Getting Tired of this Bullshit!

Okay, I've had it! I'm tired of being emo! I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of my depressing entries. I'm tired of exhausting myself emotionally and spiritually cuz I'm too fucked up in the head. Time for a major deep emotional cleanse cuz I can't, I REFUSE, to keep going on like this.

All my pains and fears are real and not to pull the childhood card but understandable. I ran away from home at 12, bounced around in foster homes and group homes. I've never really been a part of a loving home or environment and the one I was exposed to, I mostly hid away from. Those are explanations, but they shouldn't be what keeps drowning me. I try to stay away from the water, but I keep walking into it cuz I'm terrified about what's out there on land. Then I panic as I drown. Well what the fuck do I expect? I put myself in these situations.

I want to be happy. I found someone who makes me happy. Yes, I'm scared. I've been burned in the past. So I what burn him before he tries to burn me when he's given me no indication that he will burn me? That makes my defensive maneuvers just malicious and paranoid. When I go further deep into my thoughts, I know I'm not doing this cuz I'm scared he'll burn me; I'm terrified that he won't. It's a universal fear, so I'm not alone in it. I'm not crazy for experiencing it, but I'm tired.

This is just like when I gave up on my adolescent anger and violence cuz as an adult, it required too much energy to maintain it. As Head Cashier at Walgreens, the impatience of a customer led to cops being called. Extreme much? Now I've handled escalated calls and manage irate people and molding them into gentler beings. That's an unbelievable transformation! I have to do the same with this.

Yes, it's depressing how I got motivated. Fear of losing someone. My actions are still rarely triggered through self desire and more from external sources, but that's another issue. I'm not going to delay this recovery process by weighing myself down with other issues I have. Not cuz I'm in denial but cuz I'm focused and determined to overcome this.

I'm always going to trust people who don't deserve it throughout my life. That can't be a reason to hide myself away. I have to be strong enough to be willing to put myself in a vulnerable situation. I used to think I could never get over the pain, but that's obviously not true. Now I'm just terrified of it more cuz I know what I'm in for IF that happens. This fear has to be put down cuz I'm becoming vindictive in sustaining my sense of security.

I have no reasons to distrust you, so I slowly find myself warming up to you which is the precursor to vulnerability. So I fabricate reasons to distrust you by punishing you for being honest and distorting the truth to keep my fears alive. These two entities can co-exist within me. I either open myself up or I shut myself down. I can't keep fluctuating between the two. For one thing, I'm going to malfunction. Of course, each force wants to sustain its existence and is powerful. But one has to die and I want it to be my dark side.

I want to be happy. I want to treat him the way he deserves to be treated. My friends appreciate me for being intuitive, insightful, supportive, and inspiration. He likes me. He finds me fun, interesting, caring, smart, kind, good-hearted but he also thinks I'm a bit selfish, bratty, childish, and uncompassionate. These are my old qualities that haven't completely died off, but I've been resurrecting them against him to keep me from getting hurt emotionally. These qualities I've been expressing aren't actually a true reflection of who I am. I hope it's not too late and I have the opportunity to show him who I truly am. He's sensed it and that's why he likes me. I want him to know that side of me.

I'm tired of hurting him. I'm tired of the recycled apologies. If I thought I was going to hurt him again, I would've let this go once and for all. But I can do this!!!

It sounds insane and forced, but desperate measures! Our subconscious thoughts are echoes of our conscious minds, and we don't even know what our subconscious thoughts are until our conscious minds allow them to surface. Sometimes we don't even get any insight, though. If someone's a really amazing person and you have to repeat it, it'll make you question if it's really true. Like why are you trying so hard to be so convincing? But that's a generalized belief. Everything is too personal. Besides I don't want a general perception to keep me from moving forward.

For self-love to grow, I have to feed myself with self-love. It requires a lot of attention and support. I have to be reminded cuz I'm forgetful and my negativity will beat down every positive attributes I include into a space that was once only occupied by malicious thoughts. So I have to constantly give myself flowers and a lot of them cuz many will be sacrificed in the battle. Gives flower power a whole new meaning.....

And it's not just me. If I'm turning someone into an enemy and distort reality so convincingly, I have to use the truth to clear my senses. Why the fuck would I get mad at someone for falling asleep when he's tired cuz I wanted to spend time with him? If he was just a friend, I wouldn't resent him for it. I'd cover him with a blanket and be quiet or move to an insulated spot, so he can rest without distraction. But I interpreted his exhaustion as a rejection cuz if it were true, then I can leave and abandon my fears of facing these things. I wish I wasn't so fucked up in the head.

I hope it's not too late. But more importantly, I'm learning from this. It shouldn't have gotten to this point, but I'm going to turn poison into medicine!

Friendship Aborted!

If you're a racist, sexist, or homophobe, WE'RE NOT FRIENDS! If you've already revealed yourself to be any of these and I continue to maintain a civilized interaction with you it's because I've learned that as natural as it for me to experience anger towards you in an almost effortless sort of way, it's an exhausting energy I don't want to exert. You're just not worth it. As distasteful as your position is, you're an adult. Your belief is one you have a right to have. No matter how much I disapprove of it, that's undeniable.

When I was younger, I was a lot more intolerant, hot-tempered, and susceptibly confrontational. Those were undeniably leading factors but deep down inside, I thought maybe if I screamed violently enough, those imbecile thoughts of yours would burst and you might change as you gain new experiences. But since I'm older now and although people can go a lifetime without some of the most basic and fundamental of experiences, I've resorted to assuming that you've had time to make the most informed decision you'll allow yourself to make.

It's easier for me emotionally to accept this, too. I've got enough things to stress about in life. You're certainly not worth my energy. It's interesting how people don't realize they're wearing blinders. We perceive the world through our own understanding, our exposures and each person's is different. We're limited in what we can experience, so to believe that your life experience is enough to understand how things work is arrogant when it comes to something like this.

Now let me be frank, jokes about these things I have a tolerance for. Yes, I'm aware it's in poor taste and it's insensitive. Maybe it's because I can be callous, but I don't mind exchanging a few insults to gain some humor. I'm not always the classiest girl. What can I say? Maybe I cross the line, but I'm in a gray area. Since I'm not the one who gets hurt, I don't feel the pain and, more importantly, I understand that when it's a joke, it's a joke. Of course, not everyone will see it that way and that's something to consider. But my main concern is when you vehemently believe that it's justified and even acceptable to be a racist, sexist, or homophobe.

My position is inclusive to all three forms of discrimination, but what triggered this entry? A racist....former friend. There are cultural truths to certain stereotypes. I won't deny that. To recognize them is to be aware. I won't fault you for observational skills. But if you open your eyes wider, you'll discover that there are also inconsistencies and oppositions within those stereotypes, too, which is what makes being racist repugnant and unreliable.

Everyone is so different and unique. We may be connected to our upbringing and our culture, but we're also a separate entity from it, as well. Each person delivers a subliminally original vibration because of their individuality, unlike any other person. To dislike or hate a group of people over a generalized stereotype that's glued itself to certain races is a dangerous and tragic combination of ignorance and unintelligence. It's such a demonstration of how small minded you are because you only see one aspect and refuse to see anything else.

One day I went back to retrieve my water bottle but I was delirious from sleep deprivation and said I forgot my watermelon when, in fact, I forgot my water BOTTLE. There was no watermelon. The guy asks "are you black?" I'm not offended at this point. He says he hates watermelon and I'm shocked cuz I love watermelon and I share this with him. I guess it was one of those share moments, and he shares with me that he also hates black people, everyone single one of them and goes on a tangent about why they deserve his hatred. He goes on about how he abhors their ignorance as if he's absent of any, while simultaneously demonstrating to me an example of ignorance.

I'm left with this mixture of confusion, sadness, and anger. But before I elaborate on my reaction, I should probably backtrack to what he said so it makes sense to anyone who's reading this rant. He says that black people still bitch about slavery and want to get paid for suffering they didn't endure, it's greedy, selfish, unfair, stupid, and whiny. It's been fucking years. Quit your bitching! Nobody cares anymore. I hate every single one of them! As he's spewing all this, his girlfriend is looking at him both tenderly and sternly to stop. She knows what kind of man she got involved with and chooses to accept this side of him, but even she felt the need to silence him.

My mind was split. My heart was barely saddened by this outcome, as though maybe I already knew. The sadness barely sank in as my mind kicked in, rationalizing that he isn't worth any emotion. It's not tragic that he aborted our friendship; it'd be tragic if I never knew what kind of person he truly is. One side of me knew he wasn't worth investing a conversation with. Why engage in a futile battle? The other side wanted to react but was so bombarded with all this new information, it left me discordant. It took me a couple of days to gather thoughts the adolescent me would've instantly been able to address.

This is where my hesitation builds because this is such a sensitive subject and I don't want to offend anyone, but I also want to be honest about how I feel and give others an opportunity to make an informed decision about what they really feel about me. After reading this, some people may decide that they no longer want me as their friend. I hope that's not the case, but that's a choice they should be able to make. So I'll proceed in my thought.....

There are no words to describe how horrible it was for blacks to suffer slavery, and unfortunately it took much longer than it should have for people to come to this gripping reality. Those who lived a life of slavery weren't compensated for it. Not that any form of payment would justify or neutralize the cruelty, but no attempt could be made as many of them were deceased by the time equality kicked in. A true tragedy but to ask financial compensation for your ancestors suffering is albeit disconnected or at least that's the way I feel.

When a victim is injured from a car accident, do your spouse and offspring get compensated or do you, the injured victim, get compensated? That's the perspective I carry. But everyone's position is different and you're entitled to believe and desire whatever you want. Consider it to be in bad taste that SOME blacks want to be paid for their ancestors suffering. But what about the ones who don't feel that way? If you hate black people for a specific belief system that not every black person feels, why compartmentalize that every black person believes this? Do you really believe no black person disagrees? Where's the logic in that?

You can't be selective in your conclusion? Is it too much effort to sift through differing opinions? Obviously. And that's where his stupidity takes over the stage. Quite a bit of black people have expressed a desire for compensation and many of them live in the U.S. Of course, that isn't to say that Africans around the world can't carry that opinion, too, but this guy just goes on and on about this profiled type of blacks, as if there aren't other types of Africans around the world far beyond the scope of what he can imagine. To him, they all want a hand out, are ghetto, and uneducated.There are Africans in third world countries who have little to nothing to survive on and live self-sufficiently without expecting any assistance. Some of them never leave their home country and know multiple languages. He only knows what he observes and what he chooses to keep his eyes glued to.

After the burdensome process of being offended by his ignorance and callousness, I'm left saddened and in a twisted way morbidly curious of his resilience against open-mindedness. This guy demonstrated unintelligence, but he's actually rather smart, quick-minded, and educated. He can think expansively. If I carried his belief and thought all black people were idiots and saw how many blacks there are, I would've become desperate to find the ones that are intelligent because I don't want to think that they're all horrible. Wouldn't it be better if they were good people?

I'm sure I veered off in a selfishly discombobulated way, but it really makes wonder how people can be okay with being so hateful. It's a conflicting, violent feeling. It's unpleasant and negative. It has adverse effects. Why would you be content in that state of mind?

This actually means more to me than I'm willing to express. I don't feel that my black friends need to be defended for their beauty, maturity, success, intelligence, creativity, and all the other amazing qualities they possess because to me this isn't an argument I feel I have to win. This is just me processing all of this. But it was hurtful to me and not because I grew up in San Francisco and we're unbelievably tolerant or that so many of my friends are black, along with every other race you can think of. More importantly, my mother's white and my brother's white and black. They saved me when they adopted me. For anyone to hate them without knowing them is more of a loss for you than it ever will be for them. But it still stings.

The Unexpected Friends Who Remind me of the Value of Friendship, Day 289

This title and "reincarnation" of this entry is so much better than "I Shouldn't Have to Give You Instructions on How to be a Good Friend". I was in a situation where I really needed my friends, and the only three people I could really open up to about these things were unavailable to me. I was filled with resentment, frustration, pain, confusion, disappointment, selfishness, hypocrisy, and such negativity. I'll elaborate on it and I feel like my position was mostly valid, but it's such an unhealthy perspective to carry. Now I feel like I can step back and see the big picture instead of the distortion I was focusing on.

Every action has a consequence. Sometimes that's a good thing. If I had written an entry when I felt abandoned, I believe it would've been written well and it would've been very powerful. But I would've channeled something dark. So it wouldn't have been emotionally healthy. It would've be chaotic and full of hurt. So this is better even if it doesn't have that same raw intensity because there are more important things in life than my writing. This is something I especially want to be conscientious of when things aren't going so great, so that I step back and meditate on what truly matters and what's worth my time.

I've been having premonitions about a guy I liked for about a good year now. Not the entire time but you get the picture. I saw some things I wasn't ready to face. He's someone I usually go to about these things, but I don't want to scare him and it's not something I really want to share with him. He's one of the three people I can open up to and if it came down to it, I believe he'd be there for me. But I didn't test it out. It's not his fault he wasn't there for me. So I don't blame him at all. It was just difficult being alone in all of this.

I have so many friends, and people remind me of that all the time. But there's only three people I feel I could truly talk to about these things and in this particular case it was only two. One friend, I straight up asked him if it could just be the two of us because I really need to talk to him. I was clear that I really needed someone to talk to, and he chose to spend time with his girlfriend. He invited me along, but this wasn't a hang out for me and I believe I was clear about it.

I hate being an exclusivist but eventually I was open with both of them. I'm friends with her, too, but this is really private and intimate to me. She understands how close we are. I told them both that I'd like to only talk with him. She wasn't jealous but absent-mindedly selfish complaining about how she wants to know and doesn't like being excluded. Of course, he chooses to accommodate her over me. That really disappointed me because I would never do that. While I don't want to hurt anyone, I understand how difficult it is to open up. So I'd rather help my friend in need than satisfy someone's desires to be a part of everything. That's just not reality.

I was mostly disappointed in my friend's position because I've never known him to be like that. As for my other friend, she's a good person but I find her to be a lot more selfish around me than around others, so I wasn't too surprised by her reaction. Don't get me wrong. She wasn't trying to hurt me. I know that and I love her, but she was just killing me!

I'm not going to lie. That night I felt like she was enemy territory. She has no idea how selfless, considerate, and overly thoughtful she is of others. I became the person who showed her and assured her it's okay to be selfish and it is. But I feel like I become the friend everyone feels comfortable being selfish around. I'm happy that they're making progress in their emotional self-growth, but I hate feeling like I'm the only one paying the price for it. I get the short end of the stick.

Her friend molested me once and she spent the better portion of the evening constantly alternating between endless apologies and the incessant "Why didn't he molest me?" and "how sad now that I can't be friends with him because I love how we can talk about meditation and spirituality." Really? Are you kidding me? Do you not realize how incredibly inappropriate and selfish that is to bring up at a time like that? And in case you're wondering, she believes me. It's just when she doesn't understand something, she runs around in circles and can be rather oblivious.

I don't blame her at all for that guy's actions, and I know she carries that guilt with her. I wish she would just unburden herself. But I hated how she couldn't just be there for me. And when this happened, she was another road block. I can't understand why she just can't turn her selfishness off for me, her friend, for just a brief amount of time. She tells me straight up that she wants to hang out with just him, so she understands the irreplaceable bond between two people. I may not be his girlfriend but a bond is a bond. She has to know that.

But I fully understand that regardless of her position, he had a choice. And he chose her. I hate thinking in terms like this, though, and I resent him for putting me in this situation. I'm a friend in need. He hangs out with her all the time. I felt like he was being selfish, a crappy friend, neglectful, and in a way saying your pain is a lower priority for me, enough to disregard anyways. On the other hand, though, let's examine me for a moment, shall we?

I'm pissed because my friend won't make time for me. I'm pissed because my friend didn't choose to separate from what's making him unbelievably happy to enter a paralleled world that isn't his own to help someone else when he could be where he wants to be. I'm asking him to strip himself away from happiness. What kind of friend does that make me?

I suppose it doesn't matter because he never made time for me after all.....

I have another friend who I feel I can share just about anything with. Yet we can't always be there for each other. He was going through a lot, too. I don't want to further burden him. I really don't. But paradox is a bitch. As much as I didn't want to bother him, I so desperately wanted to feel better and it ached for me that he was suffering, too. We can both be selfish and stubborn as all Hell, but we have this innate capacity to really be there for each other. We never let the perpetuating negativity consume us and amplify when the two energies merge. We're good for each other. I could've helped him, just like he could've helped me. And it sucked that he went MIA, so that didn't happen.

As much as I'm promoting altruism, it's undeniable the selfish position I stood on. After all if he needs space, that's what he should have. Even if I could help him, sometimes we want what we want. And who am I to really say that me being there for him would've been better than the path he chose?

I'm just really disappointed because I understand the desire to choose your own happiness than help someone else in pain because once you feel theirs, it permeates you. But I always do it for my friends. I have premonitions of what kind of relationship I can have with this guy that I've liked for so long and my friend doesn't know this, but I went to visit him instead of stay and let that relationship grow. I took a plane to make sure he was okay because he was heartbroken instead of build on my own happiness.

I know my friend sensed it because he asked me what I would've done this weekend if I didn't visit him and I told him to not worry. I lied to him and said nothing more important than this. He could see right through the deceit and I can tell his heart was breaking for me and he felt bad because he's a good friend. He apologized and I ignored him. That's what I did for him. And he couldn't even send me an impersonal text? That hurts.

The timing sucked. I felt so alone. I felt even crummier hanging out with my couple friend. Earlier in the day was fun. I made a new friend, but things took a turn as premonitions flooded me. I know my well intentioned friend just wanted to make sure I was okay, and I totally lied to her. What was I supposed to do? Ruin the evening by accusing her of contributing to our other friend being a selfish friend and hash out that jerk who molested me that she's already haunted by? What would that solve? I pretended to be okay, but I was doing a terrible job. She accused me of never being like that, and that really irritated me. I've been like that for months because of the new dynamics of our friendship. She was always just too oblivious and self-involved with everyone else's feelings but mine to realize. So for her to tell me how I am really struck a nerve.

We ended up going to a crystal house which was much needed, a spiritual experience for a spiritual struggle. That's exactly what I needed, and our ride turned out to be someone who was there during the best day of my life! I talked to him the least, but it was so refreshing to see a familiar face associated with a positive time. We totally bonded and it was just great!

It's thanks to him that this blog has a completely different tone. It's still really difficult for me to express gratitude, but I hope he feels it and understands what he's done for me. Just his presence, the opportunity to see him again, and taking us to the crystal house was just incredible. He's so laid back and we began talking about writing and the value of experiences for self-growth. He wants to read my blog and he's exactly the kind of person I want reading this. But I didn't want to give it to him without including this entry because I'm so grateful for what he did for me. Sometimes the most precious thing is priceless, to be there for someone. You were just a ride and a stranger, but thank you so much!

And when we arrived, I had an opportunity to talk with a spiritualist who that night became my friend. I remember I instantly sensed a different presence in her when I first met her. There was a group of people, and I was drawn to her. She gave me some great advice last time and is so talented. I asked to speak with her and she was so receptive.

I actually couldn't bring myself to tell her about what's been going on. I had her read what I wrote about it. She seemed so moved and not in a comforting, I'm there for you because you're in pain sort of way but in a I just hit a nerve and we now have a bond that's just ours sort of way. She puts it down and says in the most genuine way I've ever heard anyone say, "I completely understand." (And by the way that's a script I'm asked to recite to customers when we fail them, so I'm not moved by it very much nowadays). But when she said it, I felt something change in me. She goes through the same thing, but she had a different perspective but it happens to her in a different way. It was truly beautiful.

Thank you so much, both of you guys!

My Desire for This is Stronger Than my Need for It, Day 165

After months of being unemployed which became a full-time job of hitting job fairs, career centers, employment agencies, cold calling, temp positions, scrimping by, and killing myself in the process, I was offered the same position I was offered last year at around the same time. Had I have taken that job last year, I would've been financially-secure and better off as far as my living situation and life stability goes in the conventional sense. Maybe even in the literal sense. But actions have consequences.

For such a long time, I kicked myself for selecting a job that was less lucrative, had signs of financial insecurity, evidence of conflict, and many other things that really trapped me to stay there for all of the wrong reasons, forcing me into a lifestyle that's unfavorable. But after some long reflection, I realized that sometimes the right outcome is born through a series of wrong decisions. I now appreciate the experiences I gained from that job because I grew and evolved as a person. I never considered myself a bad person, but that job turned me into a more caring, compassionate, empathetic, and deeper person than I realized I could ever be. It made me a better person through those pains and struggles.

I also met some amazing people along the way. They've touched my life in ways they'll never know. I'm glad to have met them and truly believe that if it weren't for my previous job that I would've never really developed the relationship I now have with each and every one of them. The experiences are irreplaceable and life changing. The financial hardship defined and strengthened me as a person even as it weakened me. And it's not like I lost out on that other job offer. I just accepted it a year later.

I find it symbolic that I'm at the exact place I could've been last year at this time. I keep bringing it up and I'll continue to because it's so meaningful to me. Apparently there was a class in March, but I wasn't offered that program. Now I'm in a training program with a bunch of amazing people, and I can't stress enough how much I appreciate them. That'll be an entry called "My New Loves." Those words came from a friend at work. It's interesting. On facebook, so many of them put a deep and meaningful status update on the same day. We all have lives outside of work, but I noticed that many of us carried a similar significance in our lives. I mentioned that to someone at work. She said she's not surprised and that she doesn't think it's a coincidence that we all came together at the same time. I totally agree with her.

This job couldn't have come at a better time. I've already been late on two months' worth of rent. I was getting desperate. I need this job because I can't afford to get evicted. No one really can. I was resorting to cash exchanges with my food stamps. I'd buy food for my friends and they'd give me cash for it. I ran out of toilet paper and have to go to Burger King whenever I needed to use the bathroom. It's not a way to live.

If I do well, this job is financially-secure. It's at a convenient location. It'll give me an opportunity to move out and live somewhere that's more conducive to my self-growth and emotional maturity, as well as offering me safety benefits. Where I live now, my roommate's car got broken into. There have been incidences where homeless people have squatted under the stairwell. Bikes get stolen. A neighbor stalked my roommate until she decided to move out and this same guy nearly attacked me because I was associated to his old roommate. A girl who lives in the same complex and doesn't get along with others might be moving in here. She's also the same girl that almost stabbed her boyfriend. The landlord is manipulative, hostile, and borders on stalking. Yet I live here.

And that's just the objective reasons why I should move out. It doesn't even include the burdensome reasons that come with roommate situations. For almost a season now, the dishes have stacked up completely. It requires me to offer time I don't have just to wash an apple in the kitchen sink. Cooking becomes a near impossible mission.

Selfishness is masqueraded and manipulated into a way that's meant to stabilize my own self-interest, as though my desires are unreasonable through an illusion of higher maturity that doesn't exist. If I have to move your clutter around to make space, I will. And I do it in a way that keeps the kitchen functional. Sure, it exposes to the outside that we're filthy but I've exercised the best possible option. I'm not going to put the clutter back to make it more difficult for myself in the future. If you're so ashamed of the mess, do something about it just like I do with my own. Their approach is acceptable for someone who just moved out and are trying to cope with their messiness. I'm past that, though.

I need something more than that. And as small as it may seem, I feel that I need to be at a place where I can grow my own plants. I can't do that here. The fact that I can't makes me feel suffocated. To change my circumstance, I need financial security and stability.

This job is structured and organized, a welcome change. There are tests daily. I'm noticeably behind in absorbing and retaining the knowledge taught. I seem to be trapped in this permanent state of confusion, and I'm constantly stressed that I'll be eliminated as a candidate. I heard this is the first training where no one was eliminated the first week.

If I don't make it, I still owe money. I could get a legal eviction notice on my record that'll further damage my future. I'll return to using public restrooms and schedule my liquid consumption according to business hours, such an unhealthy, unhealthy lifestyle adjustment. I'll continue to be stuck in paralysis mode and be unable to not only move forward in the future, but I'll be dragged back, as well.

Obviously that's horrible. But I've gotten used to living, surviving, adapting, and accepting of a life that's abstract at best. I discovered that as frightening as it may be at times that I'm able to overcome my fears. I discovered that as near impossible as it seems that living next to impossible is still possible, and I can do it well.

The one thing I've always struggled with is validation. I need it. I seem to care less about the general opinions people have of me. And the truth is that most people do validate and accept me. It's something I haven't given myself, though. I live, breathe and see my inadequacies. I'm intimate with them. It leads me to believe that I don't deserve acceptance, but I'm finally beginning to open up those doors.

Somehow I turned this job into a test that defines whether I truly deserve to step into that room that says, "You're good enough. You deserve to be at a higher standard than you put yourself at. You're no longer the one with the inadequacies. You belong with your friends where you place them where they deserve to be placed at." I know that isn't healthy, but that's still how I feel. So my desire to do well at this job is stronger than my need for it.

The Significance of An Experience is Defined by the Value We Give It,

The significance of an experience is defined by the value we give it. Something happened to me, and I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around it. How do I put into words what happened? Where do I begin? How do I do this?

I've always been a spiritual person, but I've only recently started to really explore it when that side of me surfaced in an undeniable sort of way. Not everyone has the beliefs I have and I respect that, but I believe what I know. My experiences define reality for me, as it does yours. I get premonitions.

Since then I've attracted a lot of spiritually-connected people, and I'm grateful to have met them. But it's inevitable to meet someone dark lurking in the shadows waiting to exploit others for whatever reason. And I was victim to one of them. God, I hate admitting that because I feel like I'm trying to absolve responsibility and I'm not. But no matter how much something irritates me to admit, it doesn't take away from reality.

That's why I decided to blog about this. It's such a personal, private, invasive, disgusting experience, and part of me wants to just forget about it. I'm so skilled at pushing thoughts, feelings, and experiences in the back of my mind. But it stays with me and builds on me. I created this blog to learn to be more open. I worry that if I ignore this and the next time something like this happens in a completely different setting that I'd snap and I don't want that. If I've learned anything in the past couple of years, it's that you can't ignore your feelings. No matter how much you hate the experience, what happened, what you did and didn't do, what happened happened.

I went to the beach with a friend and her friend wanted to come along. The first time I've ever heard her talk about him, I got a weird feeling. But I brushed it off since I didn't sense any danger and it was totally judgmental of me. When he wanted to join us, I had a WTF sort of feeling. But I ignored it that, too.

My friend and I began talking about the emotional and spiritual impact that the beach has on a person's soul and how different places possess different spiritual properties that restores, rejuvenates, and invigorates us in a way as uniquely as the elements that represent them. When my friend's friend, the dark "spiritualist" returned (because he went back to his apartment twice - first to get us a blanket and second time to park my friend's car in a different spot), he joined the existing conversation. It felt natural to talk about meditation, spiritual powers, premonitions, the energies that exist in all of us, etc. He asked if he could read my energy by taking my hand.

I let him. His hands sandwiched mine. I tried to be as open as possible, but I warned him that I've become detached lately. Within seconds, I felt a transference of energy leave me. It was slight, mild, brief, but I imagined seeing it. It felt more pulled away from me than I released it, but I also know that I gave it to him. Shortly after he said that my powers come from my past, and he offered to open up my chakra and explore the energies within me.

I've always been fairly open to that stuff, but I did question his level of power at one point because he wanted my friend's participation. He asked her to close her eyes, put her hand on my head, and think of the most highest power and direct it towards me. It seemed fine at the time. I was cold, so I covered myself in the blanket. I also put on my sunglasses to protect my eyes from the sand. He began to place his hands over my body. It began with his hand around my belly button area and he started pressing around it, which reminded me of a pap smear.

I thought it was odd but I'm new to this. Now I feel incredibly stupid because this creeper probably exploits the unawareness of girls to further his agenda. And I fell for it! I never thought I'd become one of those girls who just takes it out of uncertainty. I always thought to myelf, "How do you not know?" I guess ignorance is an easier practice than awareness.

He continued to do this under my clothing. I had a top on and a bathing suit underneath. I distinctly remember him traveling his hand to my left boob through the inner top of my bikini instead of from slipping his hand from the bottom of the bikini. I opened my eyes for a second because I questioned that action only to see his eyes open and focused, rather than sexually pleased. His hands were cupping my boob so closely that I felt his hand resting on my nipple. There was no fonding, no squeezing, just physical contact. When I asked myself if this is okay, a spiritualist I met at a crystal house responded, "No, it's not."

Out of everyone there, I could sense and feel her powers. I was drawn to her. It was concentrated. When she sits there and observes, it's just such an infusion of controlled strength. When she talks to people, the energy subdues. It isn't this captivating sense but turns into this open and receptive energy surrounded by a sense of tangibility like you can reach her or at least see her. She isn't a million miles away like she seems when she's sitting there silently or at least that's the way it was for me.

So it was incredible that I could feel her presence there with me when she wasn't but she was. Before I could make sense of any of it, the dark spiritualist had already slipped his hand to my other boob. It all happened so quickly that I'm not even sure what part of my bikini area he slipped his hand through. It's like when I returned, his hand was already placed there.

I'm beginning to realize both the burden and dangers of over-thinking because I'm not focused, not focused on how I feel. My head's too busy spinning. My first thought was, "What the fuck?" That should've been enough to make him stop, but I proceeded into my analytical nature by asking is this okay, how do you know if it is, remembering that I've never had this done before, so I'm not aware of the etiquettes, etc. All these questions overwhelmed me and distracted me from what should've been done. My mind may have been confused but my spirit wasn't because I kept telling myself to not freak out. I still don't know how to control my power, so keep myself in check. You don't want to release something you can't control; you don't want to release something you can't control. Then it ended there.

He seemed collected enough but also disturbed by what he "saw." I question his honesty and integrity, but intuitively I believe that he was genuinely freaked out. As well he should! Was it something he could've faked? Absolutely. It's a perfect profile move to make and I don't doubt that a person like that would do such a thing, but I truly believe that he was frightened spiritually.

It was damp on the bridge of his nose on the right side. Where did that miscellaneous liquid come from? He was characteristically disturbed and said that I was murdered in my past life. I had no reaction. No fear, no intrigue, no shock, no curiosity, an absence of anything. How unlike me and this wasn't because I was still shocked. That was my reaction to his claim.

He began elaborating that I was a man in my past life, that I was interested in Buddhism, I wasn't a practicing monk but many of my friends were and that I was drawn to it, the source of my dark powers come from others, that the dark karma in me isn't my own but was put there, I resisted for a long time but eventually it became a part of me, and I was spiritually murdered by those who were jealous of my powers. He said that I was a good person in my past life.

There may be elements of truths to that because con artists twist the truth. They manipulate it to their advantage. They turn truths into their allies. I do believe that I have some dark karma carried over from my past life because unbelievable things keep happening to me in unimaginable ways. I believe I have a strong source of power, and I fear that it comes from a dark place. Others have sensed this from me, as well. But I'm skeptical about what he told me in particular. For one thing, I wasn't very open.

He was shivering and shaking from that experience. He claimed it's because he's really cold, but he broke through something and that we can continue it at his apartment. Now, I'm a lot more level-headed. My friend has intuitive powers, too, whether she's aware of it or not. Or maybe she was channeling me. I don't know, but it was her that was advocating on my behalf when I was still in a speechless state of shock.

What a bastard! First he says the ocean has good energy, which it does. He lives across the fucking street from the ocean and claims that he doesn't need a jacket. Then after exploring my chakras he's shaking because he's cold and suggests continuing in his apartment. Are you shitting me? Like you can't measure the temperature and plan accordingly, you jack ass! But I felt that it was more than the cold. He felt my power.

By then I knew I was more powerful than he is. He probably got terrified by it. And good! I'm glad he got freaked out. Karma, bitch! You do something bad. And you feel bad. He left to get his jacket, while my friend and I stayed behind. As he walked away, I came close to my friend and asked her if he ever did that to her. He kept looking back nervously. Now why would someone do such a thing? I wonder...

My friend agreed that it wasn't appropriate, that it's totally invasive and if he were going to do that that I should've been warned. I totally agree. I was demonstrating what he was doing to me by grabbing at her boobs. For a while we were having that conversation and she wasn't aware that he went under my clothing and bikini! She was shocked. She already knew it was unacceptable before I explained it clearly enough. And of course it fucking is! How could I have been so stupid????

What the Hell is honestly wrong with me? The fact that I kept telling myself to stay grounded, to not release the dark energy in me, that wasn't enough to tip me off? Really, really? When did I become so fucking special ed? When did I become a participating victim offering implied consent?

Don't get me wrong. This guy's a jerk. I'm by no means trying to transfer blame on myself to minimize his. But I do believe that we train how others treat us. They'll do whatever they want, but to deny that we don't have an influence is naive. I didn't say or do anything that expressed disapproval or address how completely unacceptable that is. He deserved to know, and I kept it from him.

It's crazy to think that, in reality, I was sexually harassed and it qualifies as being molested. But it wasn't an extreme form. I wasn't traumatized by it. I know it happened, though, because I was there. And yet I didn't react in a way I would've suspected someone to react, so I wouldn't blame someone for doubting me. Something fucked up happened to me and I end up feeling guilty because of my own actions or lack of. I'm left feeling inadequate more than invaded. This isn't something I should even be burdened to feel.

The old me would've ripped him to shreds. I'm small, but don't think for a second that I can't do any damage. I made a guy piss blood for a week after he crossed the line with me and I saw him telling a girl to sit on his lap right in front of me (boyfriend at the time). Oh and I dislocated his nose. And I've done way worse. If I let the old me out, this guy would've had a distinct deep scar on his cheek that people can't ignore left as a reminder of what he did to me. I would've easily injured him in the knees.

If a person has a scar on their face and walks awkwardly, people easily become suspicious. Now I keep thinking to myself, how many other girls will he continue to do this to because I haven't done my part to discourage him? I doubt this was his first time and considering how he got away with it, it won't be his last. But if I were to give him the benefit of the doubt and say this was his first time, what's to stop him from doing it again? He developed no social conditioning against it. If I had fucked him up, he'd think twice before doing it again. He'd wake up to that experience every morning when he looked at himself. That's what should've been done.

I don't have a problem with violence. I believe it serves a purpose in society. It's misused, abused, and resorted to too recklessly, but I'm not against the existence or selective practice of it. This would've been a good example of that.

You could judge me all you want and think until you turn blue that I was stupid for not reacting. I feel that I deserve that reaction. But it makes me so livid that people like him exist and puts people in those types of situations. The truth is that if he was going to do something like that, you should warn someone AND get permission. If you didn't ask permission because you felt uncomfortable, you shouldn't do it! He's a creep, but he's by no means stupid. He's socially aware that it's taboo.

I was invaded and question the seriousness and degree of that experience because my reaction wasn't the classic victimized one. I feel inadequate over my ability to process experiences. I felt guilty for indulging in who I am because it left me vulnerable. I feel like crap for being so ignorant and lacking in common sense. Then I feel bad because I've invested more energy in making myself feel worse, as if he hasn't already done that only to realize that I've neglected to channel hatred towards him. It's exhausting!

My friend believed me, but she was still shocked by what happened. She was both surprised and impressed that I intuitively disliked him from the beginning. She kept asking over and over and over why he would do something like that, while simultaneously mourning for the death of their friendship because she enjoys the spiritual conversations she had with me. And she wonders why he didn't do that to her because he had plenty of opportunities. Can you make it more about you? I don't want to be burdened with her excess thoughts, too, but it just came out of her like word vomit. The most intolerable thing for me was how she kept expressing guilt for introducing me to him because she felt like she shared the blame. That really aggravated me because I don't blame her for this, but the more she said it, the more hostility I felt toward her because by repeating it, it's like she's ignoring me. Doing that to someone can be a form of disrespect and I already experienced enough of that that day.

Don't get me wrong. I know she didn't mean to. But I was already feeling the pressure. That's how I felt and what was going through my mind. I'm not even sure how I was supposed to feel. How can I possibly give her some or any sense of closure? I don't have the resources, knowledge, or energy to. And at the time, I didn't have the desire to, either.

Since I can be a dark and perverse person, I can understand why someone would do something like that. There's thrill in getting away with something. And while it was happening, I realized the genius behind his plan. Yes, I honestly thought this and I still didn't do anything. I guess I thought if it wasn't sexual, then it's not invasive. But it's also unnecessary and a form of respect to not do stuff like that! How did that thought not click in my mind?

It makes perfect sense to do exactly that. Maybe a sexually stimulating opportunity like that hadn't presented itself around my friend. Maybe she's not his type. Who knows? Who cares? I didn't want to over analyze anymore because it was that that made me miss such an obvious truth, that what he did was unacceptable.

We parted ways and hung out with another friend. Him, I love and I was so happy to see him because it was his presence that made that day a good day. If it wasn't for him, the entire day would've been terrible. We were just at his place hanging out and having a good time.

It's kind of nuts how something like that can happen and then I can turn around and enjoy the rest of my day, as though nothing happened. There's danger in that. I have so many psychological pockets of escape where dark thoughts hide until it breeds and mutates into something else. By then, it's hard to tell where it came from, what it was born out of it, or that it's even there. But you know what? I realized instead of tripping about how I feel about something, how I don't feel about something, this is what came to me. This is my quote: "The significance of an experience is defined by the value we give it."

THE SIGNIFICANCE OF AN EXPERIENCE IS DEFINED BY THE VALUE WE GIVE IT.

I'm glad and proud of myself for not allowing the earlier day's experience to tarnish the evening. I FINALLY have a phone! It was brought to my attention a while back that all of my ringtones are suggestive. Background story: This guy I was going out with made me come to this realization. At first, I was in denial and resisted it until I embraced it. We were lying in bed snuggling, talking, and maybe there was a kiss or two involved. It was definitely romantic and intimate, but it wasn't sexually heating up yet when all of a sudden I get a call with a ringtone "I'm a prisoner of love, prisoner of love!!!" I jumped out of bed with a sigh of "finally!" He asked me who the fuck is that? My other friend's ringtone is Savage Garden's Crash 'n Burn. He grins at me and says, "you know all of your ringtones are suggestive, right?" Well to this day, I carry that theme. Continuation and return to original point: I told my friends that I need suggestive ringtones.

One of them is a foreigner, so she didn't understand the connotation of "suggestive." We spent a better duration of the evening making suggestive jokes. It was pretty hilarious, but is it weird that I can be so lighthearted after such an experience? Am I in that much of a denial phase? Did I just suppress it? Am I that desensitized? Does it really bother me? If it does, then how come I was able to function as though nothing happened? Am I that broken? Did it not bother me because it meant nothing to me? That's just as twisted. I can go on forever about why I reacted the way I did, but it is what it is.

I talked to a friend about it, and he opened up to me about his own experiences, things I wouldn't dare elaborate on. But there's one thing he said that gave me comfort. He didn't know it was wrong. It didn't feel wrong to him. It felt weird but not wrong. Sometimes you just don't know. And there are people in this world who take advantage of that.

It's a tragic reality. They take something away from us when that happens. I left feeling confused, conflicted, inadequate, stupid, and I consciously carried it over with me. I told a co-worker about my experience at the beach, but I distorted the truth. What was I supposed to say to someone I've known for like a fucking week? That some jerk felt me up and I laid there like an idiot?

I don't want to title myself the moron, and it's not something he'd want to hear. But it bothers me that I felt the need to lie. I lied because I have a problem with the truth, with reality. And if that's the case, I shoud've said something. I should've done something. I can't control the actions others, but I could control my own. That's something I have to remember.

He's not the only person I lied to, either. I guess this blog is like my form of confession. I'm releasing it because I'm hoping it'll heal me. But in all honestly, it doesn't hurt knowing that one friend doesn't read my blog. He complains about how long it is. Yet he reads like 400-500 page novels! Maybe he does read my blog. It's a beautiful lie I sometimes like to indulge in.

I feel so stupid. A couple days before all of this happened, he was showing me some jiu jitsu moves. The truth is that I could've really damaged this guy, but I didn't let myself realize what was really happening or I'm just that dense. I'm still not really sure. I'm not ready to tell him the truth. Maybe I never will be, but I certainly feel bad about lying, not enough to confess directly, though. So this is all I have to offer. If by any chance you're reading this, thank you for providing me with the knowledge I could've used. It's crazy how I learned those moves at a point in my life before I could've used them. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, but I also believe that we don't always take advantage of it.

As for my co-worker, he doesn't even know about the existence of this blog unless he read my facebook profile and observed the link to this blog but few people do. It's interesting how many people are unaware of my blog. After mutual friends and acquaintances complimented me on my blog around a closer friend of mine, I realized how many people don't read it and how much I'd like them to. So I sent out what seems like an impersonal mass email, but it's 100% genuine. It shares some insights and depths into why I blog and why I chose a select group of people to share it with for reasons that aren't as tangible but an intuitive desire.

I appreciated the outcome of that decision, so I decided to every so often send that email out whenever I meet people I'd like to share my thoughts with. I met some amazing people at work that I plan to send that mass email out to. If you do take the time to read my blog, please know that I chose you because you have made a bigger impact in my life than you realize. Writing to me is an intimate practice, and it means the world to me.

The Universe Whispers to Me, Days 155, 156, 157, 158. 159, 160, 161, 162

Have you ever felt like your walls were closing in on you from all different directions, as though the universe is trying to gently guide you towards a better path? It's this subtle but powerful and increasingly undeniable feeling that I can't properly articulate but feel so strongly. It's not the same feeling that you don't belong somewhere. It's different. The truth is that I've made a life where I am, and I can probably continue to maintain it. But more than likely it isn't favorable for my soul and emotional growth.

I think that's what the universe is whispering to me except I believe that the universe doesn't have language. It speaks to us but not with words. Slight breezes passing by in opposition to where we're heading. The scent of freshness when new discoveries are near. The sweetness that cloaks us when we experience a hint, even a taste of what that life could be like for us if we just take the chance. The fire that sparks in us when we're closer to our dreams than we fully realize. How the heat warms our skin and makes our hair stand on ends. The way water rises beneath us and we feel the excitement of new opportunities thrashing around us, while the ground secures us in place. To know that we're going down the right path.

That's what it's been like lately, but I also know that I haven't lived it yet. I just feel it surrounding me, so close that I can touch it. And it's my intent to make the right decisions, allowing my intuition to lead me so that I can reach that destination. In some areas of my life, I can feel it stronger than others. Then there are other areas of my life where I know it's best to carve a new life somewhere else, but I don't feel this powerful connection to it like I do in other aspects of my life such as my home situation.

I know it's best for me to move on. I guess I just got comfortable in the crap situation I'm in because I've developed tolerance. I used to easily move and accept the burdens that came with it because it came more naturally to me than coexisting in filth, tension, unlawful behavior, and anything else I've ever really endured. I thought I was a strong person then, but as it turns out, I was led by my ability to manage my stress. That part hasn't changed, but the direction shifted.

I don't look forward to the inconveniences of moving, but it's become undeniable that I must move on. I chose to be in the living room so that I can keep the window open at night when I suffer from indoor allergies. If I take the room and my roommate has a complaint about it, it'd be unfair of me to keep it open. What if she gets sick and does poorly in school or can't attend work? These are factors to consider. I made a thoughtful decision when I chose to stay where I am.

I understand that the living room is a shared space. It's a reality I can't deny. But now that there's a futon in there, my roommate's made it a habit to sleep there at night because she misses how she used to be able to sleep in any room she desired when she lived with her mom. And when she's in the living room, she closes the window. That aggravates my allergy, and it's unfair that my allergies suddenly become an "inconvenience" because of a circumstance I didn't create. She has her own room. Why doesn't she sleep in there? It's one thing to use it as a functioning living room, but it's another reason to also turn it into your bedroom and interfere with my allergies.

Her actions are perceived as innocuous and in some ways, they are. But it obstructs my purposes in the process. I chose to stay in the living room because of the advantage it offered over my allergies. If those concerns aren't met, then there's no logical justification for staying at a complex where the assigned landlord's behavior borders under legal stalking and harassment for rent that isn't even due yet. Not to mention my once-friend neighbor who threatened me and stalked my former roommate. I cant' even enjoy natural lighting entering my living room because I want to avoid my landlord. It defines and puts limitations on what I do by choice but choices I shouldn't be burdened with.

***I'm still writing, but I accidentally hit publish. More to come.***

The situation with the living room turned into a bedroom with allergic reactions is a rather unique circumstance, but everything else is your garden variety roommate issues like the dirty dishes piling up and the hypocritical behavior over it. For me, though, it's the maturity level that's more of an indicator that I've gotten all that I can from here and it's time to move somewhere else. I can sit here all I want and express how frustrating it is (and I will), but more than anything, it's one of the universe's signs. That's the lesson I should leave with. That's why the experience happened for me, and how I want to remember it as.

Both sinks get completely filled with dirty dishes and right now it's caused by one roommate! How long does a person go without doing the dishes to get that bad? If she uses that many dishes, she's certainly the kitchen often enough to clean it! Some of it is ridiculously easy to clean, too, like a bowl of cereal that can be rinsed off with a swipe of a pre-soaped up dish sponge.

I get it. I've been there. And sometimes I return there. But it's not where I am now, and it's not the environment I feel I should be in especially since it's become more than just unpleasant. The real concern is that I've learned to tolerate and adapt to it, but with each increment of undeserved tolerance and patience I build, I'm slammed with another challenge to break down the walls. I know I can keep building, but I shouldn't have to.

I spend anywhere from 10-15, sometimes 20 minutes clearly out a sink just so I can use it to prepare and cook meals, as well as search for necessary dishes, utensils, whatever. I shouldn't have to incorporate extra time like that. It's such an inconvenience. So to make the space more functional, I cleared up the sink by lining our windowsill with dishes. Of course, it's unattractive and displays how slovenly the kitchen is, but I need space!!! I'm not going to clean after your mess! And I need to eat.

Given the circumstance, what do you expect me to do? My roommate had the audacity to ask me if I could return the dishes back into the sink once I'm finished using the sink. Are you fucking kidding me? So you're honestly asking me if I'd be willing to return things to their designated cluttered order so every time I need to access the sink, I'd have to shell it out again? What the Hell is that? I couldn't wrap my head around what she was asking me. You won't take the time to clean it, but you expect me to invest more than I already do to accommodate you? Oh Hell no!!!! Read your own damn note that says in red:

KITCHEN RULES:

• wash dishes immediately

• If trash is full, TAKE IT OUT

• clean/wipe down the following after use:

-stove -sink

-counter tops -dining table

Let's keep the kitchen clean!

-THANK U!

We're all hypocrites, and I've developed an unhealthy tolerance to it, but now she's fucking asking me to help her sustain her mess her way that consumes more of my time? No. That doesn't work for me. The kitchen is cluttered with stuff.

My place here was essentially an undefined spot to begin with, and that's starting to get stripped away from me. What do I really have left here? Talking to a friend of mine who's had some encounters with her, observed her, and is really perceptive and astute has given me clarity, as well. I realized how much I don't belong here. I knew that for a while, but something with the energy shifted. I no longer belong at the place where no one belongs.

He sees her as spoiled, which is still a little difficult to wrap around my head but in a way it makes sense. My bigotry limits my perception, but it makes so much sense. Just because you've had to share your space with everyone doesn't mean you're immune to common prey. She told me once that out of respect I should get permission before inviting anyone over. What the fuck? She never asks anyone before inviting her boyfriend over. She expresses disapproval when others make a mess, but she tolerates her own to the same degree and sometimes worse. She's bothered when she has to open the door for others but has been asking to be let in because she's too tired to look for her own keys.

These are all small and understandable things we all do, but my friend brought it to my attention that she's spoiled in a different way than I'm used to. That's why she has these expectations. A mature adult would realize that her requests are unreasonable and not carry that mentality. True. I guess I was just so shocked because she seems more mature than me.

My friend observed that when she gets upset, she overcompensates for her lower maturity level by appearing higher than she is, while my maturity level drops lower than it actually is when I get upset. They're all illusions. At the end of the day, it's just not an environment I want to be in. She's a great person and I love her. She's like a sister to me, but the truth is that we're no longer compatible as roommates. A lot of things don't fit anymore where I am.

I feel like it's best for everyone for me to move on. My roommates want to request his wife to take over landlord responsibilities, but she's more professional and is more than likely to evict me because of how tense the situation is. All it takes is a legally-formatted eviction notice. They deal with the consequences of me living here just as much. They get harassed about me. My roommate's car window got broken into to steal an iPod. Obnoxious parties with people getting seizures from doing weed, shrooms, ecstasy, acid, and drinks have been absent for a little bit, but it's just a matter of time.

This place is convenient for someone just getting started because it creates a template of tolerance. It's right across the street from school and affordable. But I don't go to school right now. It doesn't agree with my lifestyle. And my life is finally going in a direction where I can leave this place.

I got a new job. Those who are in training with me realize what a challenge it is, but it's worth it. No matter how difficult it is for me and how likely it is or isn't that I make it through the program, I'm there right now and that's what counts. I got selected and haven't gotten eliminated for a reason. I have a real chance at this. And WHEN I make it, I'll be in a position to move out. Sure, financially, I'll be making more and spending more, so I'll level off. But I can't continue on this way. I can feel the universe whispering this to me...