Platonic Friendships

Since I've been unemployed, I've been thinking a lot about this one guy who works at an EDD Work Source Center. I bet if he read that first sentence and knew it was coming from me, he'd be gleaming with pride. Unbeknownst to him, it'd be misguided and grossly misunderstood pride on his part. I'm not thinking of him in an attractive or in my opinion a positive way at all. He's an example of an unfortunate circumstance in my eyes and not want I want to expose myself to.

Everyone is different, and we can't or shouldn't be who we aren't. I don't agree with his perspective, but the truth is that my opinion is about as valid and therefore as invalid as anyone else's since this is a subjective matter. What works for one person doesn't work for another. I believe what I believe because of who I am and how I operate and respond to things. If my response and perspective was closer to his, then I'd look at someone like me and be confused or skeptical too. It's understandable, but it's his lack of openness that both frustrates and saddens me.

Some people don't accept a perspective outside of their own and therefore believe that any that exist outside of their own is a result of distortion, fabrication, or illusion. How can someone make such a judgment about a perspective they not only share but openly admit they don't understand? It makes no sense to me. There's a difference between rejecting someone else's position cuz it doesn't fit into your life, beliefs, or identity, but it's another thing to say it isn't real. You can believe it isn't real and share that perspective, but opinion and fact are two different things.

I'm a girl with a lot of guy friends. In my world, platonic friendships do exist. You can doubt it by all means. You're entitled to your opinion, but to say I'm just wrong in a finalized and factual retort is immeasurable by the person making such a statement. You just look stupid.

I'm not going to bend over backwards to prove myself cuz the type of person who refuses to accept any alternative won't be receptive to something that shouldn't even be an argument. Seeing how I've had friends who have outright refused to sleep with me under the pretense that I'm like a guy, sister, not someone they find attractive, not interested, not their type, or no offense but you're so petite that you look too young and I'd feel uncomfortable support what I say. These are friends I've had from childhood, so it makes sense. Sexual attraction starts later in life, and it just didn't carry over with me.

Could it be that I'm ugly? Probably not. I get a lot of attention from guys, and I don't mean to sound pretentious but it's true. Not that I'm the hottest girl ever, but I certainly get enough attention from guys who describe me as a sexy, beautiful, attractive, hot, tasteful... So guys don't tend to find me attractive cuz I'm the trashy "hot" girl. I'm thin and petite, but I have a curve, although as I already mentioned I'm petite.

I'm not saying every guy friend has never had any desire, thought, or fantasy to sleep with me, but our friendship isn't disingenuous and in existence with the intention to bed me. I think after ten years, it's safe to say that isn't the case. And these are guys who successfully get pretty much any girl they aspire to sleep with. Not everyone is made equal.

If you're the kind of guy who gets a hard on by just looking at a girl, it's understandable why you don't have platonic friendships. But not everyone is like that! What I don't understand are guys who try to educate or enlighten me. I'm not saying every guy is like this but some are. I don't want to go through the trouble of reliving my past of many, many different parents asking me why their son isn't interested in sleeping with me. Is it cuz I have an STD? I couldn't get anyone to sleep with me until I found a guy outside of my high school. Yeah, this late bloomer lost it after high school.

I wish I could say that I don't have any resentment towards this, and I partially believe it. But I only partially believe it. I don't like how meeting guys like him reminds me of my past and resurfaces my inadequacies cuz of his limited perception. Then I feel guilty for placing my reaction that I'm solely responsible for on someone else.

It's just tragic cuz I have a healthy mix of friends now, both women and men. They're so different. I can't imagine cutting one gender out of my life. That's slicing my experience in half. I wouldn't have been able to evolve as I did. If it weren't for my guy friends, I'm not certain I could be confident and secure when I'm involved with a guy cuz I'd constantly feel inferior every time he notices other attractive women. I'm too observant to not notice, either.

There's nothing wrong with guys noticing other girls. Not like once he becomes involved with me that all of a sudden, all pretty girls disappeared. I relate more to guys. If I didn't have them in my life, I would've felt so alone and alienated. Nothing's more lonely than being surrounded by people and feeling either invisible or foreign within everything that's tangible around you.

Of course I'm comparing extracting something I've already experienced and is a part of me out of my life vs. someone who has no idea what I'm talking about. Apples and oranges. Sometimes you can't know what you're missing unless you've had it. But still... I've been thinking about this a lot cuz I have so much free time that I'm able to spend it with my friends. And I've resisted going to the work source center cuz I don't want to have to convince someone that platonic friendships do exist. Who has to deal with shit like that? It's ridiculous!

Yes, I can tell him to leave me alone. But I don't even want to deal with it. What's the point behind his action anyways? He says friendships with the opposite sex doesn't exist. I know he'd gladly sleep with me if he can. He began showing me pictures of all his ex-wives and expressed how he's always been able to get really attractive girls, even though he's not the best looking. He's trying to impress me by validating himself through his past failed relationship. Score! Not only is that a poor attempt but a demonstration of weak intelligence. It's lazy. You wanna impress a girl? You don't reference the past.

Seriously what's the point behind his action? He doesn't believe opposite sex friendships exist. I don't want to spend time with anyone who isn't my friend. I made that much clear. He's asked me if I'd help him sell his furniture and help him haggle. Really? Do you even know if I have skills in that department? Not that it matters since that's so not the point! But how does convincing me that opposite sex friendships don't exist help you? It won't make me spread my legs open. It won't actually change your life.....

It took me a long time to realize this, but there is no definite yes or no answer to this cuz everyone is different. So what's with this ongoing debate? You can argue that someone is faking a platonic gesture. Sure. You can argue that someone is genuine in their platonic intentions. But you can't create an ultimate generalization. At least not one that's accurate and successful in its assessment. When will people realize that?

There's Happiness and Then There's Happiness

This is something my mind has been circling around a lot lately. But I've resisted from blogging about it cuz it's still such an obscure concept. I guess I've been thinking that there are two kinds of happiness. (Okay, I don't really believe that but these are the two that my mind keeps returning to).

When I think of one of the type, a specific group of friends come to mind. They're in their thirties and are content with their lives. They enjoy waking up, spending time with friends, and they're financially secure. They don't have particularly satisfying jobs. It's not mentally challenging. Retail, customer service, or call center jobs tests our patience, but it's a skill you develop over time. Even maid work. These are jobs that high school students can be trained to do.

So their source of happiness certainly doesn't come from their employment. Maybe their standards are lower. Maybe they just have a healthy perspective on the matter that I lack. I'm not sure what it is. All I know is I haven't been able to be happy with those types of jobs. I don't think less of them for not aspiring for a different career. I just wonder how they do it. Although it doesn't really matter cuz I'm not like them, and I'm not even sure I want to be. But that doesn't mean I don't envy their ability to be happy.

I feel like my feelings exist in a paralleled or suspended state between a mild sense of unhappiness as a result of no career and a feeling of indifference over it all cuz I haven't found anything to be passionate over. I seem to develop ambitions and aspirations, but I have no motivation to pursue them. I sound lazy and I can't confidently say I'm not. But I bust my ass making ends meet. It's not the habit of a lazy person. It'd be less strenuous to work towards a career. I can't help but feel like I'm not driven cuz I haven't found something worth my time and attention. That excuse gets old and frustrating, though, cuz if I can't find something that really captivates me, then do I continue down this path of uncertainty? How annoying do I sound? The other happiness is probably more accurately described as self-fulfillment or at least that's the source of happiness obtained through a successful career. I don't define successful as lucrative but emotionally gratifying.

I guess I'm searching for both forms of happiness since I don't feel connected to either of them. I'm not unhappy or depressed, but I want to feel more than I already do. This isn't meant to be a downer entry. It's just a thought that's been dominating my mind and I wanted to release it, so I can focus my thoughts on other matters.

The Unproud American

I think I'm growing both tired and ashamed of my own cultural heritage. I never felt connected to my Japanese and Korean roots. But at least when I was growing up, it felt natural and appropriate that I adopted the American culture. I was born here after all. It was a different time, though.

Maybe I was naive and unaware of what was happening when I was younger which I'm certain is partially true, but the world really has changed. I used to describe myself as an American because I'm open-minded, culturally receptive, independent, an advocate of self-empowerment, believe in the chance for opportunities, and a supporter of freedom of expression. I still hold these values, but they no longer represent America. It's a facade if this illusion is conveyed, and frankly no one really bothers to even articulate the deceit anymore. 

I'm not even sure where to begin. So many of my friends are leaving the country because this is no longer the place people travel to for new opportunities like once upon a time. It's the country people leave or get kicked out of and with good reason. This reality is becoming more real to me as I become more aware and unable to ignore them especially with how it's been affecting me personally. The truth is these things effect all of us, but sometimes its impact is indirect or subtle enough to really matter. Not for me. 

Every country has flaws and I doubt the States is the only one guilty of faults. But what should be rare occurrences are becoming a normality that we, as citizens, silently accept because the structure is set up to leave us disadvantaged. We're debilitated from repair and uneducated or restricted to make improvements or changes. I'm referring not only to malicion but the set up, as well. 

Despite the economic downfall, I've been able to find work. But keeping a job is a different story. And yet I'm no longer seen as someone with a retention problem since this outcome is common. I took a career assessment test that measures how much my income would have to be in order to maintain my desired expenses. I kept everything at an all time minimum. I selected a studio apartment, a car since I'm an adult, groceries only to cook at home, and very little indulgences such as internet which is practically a necessity nowadays. I didn't select cable, shopping for clothes and accessories, and other frivolous expenses. And yet my income would have to be crazy high to sustain living in my area that my career choices excluded any best suited for my skills and abilities. Labor intensive positions dominated career choices to fit my financial lifestyle. -_____- I'm a girl that weighs 96 pounds. I can't do labor. 

I live in a bachelor (a studio without a kitchen) and I take public transportation which I don't mind. But it's the same form of travel I used as an adolescent cuz it's the only choice I can afford as an adult. I really don't like that restriction. I can't realistically see myself upgrading based on financial circumstances. 

You know it's a bad sign when unemployment offers more financial stability than actual employment. Many companies only hire part-time employees, which means either I penny pinch like crazy and can't afford anything to go wrong which is unlikely or accumulate debt which I'm grateful I've been able to avoid. But being hired as an employee doesn't mean I have strictly part-time hours, which would make me eligible for unemployment. Not that I want to rely on government funding, but sometimes when I don't have money, I need it... Part-time employees can temporarily be assigned full-time hours. In the state of California after three consecutive weeks of full-time hours, employees must receive benefits. So many companies hire employees as part-time workers and over work us anywhere from 40-90 hours and then drop us to barely 20 hours on the third week. This vicious cycle continues. Many people are also hired as seasonal employees and then re-hired months later. Or to be hired as full-time employees, we have to sign a contract that forfeits our right to benefits. 

It's such exploitation. I'm only able to make ends meet with catering and bartending gigs which don't come around often enough. You'd think not having a higher education plays a role but before you think it's appropriate to criticize me for my limited educational background, it doesn't apply. Many college graduates are in greater debt including doctors who are unable to find work. Many college graduates are denied jobs cuz their crendentials make them over qualified and companies can't afford to pay a higher salary. 

Downgrading or having roommates become inevitable considerations. When you're strapped for cash, what else can you do? In this situation, not much unless I move to a place that doesn't have these barriers... It's only a natural evolution to weigh other possibilities. 

In addition to employment and financial problems attached to it, health insurance is a nightmare. Have you seen the documentary Sicko? A woman who had breast cancer was denied treatment with a technicality of a previous health record which was a yeast infection... -____- Hospitals hire people ways to legally reject medical services as a way to save money at the cost of peoples' lives. Elder hospital residents were shuffled into taxi cabs and out of hospital rooms to make space to admit more patients. Cost of health care is outrageous. It's not only greedy, but our health care system invests methods that kill the very people they're meant to protect. Interesting thing about documentaries is that it's sensationalized to a degree, but these aren't exaggerated and common practice. 

It costs me money to request my medical records. There are certain unnecessary but costly surgeries that are procedurally conducted for profit such as appendix removal. I was fortunate that the surgeon on staff refused to put me in surgery when my inflamed appendix would've legally granted him the right to do so. But with antibiotics and close medical supervision, the inflammation went down without the need of surgery. However in most cases there are many procedures, both surgeries and unnecessary testings that are conducted for profit. There are books revealing which tests are unnecessary for specific symptoms but are conducted none the less to exploit uneducated patients. It's horrible. 

I've been in a lot of pain and unable to schedule appointments with physicians and specialists. It's unfortunately common. A while back I read that funding to produce chemotherapy has been cut back, so doctors are instructed to put patients on chemotherapy at a later stage of cancer despite the fact that it'll decrease the chances of survival. Funding in the medical industry is being reduced cuz it's being allocated to other things. I won't pretend to be aware of what it is. All I know is this circumstance is despicable. 

I watch the news and see murderers like Zimmerman commit crime in cold blood and then deny it and avoid legal consequence as a result of the legal system. Even facing jail time, he's looking at far less years than someone who hacked into private video footage of porn. Of course an invasion of privacy is unacceptable. I'm not discounting that at all, but how come viewership results in a lifetime of prison while murder goes for far less? One woman was fired for saving her employer's life by donating an organ. While I'm at it, the good samaritan law says you give implied consent to someone saving your life when you need CPR and are unconscious. Yet doctors who save peoples' lives but leave them with a broken rib end up in jail! It's unimaginable! It's too many horrible things happening all at the same time. My tolerance is growing thin. 

It's difficult for me to build a life here with my financial limitations. My health isn't valued. And I'm ashamed of my legal system. Finding work is such a challenge. My choices have led me to this life. I don't want to sit here and make excuses cuz it changes nothing. But the fact remains that I'm twenty eight with no career. I'm too busy making ends meet to build on an existing foundation. At best all I can do is maintain what I have. My situation is certainly not the worst and I'm impressively resourceful. But I don't want to maintain this current lifestyle indefinitely. 

As more time passes, I'm beginning to realize that if I want a better future for myself, I really should consider moving out of this country. It's scary to just get up and move. Stability has never been a part of my life, and it's finally began to settle down. To get up and move to a foreign country is like traveling towards a path of uncertainty that I'd create. And yet I'm learning that it can be done. 

I've always been interested in France. As an adult, I forget how much it appealed to me as a child but I've been reminded of it a lot lately cuz a really close friend of mine is French. He says my mentality is very European and encourages me to move there at one point cuz he genuinely believes I'll enjoy it there. But I kept thinking where would I stay? I don't have any friends there and have no money. How will I support myself? It's a foreign language I don't really speak, certainly not enough to get a job out of it. But the truth is in France, you don't get kicked out when you have no means to pay to support yourself. That doesn't mean I want to freeload but that already offers me more of an advantage than my own country. So it's not as risky to move as I once believed it to be. 

I'm far from ready to leave despite my protests. But eventually I want to move. Ideally I want to be ready to move, although that doesn't seem realistic. I'm not the type of person who's able to be "ready" to move to a foreign country where uncertainty dominates. Yet I handle unexpectations surprisingly well. If I'm not going to be ready to move, when do I make the move? The only answer I know for sure  is not now. But time has a way of being perceptually deceptive. It passes us by quietly but also quickly. I've been living in LA for ten years and although I've changed so much since I've moved here, evidence that a lot of time has passed, it hasn't felt like ten years. I don't want another ten years to pass me by while I stay fixed at my current location. I don't want to be stagnant and the world is too huge for me to not allow myself more experiences than my current surrounding. 

You Never Really Know

Life is full of surprises and uncertainties. You never know what's going on in someone's head. Things may not be what you perceive them to be. We all create our own realities and co-exist with one another. Generally there's a seemingly smooth integration between each unique individual's own world that we forget that although there's an interconnectedness between us all that there's also a separation that can't be fused together. This is both a blessing and a curse.

Our thoughts and feelings are sacred, powerful, and very personal. Even the most open person in the world can never truly share their feelings with others because our feelings our connected within ourselves; it's an experience we're feeling because of who we are. Each person experiences happiness, sadness, loneliness, and every other emotion in a unique and individual way. Yes, there's a universal understanding that allows us identify it. But it's still different. It's that disconnection that keeps us from fully knowing the feelings of others. Some people even hide feelings from themselves. I've been guilty of it.

So how can we expect others to have a clue about what we're feeling? It's not always realistic, and all it takes is that one misinterpretation or unawareness of certain feelings, even just one, to distort the truth. Sometimes a variation of the truth is still the truth. Feelings are complicated like that. I think it's important to inventory our feelings and be aware of this.

Uncertain Title via Uncertain Content

I'm not really sure what I want to write about and I doubt there will be a cohesive theme, although that's nothing new. This is free writing after all. I do have a lot of things on my mind and ideas of what I'd like to express. This weekend we had Baby Day at my job!!! It was amazing!

On Friday I spent like four hours on the phone with a really good friend, so I didn't get any sleep. But I had a wonderful time! Sometimes he and I clash cuz he interprets my lack of smiling as anger when I'm not upset or bothered at all. It was enjoyable being able to talk to him without running the risk of offending him cuz I say something that's meant to be funny and it's not interpreted as such.

I ended up missing my massage appointment, though. That was a bittersweet consequence. I rescheduled my alarm clock to go off at the appropriate time but failed to remember that it's only set Monday-Friday. So I wasn't able to make it to my appointment. It was actually absent-mindedness that caused this, but it worked out perfectly! I didn't mean to schedule an appointment on the same day as baby day; it just slipped my mind. I wanted to schedule an appointment because this massage therapist is known to be wonderful and she's offering a $20 off special until the end of the month to fill up her morning appointments. I want to take advantage of this, but I have another week left if I decide I want to go. I came across a modeling opportunity I might be more interested in. I'll weigh the choices before I make my decision.

Baby day was so much fun! there were two babies and one was six months old. She's incredibly friendly! One of my co-workers was taking pictures of everyone. The entire time the baby was super attentive and friendly until the camera's on us. Then I turned into the baby begging for her to pay attention to me. LOL! The minute the camera goes down, she's ready to play. She extends her arms out, wrapping them around my neck, leans forward, and just jumps up and down until the next thing you know, I'm carrying her!

That's the first time I've carried a baby since I was in the fifth grade!!! I was insecure about whether I was holding her correctly or not. I probably wasn't doing it in the best way but she was securely held and in the photo, I look fine the way I'm holding her. I made it into my profile picture. She's so delightful!

There was another baby who was a newborn and wouldn't wake up despite her grandmother's insistence. With enough people telling her to smile in Mandarin made her cry. She wasn't as interesting. I hear babies become more interesting at about four months old.

There was a huge potluck with so much food! It was awesome! I got to bring some home and there's still leftovers at work! I'm covered for lunch today. But I have to figure out what I'll be doing for tmrw cuz I haven't been cooking. I've been meaning to sprout quinoa and make some of that. It'd be easy to accompany that with baked fish. But I really should use the poultry defrosting in my fridge and use up other produce I bought.

Speaking of things I should be doing, I have to clean my kitchen. The bottom shelf is super greasy and I've hesitated to put anything on it as a result. So everything is jam packed wrecklessly and piling over everything. It looks like a safety hassle just to go through it and it's discouraged me from even inventorying what I have. If I don't start inspecting it soon and using it up, it'll all go bad.

Tonight I'm going to happy hour to meet mingle with new people. There's a site where you can join groups and everyone just gathers. Everyone's faces and names are identified and it's located at a public restaurant in an area I'm familiar with. So I feel confident and secure in attending. It'll be fun to meet new people. I believe I'll have a good time.

I was just thinking that I'm going to make today a good day cuz yesterday didn't turn out to be fun the way I expected it to at all! :( This morning the bank teller was rude and she knew it! I'm not happy about this weather, and I really just wanna have a good time! Not shortly after I thought that did I come across this happy hour invite. Yay! I love moments like those!

I won't be attending yoga class and that's unfortunately especially since I finally found an instructor I really like who's teaching tonight, but I'm allowed some flexibility right? I really should practice the plank posture. I finally have the proper technique; I can tell cuz it engages all the right muscles since they're underdeveloped. But my posture becomes quickly compromised when I have to execute an actual movement. So I'd like to find out what kind of arm exercises would best strengthen them.

I have a pull-up bar my neighbor gave me, who by the way I ran into this weekend. He's moving to China. :( I'm going to miss him. I wish we would've developed more of a friendship. I guess I should just be grateful to have met such a genuine person. I'd rather not go into detail. The idea of elaborating reminds me of a chore, and that can't be conducive. Anyways back to my previous train of thought: I haven't used the pull-up bar. I don't have the arm strength and every time I use it, it ends up just hurting my shoulders. But I should start using it to tone my abs by holding the pull-up bar and lifting my legs up. That'd be a great workout! I've thought about it for some time but have procrastinated on doing anything about it.

I really want to keep this job, and my position here is more secure than not. I'm just making sure my actions demonstrate my presence to be a practical resoluion. I won't know of the outcome until mid-April but please send positive energy my way! :) Your efforts are appreciated.

I had to return my library books, which is unfortunate cuz I couldn't finish reading them but I keep thinking of what I read in my astrological assessment. "Having too many interests is as bad as having none." It's true cuz I had six books on me and I didn't read finish reading a single one. Right now I began reading Ayurvedic Cookbook and I'm a lot more drawn to that than any other book I borrowed. So I figure I should focus on that right now.

As for the books I returned, I jotted down each title and how many pages into it I'm at. I'm going to try something new and borrow just one book at a time. I may not always be interested in that one book and I may wish I had another book to fall back on, but so far the over abundance of books haven't been serving that purpose. I don't want a bunch of untapped energy within my space. If I'm really inclined to read something different, I have a generous collection of books at home I can reach for.

All this book talking is making me want to read. It's staring right at me, and I just realized that my phone buzzed a moment ago. Perhaps it's a text. Well goodbye for now!

Growth is Painful

Sometimes we desire things that aren't the most conducive, healthiest, or practical for us. It makes the most natural sense to eliminate it or focus on better things and yet separation from our desire, even the thought of it is painful. It makes growth painful. Why is that? Is there a part of us that enjoys or thrives from the pain? It doesn't seem right.

I'm used to emotionally not getting what I want. People think I usually get what I want, which is kinda funny when you think about it. I'm single. I live in a bachelor, a studio minus the kitchen. I have no car, no career, no relationship, and no family. Yet people think I usually get what I want. Those very people seem to not have a clue about what it is that I actually want. What do I want? I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want a life that reflects adulthood - an apartment with a kitchen, maybe a car, and a career. A job that fulfills me. I want to have a boyfriend and not because I feel lonely and am tired of being alone but because I want to enter the next stage in my life. I've exhausted this single scene. I want to connect with someone beyond a platonic level. Too much of one thing for too long gets stagnant, and platonic is what I have too much of for too long.

So the truth is contrary to popular belief, I don't usually get what I want. Most of what I've listed, I don't have. Sadly I still become paralyzed by fear. I'm so terrified of it that I create all the psychological facades to conceal it. Walk tall, head high, smile, talk with my hands, firm voice... People prey on the weak; insecurity, doubt, and vulnerabilities are seen as weak. I don't want to be a target. It's sort of like smile through the bullshit. Maybe it's fake to smile when you're devastated, but I think it's better than moping around. By smiling, I put others at ease rather than being down. I'm also acting out my manifestations. Not to mention studies have shown that the mere act of smiling produces happy chemicals. Do I find that it helps? Honestly? No, but I also can't feel an improvement from doing breathing exercises. It doesn't mean it doesn't benefit my body. So might as well right?

As much as I'm not materialistic, I don't like feeling inadequate and not having a kitchen makes me feel inferior. This is a great demonstration for why comparisons are dangerous and frankly illogical. I make more meals in my kitchenless space than people with full fledged kitchens. I'm resourceful, diligent, and my passion permeates through my restrictions. I should be proud of it, but I just see it as a limitation and setback. Just cuz I can make something work and make the best of it doesn't mean I don't want more or wish I deserved better.

The truth is I don't think I'll like driving, but I wish I could make an informed decision. Not having a car or driver's license is so adolescent. And it reminds me of how denied I was in high school. I was in foster care and transferred to so many schools that I didn't accumulate enough credit for having not stayed at each school long enough. I had to prioritize classes required for graduation. Driver's ed wasn't one of them. I also couldn't even take my test cuz I got fined for riding the bus without paying. I know the rules, but I didn't have money. My social worker was late in sending me my bus pass. It is what it is. It barred me from taking the test. As an adult, no one seems interested in teaching an adult who doesn't know how to drive. They see how clumsy I am on foot and they refuse to teach me. I can't afford driving lessons. They're out of my budget. I'm not trying to make excuses; I'm just explaining. After all there's no excuse for someone nearing her 30's to complain about something teenagers can accomplish. But it doesn't change the fact that although I've gotten used to and generally don't mind public transportation that when I list off what makes me feel deprived, this comes to mind.

I want to evolve and move forward. I don't see that happening. The jobs I obtain are shortlived and are the same type of positions I could've and did obtain in high school. Not having a college education is an undeniable factor, but the truth is plenty of people without credentials can obtain jobs above entry level positions. I have the personality and implied intelligence to gain a higher level position, but I'm unable to retain it. Maybe it was all the drugs I did that's affected my memory, but things I should remember slip away. I try to do what I can to improve my memory. I do memory enhancing exercises, eat healthy foods, and write everything down. It just doesn't seem to be successful. The only thing I haven't been able to do is sleep. I try but I fail at it. I wouldn't be surprised if that's a factor.

As for school, it just didn't work. I mean I'd get life threatneing allergies, sun poison, or severe reaction to medications, etc. If you've endured reading everything so far, I commend you for your resilience. I know I sound like I'm making excuses and I'm helpless. I don't believe that. I'm just explaining the things I feel and my past experiences. I really believe that school wasn't meant for me, and that's why it kept getting sabotaged. Things just kept getting in the way in a severely debilitating way. I took pre-algebra three times and failed three times. I was sent to see if I have a math disorder and apparently I don't. I've tried a series of math tutors, but I can't pass the class. Do you have any idea how ashamed I am to admit this? I'm sure I sound delusion when I say that I'm actually considered highly intelligent. So it's even more depressing. I'm either tripping, in which class I'm stupid. Or I'm telling the truth and I still can't move forward. Either way, it sucks. Now I can't afford to go to school anyways. Nor do I have a desire to.

I'm severely underdeveloped in the relationship department. I was a late bloomer, and I had my first real boyfriend as an adult. I don't think having a "boyfriend" for less than a month in school cuz we're such good friends and should try it out counts. We either just hung out as friends or bordered on avoiding each other cuz we didn't want to be affectionate. Those really don't count. The exact two experiences.

Everyone thought I loved my first boyfriend, but I didn't. Not really. I didn't know how. When people weren't around, I didn't miss them. That's how emotionally detached I was. I hate saying that I didn't know I wasn't into him considering how long I've been with him cuz it makes me such a bitch! And it makes me sound like a liar, but there's truth to it. The feelings that should've been there weren't, but I never felt the feelings that should've been there. Not then at least.

Since then I've developed deep feelings for some guys, but nothing ever really came of those relationships. And I may have at one point thought I wanted a relationship with them, but a part of me always knew why I didn't want that or why it wouldn't work. I'm now nearing my thirties and most of my friends are guys. They're platonic friendships. True story. And I'm not conceited when I say that I'm attractive. Modeling agencies have approached me, but I'm not the intimidating attractive either. I've done party promos and bartended. Guys who initially come around to try and get into my pants spend the entire night pining over their exes and not in the way to score with me. They simultaneously call their gfs while talking to me. My friends have made bets to see how long it takes a guy checking me out to get platonic. I used to go clubbing and encourage bets to make money for fucking crying out loud! I've stayed over at friend's friends places knowing the guy had the intention to sleep with cuz I knew the feelings would defuse. He'd talk about how much he misses his ex, get so depressed, and leave to fuck a booty call... Yeah...so it's really, REALLY difficult for me to develop relationships.

I'm the only female friend guys have when they don't have platonic friendships. Apparently I've taught them the value of opposite sex friendships. I'm glad I can open peoples' mind but my platonic energy is such an overwhelming presence that I feel like it debilitates me in the romantic department. And I'm incredibly picky. I've only liked four guys EVER. I know that's hard to believe, but it's true. And when guys I'm not interested in try to kiss me or get affectionate with me outside of a hug, I can incredibly uncomfortable. I mean it makes me want to vomit uncomfortable. So I go years and years and years without having sex and suffering cuz I don't want to experience flu-like symptoms. It's depressing.

I want to have that deep connection with someone. I was asked what my sex fantasy was not too long ago and I realized I want to have sex with my boyfriend. That's what I want. I haven't even come close. Not only have I not found anyone but no one seems to want to offer that to me. I want to go deeper in the relationship I have with people than the ones I've experienced most of my life. I want a relationship.

I'm not sure where I was going with this entry originally, but I'm deeply rooted in what I can best describe as depression without the emotional flair. It's like a boring, mundane kind of indifference and low energy.

I Live Life With no Purpose

The original title for this entry was going to be something like "Why I'm Not That Daughter." But that title carries an essence of resentment I don't want to give power to, and although it's my life, there'd be more attention on my dad which I find inappropriate. This isn't about the adolescent rebellion in me trying to indulge cuz I'm embracing what I grew up to believe is unwise. I don't want to be one-sided and perhaps this is unwise. The truth of the matter is this, whatever THIS is is what it is. No amount of defending it and putting energy into trying to make it acceptable for someone who'll never support it is only exhausting me. I'll be much happier and connect with my inner sense if I focus on listening to my inner voice rather than the voices of others who are so contrastingly different from me that they'd never understand.

I had my astrological chart done for my birthday this year, and one thing it revealed was "I live life with no purpose." But it didn't mean that I live my life aimlessly and without fulfillment. In fact, there was a lot of detail on how I'd help others but how I earned my right to earn money in this lifetime cuz I did a lot of charity work in my previous life. That gave me a sense of comfort cuz I've explored the idea of a nonprofit, but the more I learn about myself, the more I realize how beneficial it'd be to society. There's not much focus on my desire. I just have abilities. I don't want to feel guilty for not helping people when I can, but I want to make money cuz I'd like to do things that require money such as traveling. By accepting that truth, I've come across the idea of becoming a Certified Holistic Nutrition Coach which will hopefully be a lucrative opportunity and I know I'll help people, too! :)

I want to live a life where I fulfill a purpose, but I want to be open and receptive to what that purpose is as things in this universe fluctuates which means set goals can limit me. My father's very conventional and traditional. He spams me regularly with emails about the dangers of not saving for my future and the downfall of the economy. He wants me to obtain a secure job in the corporate world where I'll have a 401k and full health benefits even if it means wasting away at a supermarket where I'm union. That's definitely not for me.

The freelance life I have can be frightening for some people, and not too long ago, just the mere idea of it would've driven me into an episode of panic attacks. Of course there are risks and drawbacks. There's not much room for fallbacks. if I get hospitalized, I'm screwed. If my source of income dries up, I don't have savings to bounce back on. These realities are far from appealing, but I realized that I'd much rather live a life that I look forward to actually living, rather than feeling like I'm wasting away by being "smart" because in that state, if I got sick, I probably wouldn't care. I want to live the kind of life where if my health is jeopardized, I'd be sad about it. Not indifferent cuz life isn't so great to begin with.

I Have to Find MY Shoe Size

The more I try to fit into a world I don't belong in, the more I'll be lost and unsettled. I may not look forward to the seemingly endless search and what a relief it'd be to have found the end, but no amount of desire will make something into something it isn't. Substitutions don't work. I don't belong here. And I want to belong. So I have to find a place where I will...Sigh

When Will You Know?

I've discovered that the question, "when will you know" is an insightful way to see if how receptive and compatible I am with someone. I have a perpetual duality in me that keeps me diverse and open-minded since I'm forced to see both sides, but it also puts me in frustrating situations cuz I surround myself with people I fit with in some ways and not others. Although that's the case for everyone. But it feels more highlighted in my experience or it just affects me more cuz this is when it becomes most apparent for me.

I don't like confines and I like to be liberated. So I can understand why not everyone enjoys making plans cuz it reduces the amount of room for freedom and change to form. Keeping things ambiguous shelters you from restrictions. But asking questions of specificity isn't a warning that I'm attempting to suffocate you into fixed schedules! I don't like that such a common question triggers such insinuations! Especially from people I've known for a while cuz they should know me to be supportive and accomodating to thier lifestyles. If you've accepted me into your life cuz I understand how you are and I've never made you feel confined before, please keep that in mind the second your false alarm goes off that I might be trying to confine you... Just saying.

I suppose instead of saying "when will you know?" I should I ask when do you THINK you'll know? But most people who are put off by my question don't notice such distinctions, although in the future I'll try to include those extra words. I don't want to filter out signs that should reflect I'm trying to be considerate but I require information that affects me. While I'm making clarifications, I should explain in what circumstances I ask this question. It's not like I ask a guy I'm with when will you know whether you want me to be your girlfriend or not. That blows!

But if we mention in passing that we might hang out tonight, maybe, based on the outcome of something such as work responsibilities or whatever, don't be so surprised or suspicious that I'm trying to trap you. Maybe I'm just trying to plan, which you may not like, but not everyone shares your distaste. If things are up in the air, I won't hold it against you if things don't go according to plan. But I certainly don't want to sit around waiting mindlessly only for things to not work out when there's a possibility that you could've given me insight. I'll determine whether I'm willing to keep my schedule open for you.

If I'm asking for specifics, you're probably worth it. And this is the case for anyone and especially more so towards friends. So when I'm involved with someone and they express an apparent distaste for my specific inquiries as though I'm trying to trap them in a relationship, it's frustrating cuz I find I'm unable to convince someone in that mindset the truth. I ask everyone when will you know if uncertainties exist cuz I don't drive! I have to plan things! And most people I know go with the flow, so hang outs not happening aren't the end of the world for me. And I don't know is an acceptable answer and far more appreciated than "You know I don't like to plan things. You're suffocating me with these specific questions!" Ugh!

Clearing the air by giving perspective and insight into how this person isn't as important as others who I also ask these types of questions to are both pointless and ineffective. Just say I don't know! I think people who get upset by my question are more frustrated with the fact that they don't know the answer than my actual inquiry cuz they're so into their own thoughts. Besides these same people demonstrate an interest for specifics. The more I analyze it, the more I realize how irrelevant it is. They know I'm not trying to suffocate anyone. And they aren't receptive to the reassurance that I'm not trying to trap anyone.

Oddly enough this isn't something I'm currently struggling with cuz I don't want anyone reading this to worry that I'm going through something. I just remembered it cuz I asked a friend when will you know and he was receptive and gave me an estimate. He knows that if his estimate was inaccurate or it doesn't work out that I won't hold it against him cuz he's naturally aware. Not everyone is and it can cause a problem. I'd like to surround myself with people who understand this about me. I'm understanding to a fault. If I think I'll cause any sort of friction, I retreat and I sacrifice a lot of personal happiness in the process. I do all that and then to get accused of trying to change someone is insulting!

I'm Glowing!!!!

It's my birthday!!!! This is the first time in my life EVER that I've been excited about my birthday! I'm 28 years old today! I'm not that old, but I've wasted way too many years not being excited about my birth and I'm changing that this year! :) I couldn't be any happier! I bought a blueprint for my astrological chart which also includes numerology. It wasn't quite as informative as I would've liked, but I've finally reached a point in my life where these things have become a priority for me. It's always fascinated me but actually immersing myself in it was something I hesitated in the past.

I'm really excited about tonight. But I started my birthday immediately! My friend picked me up and arrived with flowers! <3 I now have decorations for my gathering tonight! And he made me mimosas. I'm a freak and take pictures of food, drinks, and all things pretty! He remembered he had umbrella parasols and pulled a purple one out for me! And he got me a purple teakettle!!! PURPLE!!! I'm so ecstatic! It's my first birthday present of the year! Not that I require gifts, and I totally wasn't expecting one. So it means the world to me! We had a really good chat and such a fun time! "I'M A HERO!!!!" It was a funny inside joke. He was beng so tolerant to my demands today. I wanted to go back cuz I forgot to bring my journal, so we went back to my place. He made me lunch for today.

On Saturday, I found a journal on clearance at Michael's. My co-worker was pleased since she didn't tolerate me buying it full price. But I'm desperate for a journal to clear my mind, and sometimes it's just not worth waiting for a discounted price when I feel mentally tormented. I also bought colored markers which will make art journal much easier! Colored pencils are exhausting for me to use, and I'm not really feeling painting at this time. Best part? It was 40% off baby! What a steal? I also went to the library and borrowed books on art journaling, chakras, and book writing.

I had plans to go to an event I found online. I was within blocks when I decided to change my plans for no apparent reason. It just felt like the right thing to do. As it turns out, the event didn't even take place. When I arrived at the library I saw a notice that advertised Feeling Crafty? And I wanted to go to the library with the intent to look through art journaling! I also bought a customized perfumed body oil at an affordable price. Yayayayayay!

Sunday was a little different. I got some clarity which is beneficial and heard some things I didn't want to hear but suspected to a degree. I'm grateful to have people in my life who are patient, understanding, tolerant, and caring enough to me to be there for me and explain things even when I'm sure it's not the most pleasant task to make sure I'm okay. No matter what happens, I'm grateful for the people who entered my life.

Toxic Parents

We'll try this again cuz I wrote a couple of good paragraphs but the page blanked out. WTF???? LOL

It began a little something like this... Happy Valentine's day! I know, I know my title sounds inappropriate for Valentine's day. But let's be honest - life is hardly appropriate! Besides this blog is my sanctuary where I get to express my thoughts. I refuse to re-organize my feelings differently based on a Holiday I had no part in inventing. (This introductory paragraph is fairly accurate to my first one with the exception of this sentence).

I don't loathe Valentine's day despite the fact that I'm usually single this time of year or most of the time in general. Maybe I'm just too self-involved to notice the flashing tacky pink and red decor. I'm not saying that I don't feel alone, lonely, or inadequate as a result of my relationship status sometimes. But that's unrelated to V-day. I have off days, but they're rooted from internal issues. Not some external Holiday I barely even notice. Today began sweetly and I gained more insights as time progressed.

This morning I got a phone call from a friend of mine who wished me Happy Valentine's day. It was sweet. No one's ever done that for me before. Granted he was part zombie, it's the gesture that counts. Actually the fact that he was half asleep makes it almost sweeter cuz he certainly didn't have to wake up early to wish me Happy Valentine's day.

I also came across this fb status my friend posted: "Happy Valentine's Day! Nothing is better than the feeling of love. Although I'm single and all that jazz, I see this a sa nice time to reflect on all the other love in my life; you know, the non romantic kind. Spiritual, aesthetic, natural, family, friendly, and self love." What a beautiful thing to read first thing in the morning. It creates a positive perspective to carry throughout the day.

Another friend of mine posted a reminder that love should be celebrated all year long year. Today is just another day. Happy Tuesday!" When I read statuses like these, I'm grateful for the friends and people who have entered my life. What a beautiful truth to express and remind us all of.

I believe love should be celelebrated all year long, but that doesn't mean we do. So I do like the idea of a Holiday that gives attention to love where we can reflect on it. It gives us perspective. But with that said, the exclusivity of the Holiday can be hurtful to some. I bet companies that are looking to profit might actually find it to be more lucrative if they expanded the concept of love but whatever. Self-love and appreciation for all forms of love in our surrounding shouldn't be outsourced from an American company anyways.

On the bus I heard a woman on the phone talking about the relationship she has with her mom. I could relate aside from Jesus Christ, but I digress. She said that her mom always puts her down and makes her feel bad. She said she still cares and loves her mom but refuses to put herself in a hurtful situation over and over again cuz it's not fair to herself. People think it's so fucked up to isolate ourselves from our family cuz we shared the same blood, but we quickly and confidently eliminate haters from our lives when they aren't relatives. Pain and hurtfulness doesn't discriminate.

You know what that conversation left me feeling? Self-love is most important. The caller said her experience with her mother has taught her to not place her love in a man or any other human but in God cuz everyone else will hurt her; they don't mean to but it happens. I believe in a Higher being, but I think it's best to place love in ourselves cuz God is still an external source. How many people have you seen abandon the idea of God when things got difficult? Whether you believe in God or not, you can continue with your life and quite possibly fairly uninterrupted. But it's different cuz we can't escape ourselves. I'm not saying that God is any less important; I just think self-empowerment should be practiced is all.

Don't Go Against Your Process

This is a fairly new concept I'm embracing, but I'm proud that I recognize it. It's come at such a wonderful time, too. A good friend of mine is struggling with achieving something cuz he's attempting to take an analytical approach when he's a creative soul. I see him battling internal conflicts the way I have where he criticizes himself and says that he needs to be productive. If he's going to do something, it should be to build his business rather than something small and creative like getting an easel to paint, draw, or some form of creative pursuit.

He's so busy trying to be productive, analytical, and logical that he's failing to realize the way I have for so many years that being logical isn't always practical. I hate that so many of us begin to doubt ourselves and worry we don't have what it takes cuz there's no progress occurring. No progress is occurring cuz we're using a method that doesn't work for us. It's not us; it's the method! And it's evident cuz this isn't an isolated incident, but that's not something we'd know since we're too busy looking at our own perceived inadequacies and failures. I hope he'll realize, truly realize the error in his thoughts and embrace his creative identity. There's nothing wrong with it.

I struggle with the opposite challenge. There's a creative blockage on my end. I'm unable to begin a project cuz I don't know where it'll lead, but I'll only reach my destination by beginning and seeing where it takes me. We don't always have a map. Sometimes we create it along the way. I spent so much time looking at art journal inspiration that I didn't know how to get started on my own. I'm only now beginning to realize how disconnected I am cuz I've both neglected and rejected creativity. The last thing I want to see in this world is creativity dying in a sufoccating world of "logic". Without creativity, logic will also bury itself.

Learn to Play the Game

I was recommended by a really good friend of mine to learn how to play the game, the chase, how to manipulate someone you're involved with and things of that nature. While it's honest, it may sound distasteful. But this wasn't coming from a manipulat perspective where she wants me to serve a selfish agenda. As with most of my friends, she's much older than me. She's in her sixties and she hated giving me this advice. The idea of being a part of it puts me off, but I see her point.

Knowledge is power. I still don't know how this all works. I'll never know, but what I mean is it's fairly new to me at this time. The truth is we all manipulate. Anyone who says otherwise is either stupid or in denial. Seriously because it's a conscious, subconscious, AND unconscious act. There's no way we can control it. That isn't to say we should channel it and utilize it to our benefit because exploiting others is certainly not on my agenda (unless I want to borrow cute kids on Halloween to score free candy... What? I'm being honest! LOL)

With that said...the best way to protect ourselves from being a victim of manipulation (albeit a futile effort but we gotta try) is to familiarize ourselves with the very thing we want to protect ourselves from. Makes sense, right? I don't think it's possible to know the game without playing the game. Participation's required. Even just hearing about it makes us witnessing participants. The truth is when I withhold from playing the game all I'm doing is withdrawaling from active participation, but I'm still mentally engaged because an uncontrollable reflex thought, an awareness registers and informs me if I do this, I know he'll respond this way but if I do that, he'll act like this. Playing the game is essentially knowing the cause and effects and contributing to its outcome. What's twisted is refusing to "participate" is still an involvement in the game. That's like playing a board game and saying "pass". You skipped your turn, but you're still in it because every action (even an absence of an action) is still contributing to the outcome.

I find it respectable to minimize your participation, but I don't think it's realistic or even possible to disengage fully from it because manipulation is encoded in our DNA. The truth is I don't think it's all bad. I manipulate my friends in that I act in specific ways to cause specific reactions in them such as expressing something more gentle if I find that they'll be more receptive. I had a co-worker who I became very good friends with, and our boss was honestly a con man. I wanted my friend to not fall victim to his deceit and deal with the financial repercussions because he has student loans and other debts he's responsible for. I did directly warn him, but I knew our boss for over five years at that point. I could travel his mind and predict exactly how he'll be deceptive and the consequences it'll have on us. But I knew my friend would completely reject the details despite its accuracy. So instead I slowly provided details to keep him aware and focused on our boss' tendencies and habits. I essentially influenced and managed his reaction.

The truth is I'm intelligent and socially aware enough to take that skill and apply it in morally-compromising circumstances, but I choose not to. I can't separate myself from my misdeeds. So no matter how much I want something, I won't enjoy it if I obtained it deceptively and I want to enjoy my rewards. Feeling so connected to everything, I hate playing the game because I feel what I orchestrated, what I caused artificially and externally, knowing that without my "play", he would've acted very differently.

The more I play, the more I see. I've become desensitized by my frustrations probably as a defense mechanism. I don't have the energy to get upset every single time. I've discovered that people say dishonest things all the time as a way to be safely indirect and discreet, while obtaining the knowledge they desire. It's harmless, but it's unnecessary. What's worse is the more I recognize it, the heavier the dishonesty becomes. A hundred small lies will begin to weigh on me like one big lie because deception has energy. I don't like being exposed to it, but the truth is I am whether I'm aware of it or not. Knowledge is power.

A guy at my local Sprint store was checking me out. I can sense it. I went in there with a friend of mine, and it was evident that he and I were involved. We weren't showing displays of affecion, but you can tell by the way we interacted and talked to each other. The representative was perceptive and intelligent enough to know this. When I returned for a different reason alone, he asked if I just got off the phone with my ex after I talked to my dad... Then he said, "Oh that's right, you said you and your boyfriend broke up right?" Uhhhhhh no. I didn't have a boyfriend to break up with, and I certainly never divulged such details to someone I only met twice. Or at least that's what I'm thinking. I gave him a simple no. To test out my suspicion that it was a strategic tactic, I elaborated that I didn't have a boyfriend to break up with. After all everything has energy. So if he got the answer he wanted out of me, I'd sense it which I did because I was playing the game. He apologized and said it must've been someone else. Yeah right....

People do small shit like that all the fucking time! There are bigger things to be concerned with, but I'm a Pisces. I feel a lot and even small things burden me. So it frustrates me.

My friend said that most guys don't admit what they actually feel, say what they mean, and it's a rare guy who's honest and direct about them. I think that's a human trait. But for all intense and purposes, I'm relating this to guys because that's what's relevant in my situation. So her statement applies and I agree on general terms. I was both blessed and cursed to be exposed to someone honest, and we remain friends. It's gratifying to know that that kind of honesty does exist, but it also makes it frustrating because that's far more likely to be an isolated incident.

When people lie to us and we blindly trust them, we get hurt. We're defenseless against the truth and deceit. That's why it's imperative to develop our intuition because it's meant to protect and guide us. It sucks to question someone's honesty especially when you're intimate, romantic, and sexual with that person. But never disregard those suspicions. Explore them. It could be baseless paranoid or it could be that your intuition is trying t warn you, but take the time to discover where it's coming from. It's so important. With people lying left and right, learning to play the game and recognizing the signs makes sense. The more exposed you are, the better armed you are against it.

Of course it's ideal to find a guy who doesn't do that. But I really think it's not realistic. If we disposed of every guy who demonstrated some form of dishonesty or playing the game, nothing menaingful could develop. Guys like the chase, the drama, the ups and downs. Society creates this perception that it's exclusive to women, but guys like adventure and conquership. It's boring once a guy's obtained you that he needs the excitement of playing the game even after he's in it.

This reminds me of something a friend of mine posted on facebook. We bonded a lot over matters of honesty, life, love, all those types of things. She and I share a very similar perspective. What she posted I agree with so deeply, but it came with a saddening epiphany. Because we feel the way we do and since it's such an unpopular and incompatible perspective, I believe it'll be harder for us to find someone than others. Not that it'd be impossible, but we'll experience more challenges and difficulties. She said it didn't make sense to her to play the game, manipulate, and chase because that means she's running away from the one person she wants to be near. I absolutely agree with her! But again guys like the chase. Since we find it disigenuous and illogical, we're less likely to do it and most guys will probably dislike it. Lucky us... It's inconvenient, but we can either do something we dislike or be genuine.

I'm choosing to not to define a permanent decision. Sometimes I'll resist or refuse to actively participate in playing the game. Other times I'll engage. Right, wrong, immoral, compromising, who knows. That's too subjective to make such a generalized statement because every situation is different.

I Don't Know When I'll See You

Here’s an example of my insecurities running rampant. I spend most of my time with this guy I’m seeing. It’s also become routine. I don’t mean that in a boring, predictable way but seeing each other is no longer something we plan; it’s something we do naturally. When he has to leave for work, he confirms if I’m staying at his place and asks me if I want him to pick something up. He’s comfortable with me at his place. He calls me everyday and we keep in touch.

Not much has suggested that we’ll part ways any time soon, and yet the simple sentence “I don’t know when I’ll see you,” has filled me with insecurities. He wanted to give me some food, but I wanted to go to the library and didn’t feel like lugging it around. So he offered to hold onto it for me.

I texted him when the library was closed simply to share. I wasn’t trying to hunt for a ride or anything especially since he was probably long gone from my area, but he immediately calls me back to let me know he’ll come and pick me up. That way I can take the food with me. He says, “I don’t know when I’ll see you.” Is it that much of a mystery? We see each other so often that I would’ve assumed I’d get the food not long after.

Usually I’ll make it a point to address questionable statements like this, but after a considerable amount of time, I FINALLY learned that it doesn’t go over very well. No one likes being presented with that. If I’m looking too into it, the recipient takes offense. If there’s truth to it and I recognize it immediately, the recipient becomes unnerved which makes perfect sense. When you’re trying to eliminate someone out of your life, it’s probably because you want to create some sort of distance. An extensive conversation is unwelcomed. And more than likely, it won’t appease me.

I did notice that statement right away, but I didn’t investigate it. I wonder if it’s because deep down inside I knew I didn’t want to know the answer, that I’m not ready to hear the truth. Could it be that I’m finally learning to not indulge in my insecurities? As much as I wish that were true, it seems unrealistic. Whatever the truth may be, only time will tell. No amount of obsessing over a mere seven words will reveal the truth only time can present.

I can be incredibly single-minded. It’s the end of the year. Instead of partying, he works and makes loads of money. He usually calls me after he gets off work, but I’ve practically been living at his place now. And a few times we fell asleep on his incredibly tiny couch, both of us. The next evening he said that he wants to go to sleep but if I want to watch TV that he’ll chill with me. We’ve only spent a couple hours resting on the bed. I imagine work was more brutal than normal, too.

Those reasons make it more than understandable why he may not have called. On the opposite end of the argument, it’s never kept him from calling before. Then again, these reasons don’t have to exist for him to not call. Things happen. It’s a waste of time and energy for me to get this worked up. I tried to ignore my concerns, but it just made it worse. I tend to tell people to address their insecurities, in order to eliminate them. That’s what I’m trying to do here. I want to put it into perspective.

It could’ve been a pre-meditative statement or it could’ve simply meant he genuinely doesn’t know when he’ll be able to see me. He doesn’t want it to take up room at his place. The truth is if it was pre-meditative, then it’s over. The last thing I should be doing is giving attention to something that’s been terminated. If I’m making a big deal out of nothing, that’s even worse because there’s no validity behind my obsession.

Instead of feeling better, I’m actually getting that nervous feeling. That weird, unpleasant sensation below my skin. Last time I felt that way I thought a guy wasn’t interested in being a relationship with me, which was untrue. Obviously that situation is different, but I want to remind myself that things aren’t always what I think they are. Thinking of it gave me a sense of relief.

The message I want to leave myself with is that I can’t change my train of thought over night. It takes time, but I want to change them. So when these negative thought patterns develop, I shouldn’t ignore them because then they’ll never leave. But addressing them shouldn’t become a tactic to engage! It should be to rid myself of them. And sometimes that means accepting that I won’t know no matter how desperate I am to uncover the truth, and no amount of obsessing will change this reality. Also, obsessing won’t bring me closer to the truth. I really should be more productive with my thoughts, time, and efforts.

What Do I Want Most of All?

Something dawned on me. I have a lot of thoughts, epiphanies, opinions, desires, ambitions, opportunities I don’t care about, missed opportunities, regrets, laughs, friends, clothes, etc etc. You get the idea. I’m plagued with excess, and it leaves me unfocused and cluttered. It’s taking its series of tolls on me. It used to make me feel overwhelmed until I adapted and became numb to them. Nowadays I feel empty because all this excess gives an illusion of abundance, as though it’s fulfilling in some way when it really isn’t.

For someone who’s so good at attention to detail, I’m not too great at focusing on the right attention. And sometimes the way to find the details is in stepping back. If something isn’t natural to me, it may take me decades before I become receptive to it, let alone be able to understand or execute it. Fortunately for me, I’m inquisitive by nature and passivity, if I do ever incorporate it, is temporary.

Lately I’ve been asking myself this specific question, “What do I want most of all?” My first and most important answer is to have emotional security, a sense of confidence in myself. I’m such a paradox. When I was younger, people would tell me they thought at first glance I’m a self-absorbed, egotistical, confident bitch. I’m so far from that, but I suppose it’s a façade I created. I began to emulate what I wanted and to an extreme.

Few people know how truly insecure I am and how much I doubt myself. I guess readers of this blog have a greater insight than some of my closest friends. It’s easy to pretend I’m confident. I get attention, and I have such an influential energy about me that few people ever oppose me. Any basic psych textbook can tell you the signs of a confident person is someone who walks tall and proud, back arched, head high up, smile, interact, make your presence known, and talk with a tone that’s firm, rather than quiet, meek, or indecisive.

A lot of people know this, but most people aren’t in control of their subconscious acts. I’m not saying that I have a greater sense of awareness. Not only would that be incredibly arrogant but also unintelligent. How can I measure my subconscious behavior? It’s subconscious! But I have consciously put in A LOT of effort portraying the signs of confidence. I used to look at girls who appeared confident and tried to copy their walk. I discovered the best way for my body to elongate, make my back sit so to speak where my back was properly arched and I consciously practiced the other traits. I have OCD, so it was easy to stay on track. I would tell myself, “smile, smile, smile, smile, God damn it, SMILE!!!” Things like that until it became natural.

I never let anyone in on my insecurities, so relationships were always the ones that suffered because in situations like that, you’re always exposed. I’m unable to expertly conceal myself by masquerading to be the exact opposite. It’s not fair to the person I’m involved with. It’s always been a problem but one that hardly arises as I rarely met anyone I was interested in getting involved with. My circumstance now just highlights this problem I’ve been ignoring for years. I don’t want to fix this for external reasons; I want it for myself.

The truth is I don’t think I realized how severe it was until now. It’s always been important to me to be a good friend who someone can open up to and trust. The energy I give off is the energy I attract and vice versa. I want to be aware of this, so I can exude positive energy. And there’s nothing positive about suppressing paralyzing insecurity and doubt that eats away at me like a poison I camouflage from the rest of the world. Energy is subliminal. It doesn’t pick up on my behavior but what’s inside of me, and this isn’t what I want to release into the universe.

When something can be interpreted positively or negatively, I reject any positive possibilities and always resort to the negative outcome. Sometimes I’m completely blinded to positive signs or will go as far as discarding it to maintain the consistency that the negative perspective carries. My mind is so strategic and processes information so quickly that it took me years to catch up to it and a lot of people pointing to my error of thought. The problem is not many people can navigate in my mind, so I ignored the statements that came my way as false input. I use negative statements people say out of error or anger, which we all do and use it as an anchor to keep me from being swept away in the moment.

I want to change. I want to just smile back without being suspicious. I want to be able to accept a compliment about my looks without my mind jumping to criticizing someone’s taste or inability to multi-task because there’s another girl more pretty right next to me. I want to apply for that job I know I can do well without experiencing feelings of inadequacies or feeling like I’m being deceptive and manipulative when I convince myself to give me that job because I’m convinced I’ll fail epically. I want to pursue something and move to the next stage, rather than staying where I am out of fear that I won’t perform well in a new environment. I want to be able to do things on my own for the experience, rather than hiding away from the idea of being rejected if I ask others and they have better things to do. I want to focus on my strengths, rather than my weaknesses. I want to embrace my strengths and practice them without guilt because I have weaknesses. I want to know my flaws and weaknesses, so I can strengthen them or know how to overcompensate with my stronger qualities.

Sometimes I’m shocked by the confidence and credit people give themselves. I think to myself, “No way you’re good enough for that!” Sometimes I’m right, sometimes I’m wrong. But does it really matter? It’s a toxic thought process. I’ve always been a firm believer that mistakes teach us more than always doing things right and offers us more meaningful experiences.

Yet I’m terrified of taking a chance because of the possibility that I’ll make a mistake. Rarely do I ever initiate things on my terms where a mistake occurs. Mistakes just happen around me and I’m effected by it. A lot of times it may not even be entirely my fault, but I accept the blame because I feel I deserve it since my contributions led to it, despite my objections or my intuition that indicate I’m wiser than how I’m being portrayed.

I could never understand girls who used to stare in front of the mirror for hours giving attention to their flaws. Just knowing I had them was so unbearable that I didn’t have the strength to face them or give them my time. Instead I immersed myself in such an effective distraction that I was sufficiently occupied. What I didn’t know then is how the feelings were still there and without removing them, they’d become systemic and contaminate me immeasurably.

It’s becoming harder to conceal my insecurities. I’m losing interest in maintaining my façade, but I have no desire to surrender to these beliefs, either. So I exist in this perpetual state of conflict that overwhelms me as life passes me by. I want to stop being so insecure because for me that’s my key to happiness. Insecurity is the brake that prevents me from truly enjoying life.

Stupid iPad!!!

I wrote a ton of inspiring entries on my iPad when I didn't have access to my laptop. I tried to copy and paste it, but it didn't work and I deleted a ton of writing. :( I wish I would have been able to share it on here because in a long time, they're inspiring and positive writing. I guess the jist of it is that I've been bonding a lot more with my adoptive mom. I don't have the greatest relationship with my biological family and it's my adoptive family that I truly consider family. But I always kept them at a distant.

My mom and brother have always been welcoming especially my mom, and I've always feared being just another welcomed member in their life when what I really want is a family. There's also a fear of being rejected the way I've been by my biological mom that I think has been stirring inside of me. They're two different people, but fear has a way of being irrational. After seeing this guy I'm involved with connecting with his family on a regular basis, it made me miss my own.

I'm grateful in a way he'll never know and also for the best mother advice I could've received. With matters to the heart, she reminded me to let things form organically. I really like the way the word organically is used there. She gave me a lot of great advice, but that one stuck out the most because it's so foreign to who I am.

I've also been hesitant about facing her because I have no idea what I want to do with my life, and it's discouraging. I don't want to face another mom and feel inadequate. These feelings were never a result of how she made me feel but what I was concerned about. Overcoming them was important because as it turns out, she gave me wonderful advice. I wrote down a list of 10 things I love to do and 10 things I'm good at. I was also directed to www.cacareerzone.org to not only get a profile of jobs within my interests but also detail into what my expenses are in my area. It's so refreshing to get some productive suggestions.

Too many job profiles are just that, profiles. Impersonal and vague. I'm often the one people seek out at EDD offices for advice. That's not cool. There are trained professionals, and I'm being recruited to revise resumes? O_o I've even been offered a job placement specialist position, but the location even by car is two hours away. I don't drive and have no desire to move. The increase in salary will actually be a financial downgrade with the required expenses that'll add on like a car, etc. Plus I'm not interested in that. I'm looking forward to the insights I receive.

Making Improvements

I don’t feel like I have a lot of news to offer. My life hasn’t been moving in the direction or speed I’d like (whatever that direction may be). But I’m making improvements in my life. Steps so small that perhaps they aren’t noteworthy if a standard existed. Not that it matters because I’d ignore such a guideline anyways.

I’m no longer being a destructive force ready to annihilate the only person I’ve ever met that I want to be in a relationship with for real and present reasons. I still find myself being unreasonably insecure by his joking words. Even when I’m tempted to brush them off and flaunt a positive attitude, I find myself becoming smaller. But at least its effects are visible to me now. I can fight what I can sense but a silent force that eats away at me is a different story. So that’s progress…

I’ve stepped back and realize the damage I’ve caused. It’s keeping me cautious, conscientious, considerate, and more thoughtful than I’ve been in a while. I’m ashamed at realizing how negligent I’ve become at being a good person. I feel like I took a hiatus on being considerate and thoughtful. Returning back to that state requires assimilation, and that’s rather unsettling. But again at least it’s happening.

I wish I could celebrate more in my life, but unfortunately there’s very little going on in my life right now. It’s embarrassing to become the girl who’s lost herself in a sea of emotions triggered by a guy and her own insecurities. When you wake from such a nightmare, you find other aspects of your life to be in ruins. I can’t revive what’s dead. I can remove the carcasses to make room for new life and create an ambiance that’ll promote new energy.

Before I get ahead of myself and begin working on those aspects, though, I have to give attention to the very few remaining livelihood left in my life. And that’s why I’m changing my attitude. I don’t want him to suffer through the hellish me again. More importantly, I don’t want to be that person anymore.

I’m not certain how the transformation is supposed to take effect. I do know that my unacceptable behavior was a negative reaction to my insecurities. I have to strengthen myself emotionally and mentally. Whether I act out of line again or not, the cause is the problem and has to be eradicated or transformed into a more powerful and positive source because I refuse to have that presence continue to exist within me. It’s an unwelcome energy that’s made itself a guest within my conscious.

Our thoughts become echoes of our subconscious. The problem is we don’t know what our subconscious thoughts are until IT decides to make itself known to our conscious mind. Only then are we included in what’s going on within ourselves because we have off limits inside ourselves. Talk about helplessness. By the time it’s become known to us, it’s too late. Whatever thoughts we’ve carried over the years have taken root in us. That’s why it’s so important to be careful what energy we attract and keep in our lives.

To kill something off and replace it with something better, you have to starve what you want to remove. Make it weak, so it can die. Feed what you want to exist and survive with the nutrients it needs to flourish. So in this case, I want to rid myself of the insecurities that have plagued me.

It takes a surprising amount of discipline, focus, and conscientiousness. I have to recognize what’s strengthening it, which is difficult to do because I’m untrained at recognizing its allies. Once I uncover these culprits, I have to find ways of eliminating it out of my life. Sometimes that’s a real challenge. Now this only applies to the enemies that are present now.

Threats exist and arise everywhere. I have to ignore them but through recognizing them or else it’ll re-enter into my life undetected. Sometimes it’s just a matter of changing my own behavior. When someone makes a seemingly harmless joke like how they’re embarrassed to be around me, I have to paralyze my auto-reflex of almost instantly feeling inferior. It’s like trying to stop myself from free falling when there’s nothing I can attach myself to. Most times I’m not even aware it’s happening, so I’m unable to protect myself against a danger I don’t suspect or see. Other times it’s happening so quick that even with my awareness, it’s already begun and I don’t know how to stop it.

It’s discouraging when I can’t even see what I’m supposed to stop and even when I do, I’m not quick enough. My failure gives validity to my insecurity, telling me that this is why I feel the way I feel because I really am not good enough. I can’t even help myself. That kind of attention distorts reality. I feel so inadequate that I get consumed in it, not making myself receptive to other facts like how virtually everyone fails at something repeatedly before they succeed and it’s actually a building process for success. Without it, success can’t occur. Another word for it is practice.

I’m not going to feel good overnight. But I like to say smile through the bullshit because if you wait until bullshit leaves your life, you’ll only frown until death greets you and takes hostage of you. Or I say smile through the tears because manifestation is a powerful tool. When I’m crying and I’m upset, I hate it. I loathe it. I want to be happy. I want to smile and feel good again. But as long as I’m crying, that can’t happen. If I wait for the tears to pass, I’ll waste so much time. So instead I smile and force the sadness out of me. I give myself reasons to be happy. Why can’t I follow that same philosophy for my insecurities?

Killing things off isn’t unfamiliar territory. While my experience lies in annihilating positive qualities, all I have to do is change my target. Death of negativity is great and all, but there’s a problem when all that’s left is just death. Death of positive qualities, death of negative qualities. Some form of life has to exist for balance. I’ve recently discovered this because once I got rid of negative energy, I found myself depleted and weak because I didn’t replace it with something nourishing. I still forget to feed myself in positive ways. But at least now I want I should.

When I go deeper within myself, I can hear myself whispering lies of how I’m not good enough. If I have to tell myself negative things for those thoughts to stay alive, I have to say positive things to myself so they’ll stay alive. The process in sustaining an energy life force isn’t what’s flawed. What I’m choosing to keep alive is.

I remember believing that if I’m truly a worthy person, I don’t have to tell myself that because saying it doesn’t make it true. Being worthy is what makes it true. But the truth is we get distracted and sometimes we forget. So the reminders are necessary. Negative thoughts have to recycle in our minds in order to survive; we just aren’t aware of it because it’s occurring in our subconscious.

So as lame as it may sound, I’m going to greet myself in the morning and evening saying nice things to myself, just as I do for the people in my life. If they’re good enough to hear positive things from me, I’m good enough too! I have this fear of going stale and just going through the motions. Even before I’ve begun the process, I’m already complaining and indulging in my fears. Not good! But I’ve listened to my concerns, so I’ll be guarding myself against stagnation. Although it’ll be a while before it becomes routine because it’ll take time to believe what I’m telling myself.

I’m an attractive woman, but beauty is skin deep. I’m also a beautiful person on the inside. No, inner beauty isn’t reserved for the physically unattractive. Inner beauty doesn’t discriminate. What makes me beautiful is my friendliness, caring nature, consideration, thoughtful, interesting personality, intelligence, insightfulness, fun spirit, intuition, desire and ability to help people, my altruistic nature, communication skills, talent as a writer, quality of friendship I offer, my open-mindedness, receptiveness, unique qualities, independence, curious mind, good-heart, honesty, flexibility in my life, resilience to life’s chaos, inner strength, opinionated thoughts, great ideas, inspirational influence, supportive and encouraging qualities, empathetic nature, charm, ability to make friends easily, attract people into my life, the presence of spark I bring out of people, the impact I have in peoples’ life, the smiles and laughter I spread to the people around me, the insights I offer them, the reasons they open up to me, and a myriad of other qualities I’ve yet to mention or even discover.

I help formulate my friends’ goals and aspirations. I make it easier for them to deal with their struggles. My smile has the ability to warm someone’s heart. I’m caring and loving. I’m a valuable friend. I would make a great significant other in someone’s life. I’m affectionate. I give personalized attention. I’m encouraging and supportive. I’d make a good mom because I’m full of ideas and want to share experiences. I have a lot to offer. I’m not any less deserving than anyone else. J

I have a lot more to work on. When I began outlining this entry in my mind, I imagined it to be much briefer. But I’m pleased with the new life that was born through this entry. My spark of confidence and self-esteem boost.

Getting Tired of this Bullshit!

Okay, I've had it! I'm tired of being emo! I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of my depressing entries. I'm tired of exhausting myself emotionally and spiritually cuz I'm too fucked up in the head. Time for a major deep emotional cleanse cuz I can't, I REFUSE, to keep going on like this.

All my pains and fears are real and not to pull the childhood card but understandable. I ran away from home at 12, bounced around in foster homes and group homes. I've never really been a part of a loving home or environment and the one I was exposed to, I mostly hid away from. Those are explanations, but they shouldn't be what keeps drowning me. I try to stay away from the water, but I keep walking into it cuz I'm terrified about what's out there on land. Then I panic as I drown. Well what the fuck do I expect? I put myself in these situations.

I want to be happy. I found someone who makes me happy. Yes, I'm scared. I've been burned in the past. So I what burn him before he tries to burn me when he's given me no indication that he will burn me? That makes my defensive maneuvers just malicious and paranoid. When I go further deep into my thoughts, I know I'm not doing this cuz I'm scared he'll burn me; I'm terrified that he won't. It's a universal fear, so I'm not alone in it. I'm not crazy for experiencing it, but I'm tired.

This is just like when I gave up on my adolescent anger and violence cuz as an adult, it required too much energy to maintain it. As Head Cashier at Walgreens, the impatience of a customer led to cops being called. Extreme much? Now I've handled escalated calls and manage irate people and molding them into gentler beings. That's an unbelievable transformation! I have to do the same with this.

Yes, it's depressing how I got motivated. Fear of losing someone. My actions are still rarely triggered through self desire and more from external sources, but that's another issue. I'm not going to delay this recovery process by weighing myself down with other issues I have. Not cuz I'm in denial but cuz I'm focused and determined to overcome this.

I'm always going to trust people who don't deserve it throughout my life. That can't be a reason to hide myself away. I have to be strong enough to be willing to put myself in a vulnerable situation. I used to think I could never get over the pain, but that's obviously not true. Now I'm just terrified of it more cuz I know what I'm in for IF that happens. This fear has to be put down cuz I'm becoming vindictive in sustaining my sense of security.

I have no reasons to distrust you, so I slowly find myself warming up to you which is the precursor to vulnerability. So I fabricate reasons to distrust you by punishing you for being honest and distorting the truth to keep my fears alive. These two entities can co-exist within me. I either open myself up or I shut myself down. I can't keep fluctuating between the two. For one thing, I'm going to malfunction. Of course, each force wants to sustain its existence and is powerful. But one has to die and I want it to be my dark side.

I want to be happy. I want to treat him the way he deserves to be treated. My friends appreciate me for being intuitive, insightful, supportive, and inspiration. He likes me. He finds me fun, interesting, caring, smart, kind, good-hearted but he also thinks I'm a bit selfish, bratty, childish, and uncompassionate. These are my old qualities that haven't completely died off, but I've been resurrecting them against him to keep me from getting hurt emotionally. These qualities I've been expressing aren't actually a true reflection of who I am. I hope it's not too late and I have the opportunity to show him who I truly am. He's sensed it and that's why he likes me. I want him to know that side of me.

I'm tired of hurting him. I'm tired of the recycled apologies. If I thought I was going to hurt him again, I would've let this go once and for all. But I can do this!!!

It sounds insane and forced, but desperate measures! Our subconscious thoughts are echoes of our conscious minds, and we don't even know what our subconscious thoughts are until our conscious minds allow them to surface. Sometimes we don't even get any insight, though. If someone's a really amazing person and you have to repeat it, it'll make you question if it's really true. Like why are you trying so hard to be so convincing? But that's a generalized belief. Everything is too personal. Besides I don't want a general perception to keep me from moving forward.

For self-love to grow, I have to feed myself with self-love. It requires a lot of attention and support. I have to be reminded cuz I'm forgetful and my negativity will beat down every positive attributes I include into a space that was once only occupied by malicious thoughts. So I have to constantly give myself flowers and a lot of them cuz many will be sacrificed in the battle. Gives flower power a whole new meaning.....

And it's not just me. If I'm turning someone into an enemy and distort reality so convincingly, I have to use the truth to clear my senses. Why the fuck would I get mad at someone for falling asleep when he's tired cuz I wanted to spend time with him? If he was just a friend, I wouldn't resent him for it. I'd cover him with a blanket and be quiet or move to an insulated spot, so he can rest without distraction. But I interpreted his exhaustion as a rejection cuz if it were true, then I can leave and abandon my fears of facing these things. I wish I wasn't so fucked up in the head.

I hope it's not too late. But more importantly, I'm learning from this. It shouldn't have gotten to this point, but I'm going to turn poison into medicine!