz the intensity of my rage was so powerful and subliminal that I was attracting more of it. With my own limited awareness, as well as the input of others, I was aware of my unhelpfulness and uncooperation in the matter. But I also didn't see what was going on, and that's why I was like that.

I still don't know how I got past it. I've read of the struggle and of how things got better when it was overcome, but there never seems to be much detail in the how-to. The transition between Hell to better is invisible. I went through it. I wrote about it. I still write about it. And yet I can't string together the transition, the thread that led me out of that darkness.

If anything, surviving it makes me susceptible to being intolerant to my friend's difficulty especially since it is self-inflicted! My friend's much like me a nervous person prone to stress if he's not careful. But I don't react the way he does under fire. He's asked me more than once how I've learned to not struggle the way he does. I'm sure I frustrated him with my answer which was that I couldn't really tell him. Each situation is unique and we're different people. Even if I could explain how I overcame it, it wouldn't help him. That's what I told him. The details beyond this sentence were thoughts in my mind that I kept to myself. This is something he needs to deal with internally. My source of knowledge would merely be external references for him, an insubstantial measure. The answer I gave him was a calculated one, however honest it was. But my thought to his question was that I grew up and stopped reacting like an adolescent.

You're pissed cuz you have fines. You earned them when you turned on a no u-turn sign, drove past a red light, exceeded the speed limit, parked where you weren't supposed to, or neglected to move your car when you should have. By saving at most 3 minutes (and that's a generous time line), you got a ticket cuz you turned when you shouldn't, an easily avoidable act. You take the same route weekly and are familiar with the neighborhoods you drive through. These are conscientious choices on your part. And it's not like he was running late and had any reason or motivation to rush.

You get caught, while others get away with it. It's true, that's unfair. I'm not disagreeing with that. So then what? You wanna keep focusing on how it's fucking unfair or do you want to make YOUR situation better by making the necessary and easy adjustments? If you know what you're doing wrong and how that's the cause of your problem but continue to do it, then you're responsible for it. Other people are on the road just like you. Other people take the same route to work just like you. But not everyone is getting fined just like you cuz their actions are different from yours.

Instead of recognizing and accepting where the fault lies, which means he has to face his own self-criticism cuz he's unable to examine things objectively and without judgment, he blames the government and meter maids. Sure, our system's flawed. Meter maids want you to screw up, and our system is created in a way that our government profits from our mistakes rather than investing in responsible drivers. The citizens are the ones at a disadvantage at the end. But that still doesn't change how you're creating the problem for yourself as a conscientious driver knowledgeable of the law and rules.

There's no flaw in my logic, and he knows it whether I express it or not. It's obvious! That also adds to his frustration cuz HE keeps fucking up. He's upset with himself. And it's understandable. But nothing will get better if nothing changes. Knowing this he still continues to sabotage himself and then he finds himself over burdened and desperate to unload.

Sometimes you just wanna lash out cuz when you're filled with negativity, it has to be released. No matter how irrational a person's being, it's important to give them room to boil over so they can normalize. But there's a fine line between releasing the hostility and allowing it room to grow by feeding into it every time you express it. This has been building inside of him for a solid year now. A fucking year of bitching by an adult who sets his behavior up for this exact consequence. Seeing how his complaints and repercussions are the same, he's aware of the mistakes that it causes. So WHAT...THE....FUCK....

Things have gotten so bad for him that everything's an escalation from what it actually is. He let things get out of hand, and he's struggling to resume control. As a result, minor details enrage him as if it's 500% percent worse than it actually is. He's ashamed of his reaction and blames others for it cuz he believes it's triggered by the actions of others. So not only does he get livid when something he considers unacceptable occurs, but he's raging with anger whenever there's a disagreement and by disagreement I mean even minor, minor details. It's frightening how emotionally hostile he gets over matters that are so dismissive.

Wall art
Washing the dishes
Opening the blinds

He has this green wall shelf decoration. It's a huge box with boxes within it. It's decorative. You can place stuff on it, whatever you'd like really. It was temporarily sitting below the kitchen island when he first received it. They're both a shade of green and the color complimented each other well. I said I liked where it was placed. I know that wasn't meant to be there or will be there permanently, but I was just commenting on the unique placement. I'm weird. I like weird stuff. I mean, who puts a large boxy wall shelf below a kitchen island in the hallway area sitting on top of a carpet? Yes, it's odd and would be very misplaced. But is it so severe that it should be the cause of yelling and being condescending and rude and disrespectful? Fuck no!

I swear all I said is I like where you put it. He said it's not going to stay there, that it's supposed to be on the wall. I said I know, but I like where it is. It's different. He repeated himself and now in retrospect he expressed it with frustration and a mild tinge of hostility that it's supposed to be on the wall. I still said I liked it cuz it's unique.

It's as if he got upset cuz my belief was a disruption against what's supposed to be, and he has so little tolerance for things that aren't the way they're supposed to be cuz he's unhappy with his life and how he feels it's not the way it's supposed to be. I wish I had that epiphany while the argument was taking place. I would've invested far less energy into it. Since the conversation was so harmless in my eyes, I didn't realize the hostility that rose from what I poured into, my thoughts... I mean who would've thought it would lead to its ultimate destination?

So after I said it's unique, he yelled at me that it was stupid. What about a coffee table on the wall and an upside down couch? That's unique. It's different. And no one's doing it. Then he reminds me that no one does it cuz it's not supposed to be like that and it's stupid! Over reaction much? That should've been my response. That's it. I shouldn't have bothered to take offense over something so trivial and stupid. But I did. I got upset. I was hurt. I mean really devastated not by the words but the emotional hostility, disrespectful, and rudeness that carried those other powerless words.

A culmination of reactions like those made me face the undeniable reality that it's a lot less about me and more about him. I really doubt I was responsible for his actions cuz perhaps I was being rude, condescending, and disrespectful in some way outside of that brief conversation that stirred a hostility in him that could no longer be contained. And even if I did, he invented the walled coffee table and upside couch cuz a pointless, irrelevant hypothetical situation was able to so easily anger him. How is that on me?

He admitted to me that his friend pisses him off cuz he wakes up in the afternoon. He said it judgmentally about how he's unproductive and gets nothing done cuz the morning is when people should wake up. He and his friend aren't in business together. He's not losing profit. It's not interfering with them hanging out. When they're together, they enjoy each other's company. His friend's sleep pattern isn't disrupting his sleep pattern. He's in such a heightened state of anger, hostility, and criticism that he's conditioned to effortlessly identify things he disapproves of and lashes out at it relentlessly, even when those things have no direct impact on his life.

When his DVD player didn't operate correctly, he literally had a meltdown. I mean, screaming, the heavy panting breathing, and just flipping out. It was freaky. Not being able to find parking was so stressful for him that he began sweating profusely, he got clammy, and it got so bad that he got vertigo and incredibly pale and weak. His hands looked lifeless and he had little energy to move his arms. He could barely keep his eyes open. When he forced them open, they opened very slowly and his eyelids looked like they were weighing down heavily.

His actions leave me unsympathetic and pitiless towards him. But when it manifests into physical concerns, I worry. I mean, I really worry. Since I can emotionally detach myself and have learned to not get contaminated by his negativity, I have no desire to abandon him. He stressed himself out so badly that he got a fever and he recovered surprisingly quickly. A full day of resting made a world of difference. But he got angry when I asked him if he wanted to sleep on his bed.

I know some people take offense to stuff like that however well-intentioned it is cuz they perceive it as condescending or treating someone as weak. If I show that I care about you and you take it negatively, that's not my fault. With that said, I ask cuz I want my friends to feel better. If such a question will only exacerbate the situation, I'll keep my mouth shut. I can care about someone in silence. But in this case he wasn't mad at me; he was mad at what it represented, that he's sick. His anger didn't last, though, as he could barely stand. I accompanied him on a two hour ride which should've totaled to four hours but actually lasted six hours cuz I was afraid that his fever would relapse. He was barely able to keep his head straight just hours before.

I can't tell someone like him to not go for a drive. It'll only anger the rebellion, which is likely to weaken him. I had to ask him to take me to Robeks as a favor to me when I wanted him to get some nourishment. He admitted to me that it helped and gave him a boost of energy. He said it was easier to move. If you could barely keep your fucking head up and your body feels weak, why the fuck would you be behind the wheel?

I'm glad he's safe, and I don't regret ensuring that. Every so often, I told him I wanted to stop and pee. He would get annoyed, but each time I felt like his focus was shifting was when I made these requests and it always ended with him saying I made a good judgment. It's frightening to think of what could've happened if I wasn't there cuz I've seen him struggle going up three flights of stairs. He'd walk like a drunk person and be completely sober. But I'd rather he not be like this.

I'd rather he return to the positive and happy person he used to be. I wish he'd face the difficulty he's trying so hard to ignore as a way to overcome it. I wish he'd stop focusing on small details and see the big picture cuz it takes time even after realizing the big picture to shift our moods that have solidified in negativity. I wish he'd stop being a victim to fixed beliefs that productivity should dominate and step away from engaging in inefficient tasks and meditate where he used to. I wish every time he has an opportunity to get upset and complain about the cause, he chooses to do somethign else, anything else. Listen to good music. Think up three positive things to say. It sounds cheesy, but he has to change his habits.

Being negative has become a conscious, subconscious, and unconscious habit. It's become a toxic lifestyle. To change it, he has to actively engage in positive thinking. His brain probably hasn't released happy chemicals in so long that he has to alert them and entertain them before they become operational again.

I wish he would realize how important he is and make himself a priority. Yes, the clutter in his apartment is stressing him out but if twenty minutes of trying to clean it up leaves him angry for six hours, then he needs to take a break rather than try and push through it. It may not seem productive to go to the beach for a day and do nothing cuz he'll have nothing measurable to show for it, but sometimes the most valuable things are immeasurable. I wish he would realize that.

I won't abandon him right now as long as I can stay positive through all of this, but I don't want to have to be disciplined and focused to stay anchored. I'd much rather be doing something else rather than babysitting an adult from himself. I know he didn't ask for me to turn him into my responsibility and I know it sounds incredibly condescending. But I'm not exaggerating when I say he could drive off and get into a car accident. Something has to change cuz if it doesn't, I won't be here. Right now he's continuing down a road deeper and much darker. I won't be able to stay above the negativity for much longer and when I run out of breath, I'm going to go on survival mode and he'll be alienated. I care about him, but I refuse to go down with the ship.

What Would I do if I Won the Lotto?

Interestingly enough, this is a blog topic on my to-do list. With the huge jackpot, I find it an appropriate time to elaborate my thoughts on this. When I was younger I was adamant that having a lot of money wouldn't change me, but that was rather naive of me. Everything changes us all the time. What we do and what we don't do, every experience that we go through and are exposed to changes us even in subtle ways. To inherit a ridiculous amount of wealth, it's impossible to not change.

Much in the same way I became anti-domesticated because of gender role exposure I had growing up, I was experiencing another extremist position. I was brought up told that it was a woman's job, place, and purpose to cook, to cook for her man. I thought that was the most condescending, disrespectful, and dumbest concept of all time. I still believe that. Women in my culture are often seen as inferior cuz our role is within the home. If we're so inferior, then why is it that men are unable to do it themselves since it's so simple was often my snarky response. My dad was helpless in the kitchen. My response went unanswered with the remark that I'm a child and I don't deserve such an answer cuz it was an adult's world. And yet I was expected to be a part of this adult's world by cooking. I wasn't having it.

I refused to contribute to a belief I didn't have. It wasn't until I lost the TiVo remote and saw the Food Network channel for an entire day that I rushed to the grocery store and began cooking because I didn't want what restaurants offered; I wanted what I saw on TV! Those exact dishes! I was in a relationship with a guy who did the cooking at that time, so I didn't mind it. This experience showed me that I can cook without compromising my feminist integrity. It's empowering to take my health into my own hands, and I'm important enough to make a priority. So cooking is one of the best ways to do it.

When it came to wealth, I had the same one-sided distortion, that money corrupts people. So I was determined that it wouldn't happen to me, but the truth is I would've been far more susceptible to it then than now. Not every change is bad, and I do want to change if I came across such wealth since I don't plan on letting it sit in a bank. I want to enrich my life, allow myself experiences I wouldn't otherwise have a chance to have, and make the world a better place with my resources.

My perspective has evolved a lot more since I thought about wealth cuz my focus hasn't been on money. So what would I do if I won the lotto? I'd donate a substantial amount to some of my favorite charity organizations such as Habitat for Humanity, Heifer Foundation, and Haitian Foundation. I'd also invest resources into finding the best organizations for other causes such as animal rights, children suffering from cancer, health insurance, and a myriad of other concerns. I'd create a list of as many issues and uncover the best charity organizations based on how much money goes into the cause and how the rest of the money is distributed. I don't want to waste my money on organizations that re-circulate most of the funding into marketing. That doesn't help the people who are in need.

I'd like to be anonymous. I wonder if that's possible. I wouldn't change my life instantly. I would continue to go to my fairly entry-level job as a receptionist, while I brainstorm how I'd like my future to change. Since I read Personal Finance for Dummies and I'd have no excuse for being not being financially-responsible, I'll invest my money into mutual funds like money market funds, short-term bonds, and long-term stock.

I'd get my mom a place. She just had reconstructive knee surgery, so I'd like her to live in a place that's easily commutable. She's finally able to move, so I want her to be located in a central spot where she can enjoy her surroundings like a nearby beach, coffee houses, bookstore, and other social spots. She may be old, but she's not dead. Trust me. I call her and she can't talk cuz she's in Vegas, while my brother and I text each other on Friday and Saturday nights while we stay home...

I don't want to give her an allowance, so to speak. As much as she'd love to have a house, I'd refrain from it. Please hear me out. It isn't cuz of the money especially since it's so substantial! It's just that she's a very kind and generous woman. People tend to take advantage of that. I'd like to see her in a small apartment that's appropriated to accommodate just herself. She needs to learn how to make herself a priority, and she won't do that if she has a huge house that allows her to sustain her current entertainer status. It's that very habit that forces her to live paycheck by paycheck.

I want her to not have to worry about money. I want her knee to recover in the best way possible, so I'd like to hire a physical therapist and fitness trainer that specializes in treating knee recovery patients. I want her to have the freedom and opportunity to take time off from work so that she can properly recover, rather than force herself to work to make rent and live paycheck by paycheck. But I don't want to make her life so comfortable that she won't go after it. I want to empower her and give her the tools to enjoy life. So maybe once she learns to make herself a priority, I'll reconsider offering her a huge home. But I won't do it if people are going to continue to deplete her financially and emotionally. It's not fair to her, but she's an adult. She holds responsibility for how others treat her especially in her own home.

Also I feel that I'd be doing the world a disservice by giving her so much money that she'll never have to work a day in her life because she's intelligent, perceptive, open, observant, helpful, empathetic, compassionate, caring, hardworking, and an advocate for others. We need people like that in our world. I want her to have her own workshops, so she can create her own schedule and do consulting work. I want her to continue to help others.

I'm not sure what I'd get my brother, but it'll have to considered. He's a talented chef, and maybe he'd like his own restaurant. I told my mom about a coffee shop I'd like to have and the ideas that I want to incorporate. She really likes the idea of me pursuing it cuz she said it's filled with innovative ideas. The coffee shop or more like coffee lounge would have a very different identity from my brother, but maybe it's a project we could both work on. Who knows. It's definitely a thought I'd explore.

I currently live in a bachelor, which is basically a studio without a kitchen. I want to finish decorating it. I want my chakra painted, a mural painted in place of a bed frame, and a wall decal of some inspirational words. I would put it all together, and I'd stay there for a while before I move. Decorating is a way of expressing our identity through design. It's not just about getting a bigger and better house. I want to repaint my dresser, too!

I'd go through my bucket list - skydiving, sweat lodge, see a psychic, get my aura read, take sewing lessons, learn French and American sign language, travel with a high priority for India and France, jump off of a waterfall, get a purple flower tattoo on the back of my left shoulder with a lotto bonus which is to find a tattoo artist willing to ink me when I'm sedated. I also want to dive deeper into crafts. I keep wanting to complete a bunch of tasks like making a journal, creating a memory box, paint an abstract image, origami, candles, soaps, jewelry, purses, etc., but I never do. Maybe I can hire a crafter. I'd like to do something similar with cooking, but rather than get a chef, I want to create a class where we can gather and make food together. Obviously I won't need to charge people and can supply the ingredients. It'd be a nice thing to offer for people who can't afford classes and would food. It can be centered on foods that can be frozen, pickled, and stuff like that. Multiple meals can be made in a single day and brought home.

I want to start a non-profit for homeless mothers with children who have no history of drug abuse. I want an apartment complex dedicated to these families and function as sort of a halfway home. I want there to be a community garden where the women take turns taking care of it and growing produce they can consume. I don't want to put funding into existing programs such as job orientations cuz it's a waste of time and resources. Even with my wealth, I don't want to waste it. I don't want this to be a free ride. The women will have to be productive. If they aren't working, then they're making food for homeless shelters or involved in some sort of volunteer program.

I'd like a food truck where salads and mashed potatoes are sold. These ingredients can be grown on site, making the costs affordable. A food truck is easier to maintain than a restaurant and since there will be no meat served, it's much easier to meet the health code standards. Portability is a definitely plus. The type of meals being served doesn't require culinary experience and is easy to train, too. Work can already be provided for them.

The one thing people forget in these situations are the children. They're suffering too. I'd like to offer a gardening class, a hiking trail, art class, or some sort of activity for the kids to be a part of. It'd also be good to have, so children have supervision when their mothers are working.

My co-worker said she wants to start a non-profit for immigrants who are trying to enter this country. She'd go through a detailed evaluation to determine the best qualified candidates and provide them with funding to live here legally but only offering resources to people who will contribute to this society. She also wants to create an organization for children who have incurable cancer. I'm guessing she wants to offer them opportunities that'll make their condition more bearable for them. That's such a great idea and I respect her for it. I'd work with her on creating those organizations.

I have a friend I want to invest in. I'd like to give him the resources to start his own bakery. I want to be cautious about giving money away to people, so I'm not sure how I'd approach that yet. I'd compile a list of people who matter the most to people and consider what I can buy them. And maybe it'll just be cash, but I'm really not sure at this point. So far this is my list. I really would love to travel, though.

Certified Holistic Nutrition Coach???

Fluctuate freely. A friend of mine sent those words to me recently in an email and it filled me with a sense of warm comfort and quiet relief. He isn't one of those people who don't have goals in life or a career path, either. He's just receptive to change and what the universe offers as it comes along, unpredictably, fluctuatingly, and everything in between. I need to remind myself of this cuz a small part of me is hesitating to get excited about this since I have a habit of becoming a hostage to inspiration only to release myself, unmoved not long after.

I have a long list of great ideas that others could truly manifest and maybe if I were a Type A personality I'd be able to do it, but I don't have the drive. I'm selective in what I want and do put my energy into. I gravitate towards writing, food, nutrition, and holistic health. A Certified Holistic Nutrition Coach can be the answer I'm looking for.

It fits my interest and timeline. I can be a stellar student, but I tend to start strong. I do best in short-term consolidated classes where people burn out, rather than a lengthier schedule. Plus tuition is expensive. The longer I'm in class, the more it's costing me. Not to mention that that's time I'm not earning money, and I still have expenses.

And the unfortunate truth of the matter is I'm terrible at math in a debilitating sort of way, educationally speaking. Don't get me wrong; I can do basic calculations in my head or by hand. But I can't even pass a stupid pre-algebra class. We're talking pre-requisites! The only reason why I graduated middle school is cuz I was advanced into geometry and trigonometry which I excelled in. I know that sounds cooky but my principal clarified it for me. Algebra is technically easier, but it's also more abstract whereas the more advanced math is more formulaic. That made it easier for me to understand. However in college you have to pass the pre-requisites which I haven't been able to do. I've been referred by multiple math professors to get tested if I have a math disorder. I don't.... But there's some question about why I'm not performing well cuz I demonstrate comprehension by explaining it back. Regardless of the uncovered mystery that's causing this, I no longer want this to be a reason why I can't find a career.

I have a friend who's intuition I've learned to trust and he's told me on a number of occasions that I should do something with nutrition and holistic health. It's not that I disagreed with him, but educationally it didn't seem feasible until now. I have other career ambitions that relate to this and can potentially expand further! I'm no longer considered with the end result cuz that's undetermined. I don't want the unknown future to discourage me off this path.

The Halfway Point

I've been considering moving for quite some time and if anyone's been keeping up with my blog, it's not new information. But I've started thinking about it more recently. So much so that today I began browsing craigslist. I'm still uncertain if this job will turn into a permanent one, but part of being intuitive is developing confidence in myself because imbalance distorts perception. For someone of over confidence, perhaps humility is required. In my case, however, it's quite the opposite.

Time will reveal the outcome. No amount of contemplating will advance the answer to me any quicker. (My how much I've grown. LOL) Anyways I'm going through the typical series of considerations, but this time I'm not narrowing my choices or blind to what my choices are. Despite the many jobs I've had, this is the first one that's closeby to where I live and easy to commute to. People live nearby where they live all the time, but I've never experienced this before.

I really enjoy the convenience. People used to be appalled by how far away I was from everything - friends, work, school, home, etc. I just thought it was my life. Now I like to call it standards. :) So nearby commute is a priority. By enjoying the benefit of it, I won't feel so depressed or imprisoned to a higher rental fee. I used to get briefly jealous that others always seem to find better deals than me. That pang of envy didn't last long since my life hurricaned one disaster after another.

My chaotic life forced me to not be petty. Now that I have time to feel how I feel, I'm not wasting it on asinine feelings and directly them outwards. I'm really taking the time to focus on what matters to me cuz the truth is no matter what decisions I make, there's going to be some sort of challenge somewhere whether it be exchanging a long commute for cheaper rent or higher rental fees for a closeby area. With that mentality expressed, I want to be open and receptive to cheap rent nearby. :)

Finding a place with utilities included would be wonderful cuz I've gotten used to not budgeting, which I could get away with cuz my expenses are pre-fixed. When I have to pay something, I pay well in advance so I don't have to deal with a bill monthly. I only charge on my credit card what I know I have money for. I withdrawal the smallest amount of $ I possibly need for food and only access that for food. I do the same with credit cards. Having a bank nearby is a super convenience! Gotta factor that into my moving, too.

I want to move even though I love my space cuz I don't want to become stagnant, and I can feel myself drowning in it. Part of it has to do with my habits, but it's also cuz I don't value my space. Whether my space is clean or cluttered, it feels the same to me cuz it's lacking that flowing energy. Even when I practice feng shui cuz I'm no longer stimulated and excited by it. I need something new.

It was a great experience to learn to cook huge meals without a kitchen and let go of a lot of my material possessions. It's quite liberating actually and I never thought I'd enjoy being a minimalist cuz the excessiveness of my life comforted me. It shielded me from the chaoticness of my life but what we give off is what we take in. Now I surround myself with less things and I'm lighter, so I attract lighter energy. That's a valuable lesson I couldn't have learned without living here, I believe.

But now it's time for a kitchen. A balcony to grow plants would be nice, too. Sometimes I get premonitions. That's when I see into the future clearly with quite a bit of detail. It doesn't always come true, but it's more solid than a mere thought which can be my free mind accessing intuitive possibility which may sound like the same thing but it's not. However, I can manifest it. Finding a balcony with my budget close to work seems unlikely, but I found something promising on craigslist already. If I continue to manifest my desires, I believe more doors will open up.

So let's review. An apartment with a kitchen for sure! Easy access to work. Preferably a balcony for plant life and utilities included. Washer and dryer must be on site. I'd like a space with hardwood floors or else I may just pull the carpet out. But what if it's damaged with holes? Can any amount of glossy finish fix nicks? Now that I've visited the parania realm, I'm returning to my happy place where I focus my energy manifesting positive desires.

Where I live now, you can hear everything. Walking around makes audible noise. I have no desire to go through the trouble of installing a TV, but at my new place, it'd be nice if it's a possibility. I don't plan on buying cable or anything. However, I'd love to be able to turn on workout DVDs. I'd appreciate that greatly cuz I want this space to be healthy - healthy holistically, nutritiously, emotionally, physically, spiritually, decoratively, artistically, mentally, internally, musically, and socially. Wow, I covered a lot there and I really should give them attention.

I'm going to let the thoughts marinade and return to them tomorrow. I'm beginning to realize the value of processing things subconsciously, rather than surfacing them analytically before they've had time to blossom and fully develop. Shuss for now!

Lessons for the Future

I began texting with a friend who wished me a Happy New Year…..Eve and asked him if he was doing anything special. He responded with it’s all pretty special but I know what you mean. He’s not much for the glamour of things, which I appreciate. I expressed how to me it’s just another year. New Year’s symbolizes something meaningful because of the power we give it, and although it’s beneficial to dedicate a time where we focus and prioritize on our future, it doesn’t mean much to me. It’s true and yet facebook has a way of expanding my train of thought.

For some people, it’s more than just another year to knock off the list and appreciate it as an annual tradition, but it’s truly a meaningful event in their lives. I have friends that have survived divorces and been stronger for it, attended their children’s funeral, and went through some of the most devastating experiences. But they’re changed by it and they’re left feeling empowered and grateful because after a long tedious, struggle, they’ve come out on the other end. They’re finally beginning to feel and understand the value of the pain they had to endure to be where they are today. I’m moved by their experiences just by reading it on their statuses. It’s heartwarming to know that they’ve evolved and grown into more conducive individuals.

My life hasn’t been quite the rollercoaster. I went through a Hellish experience at age 24. Then at age 25, I was recovering from it. At 26, I began processing it. At 27 is when I became receptive and understanding to the lessons. But somewhere along the line, I also became stagnant and under stimulated, which I suppose is understandable considering how intense the past few years have been for me.

I’m now ready to approach 28. I feel like I’ve spent enough time in hiding, contemplation, and recovery. I have no idea what’s in store for me, but I want to take this time to chronicle what I’ve learned. Those things are important to give attention to.

1. Don’t feel bad cutting people out of your life.

This has something I thought I was relatively comfortable with because I haven no problem being honest or direct. But when things aren’t black and white, I find myself floating around and waiting until things become irrefutably unacceptable. During this process I’m making myself vulnerable to it. I try to give people chances and not everyone is blatant in their disrespect. Some people are subtle and cowardly about it.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people make plans with me and not cancel but just don’t show up at all. It puts me an uncomfortable predicament where I find myself feeling guilty, whiny, and self-entitled because it disrupts my entire schedule. I live in LA, and I don’t drive. I can’t just occupy my time doing something else until you give me a ring and then meet up with you when you call by hopping on the freeway. I don’t have that luxury. But it’s not anyone else’s fault that I don’t drive. So emphasizing it makes me feel bad, but it doesn’t take away from the truth. It’s definitely a factor. Then again, it’s not even a factor that should be brought up.

In the world of texting, you can’t let me know you won’t be able to make it? Sometimes technology goes haywire. So I give the benefit of the doubt and I’ll call, assuming the text didn’t go through. There are times there’s no reception, but calls don’t go straight to voicemail. I yet again make allowances. Then perhaps I’ll try fbing them, but don’t I sound stalkerish at this point? Of course I do!

I’m frustrated with the efforts I have to put in and feeling insecure about my actions. If someone were to describe my behavior, I might understand why this person is being avoided, which of course leads me down a spiraling emotion of inadequacy. The direction I take it is on me, but being put in this position was unfair and I wasn’t alone in it. We all get faced with things we don’t necessarily want to do, and we all indulge in escapism at some point. But we’re adults now.

We’re responsible for our actions. If we don’t want to spend time with certain people, we should be honest and direct about it. What’s worse is I’m not always the one initiating the hang out, making people vulnerable to not telling the truth. These same people who ditch me are the ones that not only talk about making plans, but select the dates themselves. So then I feel guilty when my intuition tells me my friends are lying because I don’t want to think negatively of my friends, and honestly their behaviors are unintelligent. I consider most of them to be bright people.

I basically invest a lot of energy running in circles and not accepting my intuition. I may care about certain people, and I may even miss them. But that doesn’t mean I should continue to make allowances for them. As great as it would be to catch up and have a great time, I’d rather surround myself with genuine and honest people. So it’s okay to stop putting effort into people like this. It’s okay.

2. Things always become more difficult with resistance.

Why is it that we complain about how things are so complicated and difficult, but we, ourselves, behave in a way that sustains it? It’s illogical, but we do it anyways. It’s so innate in us that I don’t think many of us realize how our actions are, at times, the very source of difficulty. We subconsciously do things we aren’t aware of. That can leave us helpless and vulnerable, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to understand it because it’s only through awareness will we be able to correct it.

3. Without effort, there will be no progress.

As an adolescent, I was full of energy that poured out of me in different ways. I was stubborn, resilient, difficult, and persistent. I prided myself on not surrendering or weakening when surrounded by people who only believed in my failure. I was ruthless in my pursuit to prove them wrong. I wasted so much energy into something that I should’ve never given attention to because people who are going to be singleminded and judgmental about me aren’t going to become open-minded because I did what they doubted I could do. In my experience, they become insulted that I proved them wrong. Do I really want the approval of people like that anyways? Not really.

When I finally had that epiphany and I decided to do what I wanted to do, I found myself at a loss. Without others doubting me and being presented with obstacles to overcome, I wasn’t motivated to do much. There was no passion or desire in my actions. I’ve spent so much time trying to find what I want to invest my time that I’m becoming discouraged.

I may be interested in something conceptually, but there aren’t enough details for me to make an informed decision. So then I’m not inclined to put in the extensive amount of effort to explore it. It’s a vicious cycle. What’s a girl to do?

I certainly don’t like it, and I find myself often discouraged. But never have I considered giving up. I take more breaks than I’m proud of to regroup when I feel like I haven’t done much, but I won’t give up, which means I have to keep going. So I have to constantly remind myself that I do all of this because I want to find purpose and meaningful in my life and in my actions. “Without effort, there will be no progress.” However discouraging and put off I am about putting in the effort, it must be done to reach my destination. End of story. No matter how much I despise it and complain about it, it must be done!

4. Make decisions based on my intuition.

First I had to accept that I was experiencing intuition and recognize it for what it is. Then I had to be receptive to it because if I wasn’t, I didn’t know what I was experiencing. I felt this dull, un-definable sense of feeling that plagued me and felt out of place. I couldn’t shake the feeling, either. It became disruptive until it became almost background noise that I got used to.

Now I know what it is. I trust it enough to guide my friends with it. I trust in my ability to be intuitive and accurate. But I still hesitate in executing decisions based on it. It isn’t because I have doubts in my ability; it’s that I take comfort in the familiar. However, my intuition is there to guide me in the right direction. If I ignore it, there are consequences that occur. They keep trying to instill the same lesson in me. Next time listen to avoid this. And that’s what I have to do.

Dear God, Goddess, Creator, Lord, Allah, Universe, I Speak to YOU

I imagine you’re beyond words and description anyways. Please look into my heart and help me put the puzzle pieces together. I’m lost, you see. I don’t know what to do with my life or where to go. Paradox of choice, I suppose. I’ve been floating around for quite some time, and I’m growing unmotivated and discouraged as time passes. I feel burdened and weighed down by an abyss of nothingness, and it’s exhausting.

I believe there are signs everywhere, but not every sign is good. So showing me signs isn’t necessarily helpful. Even exposing me to them if I’m unable to recognize them is equally ineffective. I’m intelligent, observant, and aware. But somehow I keep missing them for whatever reason. So please assist me in both showing me the way, as well as making me recognize them. The useful signs.

I’m asking for this assistance because I want to live a life with purpose where I’m fulfilled professionally. Of course, I have other desires. But right now I need to obtain employment with purpose. I’m sick of landing bullshit jobs that eventually slip away either due to incompatibility I know the universe is partially responsible for sabotaging to make me available to uncover or create what’s best for me.

I can do bartending. I can do crap retail jobs. I can go to school. I can travel. But I want to know which one is best for me. Part of that is defined by how receptive I am to it and making the best out of it, but I know there’s something deeper I’m meant to do than what I’m doing now. I need your help.

I really, really feel like school isn’t the path for me. Maybe it’s my belief that’s manifesting that reality. And without it, it could totally be my light. But I have to follow my intuition. You know when you’re exposed to something negative and you find yourself overwhelmed by it? Well I think of school and it feels like a heavy, torturous waste of time. I don’t have the discipline or desire to be there.

Duh, we all have to do things we don’t want to do. But it’s more than that. This isn’t a childish mentality. This is something deeper inside of me projecting this. Besides if I try to fight it as I’ve always done my entire life, I’ll never move forward. I don’t want to waste any more time in a classroom when it doesn’t work for me.

I feel isolated and out of place from either world. I’m smart but not enough to hang in the real world, being hurled into a job without the training. I’m not able to pick it up on the fly. I’m deceptive like that. I give the impression and appearance that I can, but it hasn’t worked. I’m not saying this to be negative but to be realistic and honest. In a classroom, I’m unmotivated, unexcited, and it actually kills my spark of interest. It does more damage than good. I don’t enjoy bitching about this. I wish I could just make it work in either, choices. But I just know there’s something else I’m missing. Please help me figure that out.

We all have natural talents. And when we find a career harnessing that, we’re happiest. Writing is my natural talent. So something with writing. I love the idea of something altruistic. I need a job that’s going to allow ideas to grow and manifest, but they can’t just be voiced ideas. They’ll have to come to life. I need money! I can’t live off of minimum wage. But without an educational background or proper work experience, anything that barely relates to what I might be interested in which is a desperate perception as it is, leaves little room for proper compensation. PLEASE HELP ME!!!

Purpose Through Employment

While I can't say stagnancy has left my side, the air that's lifted around me and my recent exposure to the stillness has made me particularly sensitive to the transitional elements between both states. I realized that stagnancy is heavy but builds slowly, so you never see it until it's too late. You only know its presence when it's paralyzing and by then your senses have significantly deadened. It's imperative to snap out of it but where do you go? That's how I kept wasting my time. By waiting for something to whisk me away, move the energy around me, or find something that'll allow a shift within me, I was rotting away in the stillness of time.

When we become victim to stagnancy, we search and long to escape it. But that's a poor approach because finding something that exhilarates us takes time. It's without a doubt worth exploring, but sometimes a swift change in environment is what's needed. So putting forth our efforts and energy into a long and tedious task is an error. As my state of mind began to alter, I realized we have to manifest our desires through our emotions, that intensity that stirs in us that stagnancy has made doormat. No matter how much we disconnect to it, we're human. We're emotional by nature. It's just a matter of tapping into that. In our innate humanity exists our desire to soar, tap into that and we're able to lift from our funk.

As I took my first breath of fresh air in a long while, I was immersed in an abstract energy that's still lingering around me. Maybe that's what's protecting me from becoming stagnant again. I've spent more time exploring what I want to do with my life, a tireless task and one that's become more and more mundane which is kinda self-defeating when you think about it. But this time I didn't delve "deeper" the way I normally do. My version of delving deeper is a formulaic approach of analyses that buries me deeper and deeper into facts, while separating me from an untapped passion that at best has simmered. I don't know if I was aware of that before, though.

I've been doing this same dance around job, career, a need for finance to survive in this society, etc etc. I'm tired of seeking jobs, not careers, because it leaves me unsatisfied. It's terrible for my self-esteem. And then I feel weak for so easily feeling inadequate over a job. Why am I that invested in it? But searching for careers is just discouraging as I'm ineligible for so many of them. And I can feel in my core that going to school isn't my path. I'm running out of time. I shouldn't be wasting it sitting in a classroom where I feel stifled and under stimulated. I know I'm missing a link.

I always tell people about how important it is to take the time to find your true passion, no matter how time consuming and discouraging it is. We either put forth the energy towards obtaining a life that we truly want or we wither away, merely existing. If you can't find what you're looking for or it doesn't exist, you have to create it. How is it that I express this powerful message with alarming results of epiphanies in others and it's only now I'm sensing its true power? Even though it came from me. I guess it's true what they say. You never really know your own light. It's hard to know yourself until you step back and take a look from the other side. Only then are you able to get a glimpse of what others see.

Sometimes all I need is a little exposure to open my mind. I realized that I'm going to overcome this stagnancy and protect myself from future attacks by searching for purpose through employment. No more weakening myself over the power of words like jobs and careers. That just leads down an overbearing path. By doing this, I'm open, receptive, and I look forward to this endeavor. It's been a long time since I've felt this way.

I've looked through cruise jobs and a few non-profits including teaching English as a second language. I'm hoping to obtain more knowledge towards non-profits. But I'll need some sort of income. I'd love to work with kids, do something educational, maybe start a community garden, be a youth group leader/coordinator, help build shelter, or counsel people.

Without the educational training or employment experience, compensation will be low. Then again, compensation in these fields are low anyways. Had I have gone to school, that extra cash flow would only be distributed to tuition loans. So I'd essentially have the same amount of play money as I do now based on my experience and background. Money is only prevalent in this society because it's required to sustain a living.

I'll need a roof over my head and hopefully these organizations can offer me that. Then I really won't need a lot of money. Food is of course also a factor. I imagine myself being in a community area where food will be shared by all, and I'll be more than happy to grow and cook for contribution. I really hope I find the resources, existing organizations, and the courage to proceed with this.

The idea of traveling to a foreign country for a long-term project away from friends and the familiar comforts of my life is not only unimaginable but paralyzing. Not paralyzing in a frightening sense but I sense no movement in it. Obviously movement will have to occur in order for this to take place. As much as I pride myself on being independent and exploring opportunities, this makes me hesitant. If someone gave me instructions on exactly how to do this, who to talk to, all the answers were provided for me, and I was told when to depart, I'm more inclined to follow. But as an adult, I'm expected to gather this information on my own. Without it, I'll be unable to proceed.

During which time I can procrastinate. I'm also afraid to let go. I've never really been the relationship girl before. I've also hardly met anyone I've been interested in. Maybe it's because finally I have or because I'm getting older, but if I leave this world to enter a different country, I reset my course of life as I know it. Will I separate myself from a potential mate? Will I be restarting the searching process? Will I become that woman who does great deeds with no love in her life? (I'd rather not fall prey to that Pisces fate). Or is this the path to find love? All these dizzying questions make me want to stay where I am and run into the arms of someone who can keep me warm at night. But that won't bring me PURPOSE THROUGH EMPLOYMENT AND THAT IS WHAT I SEEK!

Help Me to Find My Career, Universe

I've invested more than enough energy expressing my dissatisfaction with my recent employment status/record. I can't seem to retain a position but for only a brief amount of time. I'm beginning to appear like I have a retention problem. It makes me look bad and when a pattern develops, I can't deny the fact that I'm a factor in all of this. What am I doing to cause this?

Well there are a number of reasons I've observed - incompatability. Sometimes it's a result of inadequacy on my part for fulfilling the position, sometimes it's an unavoidable set of circumstances that led to employment termination on either party. Or maybe it was initially a short term arrangement. The interesting thing is I find myself more unmotivated and transparent, so when a job doesn't fit me well or isn't conducive to my self-growth, things occur to expedite what almost feels like an inevitable end to that job for me. I'll even become paralyzed with exhaustion. It's more than procrastination, but I'll find myself unable to move or sleeping through an alarm clock that goes off for an hour when I naturally wake up much earlier than that. Weird barriers begin to form.

I'm beginning to wonder if I made a vow in my past life or if my subconscious made a promise to the universe that's causing this, but I'm starting to feel like until I find a job that's conducive to my self-growth that

The Lesson Has Been Beaten into Me I Hope....

How many times have I whined adamantly that I never take the time to be happy and only post not so happy moments on here? I'm not afraid to reveal to the world that things aren't great, but I'm terrified to indicate any hint of something going well out of fear that it'll slip through my fingers. The problem with that logic is that both good and bad things will enter and exit my life. If I only give the negative stuff attention, that's what's going to resonate in me. So the next time something great happens, I'm going to try extra hard to express it and resist from retreating. We'll see how that turns out...

Splashes of Hope

"Splashes of hope is all you need to flood and drown your doubts. But you gotta turn the faucet on."

I just created that quote. And considering what just happened and what I'm going through, some may worry that it's a dangerous path I'm walking. I'm not convoluted. I didn't create this quote to create a false sense of hope to suffocate reality or truth. In fact, a truth I may never truly know isn't even the case right now. Sometimes it's just better to let things go, and that's what I plan to do.

Since it's me, yes, I'm doing it to sabotage any hope or possibility that may or may not exist right now in my life. But this quote isn't about that. It's about hope in general that I constantly ignore. I was watching Pink's Fuckin' Perfect music video and saw that girl turn her failed test score F into a funny face. She turned something negative and re-transformed it. That's what i want to turn this experience into. Take that hope from this experience and instead of reinvesting it into that, I'm going to take it and use it for something greater, more powerful.

It's My Turn!

I'm not saying I'm not selfish or inconsiderate, but I spend so much time caring and showing concern for my friends. I invest so much time and energy supporting and encouraging them to be conducive for their self-growth, even at my own expense. I exhaust myself in the process. I even remove myself from the equation when I think it'll help them in succeeding their goals because I serve as a distraction.

It devastates me to see my friends suffer. But when I suffer, I don't notice it and I'm used to it. I'm now 27 and I'm still single. I come off so adamant, dominant, and confident. I'm expressive, so people don't realize how much I hold back. I vocalize superficial stuff like I want to eat here, I think this, my opinion on this is this.... things that won't burden them if I impose my preferences over theirs. When it comes to revealing a part of myself that terrifies me and can lead to my happiness, I hide in the shadows behind excuses and sometimes even twisting other peoples' words so I can stay hidden and unexposed. Sometimes to be happy, though, I have to express myself.

John Mayer's Say

Take all of your wasted honor

Every little past frustration

Take all your so called problems...

Say what you need to say

Say what you need to say

It's better to say too much

Than never say what you need to say

I'm finally beginning to understand that. Hesitating cuz someone might not want to hear it or might not be receptive, a possibility I can neither confirm or deny only keeps me behind. It's time I step up. I believe that the energy we give off is the energy we attract. The clearer we are to the universe, the more likely it is to reciprocate and assist us in our goals and desires. I need to start articulating especially the things I fear the most. Yes, it's possible I could say the wrong thing and ruin everything. But mistakes offer the most valuable lessons. I'm tired of learning, but clearly I still have a lot to learn.

And what if I don't make a mistake? There's always that possibility. I can't predict outcomes, so basing my decisions on potential sabotage consequence isn't worth it. I always hesitate out of fear I'll mess something up and I haven't gotten very close to what I want. So obviously I need to take a new approach.

The Reason Those Barriers Exist

We have barriers in our lives. Some are put there by others, while the ones I find most dangerous are the self-imposed barriers, the ones we place ourselves. Sometimes our subconscious does it without our knowledge, so how can we ever battle it out when we aren't aware of it despite our own doing? Every situation is different, but in my case I don't think barriers are meant to keep me away. I believe they're there for me to overcome it since I mistakenly placed them there as a safety precaution triggered by unfounded paranoia and insecurity.

I started a writing workshop and I found myself struggling to produce any material that might go into the book, you know a beginning, middle, and an end, an actual story. Of course, it doesn't have to go in that order. But much like a relationship, I've forgotten how it all began and am only left with the remaining feelings. How can I ever write a compelling story if all I'm able to express are the bad? That's nothing more than bitching.

To make this story readable, understandable, compelling, captivating, it has to be convincing. I have to share readers how it began for me, how I got hooked, an instrumental key to show why I was there and how the unraveling began in my presence. It turns out I haven't moved on like I thought I had. Life just happened, and I got distracted. It's not like I think about that part of my past. I do believe my emotionally attachment is a factor, but more importantly I don't remember the good. So I'll have to pull inspiration from others, and I can do that. I'm just amazed by how quickly the mind can eradicate the good when something toxic enters. Even memories which you'd think can be preserved get obliterated.

Well, when is life ever easy right? Sometimes barriers are meant to be overcome so we can feel accomplished. There's no pleasure in an easy task. We all like to feel worthy and sometimes the more barriers we build, the more desperate we are to overcome it cuz our fears and inadequacies are eating away at us and we want to shut it out for good.....

Life is So Fragile and I Don't Want to be the Drowning Man

I'm not particularly a religious person. I'm spiritual, though. I believe that when the universe wants to me to go down the most conducive path for my success and spiritual growth, it becomes apparent especially when I try to resist it for whatever reason. I also know that I have a powerful energy and strong will; I have the ability to manifest my desires when I focus.

I need a job. I've been needing one for a while. I've been lucky enough so far to make rent, but living on temp gigs that may or may not approach is so risky. Since I'm not working and it's summertime, I've been going to a bunch of pool parties where my friend's friends seem to have reputable jobs with some extent of authority. They work for the city or state. Nowadays, it's all about networking and who you know. No matter how qualified you are for a job, if no one looks at your resume, you'll never even be considered. Accepting their help to get my foot in the door sounds great, but I don't like the idea that these guys are offering me assistance as they stare at me in a bikini. That's an understandable resistance, but it's my pride interfering with an opportunity to have steady income. So on the opposing end, that doesn't sound particularly logical to refuse, either.

I didn't decide to budge because I'm getting desperate financially because if that were the case, I would've skipped through the whole stubborn melodrama cuz eventually I was going to hit an inevitable financial plateau. Then what? I resort to what could've helped sooner? Well, that's dumb. But I went camping this past weekend and there's something enlightening about being close to nature.

As much of a free thinker as I'd like to think I am, I haven't escaped social conditionings and perceived notions. Pride clouds my judgment or is at least a factor. There's always going to be opposing thoughts and reasons to hesitate with virtually anything I do. So at the end it boils down to what is worth pursuing and what isn't based on my desires, priorities, and such. In nature where I'm free and I don't have to put up a barrier where I have to defend my validity because I'm a girl, the things that matter the most becomes most audible. I NEED A JOB!!!

And when I'm not too busy being prideful, I'm able to observe that many opportunities like these keep presenting themselves. It made me think of a Christian reference of a man who was drowning and refused to be rescued, insisting that God will save him. After many attempts to save him were unsuccessful and he dies, he asks God why he wasn't saved. God said I sent you rescuers, but you denied them every time! I don't want to be that drowning man.

Maybe this isn't the most ideal way for me to get a job according to my notions of what's considered acceptable and isn't which is subjective to begin with, but when is life ever ideal? My friend's daughter has been fighting cancer for years now, and recently she passed away. Do you think she would've opposed assistance to obtain an opportunity that's much needed? Probably not. A teenager was shot in San Francisco by police, and there's an outrage going on about that, even though death happens all around us. Another friend lost someone in his life. Another, her grandmother. Life is so fragile. I don't want to waste the time I have here over trivial matters.

I'm nearing my 30's as a high school dropout and I have no college degree. As with many things in my life, there are reasons but none of which truly matter cuz while the stories are interesting and outrageous, the truth is it doesn't change the circumstance. I believe there's more than one way to succeed in life, and it isn't through education. I have to find the path that's right for me cuz the universe seems to constantly re-direct me away from sitting inside of a classroom and steering me more towards the battlefield, exposed and right in the middle of it all. I guess I'm gutsy enough to hang. Sometimes, though, I wish I could use a break but whatever, things can be worse.

I'm not ready for a serious relationship cuz I can't even get a job and my biological clock is ticking. Not that I'm really tripping off of that now because regardless of my age and my body, I have desires separate from those factors. But the problem is that I'm so behind in my own life that I have to work harder and faster to catch up, so WHEN I'm ready, not when my age or society tells me I should be, I want everything else in my life to be more or less developed so I can pursue my desires.

A Breath of Fresh Air

I'm going to try and remember how I felt at that moment cuz I find it important.

I'm by the beach today. The cool breeze surrounds me and fresh air fills my lungs. The clear blue sky and the mellow yellow sun is having a relaxing effect on me. I feel this presence around me. It's the opposite feeling of the calm before the storm. What's that called? I've never had it before. It's this quiet contentment. It's like something amazing is waiting to happen as time and energy shifts to make room for something greater to evolve within existing confines. I get a text and it can mean one of two things. Before my panic creeps in, I see a sign that reassures me that it's the good message. And what an incredible sign that is. Of all the things to come across!

Pomegranate Corn 9

I realized something since I last blogged (yesterday). I shouldn't wait until I return to a previous state of mind which may or may not present itself before I express what I want to express. (Double express? I gotta expand my vocabulary and also stop being so critical of myself! Such a distraction that is!) Back on point: Feelings change; they're fluid, they grow, they alter, they dissipate. It flows. So what we once felt at a given moment in time may never mold back that way. That's what makes feelings so powerful and meaningful. There's a bittersweet element to its volatility and interchangeable nature. If feelings stayed the same, we would eventually desensitize from them and it'll lose its rawness, its potency. So instead of wishing for past feelings to manifest, I should just be grateful to have had them, appreciate them, and when I feel it's appropriate as I do now, freeze the moment in time through whatever channel I choose. And since I chose to blog about this, I choose writing, blogging.

As open as I've learned to become about my day to day experiences, the interactions I have with people, and my personal feelings and epiphanies, I still choose to not disclose much about my love life because I believe it's an intimate experience between two people. That unique bond that can only be experienced by those two people and no one else. But I want to guard against following a specific set of rules just because they've been established as "rules." This is something I want to share.

There's someone I'm involved with right now, and I really like him. But we're both pretty busy and we can't offer each other as much time as we'd like. It's unfortunate but we both understand that we have our own things to deal with that take priority. It's actually kind of refreshing to be with someone who's at the same place as me so understands. In some ways it makes our time together even more special. So what more can I ask for? Neither of us want to over extend ourselves beyond our capacity, and that's a healthy perspective.

But it has left me wondering sometimes how and when we'll develop into something more than what we are. We're definitely moving along and the changes I've sensed long ago seem to be building. And I've learned to not focus my time and energy wondering because it won't expedite or change where we are now or where we're going in any positive way. My focus should be on more relevant and productive matters that require my attention.

Feelings just happen. And what I've realized is that when I'm focused on other things, I still think of him and want him close to me the way I know he feels about me. That doesn't change. A while back I had a dream that involved him. We were at a local organic shop except the store was different. If you keep walking through the store, it eventually led to a backyard, my parent's backyard, in fact. But in the dream it was an extension of the store. Customers harvested plants directly from the garden to purchase. It was such a neat concept, actually.

I was grabbing some "sugar cane" for him because he needed the ingredient for an upcoming job except it wasn't really sugar cane. That's what I thought it to be in the dream, but it wasn't at all what a sugar cane actually is. It looked like corn but doesn't grow the way I know corn to grow. There was a thick stalk and corn was growing out of them which might sound a lot like the way corn actually grows but it was different. Just trust me.

Instead of the kernels being white, yellow, or even blue, it was red. And when it was ripe and ready to be harvested, it stained the husk a red tint, too. It was swollen, squishy, and soft to the touch. I shared this dream with him and he described the plant as "pomegranate corn." What a beautiful description. I can't think of a better way to describe it.

It was difficult to determine what that dream meant because I wasn't quite sure what to search under, but what I did uncover were all positive because you figure there's harvesting involved which symbolizes prosperity. :) So that dream is known as Pomegranate Corn. If I were asked if I can create any food, it'd be pomegranate corn.

It was hard to believe at the time how those feelings can relate to both of us from that dream because not enough has happened yet between us. But if there's one thing I've learned about us, my intuition is far more advanced in feeling what's yet to occur. If I can so easily distrust myself, I should find more balance by giving myself the benefit of the doubt and trust that there's reason for hope. Even though I'm changing, it's not exactly in my nature to trust. So when it happens, I'd like to be believe it's a deserved reaction. So far it's proven to be true overall.

Pomegranate Corn 9 is another dream that involves him. There was no pomegranate corn, but I find the title fitting. I saw him at a farmer's market and his boss informs me that I paid twice last week for a drink. I told her that I didn't think I did. An employee of hers shared my same position, but she was adamant I did. She said "I think you did" and was civil but very adamant and firm in a screaming yes you did sort of way. Okay....

So then she puts $7 down in front of me and I get a beverage that is, in fact, $8 but I put down an extra $2 to fulfill the complete payment. Then the guy I'm involved with appears to the left of me. It's at this point that I no longer see his boss but his co-worker is still within my vision. He unnecessarily wraps his arms around me to point towards the oranges to say look there's oranges, and I reciprocate this hilarious and ridiculous gesture while acknowledging the oranges. Then he begins to kiss me. That's when I wake up a quietly good mood with a smile on my face. It was very nice.

Money symbolizes qualities characteristic to the first Pomegranate Corn dream, success and prosperity but it can also relate to belief in yourself, matters of the heart, sexuality and power. To give or spend money in your dream is analogous to giving love, looking for love. When money is being given away, it suggests you're feeling ignored, overlooked or neglected, that someone isn't paying enough attention or showing you enough affectionate. Truthfully speaking, I wish we spent more time with each other. I won't lie. But it's the sense of feeling I got that holds its power. And how it ended with a kiss.

Recently our schedules conflicted, so we went longer than we would've liked to without seeing each other. We were both tired, overwhelmed, distracted, and our communication started to become merely informative, a confirmation that unfortunately we couldn't see each other that day or something along those lines. When we did see each other, it was short but sweet. It was without a doubt one of our best hang outs and we both felt it. It was undeniable. I feel like that dream mirrored our experience. Eventually we did see each other and it was great. I do want more affection and he kissed me. :)

Then there are numbers that have significance in the dream. $7 and $2 equaling $9. When it comes to numbers in dreams, it should be deduced to a single digit. So if you dream of a specific year, for example, you're supposed to break down those numbers and keep adding until it's reduced to a single digit. What I found incredible is that while each number involved has some sort of significance that speaks to me, when you add them all together until you get a single digit, you end up with the number 9 again! And at the end, $9 was the total amount. It's after $9 was accumulated that I got my kiss, as though that had to happen before we could kiss.

Seven signifies mental perfection, healing, completion, music, and attainment of high spirituality. Or it could relate to the seven deadly sins, seven days of the week, seven chakras, or uniqueness and eccentricity. It's up to me to decipher which ones relate to me based on my intuition. I believe it relates to high spirituality. I'm a spiritual person and I feel like I've become a lot more connected to the universe lately and this dream is just sharing with me the progress that's occurring. And this symbolic number was given to me.

Two stands for balance, diversity; partnership, marriage cooperation, soul, or receptivity. It can also symbolize double weakness or double strength and even duality and opposites - male and female, mother and father, light and dark, heaven and hell, yin and yang..... Balance, partnership, soul, receptivity, and even double strength speak to me and not because those are positive and it's nice for those qualities to be present in my life. I really feel connected to those specific meanings especially receptivity. It's after $2 that he began kissing me.

Nine, the most powerful number of all, denotes completion, closure, rebirth, inspiration, and reformation. YOU ARE ON A PRODUCTIVE PATH, SEEKING TO IMPROVE THE WORLD. Number nine symbolizes longevity. At least I feel it's the most powerful number of them all. Rebirth. I sense that. I'm defining and reinventing myself into a better person. I've been on this path determining what kind of career I want to lead.

I want to get into an altruistic field but beyond that my mind has gone blank. I feel like before I can be productive in my thoughts, ideas have to build first. That's what I'm exploring right now and these dreams are reassuring me that I'm on the right path. I sensed a hint of that but it was hard imagining it with the first dream because I'm unemployed. How can there be prosperity? Now I'm starting to feel it.

I'm still in the development process and can't even write about it. But I started meeting a lot of great people and I've been partying a lot which doesn't seem productive except it's through these parties that I've meant people who could be conducive to my growth in establishing the right path for me. That's amazing.

This dream also gave me a sense of peace with something I wasn't completely comfortable with. This dream is about me and the changes I'm going through which does albeit involve this guy, but why can't I undergo this process without his presence? When I stopped getting premonitions of him or I'm not channeling him, it's an indicator that I'm emotionally detached. There's a blockage that needs to be removed. And that's important to be aware of but why does such an important element in my life have to involve a guy? Can't I transcend beyond a guy I like? Why can't I be independent of him? These are all minor thoughts that have crossed my mind.

It was in this dream that his presence and my life's purpose co-existed peacefully. His presence added dimension and a pleasure I welcome. It's not that I can't be independent of him. It's that he's important. And what's wrong with that? It's kind of cool that he's there and even neater that my subconscious which has the ability to see into the future is seeing prosperity in my path.

Hence Pomegranate Corn 9.

Oh yeah and the kissing....To dream of a kiss denotes love, affection, tranquility, harmony, and content which is what I woke up feeling.

What a Spiritual Experience

After a brief moment of mild depression characterized by emotional detachment, a sense of emptiness and indifference with a strong absence of motivation, I had to face the daunting possibility that this emotional numbness can quite possibly be or lead to depression, something I would've never suspected. A little while after I noticed this, it still took some time for me to "snap out of it." Fortunately, this was in the early stages.

I put a conscious effort to be positive and found myself attracting new people with a strong spiritual presence and reuniting with some conscientious souls I'm grateful to know. The timing is undeniably meaningful for me. My aura is predominantly purple and it reveals that I have an unusual ability to manifest my desires, and recently it's proven to be true.

*I wasn't able to write this when I was first compelled to and while this presence of spiritual growth still burns inside of me, its evolved. I wish I was able to freely write then because I'm at a loss for words, but maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it's a sign that the experiences are beginning to resonate within me. Spirituality is powerful and more real than our five senses, but it's intangible and even ambiguous at times. I feel like over explaining is out of sync to true spirituality.

I was recently speaking to a friend of mine who's perspective has expanded since our last encounter. He's very philosophical and inquisitive, but he wasn't always spiritually curious and now I see him making a conscious effort to connect to it the way I attempted to years ago. I believe he wants to believe but is unable to. However, in time, I'm confident he'll become more receptive as I became and come closer to what he's seeking. He approached the matter in the same way I did, the way he understands the world, logically. And just as I've realized, his subconscious is beginning to unfold a fact many spiritual souls already know, that you can't intellectualize something so profound and outside the realms of the brain. But it's not something you can explain or teach someone; it's an experience someone has to have.

It was great to see him because he was my neighbor and I went from seeing him regularly to remembering him when he updates his facebook. But hanging out with him wasn't an estranged experience at all. He's still my friend I know and remember but with new dimensions. And while I haven't felt like the new and confused student, I've been surrounded by people who are far more spiritually-evolved than I am and I often carry the mindset that I want to grow and evolve that spending time with him made me realize how much I actually have grown and evolved. I experienced a moment of quiet appreciation.

I gave a close friend advice and he asked me if I went to Moontribe, a spiritual gathering that I was unable to attend because he sensed a spiritual growth in me from the last time we talked which was no more than a week and a half ago. And I'm attracting more spiritual energy than I have before. I look forward to where it leads me.

Everything is Going to be Okay

*This is an old entry I forgot to post.

When you feel beaten and unwanted, it's hard to believe that everything's going to be okay. When I saw how pulverized someone is and I hear them say those words, I just thought they said it cuz they needed to believe it, as if telling themselves that made the pain any less severe. Now that I'm going through it, I realized that the sting burns just as sharply no matter what you tell yourself. So what reason would anyone have to lie to themselves? You're already exposed and vulnerable. Lying to yourself won't change any of that. So maybe just maybe it actually is going to, in fact, be okay and that light at the end of the tunnel isn't an illusion. Someday, probably not as soon as I'd like it to be, I'll be a part of that light and everything is going to be okay.

I Want to Create Colorful Memories :)

I know I've been neglectful blogging, but I've been busy procrastinating unpacking, recovering from an injury, then a cold, becoming re-acquainted with my OCD....you know that kind of stuff. But I'm doing great. There are finally no more boxes at my place, just small amounts of clutter that have to be designated and organized. If only that would be the end, though...I have like six more boxes stored in my friends garage I have to rummage through. And I have two small chests and an air mattress. And a whole bunch of pretty purple decoratives but no real furniture! So alas I'll have to bed a new bed platform and a mattress because as grateful as I am that my friend gave me his air mattress, it deflates every couple of days!



I've been feeling uncertain about something that deep down I was too afraid to admit I knew the answer to and I finally got the clarity I needed. I wish so many barriers didn't exist in virtually every aspect of my life, but I'm just glad things are going well. I feel like I have to work on my template to enjoy my new life, which is a struggle but definitely the right direction! I guess it all depends on perspective. Part of me felt discouraged because of the unexpected road blocks but that's life. And I'm beginning to realize that it isn't the flashing neon obstructions that matter but the subtleties in life many of us forget to embrace. I want to create colorful memories!

Colorful memories is meaningful to me at the moment, but I want to create overall colorful memories, too! I want to decorate my walls. I want to explore my creativity, an unpracticed habit. I want to make my own space, create my little oasis, and find harmony in my world, something I've never had before and it's something I feel could honestly happen. But in order for that to happen I have to get to work on time. If I screw up even once before April of next year, I lose my job! Why am I always walking on a jump rope?

*Didn't have time to edit this so if it's all garbled up, that's why!

I'm Happy :) Day 284

I really want to take the time to remember and record this feeling because this blog is supposed to be a reflection of my emotional state of being. Some of my most powerful entries are channeled through my pain and struggles, but my happiness is sparse at best. It's difficult for me to express it, but it's important for me to have balance and learn to fluently express all of my emotions. I feel bad to take advantage of my happiness and use it as a tool. Yet I don't hesitate to splash my pain and turn it into art.

I don't want to elaborate too much partially due to my insecurities and doubts but also to the person involved. I try my best to keep everyone private, but not everyone can successful stay anonymous. As much as this entry is for me, it's exposed to the eyes of others. I can't forget that and it's something I never really let myself forget, but one thing I constantly struggle to remember is that this blog is for me and when I'm happy, it's for me to share and enjoy. It's interesting how I feel the need to express myself when I'm in a mood like this. Why can't I just enjoy it without choking on words?

Something happened that's been leading up to this for a year now, although it didn't always seem like it. Life was adamant to show me that you can't fight your feelings and some things aren't better left untouched. I've been getting so many premonitions about what it would be like if we got together and it made my head spin. Now that something's started, the visions have subsided. It's almost as if the universe was trying to lead me down this path and now that I finally began it, it's letting us call the shots. All I know now is that I'm happy.