I'm Glowing!!!!

It's my birthday!!!! This is the first time in my life EVER that I've been excited about my birthday! I'm 28 years old today! I'm not that old, but I've wasted way too many years not being excited about my birth and I'm changing that this year! :) I couldn't be any happier! I bought a blueprint for my astrological chart which also includes numerology. It wasn't quite as informative as I would've liked, but I've finally reached a point in my life where these things have become a priority for me. It's always fascinated me but actually immersing myself in it was something I hesitated in the past.

I'm really excited about tonight. But I started my birthday immediately! My friend picked me up and arrived with flowers! <3 I now have decorations for my gathering tonight! And he made me mimosas. I'm a freak and take pictures of food, drinks, and all things pretty! He remembered he had umbrella parasols and pulled a purple one out for me! And he got me a purple teakettle!!! PURPLE!!! I'm so ecstatic! It's my first birthday present of the year! Not that I require gifts, and I totally wasn't expecting one. So it means the world to me! We had a really good chat and such a fun time! "I'M A HERO!!!!" It was a funny inside joke. He was beng so tolerant to my demands today. I wanted to go back cuz I forgot to bring my journal, so we went back to my place. He made me lunch for today.

On Saturday, I found a journal on clearance at Michael's. My co-worker was pleased since she didn't tolerate me buying it full price. But I'm desperate for a journal to clear my mind, and sometimes it's just not worth waiting for a discounted price when I feel mentally tormented. I also bought colored markers which will make art journal much easier! Colored pencils are exhausting for me to use, and I'm not really feeling painting at this time. Best part? It was 40% off baby! What a steal? I also went to the library and borrowed books on art journaling, chakras, and book writing.

I had plans to go to an event I found online. I was within blocks when I decided to change my plans for no apparent reason. It just felt like the right thing to do. As it turns out, the event didn't even take place. When I arrived at the library I saw a notice that advertised Feeling Crafty? And I wanted to go to the library with the intent to look through art journaling! I also bought a customized perfumed body oil at an affordable price. Yayayayayay!

Sunday was a little different. I got some clarity which is beneficial and heard some things I didn't want to hear but suspected to a degree. I'm grateful to have people in my life who are patient, understanding, tolerant, and caring enough to me to be there for me and explain things even when I'm sure it's not the most pleasant task to make sure I'm okay. No matter what happens, I'm grateful for the people who entered my life.

To Feel is to be Human

I can't help but feel like I've already used that title before. If I have, I'm certain I was in a different state of mind. I was probably opening myself up to this reality as I was attempting to embrace it, but now feelings has become a part of me. And not in the way a resistant person buckles under the burden of it but in a way a child opens its arms to a world of possibilities. So much has changed. Of course, I have moments when I retreat. But my goal is to be open and receptive.

As I read through Barbara Sher's Live the Life you Love book, I find myself wanting to take a moment to really reflect on the section about Understanding Your Feelings. I came across this quote and am amazed by its accuracy. How did I not know this before? Had I have come across this information during my period of emotional estrangement, would I have become emotionally connected? Would it have opened my eyes to the world I was shadowing myself from? Would I have been able to understand it? I guess I'll never know.

"By starving emotions we become humorless, rigid, and stereotyped; by repressing them we become literal, reformatory and holier-than-thou; encouraged, they perfume life; discouraged, they poison it."

What a beautifully expressed reality! I've gone through every series listed here and am astounded by how true it is! Another point that really resonated in me is the section that explains how feelings make us intuitive. "When you know what you feel, you know what others are feeling, too. You don't have to be psychic, just in touch with your own feelings. Animals and babies react instinctively to the feelings of others, because they're emotionally wide open. When you're in touch with your own feelings you also have a sense of what's going on behind people's facades." All of this is true.

What an anomaly we humans are! Feelings are a part of us, and we shouldn't reject them. I feel like so many of us limit our own understanding of how we feel as a result of shortsighted and incomplete thoughts. We all do it. I recognize it in myself as I read the above statement. I would've never known that being emotionally connected would make me aware, receptive, and observant of the feelings of others. I used to think that was limited to the clairvoyant. But the truth is the more familiar we are with something, the better we understand it. Feelings are no exception. Quite the opposite.

I have nothing further to add at this moment, but I feel like this entry is incomplete. Just felt like sharing. FELT! See what I did there? LOL

Lessons for the Future

I began texting with a friend who wished me a Happy New Year…..Eve and asked him if he was doing anything special. He responded with it’s all pretty special but I know what you mean. He’s not much for the glamour of things, which I appreciate. I expressed how to me it’s just another year. New Year’s symbolizes something meaningful because of the power we give it, and although it’s beneficial to dedicate a time where we focus and prioritize on our future, it doesn’t mean much to me. It’s true and yet facebook has a way of expanding my train of thought.

For some people, it’s more than just another year to knock off the list and appreciate it as an annual tradition, but it’s truly a meaningful event in their lives. I have friends that have survived divorces and been stronger for it, attended their children’s funeral, and went through some of the most devastating experiences. But they’re changed by it and they’re left feeling empowered and grateful because after a long tedious, struggle, they’ve come out on the other end. They’re finally beginning to feel and understand the value of the pain they had to endure to be where they are today. I’m moved by their experiences just by reading it on their statuses. It’s heartwarming to know that they’ve evolved and grown into more conducive individuals.

My life hasn’t been quite the rollercoaster. I went through a Hellish experience at age 24. Then at age 25, I was recovering from it. At 26, I began processing it. At 27 is when I became receptive and understanding to the lessons. But somewhere along the line, I also became stagnant and under stimulated, which I suppose is understandable considering how intense the past few years have been for me.

I’m now ready to approach 28. I feel like I’ve spent enough time in hiding, contemplation, and recovery. I have no idea what’s in store for me, but I want to take this time to chronicle what I’ve learned. Those things are important to give attention to.

1. Don’t feel bad cutting people out of your life.

This has something I thought I was relatively comfortable with because I haven no problem being honest or direct. But when things aren’t black and white, I find myself floating around and waiting until things become irrefutably unacceptable. During this process I’m making myself vulnerable to it. I try to give people chances and not everyone is blatant in their disrespect. Some people are subtle and cowardly about it.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people make plans with me and not cancel but just don’t show up at all. It puts me an uncomfortable predicament where I find myself feeling guilty, whiny, and self-entitled because it disrupts my entire schedule. I live in LA, and I don’t drive. I can’t just occupy my time doing something else until you give me a ring and then meet up with you when you call by hopping on the freeway. I don’t have that luxury. But it’s not anyone else’s fault that I don’t drive. So emphasizing it makes me feel bad, but it doesn’t take away from the truth. It’s definitely a factor. Then again, it’s not even a factor that should be brought up.

In the world of texting, you can’t let me know you won’t be able to make it? Sometimes technology goes haywire. So I give the benefit of the doubt and I’ll call, assuming the text didn’t go through. There are times there’s no reception, but calls don’t go straight to voicemail. I yet again make allowances. Then perhaps I’ll try fbing them, but don’t I sound stalkerish at this point? Of course I do!

I’m frustrated with the efforts I have to put in and feeling insecure about my actions. If someone were to describe my behavior, I might understand why this person is being avoided, which of course leads me down a spiraling emotion of inadequacy. The direction I take it is on me, but being put in this position was unfair and I wasn’t alone in it. We all get faced with things we don’t necessarily want to do, and we all indulge in escapism at some point. But we’re adults now.

We’re responsible for our actions. If we don’t want to spend time with certain people, we should be honest and direct about it. What’s worse is I’m not always the one initiating the hang out, making people vulnerable to not telling the truth. These same people who ditch me are the ones that not only talk about making plans, but select the dates themselves. So then I feel guilty when my intuition tells me my friends are lying because I don’t want to think negatively of my friends, and honestly their behaviors are unintelligent. I consider most of them to be bright people.

I basically invest a lot of energy running in circles and not accepting my intuition. I may care about certain people, and I may even miss them. But that doesn’t mean I should continue to make allowances for them. As great as it would be to catch up and have a great time, I’d rather surround myself with genuine and honest people. So it’s okay to stop putting effort into people like this. It’s okay.

2. Things always become more difficult with resistance.

Why is it that we complain about how things are so complicated and difficult, but we, ourselves, behave in a way that sustains it? It’s illogical, but we do it anyways. It’s so innate in us that I don’t think many of us realize how our actions are, at times, the very source of difficulty. We subconsciously do things we aren’t aware of. That can leave us helpless and vulnerable, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to understand it because it’s only through awareness will we be able to correct it.

3. Without effort, there will be no progress.

As an adolescent, I was full of energy that poured out of me in different ways. I was stubborn, resilient, difficult, and persistent. I prided myself on not surrendering or weakening when surrounded by people who only believed in my failure. I was ruthless in my pursuit to prove them wrong. I wasted so much energy into something that I should’ve never given attention to because people who are going to be singleminded and judgmental about me aren’t going to become open-minded because I did what they doubted I could do. In my experience, they become insulted that I proved them wrong. Do I really want the approval of people like that anyways? Not really.

When I finally had that epiphany and I decided to do what I wanted to do, I found myself at a loss. Without others doubting me and being presented with obstacles to overcome, I wasn’t motivated to do much. There was no passion or desire in my actions. I’ve spent so much time trying to find what I want to invest my time that I’m becoming discouraged.

I may be interested in something conceptually, but there aren’t enough details for me to make an informed decision. So then I’m not inclined to put in the extensive amount of effort to explore it. It’s a vicious cycle. What’s a girl to do?

I certainly don’t like it, and I find myself often discouraged. But never have I considered giving up. I take more breaks than I’m proud of to regroup when I feel like I haven’t done much, but I won’t give up, which means I have to keep going. So I have to constantly remind myself that I do all of this because I want to find purpose and meaningful in my life and in my actions. “Without effort, there will be no progress.” However discouraging and put off I am about putting in the effort, it must be done to reach my destination. End of story. No matter how much I despise it and complain about it, it must be done!

4. Make decisions based on my intuition.

First I had to accept that I was experiencing intuition and recognize it for what it is. Then I had to be receptive to it because if I wasn’t, I didn’t know what I was experiencing. I felt this dull, un-definable sense of feeling that plagued me and felt out of place. I couldn’t shake the feeling, either. It became disruptive until it became almost background noise that I got used to.

Now I know what it is. I trust it enough to guide my friends with it. I trust in my ability to be intuitive and accurate. But I still hesitate in executing decisions based on it. It isn’t because I have doubts in my ability; it’s that I take comfort in the familiar. However, my intuition is there to guide me in the right direction. If I ignore it, there are consequences that occur. They keep trying to instill the same lesson in me. Next time listen to avoid this. And that’s what I have to do.

Things to Improve

After making it a point to address that I’m not going to emphasize the New Year, I find myself focusing on it more and more with time. But I believe I’m being productive and conducive, so I encourage this process. Unlike New Year’s Resolutions that are too vague to maintain and quickly forgotten, I’m going to create a list of qualities I’d like to improve on. By concentrating on certain habits and how I should correct them, as well as the benefits of improving them, I’m more likely to work on them. I’ll be taking an objective look and incorporating constructive ways to improve them. I’ll not only be productive but by expressing how it’ll improve my quality of life, I’m benefiting from the rewards effect. It’s like a teaser of what’s to come, that feeling of being proud and wanting to keep up the momentum.

1. Stop procrastinating.

Problem: I’ve adopted procrastination at the mature age of 26. With my OCD and absence of procrastination for most of my life, I believed I escaped this plague. How wrong I was! As I began to work on how I manage my stress, I became less tense about ordinary tasks like paying rent and other expenses. Although it’s good to be on time, it’s unhealthy to panic at the idea that I might not make rent. I eventually discovered after having to face those fears that the world doesn’t end when I don’t pay my rent on the first of the month or I’m a little late on my credit bills. I now find myself procrastinating in many areas of my life because I’m able to sustain myself in my current condition.

Solutions: Break the habit! The key to procrastination is to get started. Even if I retreat to my procrastinating habits, I have to transition towards my goal. It’s emotionally liberating and I’ll realize my laziness is unfounded, which over time will reduce my laziness greatly. I began adding positive things I’d like to do on my to-do list, so I’m more likely to reference it and knock down the list. As much as possible, I’ll combine both an enjoyable task with a less pleasant one such as doing the laundry while talking on the phone with a loved one. Things like that. J

2. Stop being so insecure.

Problem: Being insecure is damaging to my self-esteem and I see no benefit in it. It doesn’t motivate me, and I find myself desperate to avoid people who might reveal to me how amazing I truly am. That’s irrational and unfair.

Solution: We’re susceptible to the things we tell ourselves, even and especially through subconscious communication. Our conscious thoughts are echoes of our subconscious minds. So I’m going to take the time to express and appreciate my positive qualities. I spend an unreasonable amount of time denigrating myself, I can and more than deserve a brief amount of praise early in the morning when I rise and right before I retire. When I find myself with free time, it’s also a good opportunity to remind myself of my positive qualities.

3. Don’t look at the worst in others.

Problem: For various reasons, I find myself seeing the worst in others. Sometimes it’s to protect myself emotionally. I’m more guarded if I think negatively of people. I also think the worst in others when I take something out of context to support my beliefs in my adequacies.

Solution: In combination to acknowledging MY positive traits, which include being a good judge of character and surrounding myself with positive people, I’m going to give the same courtesy and remind myself of other peoples’ positive qualities. We all have negative qualities, and I sincerely believe it’s important to be aware of them. However, I become intimately familiar with the negative stuff. It’s now time to know the positive traits. By focusing on their positive qualities, I’ll appreciate them more and get a balanced perspective. It’ll make me realize how silly it is to highlight a small, insignificant detail. And we’ll all be happier for it.

4. Make allowances for peoples’ mistakes.

Problem: I tend to be unforgiving of peoples’ mistakes, as though we aren’t human. I can be unhappy or disappointed by them, but I MUST let it go. I should hold hostage of it, so I have something to scrutinize. It isn’t fair and it does no one any good but cause insurmountable frustration.

Solution: It’s all about incorporating balance. I certainly don’t make excuses for people, but I can afford to make allowances for peoples’ mistakes. Sometimes when we’re moody, we say something that’s inconsiderate and even disrespectable. One statement shouldn’t overpower months’ consistent behavior. Keep that in mind when you’re tempted to emphasize displeasure. The truth is if I stay silent, I gain perspective and realize that it really isn’t that big of a deal. Sometimes I have to remind myself more firmly because I’d prefer disparaging someone and finding relief in it, rather than disciplining myself. But this is about self-improvement. So I MUST overcome my challenges.

5. Develop discipline.

Problem: I dislike authority. But I find that without supervision and no one to monitor me, I procrastinate. The truth is I could’ve made far more progress in the books I want published. In fact it wasn’t until late last year that I gave them considerable thought. And even then, I’ve come up with concepts and titles. Really beginning to write about it is a different story. I don’t want to rely on external sources to complete tasks I, as an adult, should be able to accomplish independently. I MUST develop discipline.

Solution: Get started. No matter how little I actually produce, I MUST put in the time and effort because even a little bit everyday is better than nothing everyday. Eventually the amount of progress developed will increase. I can’t wait around until I’m able to create an adequate amount of results in a short amount of time or else I’ll never get started. My goal is to take the time and write 2 hours everyday.

6. Not exercising.

Problem: It’s so easy to be sedentary. Without motivation or drive to make a change, I find myself immobile. The idea of breaking a sweat is more daunting than the actual result.

Solution: The only way for me to overcome my hesitation of exercising is to get started and prove to myself that the workout isn’t unbearable. Place sneakers and workout clothes by the bed and slip into them every morning. Go outside for a walk. Even something low impact is better than nothing. Once I develop the routine, I can increase the actual amount of exercise I engage in.

7. Stay connected.

Problem: Life has a way of shifting us away from the people we want to stay connected to. Sometimes I lose track of time until I notice a huge gap from the last time I spoke with friends.

Solution: Try to dedicate time to reconnect with friends. Maybe I can reach out over the weekend and weekdays during lunch hour. Wednesdays might be a good day to make contact with people. Or in the beginning of the week, I can plan on reaching people on specific days and follow through with it. I have certain friends I really want to reconnect with. I told them I’d like to see them at least once a month if possible. That would mean the world to me!

I’m sure there are more things I can improve on, but I’m satisfied with my current list.

What Do I Want Most of All?

Something dawned on me. I have a lot of thoughts, epiphanies, opinions, desires, ambitions, opportunities I don’t care about, missed opportunities, regrets, laughs, friends, clothes, etc etc. You get the idea. I’m plagued with excess, and it leaves me unfocused and cluttered. It’s taking its series of tolls on me. It used to make me feel overwhelmed until I adapted and became numb to them. Nowadays I feel empty because all this excess gives an illusion of abundance, as though it’s fulfilling in some way when it really isn’t.

For someone who’s so good at attention to detail, I’m not too great at focusing on the right attention. And sometimes the way to find the details is in stepping back. If something isn’t natural to me, it may take me decades before I become receptive to it, let alone be able to understand or execute it. Fortunately for me, I’m inquisitive by nature and passivity, if I do ever incorporate it, is temporary.

Lately I’ve been asking myself this specific question, “What do I want most of all?” My first and most important answer is to have emotional security, a sense of confidence in myself. I’m such a paradox. When I was younger, people would tell me they thought at first glance I’m a self-absorbed, egotistical, confident bitch. I’m so far from that, but I suppose it’s a façade I created. I began to emulate what I wanted and to an extreme.

Few people know how truly insecure I am and how much I doubt myself. I guess readers of this blog have a greater insight than some of my closest friends. It’s easy to pretend I’m confident. I get attention, and I have such an influential energy about me that few people ever oppose me. Any basic psych textbook can tell you the signs of a confident person is someone who walks tall and proud, back arched, head high up, smile, interact, make your presence known, and talk with a tone that’s firm, rather than quiet, meek, or indecisive.

A lot of people know this, but most people aren’t in control of their subconscious acts. I’m not saying that I have a greater sense of awareness. Not only would that be incredibly arrogant but also unintelligent. How can I measure my subconscious behavior? It’s subconscious! But I have consciously put in A LOT of effort portraying the signs of confidence. I used to look at girls who appeared confident and tried to copy their walk. I discovered the best way for my body to elongate, make my back sit so to speak where my back was properly arched and I consciously practiced the other traits. I have OCD, so it was easy to stay on track. I would tell myself, “smile, smile, smile, smile, God damn it, SMILE!!!” Things like that until it became natural.

I never let anyone in on my insecurities, so relationships were always the ones that suffered because in situations like that, you’re always exposed. I’m unable to expertly conceal myself by masquerading to be the exact opposite. It’s not fair to the person I’m involved with. It’s always been a problem but one that hardly arises as I rarely met anyone I was interested in getting involved with. My circumstance now just highlights this problem I’ve been ignoring for years. I don’t want to fix this for external reasons; I want it for myself.

The truth is I don’t think I realized how severe it was until now. It’s always been important to me to be a good friend who someone can open up to and trust. The energy I give off is the energy I attract and vice versa. I want to be aware of this, so I can exude positive energy. And there’s nothing positive about suppressing paralyzing insecurity and doubt that eats away at me like a poison I camouflage from the rest of the world. Energy is subliminal. It doesn’t pick up on my behavior but what’s inside of me, and this isn’t what I want to release into the universe.

When something can be interpreted positively or negatively, I reject any positive possibilities and always resort to the negative outcome. Sometimes I’m completely blinded to positive signs or will go as far as discarding it to maintain the consistency that the negative perspective carries. My mind is so strategic and processes information so quickly that it took me years to catch up to it and a lot of people pointing to my error of thought. The problem is not many people can navigate in my mind, so I ignored the statements that came my way as false input. I use negative statements people say out of error or anger, which we all do and use it as an anchor to keep me from being swept away in the moment.

I want to change. I want to just smile back without being suspicious. I want to be able to accept a compliment about my looks without my mind jumping to criticizing someone’s taste or inability to multi-task because there’s another girl more pretty right next to me. I want to apply for that job I know I can do well without experiencing feelings of inadequacies or feeling like I’m being deceptive and manipulative when I convince myself to give me that job because I’m convinced I’ll fail epically. I want to pursue something and move to the next stage, rather than staying where I am out of fear that I won’t perform well in a new environment. I want to be able to do things on my own for the experience, rather than hiding away from the idea of being rejected if I ask others and they have better things to do. I want to focus on my strengths, rather than my weaknesses. I want to embrace my strengths and practice them without guilt because I have weaknesses. I want to know my flaws and weaknesses, so I can strengthen them or know how to overcompensate with my stronger qualities.

Sometimes I’m shocked by the confidence and credit people give themselves. I think to myself, “No way you’re good enough for that!” Sometimes I’m right, sometimes I’m wrong. But does it really matter? It’s a toxic thought process. I’ve always been a firm believer that mistakes teach us more than always doing things right and offers us more meaningful experiences.

Yet I’m terrified of taking a chance because of the possibility that I’ll make a mistake. Rarely do I ever initiate things on my terms where a mistake occurs. Mistakes just happen around me and I’m effected by it. A lot of times it may not even be entirely my fault, but I accept the blame because I feel I deserve it since my contributions led to it, despite my objections or my intuition that indicate I’m wiser than how I’m being portrayed.

I could never understand girls who used to stare in front of the mirror for hours giving attention to their flaws. Just knowing I had them was so unbearable that I didn’t have the strength to face them or give them my time. Instead I immersed myself in such an effective distraction that I was sufficiently occupied. What I didn’t know then is how the feelings were still there and without removing them, they’d become systemic and contaminate me immeasurably.

It’s becoming harder to conceal my insecurities. I’m losing interest in maintaining my façade, but I have no desire to surrender to these beliefs, either. So I exist in this perpetual state of conflict that overwhelms me as life passes me by. I want to stop being so insecure because for me that’s my key to happiness. Insecurity is the brake that prevents me from truly enjoying life.

Stupid iPad!!!

I wrote a ton of inspiring entries on my iPad when I didn't have access to my laptop. I tried to copy and paste it, but it didn't work and I deleted a ton of writing. :( I wish I would have been able to share it on here because in a long time, they're inspiring and positive writing. I guess the jist of it is that I've been bonding a lot more with my adoptive mom. I don't have the greatest relationship with my biological family and it's my adoptive family that I truly consider family. But I always kept them at a distant.

My mom and brother have always been welcoming especially my mom, and I've always feared being just another welcomed member in their life when what I really want is a family. There's also a fear of being rejected the way I've been by my biological mom that I think has been stirring inside of me. They're two different people, but fear has a way of being irrational. After seeing this guy I'm involved with connecting with his family on a regular basis, it made me miss my own.

I'm grateful in a way he'll never know and also for the best mother advice I could've received. With matters to the heart, she reminded me to let things form organically. I really like the way the word organically is used there. She gave me a lot of great advice, but that one stuck out the most because it's so foreign to who I am.

I've also been hesitant about facing her because I have no idea what I want to do with my life, and it's discouraging. I don't want to face another mom and feel inadequate. These feelings were never a result of how she made me feel but what I was concerned about. Overcoming them was important because as it turns out, she gave me wonderful advice. I wrote down a list of 10 things I love to do and 10 things I'm good at. I was also directed to www.cacareerzone.org to not only get a profile of jobs within my interests but also detail into what my expenses are in my area. It's so refreshing to get some productive suggestions.

Too many job profiles are just that, profiles. Impersonal and vague. I'm often the one people seek out at EDD offices for advice. That's not cool. There are trained professionals, and I'm being recruited to revise resumes? O_o I've even been offered a job placement specialist position, but the location even by car is two hours away. I don't drive and have no desire to move. The increase in salary will actually be a financial downgrade with the required expenses that'll add on like a car, etc. Plus I'm not interested in that. I'm looking forward to the insights I receive.

Getting Tired of this Bullshit!

Okay, I've had it! I'm tired of being emo! I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of my depressing entries. I'm tired of exhausting myself emotionally and spiritually cuz I'm too fucked up in the head. Time for a major deep emotional cleanse cuz I can't, I REFUSE, to keep going on like this.

All my pains and fears are real and not to pull the childhood card but understandable. I ran away from home at 12, bounced around in foster homes and group homes. I've never really been a part of a loving home or environment and the one I was exposed to, I mostly hid away from. Those are explanations, but they shouldn't be what keeps drowning me. I try to stay away from the water, but I keep walking into it cuz I'm terrified about what's out there on land. Then I panic as I drown. Well what the fuck do I expect? I put myself in these situations.

I want to be happy. I found someone who makes me happy. Yes, I'm scared. I've been burned in the past. So I what burn him before he tries to burn me when he's given me no indication that he will burn me? That makes my defensive maneuvers just malicious and paranoid. When I go further deep into my thoughts, I know I'm not doing this cuz I'm scared he'll burn me; I'm terrified that he won't. It's a universal fear, so I'm not alone in it. I'm not crazy for experiencing it, but I'm tired.

This is just like when I gave up on my adolescent anger and violence cuz as an adult, it required too much energy to maintain it. As Head Cashier at Walgreens, the impatience of a customer led to cops being called. Extreme much? Now I've handled escalated calls and manage irate people and molding them into gentler beings. That's an unbelievable transformation! I have to do the same with this.

Yes, it's depressing how I got motivated. Fear of losing someone. My actions are still rarely triggered through self desire and more from external sources, but that's another issue. I'm not going to delay this recovery process by weighing myself down with other issues I have. Not cuz I'm in denial but cuz I'm focused and determined to overcome this.

I'm always going to trust people who don't deserve it throughout my life. That can't be a reason to hide myself away. I have to be strong enough to be willing to put myself in a vulnerable situation. I used to think I could never get over the pain, but that's obviously not true. Now I'm just terrified of it more cuz I know what I'm in for IF that happens. This fear has to be put down cuz I'm becoming vindictive in sustaining my sense of security.

I have no reasons to distrust you, so I slowly find myself warming up to you which is the precursor to vulnerability. So I fabricate reasons to distrust you by punishing you for being honest and distorting the truth to keep my fears alive. These two entities can co-exist within me. I either open myself up or I shut myself down. I can't keep fluctuating between the two. For one thing, I'm going to malfunction. Of course, each force wants to sustain its existence and is powerful. But one has to die and I want it to be my dark side.

I want to be happy. I want to treat him the way he deserves to be treated. My friends appreciate me for being intuitive, insightful, supportive, and inspiration. He likes me. He finds me fun, interesting, caring, smart, kind, good-hearted but he also thinks I'm a bit selfish, bratty, childish, and uncompassionate. These are my old qualities that haven't completely died off, but I've been resurrecting them against him to keep me from getting hurt emotionally. These qualities I've been expressing aren't actually a true reflection of who I am. I hope it's not too late and I have the opportunity to show him who I truly am. He's sensed it and that's why he likes me. I want him to know that side of me.

I'm tired of hurting him. I'm tired of the recycled apologies. If I thought I was going to hurt him again, I would've let this go once and for all. But I can do this!!!

It sounds insane and forced, but desperate measures! Our subconscious thoughts are echoes of our conscious minds, and we don't even know what our subconscious thoughts are until our conscious minds allow them to surface. Sometimes we don't even get any insight, though. If someone's a really amazing person and you have to repeat it, it'll make you question if it's really true. Like why are you trying so hard to be so convincing? But that's a generalized belief. Everything is too personal. Besides I don't want a general perception to keep me from moving forward.

For self-love to grow, I have to feed myself with self-love. It requires a lot of attention and support. I have to be reminded cuz I'm forgetful and my negativity will beat down every positive attributes I include into a space that was once only occupied by malicious thoughts. So I have to constantly give myself flowers and a lot of them cuz many will be sacrificed in the battle. Gives flower power a whole new meaning.....

And it's not just me. If I'm turning someone into an enemy and distort reality so convincingly, I have to use the truth to clear my senses. Why the fuck would I get mad at someone for falling asleep when he's tired cuz I wanted to spend time with him? If he was just a friend, I wouldn't resent him for it. I'd cover him with a blanket and be quiet or move to an insulated spot, so he can rest without distraction. But I interpreted his exhaustion as a rejection cuz if it were true, then I can leave and abandon my fears of facing these things. I wish I wasn't so fucked up in the head.

I hope it's not too late. But more importantly, I'm learning from this. It shouldn't have gotten to this point, but I'm going to turn poison into medicine!

Skate Through It

I recently went ice skating, and I'm giddy to report I didn't fall and was able to actually skate! Okay, so being able to ice skate at 27 may not seem particularly impressive, but I've gone ice skating before many, many times and I could hardly stand. I understand the instructions given to me, the proper technique I must execute to skate, but in the past my body has always locked up. I'm not sure why this time it was different.

Maybe it's because I've become more intuitive, can feel that everything has energy and I was able to channel my friend's relaxing vibe, or I've developed a better control of my body and learned to manage my stressors better. After all my body locking up was just a physical reaction to my extreme psychological fears. Without them, I can skate through it. Through my fears, through my thoughts...

Over time I was moving forward more easily but with added tension. Eventually my speed was increasing. Sometimes I had to stop over it. When I sang along to the music that was playing, I was doing much better. Maybe it had to do with the fact that skating required so much of my physical attention that my thoughts began to slip away and somehow it allowed me to deal with some things I've been struggling with. I was able to skate through it.

My thoughts sound the same as what I've told myself before, but this time it feels a little different. It's as if some subconscious epiphany has changed me. Of course, I can't prove it because it's all in my subconscious. That's just my intuition about it. What's in my past and what's behind me is there. I can't make it go away. But it feels nice to move forward, to feel the air around me. And that's what for the first time in a long time I want.

The more enjoyable moving forward is, the more comfortable I'm becoming about leaving my past behind me and even accepting the possibility that my future may not hold who I currently desire. And that's okay. I just have to skate through it.

No Longer a Public Warning

I was recently fired from a Fortune 500 company job with a lot of perks, my co-workers were a pleasure to be around, I lost a friend, and was threatened a restraining order as an attempt to keep me away from select places I enjoy (not because I was actually stalking someone). Yet all of these changes have left me feeling relieved, hopeful, receptive to the opportunities that are now open to me, and provided me with the peace of mind, clarity, and emotional balance or rightness so to speak that was lacking in the previous circumstance. When your intuition whispers to you that you belong somewhere else, explore the possibility. I found myself rationalizing my benefit of where I was as if I needed the reassurance. Every time I encounter this, some form of sabotage separates me from the path I'm on.

If I'm to break this destructive cycle, I have to create an unknown, unexplored path for a different outcome. Today I auditioned to be an extra and was told that I'm to call back tomorrow to see if I get the part. The woman said I have her vote. I won't know what'll come of it, and this isn't my dream career. But I'm stepping outside of my comfort zone and finally testing boundaries I've always been drawn to. This is a huge step.

I was asked by a good friend to do my astrological chart and I discovered that right now there's something in the stars that's making me particularly emotional, withdrawn, and depressed. I definitely sense it. Instead of embracing my emotional intensity, I've been trying to suppress it, ignore it, and choke through it as I go about my day. Not really knowing what's going on. Now that I do, my awareness is keeping me centered. I feel what's around me and as a result, I'm detaching myself so I can keep my ground. Knowledge is power.

The audition was for a part that's emotionally empowering and raw, so my state of mind was an asset. It's made me realize that we aren't always where we want to be in life, in our careers, with our friends, our relationships, our financial situations, physical health, or emotional well-being. But we are where we are. We can't force change. If we want something to be different, we have to work towards it. That takes time. The transition can be frustrating. We can help ourselves along the way by involving ourselves into a craft that matches where we are at the moment, making our curent situation a value.

Before this perspective I felt like I should be walking around with a public warning for my emotionally-fragile state. But I'm no longer a public warning. :)

Becoming an Adult Part 2

Background: The first time I "became" an adult I was twelve. I know, I know. At twelve years old, I don't even qualify as a teenager. Puberty is a pre-introduction, so how could I have possibly become an adult at that age? Well I was faced with seemingly impossible decisions and made them myself. I realized and accepted the task that crappy choices are still choices. I certainly made mistakes, but I became accountable for my own actions. I had no one else to blame. I had to figure out where I'd stay for the night, how I'll get food, and basic life decisions that most adults make for children.

I started early. Most of my friends are older than me. I learned at an early age things most people struggle to discover as adults. But there's a correlation that people who mature or become adults at an early age are also underdeveloped in some major ways. In my case, emotionally. I'm afraid to pursue relationships, although that's arguably a fear even normal people experience.

Up until recently I never had an interest to drive which can be perceived as an adolescent approach. Children can't drive. Driving is considered an adult task. It means not relying on public transportation which is essentially a poor man's limousine where you rely on someone other than yourself to reach your destination.

You greatly minimize responsibilities such as insurance, car payments, purchase vs. leasing, incentive for good credit or consequence of poor credit, gas money, parking permits, having to make decisions that lead to or not lead to tickets, unexpected auto breakdowns, car accidents, etc. Sometimes the adult decision is to accept that you can't afford these additional expenses without going into debt, a practice too many people are quick to engage in. I, on the other hand, have been working since I was twelve years old had a generous lump of money saved up. Out of paranoia that I'd need to money, I didn't distribute it towards a car which I still don't regret to this day.

People who rely on vehicle become so crippled without one that it amazes me. They practically malfunction and are unable to perform even what children can accomplish. It seems virtually impossible for them to travel anywhere without one. That's just ridiculous, and I never wanted to become that person which I would've become if I began driving because I wouldn't have explored public transit. Plus with my flaring allergies, I couldn't afford a vehicle unless I went into debt. I loathe having an IOU over my head.

My lifestyle supported the absence of a car. I found it liberating to not be enslaved to auto-related finances. To make it work, I had to make some compromises, though. But life's about choosing decisions that suit you best. I lived in an area with reliable public transportation with necessities nearby - restaurants, convenience stores, supermarkets, dry cleaners, laundromats, school, banks, coffee houses, malls, movie theaters, hair salons, drugstores, doctors, hospitals, employment agencies, etc. I created a class schedule that allotted me time to travel to necessary destinations before they closed. I chose to work nearby the places I needed to travel to. It worked well for me. I've lived everywhere from the ghetto, luxury apartments, one bedroom lofts, apartments with swimming pools, in-laws, room rentals, and now a bachelor - a studio minus the kitchen.

I live right across the street from the train station, and it costs an arm and a leg to find parking. I'm surrounded by bars, clubs, and restaurants that never sleep. I live right next to a club, in fact, which despite what you may think, makes it safer because there are bouncers and overpriced valet parking swarming with security. It takes me an hour to get to work, a time frame I never minded as it gave me a chance to read and write on the bus. But this route requires my attention because the bus runs rather quickly. I take the rapid, so I have to pay attention. The extended commute time is no longer rewarding, beneficial, or productive.

Everyone used to hesitate teaching me how to drive or continue to assure me that they will as no lessons have been presented. I refuse to pay for lessons because I'm cheap like that. I recently had my first driving lesson by the first person who kept his word. Hopefully I'll continue to learn. At first I brushed off the notion of becoming a driver because it'll be too expensive to maintain. My rent is inexpensive but parking will raise the price. If I choose to move closer to work, the rent will be more expensive that I certainly won't be able to afford a car. And what if this new job doesn't work out? These are things to consider.

A friend wanted this job to give me an opportunity to get a car. I thought the consideration was sweet, but at the time it wasn't an interest of mine. I never minded the commute. But now that I'm getting older, I'm tiring more quickly. My memory is failing me. And my location requires me to go to multiple places to gather necessary purchases, all through the rapid bus which requires my attention so I don't miss my stop. No downtime to read, reflect, meditate, or write. It's time-consuming and exhausting. It's taxing my body and I find myself malnourished because I'm not interested in cooking. Nor do I feel like taking the effort to buy frozen food which is an extra trip. Then I find myself ordering food at work. I'm trapped in a perpetual cycle.

I can't see this circumstance changing for a while, but for the first time, I want a car. So I can run my errands efficiently and I'm willing to take on the financial responsibilities attached to it. That's huge. There's a company car I could use to run errands, work-related but still....

This could work out because I want to have my license for a while before getting a car. That way insurance payments will be less expensive, maybe not by a lot but less is still less. I'd be able to borrow my friends cars, a choice that doesn't exist at the moment. I could rent a car. It'll bring me closer to an efficient lifestyle. An hour long commute is no longer relaxing as it isolates me from people. It's not a place for my thoughts to flourish. It's just an inconvenience as my energy crashes at an earlier time. So this is part 2 of becoming an adult.

Life is So Fragile and I Don't Want to be the Drowning Man

I'm not particularly a religious person. I'm spiritual, though. I believe that when the universe wants to me to go down the most conducive path for my success and spiritual growth, it becomes apparent especially when I try to resist it for whatever reason. I also know that I have a powerful energy and strong will; I have the ability to manifest my desires when I focus.

I need a job. I've been needing one for a while. I've been lucky enough so far to make rent, but living on temp gigs that may or may not approach is so risky. Since I'm not working and it's summertime, I've been going to a bunch of pool parties where my friend's friends seem to have reputable jobs with some extent of authority. They work for the city or state. Nowadays, it's all about networking and who you know. No matter how qualified you are for a job, if no one looks at your resume, you'll never even be considered. Accepting their help to get my foot in the door sounds great, but I don't like the idea that these guys are offering me assistance as they stare at me in a bikini. That's an understandable resistance, but it's my pride interfering with an opportunity to have steady income. So on the opposing end, that doesn't sound particularly logical to refuse, either.

I didn't decide to budge because I'm getting desperate financially because if that were the case, I would've skipped through the whole stubborn melodrama cuz eventually I was going to hit an inevitable financial plateau. Then what? I resort to what could've helped sooner? Well, that's dumb. But I went camping this past weekend and there's something enlightening about being close to nature.

As much of a free thinker as I'd like to think I am, I haven't escaped social conditionings and perceived notions. Pride clouds my judgment or is at least a factor. There's always going to be opposing thoughts and reasons to hesitate with virtually anything I do. So at the end it boils down to what is worth pursuing and what isn't based on my desires, priorities, and such. In nature where I'm free and I don't have to put up a barrier where I have to defend my validity because I'm a girl, the things that matter the most becomes most audible. I NEED A JOB!!!

And when I'm not too busy being prideful, I'm able to observe that many opportunities like these keep presenting themselves. It made me think of a Christian reference of a man who was drowning and refused to be rescued, insisting that God will save him. After many attempts to save him were unsuccessful and he dies, he asks God why he wasn't saved. God said I sent you rescuers, but you denied them every time! I don't want to be that drowning man.

Maybe this isn't the most ideal way for me to get a job according to my notions of what's considered acceptable and isn't which is subjective to begin with, but when is life ever ideal? My friend's daughter has been fighting cancer for years now, and recently she passed away. Do you think she would've opposed assistance to obtain an opportunity that's much needed? Probably not. A teenager was shot in San Francisco by police, and there's an outrage going on about that, even though death happens all around us. Another friend lost someone in his life. Another, her grandmother. Life is so fragile. I don't want to waste the time I have here over trivial matters.

I'm nearing my 30's as a high school dropout and I have no college degree. As with many things in my life, there are reasons but none of which truly matter cuz while the stories are interesting and outrageous, the truth is it doesn't change the circumstance. I believe there's more than one way to succeed in life, and it isn't through education. I have to find the path that's right for me cuz the universe seems to constantly re-direct me away from sitting inside of a classroom and steering me more towards the battlefield, exposed and right in the middle of it all. I guess I'm gutsy enough to hang. Sometimes, though, I wish I could use a break but whatever, things can be worse.

I'm not ready for a serious relationship cuz I can't even get a job and my biological clock is ticking. Not that I'm really tripping off of that now because regardless of my age and my body, I have desires separate from those factors. But the problem is that I'm so behind in my own life that I have to work harder and faster to catch up, so WHEN I'm ready, not when my age or society tells me I should be, I want everything else in my life to be more or less developed so I can pursue my desires.

What a Spiritual Experience

After a brief moment of mild depression characterized by emotional detachment, a sense of emptiness and indifference with a strong absence of motivation, I had to face the daunting possibility that this emotional numbness can quite possibly be or lead to depression, something I would've never suspected. A little while after I noticed this, it still took some time for me to "snap out of it." Fortunately, this was in the early stages.

I put a conscious effort to be positive and found myself attracting new people with a strong spiritual presence and reuniting with some conscientious souls I'm grateful to know. The timing is undeniably meaningful for me. My aura is predominantly purple and it reveals that I have an unusual ability to manifest my desires, and recently it's proven to be true.

*I wasn't able to write this when I was first compelled to and while this presence of spiritual growth still burns inside of me, its evolved. I wish I was able to freely write then because I'm at a loss for words, but maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it's a sign that the experiences are beginning to resonate within me. Spirituality is powerful and more real than our five senses, but it's intangible and even ambiguous at times. I feel like over explaining is out of sync to true spirituality.

I was recently speaking to a friend of mine who's perspective has expanded since our last encounter. He's very philosophical and inquisitive, but he wasn't always spiritually curious and now I see him making a conscious effort to connect to it the way I attempted to years ago. I believe he wants to believe but is unable to. However, in time, I'm confident he'll become more receptive as I became and come closer to what he's seeking. He approached the matter in the same way I did, the way he understands the world, logically. And just as I've realized, his subconscious is beginning to unfold a fact many spiritual souls already know, that you can't intellectualize something so profound and outside the realms of the brain. But it's not something you can explain or teach someone; it's an experience someone has to have.

It was great to see him because he was my neighbor and I went from seeing him regularly to remembering him when he updates his facebook. But hanging out with him wasn't an estranged experience at all. He's still my friend I know and remember but with new dimensions. And while I haven't felt like the new and confused student, I've been surrounded by people who are far more spiritually-evolved than I am and I often carry the mindset that I want to grow and evolve that spending time with him made me realize how much I actually have grown and evolved. I experienced a moment of quiet appreciation.

I gave a close friend advice and he asked me if I went to Moontribe, a spiritual gathering that I was unable to attend because he sensed a spiritual growth in me from the last time we talked which was no more than a week and a half ago. And I'm attracting more spiritual energy than I have before. I look forward to where it leads me.

I Want to Create Colorful Memories :)

I know I've been neglectful blogging, but I've been busy procrastinating unpacking, recovering from an injury, then a cold, becoming re-acquainted with my OCD....you know that kind of stuff. But I'm doing great. There are finally no more boxes at my place, just small amounts of clutter that have to be designated and organized. If only that would be the end, though...I have like six more boxes stored in my friends garage I have to rummage through. And I have two small chests and an air mattress. And a whole bunch of pretty purple decoratives but no real furniture! So alas I'll have to bed a new bed platform and a mattress because as grateful as I am that my friend gave me his air mattress, it deflates every couple of days!



I've been feeling uncertain about something that deep down I was too afraid to admit I knew the answer to and I finally got the clarity I needed. I wish so many barriers didn't exist in virtually every aspect of my life, but I'm just glad things are going well. I feel like I have to work on my template to enjoy my new life, which is a struggle but definitely the right direction! I guess it all depends on perspective. Part of me felt discouraged because of the unexpected road blocks but that's life. And I'm beginning to realize that it isn't the flashing neon obstructions that matter but the subtleties in life many of us forget to embrace. I want to create colorful memories!

Colorful memories is meaningful to me at the moment, but I want to create overall colorful memories, too! I want to decorate my walls. I want to explore my creativity, an unpracticed habit. I want to make my own space, create my little oasis, and find harmony in my world, something I've never had before and it's something I feel could honestly happen. But in order for that to happen I have to get to work on time. If I screw up even once before April of next year, I lose my job! Why am I always walking on a jump rope?

*Didn't have time to edit this so if it's all garbled up, that's why!