Manifestations on the Rise

I know I've been doormat for a while. But while I was neglecting my blog, life was happening all around me. The uncertainties and ambiguous health concerns as well as some intense emotional experiences left me feeling weak and helpless, but my body has an internal reset button. I hate to feel devastated, so much so that I have an unhealthy habit of suppressing my feelings. I do that because I can't bear the pain. Over the years I've discovered the danger of not dealing with my feelings and since I haven't had much practice coping with them, I feel like I struggle with it more than others. When it gets intolerable, my body just normalizes. I hit rock bottom and it's as if all my tears, pain, and sadness flush out of me and the water rises me to the top. I felt refreshed in some ways.

I'm pursuing modeling. It's something I've always been interested in but never gave attention to cuz either I wasn't very motivated or didn't have the time. Since it seems like every 9-5 job slips away from me and as much as I hate to admit it, so is my memory to the point that I'm having a difficult time even keeping basic jobs that it's a good opportunity to explore this realm. I feel like the universe is rewarding me in this path cuz already I've met five photographers in a matter of two months. I've had two photo shoots and have another one scheduled for tomorrow, one on Saturday, and I have to make appointments with three other photographers. These are all free, too!

Eventually I'll need compensation, of course but I like that I'm not losing money in an attempt to make money. It's an altruistic benefit. I just have to move forward from here once I gather everything I need to do just that. It's a bit frustrating cuz I want to create profiles online and I'm unable to complete the task cuz I'm not understanding how to save photos or upload them properly due to its size, etc. Fortunately pretty much all of the photographers have been exceptionally helpful, so I feel I can ask them for assistance.

So much has happened and I'm not really sure I'm inclined to record it all. It seems like a chore. But basically here goes! I stalked (yes stalked) my former English professor who now lectures at a different college from where I attended. With my health scare, it's made me examine my priorities. I've bounced around from one interest to another - writing, holistic nutrition coach, modeling, etc. While all of these capture my attention, writing has been a life long passion of mine and the only reason I haven't put together an adequate amount of publishable material is well....that's what I'm trying to discover. No actually that's what I'm trying to change.

As I thought more about this, I intuitively realized who I should seek out. Of course I could always email him and I imagine he would've been receptive, but taking the initiative and asking someone for assistance in my writing project is more likely to result in success if I do it in person. I'm so fortunate that he's receptive, enthusiastic, and has agreed to help me. I didn't go into detail but explained to him that I have a health concern I'm dealing with, it's opened up my schedule, money's tight, and I'm unable to attend school. More importantly, I don't think the key to putting so many of my writing visions together is inside of a classroom with assignments that are unrelated to my personal tasks. Since this is someone who pursued teaching English as a profession, he's more than willing to help me.

It's almost funny that I didn't think about this before. It's cuz I've never asked myself what can I do to help produce results, which is odd right? You'd think I'd ask such an obvious question! But sometimes things have to unfold at certain times and in different increments, so I'm going to choose to be grateful for what's happening now instead of concerning myself with the irrelevant past.

A friend has completed a book and is onto a second one. He's always been encouraging and supportive of my writing. He texted me once how do you not have a book yet and sadly cuz I wasn't in the healthiest mindset, I took offense to his comment which as it turned out was meant to be a kind-hearted one. It wasn't at all a judgmental inquiry and more along the lines of you're so talented. I found myself so excited and giddy for him but at the same time, that genuine happiness for him was an external feeling I was releasing and it was leaving my body. It left me feeling empty. I wanted to keep that excitement for myself, but I don't have anything to be excited for. I want to change that. I don't want my friend's success to be a bittersweet experience laced with a tinge of envy. It affects the quality of friendship I can offer for one thing. But I believe all of that has led me in the right direction.

Timing can be so magical. I became even closer with a friend who I've in the past only spent time with briefly, but you can tell there's this bond between us and she didn't hesitate to express it. She shared with me that she has two sisters, but she feels a sisterly connection with me. To this day, that's one of the best compliments I've ever received. So I couldn't be happier to have gotten closer with her. We both bring out the best qualities in each other, too.

A natural flow of events landed me as her Personal Organizer, which has rewarded her energetically and for me, as well. She gave me some money for my efforts, although I wasn't looking for it. Since she doesn't have much money, she's now offering me products. She's a designer. It's amazing how such a seemingly small gesture became an epiphany. A year ago I thought to ask her to help me accessorize but hesitated since I rarely talked to her and didn't want to run the risk of disturbing her, even though she's always been open and inviting. I rationalized during that time that although I love her designs, the jewelry she makes isn't really my style. To think I wasted an entire year not asking for her advice when it was available all this time hidden in her closet!

It made me realize that I still have self-sabotage traps, and I'm so grateful that I have her in my life cuz she's providing me with a safe, encouraging, and supportive environment for me to say and do the things I instinctively hesitate to do such as ask for help. Her genuine nature is an eye-opener. This is more than accessories for me. It's teaching me to trust my intuition and myself. I want to accessorize more cuz I have a difficult time seeing the big picture. I'm excellent at attention to detail, which is analytical and intellectual. But my creative side is underdeveloped and I want to practice it more. I want to find my creative identity.

Much in the same way I hesitated and rationalized, I remember years ago watching Martha Stewart with a guest who reconstructs t-shirts. I was intrigued and yet I rationalized my attention away by telling myself I'm not crafty, it's too much work, and I'm not creative. I don't even give myself a chance! As I was cleaning out my friend's closet, she was showing me shirts she wants to reconstruct and I remember that vague feeling of appeal resurface, but I yet again ignored it! Now I want to explore it.

I may decide to not pursue it, but I want to allow myself a chance to make informed decisions, rather than rejecting ideas before they have a chance to take shape. The truth is I need the money and this could be a way to do it. It doesn't have to be permanent or maybe it can be. I feel like this free time is about exploring. No matter how much effort I put into filling my time with productive agendas according to societal standards, I find myself in the same place I'm at now. Maybe I'm supposed to discover something.

I want to build my portfolio for modeling. I want paid photo shoots. I want my rent to be lowered. I want more income. I want to explore the creative realm and develop my creative identity. I want to build more meaningful relationships. I want my relationship to deepen. I want to learn to be more honest and open about my feelings. I want to feel comfortable taking the initiative to show someone how I truly feel or at the very least not withdrawal by giving mixed signals. I want to find unconventional ways to make money. I feel that I have to take advantage of uncommon ways to profit at this point in my life, so I'm trying to keep my eyes, ears, and intuition peeled for those opportunities. Manifestations on the rise!

Learn to Play the Game

I was recommended by a really good friend of mine to learn how to play the game, the chase, how to manipulate someone you're involved with and things of that nature. While it's honest, it may sound distasteful. But this wasn't coming from a manipulat perspective where she wants me to serve a selfish agenda. As with most of my friends, she's much older than me. She's in her sixties and she hated giving me this advice. The idea of being a part of it puts me off, but I see her point.

Knowledge is power. I still don't know how this all works. I'll never know, but what I mean is it's fairly new to me at this time. The truth is we all manipulate. Anyone who says otherwise is either stupid or in denial. Seriously because it's a conscious, subconscious, AND unconscious act. There's no way we can control it. That isn't to say we should channel it and utilize it to our benefit because exploiting others is certainly not on my agenda (unless I want to borrow cute kids on Halloween to score free candy... What? I'm being honest! LOL)

With that said...the best way to protect ourselves from being a victim of manipulation (albeit a futile effort but we gotta try) is to familiarize ourselves with the very thing we want to protect ourselves from. Makes sense, right? I don't think it's possible to know the game without playing the game. Participation's required. Even just hearing about it makes us witnessing participants. The truth is when I withhold from playing the game all I'm doing is withdrawaling from active participation, but I'm still mentally engaged because an uncontrollable reflex thought, an awareness registers and informs me if I do this, I know he'll respond this way but if I do that, he'll act like this. Playing the game is essentially knowing the cause and effects and contributing to its outcome. What's twisted is refusing to "participate" is still an involvement in the game. That's like playing a board game and saying "pass". You skipped your turn, but you're still in it because every action (even an absence of an action) is still contributing to the outcome.

I find it respectable to minimize your participation, but I don't think it's realistic or even possible to disengage fully from it because manipulation is encoded in our DNA. The truth is I don't think it's all bad. I manipulate my friends in that I act in specific ways to cause specific reactions in them such as expressing something more gentle if I find that they'll be more receptive. I had a co-worker who I became very good friends with, and our boss was honestly a con man. I wanted my friend to not fall victim to his deceit and deal with the financial repercussions because he has student loans and other debts he's responsible for. I did directly warn him, but I knew our boss for over five years at that point. I could travel his mind and predict exactly how he'll be deceptive and the consequences it'll have on us. But I knew my friend would completely reject the details despite its accuracy. So instead I slowly provided details to keep him aware and focused on our boss' tendencies and habits. I essentially influenced and managed his reaction.

The truth is I'm intelligent and socially aware enough to take that skill and apply it in morally-compromising circumstances, but I choose not to. I can't separate myself from my misdeeds. So no matter how much I want something, I won't enjoy it if I obtained it deceptively and I want to enjoy my rewards. Feeling so connected to everything, I hate playing the game because I feel what I orchestrated, what I caused artificially and externally, knowing that without my "play", he would've acted very differently.

The more I play, the more I see. I've become desensitized by my frustrations probably as a defense mechanism. I don't have the energy to get upset every single time. I've discovered that people say dishonest things all the time as a way to be safely indirect and discreet, while obtaining the knowledge they desire. It's harmless, but it's unnecessary. What's worse is the more I recognize it, the heavier the dishonesty becomes. A hundred small lies will begin to weigh on me like one big lie because deception has energy. I don't like being exposed to it, but the truth is I am whether I'm aware of it or not. Knowledge is power.

A guy at my local Sprint store was checking me out. I can sense it. I went in there with a friend of mine, and it was evident that he and I were involved. We weren't showing displays of affecion, but you can tell by the way we interacted and talked to each other. The representative was perceptive and intelligent enough to know this. When I returned for a different reason alone, he asked if I just got off the phone with my ex after I talked to my dad... Then he said, "Oh that's right, you said you and your boyfriend broke up right?" Uhhhhhh no. I didn't have a boyfriend to break up with, and I certainly never divulged such details to someone I only met twice. Or at least that's what I'm thinking. I gave him a simple no. To test out my suspicion that it was a strategic tactic, I elaborated that I didn't have a boyfriend to break up with. After all everything has energy. So if he got the answer he wanted out of me, I'd sense it which I did because I was playing the game. He apologized and said it must've been someone else. Yeah right....

People do small shit like that all the fucking time! There are bigger things to be concerned with, but I'm a Pisces. I feel a lot and even small things burden me. So it frustrates me.

My friend said that most guys don't admit what they actually feel, say what they mean, and it's a rare guy who's honest and direct about them. I think that's a human trait. But for all intense and purposes, I'm relating this to guys because that's what's relevant in my situation. So her statement applies and I agree on general terms. I was both blessed and cursed to be exposed to someone honest, and we remain friends. It's gratifying to know that that kind of honesty does exist, but it also makes it frustrating because that's far more likely to be an isolated incident.

When people lie to us and we blindly trust them, we get hurt. We're defenseless against the truth and deceit. That's why it's imperative to develop our intuition because it's meant to protect and guide us. It sucks to question someone's honesty especially when you're intimate, romantic, and sexual with that person. But never disregard those suspicions. Explore them. It could be baseless paranoid or it could be that your intuition is trying t warn you, but take the time to discover where it's coming from. It's so important. With people lying left and right, learning to play the game and recognizing the signs makes sense. The more exposed you are, the better armed you are against it.

Of course it's ideal to find a guy who doesn't do that. But I really think it's not realistic. If we disposed of every guy who demonstrated some form of dishonesty or playing the game, nothing menaingful could develop. Guys like the chase, the drama, the ups and downs. Society creates this perception that it's exclusive to women, but guys like adventure and conquership. It's boring once a guy's obtained you that he needs the excitement of playing the game even after he's in it.

This reminds me of something a friend of mine posted on facebook. We bonded a lot over matters of honesty, life, love, all those types of things. She and I share a very similar perspective. What she posted I agree with so deeply, but it came with a saddening epiphany. Because we feel the way we do and since it's such an unpopular and incompatible perspective, I believe it'll be harder for us to find someone than others. Not that it'd be impossible, but we'll experience more challenges and difficulties. She said it didn't make sense to her to play the game, manipulate, and chase because that means she's running away from the one person she wants to be near. I absolutely agree with her! But again guys like the chase. Since we find it disigenuous and illogical, we're less likely to do it and most guys will probably dislike it. Lucky us... It's inconvenient, but we can either do something we dislike or be genuine.

I'm choosing to not to define a permanent decision. Sometimes I'll resist or refuse to actively participate in playing the game. Other times I'll engage. Right, wrong, immoral, compromising, who knows. That's too subjective to make such a generalized statement because every situation is different.

My Subconscious Speaks to Me

I have quite a few thoughts I'd like to express, but I find myself rather unmotivated to elaborate on them. The danger of withholding these information is that these thoughts take up space when my mind should be freer. So I decided out of all the topics I want to address this is an appropriate selection. My subconscious thoughts. My subconscious speaks to me through my dreams, which must mean that I'm not dealing with them properly or at all in my waking life.

I used to remember most of my dreams and they were rather vivid, so vivid that some people doubted my honesty. But as you get older, people become more receptive and open-minded to things. We may become more hardened and distrustful with the added layers of betrayal that unfortunately comes with time, but we stop being so narrow-minded, too. Things begin to have dimensions and complexities. But I digress....

My point is that for a long while I've forgotten my dreams until lately. Now I don't recall any recurring dreams, but the same person keeps surfacing within my dreams. It was a guy I was involved with but we were never together. We spent three years as somewhat distant friends.

Let me elaborate. We worked together and saw each other only once a week. We fully immersed ourselves in extensive emails when we did communicate, but we didn't talk to each other regularly. We had our own separate lives and aside from our professional connection, our lives didn't intertwine except for the email interactions which were actually really deep. It's interesting because it was clear we liked each other and put a lot of effort into each other but only when we did. We did that for three years before we finally got involved.

It was discussed thoroughly and we had an understanding that it wasn't a relationship. Later I discovered it's because although he wanted to be with me, he didn't have the time. Next thing you know he moved. I know there were reasons beyond his control, but I felt like he was able to make those decisions effortlessly as though I were never a factor. And if what we had was a casual encounter that makes sense. His residence fluctuates. Currently he's local but that'll change shortly until he returns here again.

With all this going on, I made the decision to end things. As much as I liked him, it felt like we were just floating and suspended in midair, never really going anywhere. I'm not really sure what I had in mind. All I knew before anything got started was that I clearly liked him and couldn't see those feelings go away. Three years! So I, we, felt that they should be explored and we did. Not that I was ever completely satiated romantically anyways, but for a while it worked. Eventually I realized I wasn't getting what I wanted out of it, and that's why I ended things. It was never because I stopped liking him.

In fact, I've had premonitions of our unborn children. As receptive as he's always been and despite the fact that he was the one who was always there for me as I struggled with premonitions, I felt burdened by what I saw and kept them from him only to discover that he's sensed the spirit of our children. I vaguely sensed our son but I suppressed him. He didn't. Life is full of surprises.

I really want to meet our daughter, but I can't base on my present choices on future possibilities. I want more from someone I'm intimate with than he can offer me. I also met someone else I really like, and I don't want anyone to think that he's rebound because he's so much more than that. Also, the fact that I was able to like someone else shows how amazing he is. But all of this is so complicated.

Anyways I've had dreams with this guy where we're in a car and he's going down on me, but it isn't a regular car. Instead of there being seats, we actually knee down and there's something in front of us that goes up to our chest that keeps us from moving forward. He went under me. I also had other people in my dreams. In fact, every dream involved other people, too.

In another dream, I saw him with a huge Afro. It was indoors. The space looked gray and huge. There was a granite counter between us and he just walked passed it and me.

In the most recent dream, I was sleeping on the beach. I had a whole thing to sleep on and everything. I woke up to the police crew which was actually his co-workers. Apparently to the left of me was a dead body buried. I didn't sense anything and didn't realize it until I was well past that area. But when I realized what happened and turned around, I screamed. He immediately went down on his knees. It was almost ritualistic, but he could've known the deceased. I actually might have an idea what that could be about.

These dreams are so obscure that dream dictionary's aren't of much insight. Some obscurities might be revealed. But most of my dreams are interpreted with more depth and clarity. I don't usually need dreams to be aware of what's going on, but that extra echo makes me focus on it more. This is something else. It's unusual. And I'm not sure what to do with it. Lately I haven't been sleeping well, either, unless someone's lying next to me. But I'm not sure how healthy it is or if it's fair to any guy.

Skate Through It

I recently went ice skating, and I'm giddy to report I didn't fall and was able to actually skate! Okay, so being able to ice skate at 27 may not seem particularly impressive, but I've gone ice skating before many, many times and I could hardly stand. I understand the instructions given to me, the proper technique I must execute to skate, but in the past my body has always locked up. I'm not sure why this time it was different.

Maybe it's because I've become more intuitive, can feel that everything has energy and I was able to channel my friend's relaxing vibe, or I've developed a better control of my body and learned to manage my stressors better. After all my body locking up was just a physical reaction to my extreme psychological fears. Without them, I can skate through it. Through my fears, through my thoughts...

Over time I was moving forward more easily but with added tension. Eventually my speed was increasing. Sometimes I had to stop over it. When I sang along to the music that was playing, I was doing much better. Maybe it had to do with the fact that skating required so much of my physical attention that my thoughts began to slip away and somehow it allowed me to deal with some things I've been struggling with. I was able to skate through it.

My thoughts sound the same as what I've told myself before, but this time it feels a little different. It's as if some subconscious epiphany has changed me. Of course, I can't prove it because it's all in my subconscious. That's just my intuition about it. What's in my past and what's behind me is there. I can't make it go away. But it feels nice to move forward, to feel the air around me. And that's what for the first time in a long time I want.

The more enjoyable moving forward is, the more comfortable I'm becoming about leaving my past behind me and even accepting the possibility that my future may not hold who I currently desire. And that's okay. I just have to skate through it.

The Traveler's Spark?

The less I think of the idea of traveling (not that I've given it much conscious thought) and the more I resonate on the idea of it, the more intriguing and less frightening, impossible, and radical it becomes. Or maybe it's a new level of awareness I reached with a guy. There are two guys that I really like. One I've known for a few years now, and we've developed a deep connection with each other. But our undying habit of keeping each other at a distance hasn't allowed much growth in our relationship. With his financial troubles, he moved out of state and is now considering taking a job on a cruise. So he's not really around. There's another guy who I'm really beginning to really like, but I guess every situation has challenges to hurdle. Although I may be rash in interpreting hesitation, a natural reaction before something serious develops as defeat. But I want to stay focused on topic, though.

I have been feeling stagnant, but today I feel more lively, lighter. I found some writing inspiration and found a way to channel something I've been struggling with. It's titled "Dear Izzy" and I believe it's made a world of difference. I've also come to some realization about something. Sometimes I need to immerse myself fully in something, no matter how painful or negative it is and not let other factors tether me down. It's more devastating, but once I know what I'm dealing with, the better I can handle it and that's a necessary step to move forward. I felt imprisoned for the past three years, not able to let go and I'm no longer trying to force a separation. Honesty is the best medicine.

I just want to take this moment to appreciate the mood I'm in. As I entered the library as I've been doing for so long now as I do on a regular basis, I realized how stagnant I've been as I continue the same motions everyday. Then the idea of traveling became a welcome idea. :) I'm not sure it's something I want to jump into right away, but I like that I'm beginning more open to it. It's no longer this foreign, impossible lifestyle outside of my reach and potential.

A Succession of Experiences, Leading Up to Day 250

I'm not even sure where to begin. I've been struggling with what's more than an attraction to a friend of mine. I've been through the entire discouragement process and hesitation, both out of fear and out of what feels disappointingly "right." Whatever the Hell that means! I hate how barriers keep standing in the way because my premonitions deepen my feelings for him. And for what? Nothing to happen in reality? What kind of cruel and unusual punishment is that? But I'd rather not be the girl that dwells on a guy. I got enough crap going on in my life than to invest much more energy on an I wish boyfriend that doesn't appear to be going anywhere. But maybe I'm wrong? Hope I am...or maybe I don't?

My living situation is like a neglected open wound that gets worse and worse. I feel like all I've been doing is stagnantly complaining about it, and I hate that. I've resisted from blogging because I don't want to indulge in these compulsive thoughts and distaste, but this blog is supposed to reflect how I feel. Stagnancy is never good, but it's prevalent in my life. So I shouldn't turn the other cheek as though it isn't an issue because it most definitely is. But I'm finally making positive changes to alter that.

I wish I would've been willing to make positive changes without being driven the edge. I don't get it. I'm an assertive, opinionated, aggressive, hard working person but I tend to hesitate with transition unless it's pushed onto me. Aren't those two things mutually exclusive? Sometimes I feel like I'm a collection of fragmented pieces that make up a whole. Each piece of me is unique in its own right. It makes me special, multi-dimensional, insightful, and dynamic. But I'm also incomplete components, so I can be very half-hearted. These discrepancies have always existed in me, but the burdens from it have become more prevalent.

At least I learn from my mistakes. The motivation may not be there but I'm beginning to become aware of signs and changes before things become awry. I need to work on my willingness to make preparations from an alleged catastrophe because somewhere along the line I've lost that will, but the recognition and knowledge of it is a powerful tool I never had before. I used to mindlessly prepare for unidentifiable problems and running around taking those security measures to not realize the dangers right in front of me. I was so focused on the abstract, intangible, or distanced ones that I lost focus on what was right in front of me. Now I have a clearer perspective so when I am ready to take action, I'll know what direction I want to go and how I'd like to proceed.

I'm at a point in my life where I'm beginning to see through the universe's eyes. I'm starting to understand why I've gone through the pain I've gone through. Each experience has taught me something valuable. The rapidity of changes and the demanding frequencies is overwhelming but one I shouldn't deny. What am I going to do? Ignore my intuition and do what feels wrong because it's convenient? If I don't make these changes, inevitably it'll happen without my consent. I certainly don't want that.

This was something I wasn't ready to accept in the past because I felt like I was surrendering to the chaos but the chaos existed because I was rebelling against a higher power. I know this now. Maybe the only way to end the chaos in my life is to fulfill the universe's ultimate plan. It's not this helpless act I once thought it was. It's team work. It's seeing the big picture.

The Significance of An Experience is Defined by the Value We Give It,

The significance of an experience is defined by the value we give it. Something happened to me, and I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around it. How do I put into words what happened? Where do I begin? How do I do this?

I've always been a spiritual person, but I've only recently started to really explore it when that side of me surfaced in an undeniable sort of way. Not everyone has the beliefs I have and I respect that, but I believe what I know. My experiences define reality for me, as it does yours. I get premonitions.

Since then I've attracted a lot of spiritually-connected people, and I'm grateful to have met them. But it's inevitable to meet someone dark lurking in the shadows waiting to exploit others for whatever reason. And I was victim to one of them. God, I hate admitting that because I feel like I'm trying to absolve responsibility and I'm not. But no matter how much something irritates me to admit, it doesn't take away from reality.

That's why I decided to blog about this. It's such a personal, private, invasive, disgusting experience, and part of me wants to just forget about it. I'm so skilled at pushing thoughts, feelings, and experiences in the back of my mind. But it stays with me and builds on me. I created this blog to learn to be more open. I worry that if I ignore this and the next time something like this happens in a completely different setting that I'd snap and I don't want that. If I've learned anything in the past couple of years, it's that you can't ignore your feelings. No matter how much you hate the experience, what happened, what you did and didn't do, what happened happened.

I went to the beach with a friend and her friend wanted to come along. The first time I've ever heard her talk about him, I got a weird feeling. But I brushed it off since I didn't sense any danger and it was totally judgmental of me. When he wanted to join us, I had a WTF sort of feeling. But I ignored it that, too.

My friend and I began talking about the emotional and spiritual impact that the beach has on a person's soul and how different places possess different spiritual properties that restores, rejuvenates, and invigorates us in a way as uniquely as the elements that represent them. When my friend's friend, the dark "spiritualist" returned (because he went back to his apartment twice - first to get us a blanket and second time to park my friend's car in a different spot), he joined the existing conversation. It felt natural to talk about meditation, spiritual powers, premonitions, the energies that exist in all of us, etc. He asked if he could read my energy by taking my hand.

I let him. His hands sandwiched mine. I tried to be as open as possible, but I warned him that I've become detached lately. Within seconds, I felt a transference of energy leave me. It was slight, mild, brief, but I imagined seeing it. It felt more pulled away from me than I released it, but I also know that I gave it to him. Shortly after he said that my powers come from my past, and he offered to open up my chakra and explore the energies within me.

I've always been fairly open to that stuff, but I did question his level of power at one point because he wanted my friend's participation. He asked her to close her eyes, put her hand on my head, and think of the most highest power and direct it towards me. It seemed fine at the time. I was cold, so I covered myself in the blanket. I also put on my sunglasses to protect my eyes from the sand. He began to place his hands over my body. It began with his hand around my belly button area and he started pressing around it, which reminded me of a pap smear.

I thought it was odd but I'm new to this. Now I feel incredibly stupid because this creeper probably exploits the unawareness of girls to further his agenda. And I fell for it! I never thought I'd become one of those girls who just takes it out of uncertainty. I always thought to myelf, "How do you not know?" I guess ignorance is an easier practice than awareness.

He continued to do this under my clothing. I had a top on and a bathing suit underneath. I distinctly remember him traveling his hand to my left boob through the inner top of my bikini instead of from slipping his hand from the bottom of the bikini. I opened my eyes for a second because I questioned that action only to see his eyes open and focused, rather than sexually pleased. His hands were cupping my boob so closely that I felt his hand resting on my nipple. There was no fonding, no squeezing, just physical contact. When I asked myself if this is okay, a spiritualist I met at a crystal house responded, "No, it's not."

Out of everyone there, I could sense and feel her powers. I was drawn to her. It was concentrated. When she sits there and observes, it's just such an infusion of controlled strength. When she talks to people, the energy subdues. It isn't this captivating sense but turns into this open and receptive energy surrounded by a sense of tangibility like you can reach her or at least see her. She isn't a million miles away like she seems when she's sitting there silently or at least that's the way it was for me.

So it was incredible that I could feel her presence there with me when she wasn't but she was. Before I could make sense of any of it, the dark spiritualist had already slipped his hand to my other boob. It all happened so quickly that I'm not even sure what part of my bikini area he slipped his hand through. It's like when I returned, his hand was already placed there.

I'm beginning to realize both the burden and dangers of over-thinking because I'm not focused, not focused on how I feel. My head's too busy spinning. My first thought was, "What the fuck?" That should've been enough to make him stop, but I proceeded into my analytical nature by asking is this okay, how do you know if it is, remembering that I've never had this done before, so I'm not aware of the etiquettes, etc. All these questions overwhelmed me and distracted me from what should've been done. My mind may have been confused but my spirit wasn't because I kept telling myself to not freak out. I still don't know how to control my power, so keep myself in check. You don't want to release something you can't control; you don't want to release something you can't control. Then it ended there.

He seemed collected enough but also disturbed by what he "saw." I question his honesty and integrity, but intuitively I believe that he was genuinely freaked out. As well he should! Was it something he could've faked? Absolutely. It's a perfect profile move to make and I don't doubt that a person like that would do such a thing, but I truly believe that he was frightened spiritually.

It was damp on the bridge of his nose on the right side. Where did that miscellaneous liquid come from? He was characteristically disturbed and said that I was murdered in my past life. I had no reaction. No fear, no intrigue, no shock, no curiosity, an absence of anything. How unlike me and this wasn't because I was still shocked. That was my reaction to his claim.

He began elaborating that I was a man in my past life, that I was interested in Buddhism, I wasn't a practicing monk but many of my friends were and that I was drawn to it, the source of my dark powers come from others, that the dark karma in me isn't my own but was put there, I resisted for a long time but eventually it became a part of me, and I was spiritually murdered by those who were jealous of my powers. He said that I was a good person in my past life.

There may be elements of truths to that because con artists twist the truth. They manipulate it to their advantage. They turn truths into their allies. I do believe that I have some dark karma carried over from my past life because unbelievable things keep happening to me in unimaginable ways. I believe I have a strong source of power, and I fear that it comes from a dark place. Others have sensed this from me, as well. But I'm skeptical about what he told me in particular. For one thing, I wasn't very open.

He was shivering and shaking from that experience. He claimed it's because he's really cold, but he broke through something and that we can continue it at his apartment. Now, I'm a lot more level-headed. My friend has intuitive powers, too, whether she's aware of it or not. Or maybe she was channeling me. I don't know, but it was her that was advocating on my behalf when I was still in a speechless state of shock.

What a bastard! First he says the ocean has good energy, which it does. He lives across the fucking street from the ocean and claims that he doesn't need a jacket. Then after exploring my chakras he's shaking because he's cold and suggests continuing in his apartment. Are you shitting me? Like you can't measure the temperature and plan accordingly, you jack ass! But I felt that it was more than the cold. He felt my power.

By then I knew I was more powerful than he is. He probably got terrified by it. And good! I'm glad he got freaked out. Karma, bitch! You do something bad. And you feel bad. He left to get his jacket, while my friend and I stayed behind. As he walked away, I came close to my friend and asked her if he ever did that to her. He kept looking back nervously. Now why would someone do such a thing? I wonder...

My friend agreed that it wasn't appropriate, that it's totally invasive and if he were going to do that that I should've been warned. I totally agree. I was demonstrating what he was doing to me by grabbing at her boobs. For a while we were having that conversation and she wasn't aware that he went under my clothing and bikini! She was shocked. She already knew it was unacceptable before I explained it clearly enough. And of course it fucking is! How could I have been so stupid????

What the Hell is honestly wrong with me? The fact that I kept telling myself to stay grounded, to not release the dark energy in me, that wasn't enough to tip me off? Really, really? When did I become so fucking special ed? When did I become a participating victim offering implied consent?

Don't get me wrong. This guy's a jerk. I'm by no means trying to transfer blame on myself to minimize his. But I do believe that we train how others treat us. They'll do whatever they want, but to deny that we don't have an influence is naive. I didn't say or do anything that expressed disapproval or address how completely unacceptable that is. He deserved to know, and I kept it from him.

It's crazy to think that, in reality, I was sexually harassed and it qualifies as being molested. But it wasn't an extreme form. I wasn't traumatized by it. I know it happened, though, because I was there. And yet I didn't react in a way I would've suspected someone to react, so I wouldn't blame someone for doubting me. Something fucked up happened to me and I end up feeling guilty because of my own actions or lack of. I'm left feeling inadequate more than invaded. This isn't something I should even be burdened to feel.

The old me would've ripped him to shreds. I'm small, but don't think for a second that I can't do any damage. I made a guy piss blood for a week after he crossed the line with me and I saw him telling a girl to sit on his lap right in front of me (boyfriend at the time). Oh and I dislocated his nose. And I've done way worse. If I let the old me out, this guy would've had a distinct deep scar on his cheek that people can't ignore left as a reminder of what he did to me. I would've easily injured him in the knees.

If a person has a scar on their face and walks awkwardly, people easily become suspicious. Now I keep thinking to myself, how many other girls will he continue to do this to because I haven't done my part to discourage him? I doubt this was his first time and considering how he got away with it, it won't be his last. But if I were to give him the benefit of the doubt and say this was his first time, what's to stop him from doing it again? He developed no social conditioning against it. If I had fucked him up, he'd think twice before doing it again. He'd wake up to that experience every morning when he looked at himself. That's what should've been done.

I don't have a problem with violence. I believe it serves a purpose in society. It's misused, abused, and resorted to too recklessly, but I'm not against the existence or selective practice of it. This would've been a good example of that.

You could judge me all you want and think until you turn blue that I was stupid for not reacting. I feel that I deserve that reaction. But it makes me so livid that people like him exist and puts people in those types of situations. The truth is that if he was going to do something like that, you should warn someone AND get permission. If you didn't ask permission because you felt uncomfortable, you shouldn't do it! He's a creep, but he's by no means stupid. He's socially aware that it's taboo.

I was invaded and question the seriousness and degree of that experience because my reaction wasn't the classic victimized one. I feel inadequate over my ability to process experiences. I felt guilty for indulging in who I am because it left me vulnerable. I feel like crap for being so ignorant and lacking in common sense. Then I feel bad because I've invested more energy in making myself feel worse, as if he hasn't already done that only to realize that I've neglected to channel hatred towards him. It's exhausting!

My friend believed me, but she was still shocked by what happened. She was both surprised and impressed that I intuitively disliked him from the beginning. She kept asking over and over and over why he would do something like that, while simultaneously mourning for the death of their friendship because she enjoys the spiritual conversations she had with me. And she wonders why he didn't do that to her because he had plenty of opportunities. Can you make it more about you? I don't want to be burdened with her excess thoughts, too, but it just came out of her like word vomit. The most intolerable thing for me was how she kept expressing guilt for introducing me to him because she felt like she shared the blame. That really aggravated me because I don't blame her for this, but the more she said it, the more hostility I felt toward her because by repeating it, it's like she's ignoring me. Doing that to someone can be a form of disrespect and I already experienced enough of that that day.

Don't get me wrong. I know she didn't mean to. But I was already feeling the pressure. That's how I felt and what was going through my mind. I'm not even sure how I was supposed to feel. How can I possibly give her some or any sense of closure? I don't have the resources, knowledge, or energy to. And at the time, I didn't have the desire to, either.

Since I can be a dark and perverse person, I can understand why someone would do something like that. There's thrill in getting away with something. And while it was happening, I realized the genius behind his plan. Yes, I honestly thought this and I still didn't do anything. I guess I thought if it wasn't sexual, then it's not invasive. But it's also unnecessary and a form of respect to not do stuff like that! How did that thought not click in my mind?

It makes perfect sense to do exactly that. Maybe a sexually stimulating opportunity like that hadn't presented itself around my friend. Maybe she's not his type. Who knows? Who cares? I didn't want to over analyze anymore because it was that that made me miss such an obvious truth, that what he did was unacceptable.

We parted ways and hung out with another friend. Him, I love and I was so happy to see him because it was his presence that made that day a good day. If it wasn't for him, the entire day would've been terrible. We were just at his place hanging out and having a good time.

It's kind of nuts how something like that can happen and then I can turn around and enjoy the rest of my day, as though nothing happened. There's danger in that. I have so many psychological pockets of escape where dark thoughts hide until it breeds and mutates into something else. By then, it's hard to tell where it came from, what it was born out of it, or that it's even there. But you know what? I realized instead of tripping about how I feel about something, how I don't feel about something, this is what came to me. This is my quote: "The significance of an experience is defined by the value we give it."

THE SIGNIFICANCE OF AN EXPERIENCE IS DEFINED BY THE VALUE WE GIVE IT.

I'm glad and proud of myself for not allowing the earlier day's experience to tarnish the evening. I FINALLY have a phone! It was brought to my attention a while back that all of my ringtones are suggestive. Background story: This guy I was going out with made me come to this realization. At first, I was in denial and resisted it until I embraced it. We were lying in bed snuggling, talking, and maybe there was a kiss or two involved. It was definitely romantic and intimate, but it wasn't sexually heating up yet when all of a sudden I get a call with a ringtone "I'm a prisoner of love, prisoner of love!!!" I jumped out of bed with a sigh of "finally!" He asked me who the fuck is that? My other friend's ringtone is Savage Garden's Crash 'n Burn. He grins at me and says, "you know all of your ringtones are suggestive, right?" Well to this day, I carry that theme. Continuation and return to original point: I told my friends that I need suggestive ringtones.

One of them is a foreigner, so she didn't understand the connotation of "suggestive." We spent a better duration of the evening making suggestive jokes. It was pretty hilarious, but is it weird that I can be so lighthearted after such an experience? Am I in that much of a denial phase? Did I just suppress it? Am I that desensitized? Does it really bother me? If it does, then how come I was able to function as though nothing happened? Am I that broken? Did it not bother me because it meant nothing to me? That's just as twisted. I can go on forever about why I reacted the way I did, but it is what it is.

I talked to a friend about it, and he opened up to me about his own experiences, things I wouldn't dare elaborate on. But there's one thing he said that gave me comfort. He didn't know it was wrong. It didn't feel wrong to him. It felt weird but not wrong. Sometimes you just don't know. And there are people in this world who take advantage of that.

It's a tragic reality. They take something away from us when that happens. I left feeling confused, conflicted, inadequate, stupid, and I consciously carried it over with me. I told a co-worker about my experience at the beach, but I distorted the truth. What was I supposed to say to someone I've known for like a fucking week? That some jerk felt me up and I laid there like an idiot?

I don't want to title myself the moron, and it's not something he'd want to hear. But it bothers me that I felt the need to lie. I lied because I have a problem with the truth, with reality. And if that's the case, I shoud've said something. I should've done something. I can't control the actions others, but I could control my own. That's something I have to remember.

He's not the only person I lied to, either. I guess this blog is like my form of confession. I'm releasing it because I'm hoping it'll heal me. But in all honestly, it doesn't hurt knowing that one friend doesn't read my blog. He complains about how long it is. Yet he reads like 400-500 page novels! Maybe he does read my blog. It's a beautiful lie I sometimes like to indulge in.

I feel so stupid. A couple days before all of this happened, he was showing me some jiu jitsu moves. The truth is that I could've really damaged this guy, but I didn't let myself realize what was really happening or I'm just that dense. I'm still not really sure. I'm not ready to tell him the truth. Maybe I never will be, but I certainly feel bad about lying, not enough to confess directly, though. So this is all I have to offer. If by any chance you're reading this, thank you for providing me with the knowledge I could've used. It's crazy how I learned those moves at a point in my life before I could've used them. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, but I also believe that we don't always take advantage of it.

As for my co-worker, he doesn't even know about the existence of this blog unless he read my facebook profile and observed the link to this blog but few people do. It's interesting how many people are unaware of my blog. After mutual friends and acquaintances complimented me on my blog around a closer friend of mine, I realized how many people don't read it and how much I'd like them to. So I sent out what seems like an impersonal mass email, but it's 100% genuine. It shares some insights and depths into why I blog and why I chose a select group of people to share it with for reasons that aren't as tangible but an intuitive desire.

I appreciated the outcome of that decision, so I decided to every so often send that email out whenever I meet people I'd like to share my thoughts with. I met some amazing people at work that I plan to send that mass email out to. If you do take the time to read my blog, please know that I chose you because you have made a bigger impact in my life than you realize. Writing to me is an intimate practice, and it means the world to me.