Vertigo in the Midst of a Hurricane

I have a friend who means so much to me that it kills me to see him suffer. After a series of irrational and pointless arguments I'm sad to admit I've been a part of cuz it certainly wasn't a one-sided argument, I began opening my eyes to what the problem is. I don't mean to come off pretentious, despite the pretentious aura, but it's not me. When others are angry, while external forces play a role, it's deeply rooted in the angered individual.

Anger only survives in us when an imbalance and susceptibility for it is present within us. When I stopped reacting and stopped taking offense to the attacks, my perception expanded. I saw what was beyond the surface. I stopped being a part of the problem long enough to see it's not necessary to defend myself because when I do, I give power to the toxic energy and that only makes me susceptible to reciprocate.

I've been struggling in my own way with this. I've yo-yoed through a series of feelings and positions. I empathize for his suffering cuz despite my vehement position that it's self-inflicted, pain is still pain and knows no discrimination. I remember suffering the way he is. I haven't forgotten how difficult it is to let go, to feel helpless, drowning in what felt like the cause and source of my happiness, frustration, resentment, and anger, unable to separate myself from every negative energy I could possibly be linked to and even more harder in some ways continue to proceed with all that weight and burden. I didn't know how to stop. Slowing down and taking a break was perceived as a form of weakness. Even though I desperately needed a break, I refused to allow myself of such a thing. And in some ways it was even harder that I could keep going this way cuz it was discouraging. If I can keep going like this and nothing seemed to change around me, my environment, my life, my actions, my surroundings, my annoyances, people, then how can it ever get any better?

And if I never thought it could get better, I didn't want to put in the work towards improvement I didn't believe I'd ever meet. So I self-destructively sustained and perpetuated the problem, which not only changed nothing but exacerbated existing issues, as well as invite new burdens into my life. I paradoxically both knew and didn't know that I did everything I could to suspend myself in the state I was in, but I manifested even more damage into my life cuz the intensity of my rage was so powerful and subliminal that I was attracting more of it. With my own limited awareness, as well as the input of others, I was aware of my unhelpfulness and uncooperation in the matter. But I also didn't see what was going on, and that's why I was like that.

I still don't know how I got past it. I've read of the struggle and of how things got better when it was overcome, but there never seems to be much detail in the how-to. The transition between Hell to better is invisible. I went through it. I wrote about it. I still write about it. And yet I can't string together the transition, the thread that led me out of that darkness.

If anything, surviving it makes me susceptible to being intolerant to my friend's difficulty especially since it is self-inflicted! My friend's much like me a nervous person prone to stress if he's not careful. But I don't react the way he does under fire. He's asked me more than once how I've learned to not struggle the way he does. I'm sure I frustrated him with my answer which was that I couldn't really tell him. Each situation is unique and we're different people. Even if I could explain how I overcame it, it wouldn't help him. That's what I told him. The details beyond this sentence were thoughts in my mind that I kept to myself. This is something he needs to deal with internally. My source of knowledge would merely be external references for him, an insubstantial measure. The answer I gave him was a calculated one, however honest it was. But my thought to his question was that I grew up and stopped reacting like an adolescent.

You're pissed cuz you have fines. You earned them when you turned on a no u-turn sign, drove past a red light, exceeded the speed limit, parked where you weren't supposed to, or neglected to move your car when you should have. By saving at most 3 minutes (and that's a generous time line), you got a ticket cuz you turned when you shouldn't, an easily avoidable act. You take the same route weekly and are familiar with the neighborhoods you drive through. These are conscientious choices on your part. And it's not like he was running late and had any reason or motivation to rush.

You get caught, while others get away with it. It's true, that's unfair. I'm not disagreeing with that. So then what? You wanna keep focusing on how it's fucking unfair or do you want to make YOUR situation better by making the necessary and easy adjustments? If you know what you're doing wrong and how that's the cause of your problem but continue to do it, then you're responsible for it. Other people are on the road just like you. Other people take the same route to work just like you. But not everyone is getting fined just like you cuz their actions are different from yours.

Instead of recognizing and accepting where the fault lies, which means he has to face his own self-criticism cuz he's unable to examine things objectively and without judgment, he blames the government and meter maids. Sure, our system's flawed. Meter maids want you to screw up, and our system is created in a way that our government profits from our mistakes rather than investing in responsible drivers. The citizens are the ones at a disadvantage at the end. But that still doesn't change how you're creating the problem for yourself as a conscientious driver knowledgeable of the law and rules.

There's no flaw in my logic, and he knows it whether I express it or not. It's obvious! That also adds to his frustration cuz HE keeps fucking up. He's upset with himself. And it's understandable. But nothing will get better if nothing changes. Knowing this he still continues to sabotage himself and then he finds himself over burdened and desperate to unload.

Sometimes you just wanna lash out cuz when you're filled with negativity, it has to be released. No matter how irrational a person's being, it's important to give them room to boil over so they can normalize. But there's a fine line between releasing the hostility and allowing it room to grow by feeding into it every time you express it. This has been building inside of him for a solid year now. A fucking year of bitching by an adult who sets his behavior up for this exact consequence. Seeing how his complaints and repercussions are the same, he's aware of the mistakes that it causes. So WHAT...THE....FUCK....

Things have gotten so bad for him that everything's an escalation from what it actually is. He let things get out of hand, and he's struggling to resume control. As a result, minor details enrage him as if it's 500% percent worse than it actually is. He's ashamed of his reaction and blames others for it cuz he believes it's triggered by the actions of others. So not only does he get livid when something he considers unacceptable occurs, but he's raging with anger whenever there's a disagreement and by disagreement I mean even minor, minor details. It's frightening how emotionally hostile he gets over matters that are so dismissive.

Wall art
Washing the dishes
Opening the blinds

He has this green wall shelf decoration. It's a huge box with boxes within it. It's decorative. You can place stuff on it, whatever you'd like really. It was temporarily sitting below the kitchen island when he first received it. They're both a shade of green and the color complimented each other well. I said I liked where it was placed. I know that wasn't meant to be there or will be there permanently, but I was just commenting on the unique placement. I'm weird. I like weird stuff. I mean, who puts a large boxy wall shelf below a kitchen island in the hallway area sitting on top of a carpet? Yes, it's odd and would be very misplaced. But is it so severe that it should be the cause of yelling and being condescending and rude and disrespectful? Fuck no!

I swear all I said is I like where you put it. He said it's not going to stay there, that it's supposed to be on the wall. I said I know, but I like where it is. It's different. He repeated himself and now in retrospect he expressed it with frustration and a mild tinge of hostility that it's supposed to be on the wall. I still said I liked it cuz it's unique.

It's as if he got upset cuz my belief was a disruption against what's supposed to be, and he has so little tolerance for things that aren't the way they're supposed to be cuz he's unhappy with his life and how he feels it's not the way it's supposed to be. I wish I had that epiphany while the argument was taking place. I would've invested far less energy into it. Since the conversation was so harmless in my eyes, I didn't realize the hostility that rose from what I poured into, my thoughts... I mean who would've thought it would lead to its ultimate destination?

So after I said it's unique, he yelled at me that it was stupid. What about a coffee table on the wall and an upside down couch? That's unique. It's different. And no one's doing it. Then he reminds me that no one does it cuz it's not supposed to be like that and it's stupid! Over reaction much? That should've been my response. That's it. I shouldn't have bothered to take offense over something so trivial and stupid. But I did. I got upset. I was hurt. I mean really devastated not by the words but the emotional hostility, disrespectful, and rudeness that carried those other powerless words.

A culmination of reactions like those made me face the undeniable reality that it's a lot less about me and more about him. I really doubt I was responsible for his actions cuz perhaps I was being rude, condescending, and disrespectful in some way outside of that brief conversation that stirred a hostility in him that could no longer be contained. And even if I did, he invented the walled coffee table and upside couch cuz a pointless, irrelevant hypothetical situation was able to so easily anger him. How is that on me?

He admitted to me that his friend pisses him off cuz he wakes up in the afternoon. He said it judgmentally about how he's unproductive and gets nothing done cuz the morning is when people should wake up. He and his friend aren't in business together. He's not losing profit. It's not interfering with them hanging out. When they're together, they enjoy each other's company. His friend's sleep pattern isn't disrupting his sleep pattern. He's in such a heightened state of anger, hostility, and criticism that he's conditioned to effortlessly identify things he disapproves of and lashes out at it relentlessly, even when those things have no direct impact on his life.

When his DVD player didn't operate correctly, he literally had a meltdown. I mean, screaming, the heavy panting breathing, and just flipping out. It was freaky. Not being able to find parking was so stressful for him that he began sweating profusely, he got clammy, and it got so bad that he got vertigo and incredibly pale and weak. His hands looked lifeless and he had little energy to move his arms. He could barely keep his eyes open. When he forced them open, they opened very slowly and his eyelids looked like they were weighing down heavily.

His actions leave me unsympathetic and pitiless towards him. But when it manifests into physical concerns, I worry. I mean, I really worry. Since I can emotionally detach myself and have learned to not get contaminated by his negativity, I have no desire to abandon him. He stressed himself out so badly that he got a fever and he recovered surprisingly quickly. A full day of resting made a world of difference. But he got angry when I asked him if he wanted to sleep on his bed.

I know some people take offense to stuff like that however well-intentioned it is cuz they perceive it as condescending or treating someone as weak. If I show that I care about you and you take it negatively, that's not my fault. With that said, I ask cuz I want my friends to feel better. If such a question will only exacerbate the situation, I'll keep my mouth shut. I can care about someone in silence. But in this case he wasn't mad at me; he was mad at what it represented, that he's sick. His anger didn't last, though, as he could barely stand. I accompanied him on a two hour ride which should've totaled to four hours but actually lasted six hours cuz I was afraid that his fever would relapse. He was barely able to keep his head straight just hours before.

I can't tell someone like him to not go for a drive. It'll only anger the rebellion, which is likely to weaken him. I had to ask him to take me to Robeks as a favor to me when I wanted him to get some nourishment. He admitted to me that it helped and gave him a boost of energy. He said it was easier to move. If you could barely keep your fucking head up and your body feels weak, why the fuck would you be behind the wheel?

I'm glad he's safe, and I don't regret ensuring that. Every so often, I told him I wanted to stop and pee. He would get annoyed, but each time I felt like his focus was shifting was when I made these requests and it always ended with him saying I made a good judgment. It's frightening to think of what could've happened if I wasn't there cuz I've seen him struggle going up three flights of stairs. He'd walk like a drunk person and be completely sober. But I'd rather he not be like this.

I'd rather he return to the positive and happy person he used to be. I wish he'd face the difficulty he's trying so hard to ignore as a way to overcome it. I wish he'd stop focusing on small details and see the big picture cuz it takes time even after realizing the big picture to shift our moods that have solidified in negativity. I wish he'd stop being a victim to fixed beliefs that productivity should dominate and step away from engaging in inefficient tasks and meditate where he used to. I wish every time he has an opportunity to get upset and complain about the cause, he chooses to do somethign else, anything else. Listen to good music. Think up three positive things to say. It sounds cheesy, but he has to change his habits.

Being negative has become a conscious, subconscious, and unconscious habit. It's become a toxic lifestyle. To change it, he has to actively engage in positive thinking. His brain probably hasn't released happy chemicals in so long that he has to alert them and entertain them before they become operational again.

I wish he would realize how important he is and make himself a priority. Yes, the clutter in his apartment is stressing him out but if twenty minutes of trying to clean it up leaves him angry for six hours, then he needs to take a break rather than try and push through it. It may not seem productive to go to the beach for a day and do nothing cuz he'll have nothing measurable to show for it, but sometimes the most valuable things are immeasurable. I wish he would realize that.

I won't abandon him right now as long as I can stay positive through all of this, but I don't want to have to be disciplined and focused to stay anchored. I'd much rather be doing something else rather than babysitting an adult from himself. I know he didn't ask for me to turn him into my responsibility and I know it sounds incredibly condescending. But I'm not exaggerating when I say he could drive off and get into a car accident. Something has to change cuz if it doesn't, I won't be here. Right now he's continuing down a road deeper and much darker. I won't be able to stay above the negativity for much longer and when I run out of breath, I'm going to go on survival mode and he'll be alienated. I care about him, but I refuse to go down with the ship.

OCDing at Work

I'm starting to dislike this habit I'm developing. I'm glad I finally got a job that's more conducive to my personal goals and meets the kind of standards I desire, but I'm falling back on bad habits. Because I have the permission and freedom to web surf, that's how I fill my day. Of course I fulfill my job duties, as well, but I'm not taking advantage of this free time like I should be. I could be writing, but instead I'm looking at things in a patterned sort of way. I'm indulging my OCD.

I don't feel incapable of stopping, nor do I think I'd be overcome with an unsettling feeling. So it isn't stress-induced, just bad habits forming. I'm worry that if I don't stop and take advantage of this opportunity, this temp to hire won't turn into hire cuz the universe won't feel that my habits are conducive to my goals. So I really need to focus, but I have zero interest to pursue my writing projects. Why is that?

Do I deep down not want to develop those books I've always told myself I'm interested in? Is this related to my fear of beginning something when I'm uncertain of what my first step should be? Why am I so afraid of taking a step? These questions won't solve or change my habits, but I want to address them publicly. This way I'll recognize the concern for what it is, rather than continue down this path. Unfortunately I don't see myself reforming any time soon, but awareness is important. Rather than burying the truth so I don't have to deal with it, I'd rather express it, even if it takes me a while to correct it.

Things to Improve

After making it a point to address that I’m not going to emphasize the New Year, I find myself focusing on it more and more with time. But I believe I’m being productive and conducive, so I encourage this process. Unlike New Year’s Resolutions that are too vague to maintain and quickly forgotten, I’m going to create a list of qualities I’d like to improve on. By concentrating on certain habits and how I should correct them, as well as the benefits of improving them, I’m more likely to work on them. I’ll be taking an objective look and incorporating constructive ways to improve them. I’ll not only be productive but by expressing how it’ll improve my quality of life, I’m benefiting from the rewards effect. It’s like a teaser of what’s to come, that feeling of being proud and wanting to keep up the momentum.

1. Stop procrastinating.

Problem: I’ve adopted procrastination at the mature age of 26. With my OCD and absence of procrastination for most of my life, I believed I escaped this plague. How wrong I was! As I began to work on how I manage my stress, I became less tense about ordinary tasks like paying rent and other expenses. Although it’s good to be on time, it’s unhealthy to panic at the idea that I might not make rent. I eventually discovered after having to face those fears that the world doesn’t end when I don’t pay my rent on the first of the month or I’m a little late on my credit bills. I now find myself procrastinating in many areas of my life because I’m able to sustain myself in my current condition.

Solutions: Break the habit! The key to procrastination is to get started. Even if I retreat to my procrastinating habits, I have to transition towards my goal. It’s emotionally liberating and I’ll realize my laziness is unfounded, which over time will reduce my laziness greatly. I began adding positive things I’d like to do on my to-do list, so I’m more likely to reference it and knock down the list. As much as possible, I’ll combine both an enjoyable task with a less pleasant one such as doing the laundry while talking on the phone with a loved one. Things like that. J

2. Stop being so insecure.

Problem: Being insecure is damaging to my self-esteem and I see no benefit in it. It doesn’t motivate me, and I find myself desperate to avoid people who might reveal to me how amazing I truly am. That’s irrational and unfair.

Solution: We’re susceptible to the things we tell ourselves, even and especially through subconscious communication. Our conscious thoughts are echoes of our subconscious minds. So I’m going to take the time to express and appreciate my positive qualities. I spend an unreasonable amount of time denigrating myself, I can and more than deserve a brief amount of praise early in the morning when I rise and right before I retire. When I find myself with free time, it’s also a good opportunity to remind myself of my positive qualities.

3. Don’t look at the worst in others.

Problem: For various reasons, I find myself seeing the worst in others. Sometimes it’s to protect myself emotionally. I’m more guarded if I think negatively of people. I also think the worst in others when I take something out of context to support my beliefs in my adequacies.

Solution: In combination to acknowledging MY positive traits, which include being a good judge of character and surrounding myself with positive people, I’m going to give the same courtesy and remind myself of other peoples’ positive qualities. We all have negative qualities, and I sincerely believe it’s important to be aware of them. However, I become intimately familiar with the negative stuff. It’s now time to know the positive traits. By focusing on their positive qualities, I’ll appreciate them more and get a balanced perspective. It’ll make me realize how silly it is to highlight a small, insignificant detail. And we’ll all be happier for it.

4. Make allowances for peoples’ mistakes.

Problem: I tend to be unforgiving of peoples’ mistakes, as though we aren’t human. I can be unhappy or disappointed by them, but I MUST let it go. I should hold hostage of it, so I have something to scrutinize. It isn’t fair and it does no one any good but cause insurmountable frustration.

Solution: It’s all about incorporating balance. I certainly don’t make excuses for people, but I can afford to make allowances for peoples’ mistakes. Sometimes when we’re moody, we say something that’s inconsiderate and even disrespectable. One statement shouldn’t overpower months’ consistent behavior. Keep that in mind when you’re tempted to emphasize displeasure. The truth is if I stay silent, I gain perspective and realize that it really isn’t that big of a deal. Sometimes I have to remind myself more firmly because I’d prefer disparaging someone and finding relief in it, rather than disciplining myself. But this is about self-improvement. So I MUST overcome my challenges.

5. Develop discipline.

Problem: I dislike authority. But I find that without supervision and no one to monitor me, I procrastinate. The truth is I could’ve made far more progress in the books I want published. In fact it wasn’t until late last year that I gave them considerable thought. And even then, I’ve come up with concepts and titles. Really beginning to write about it is a different story. I don’t want to rely on external sources to complete tasks I, as an adult, should be able to accomplish independently. I MUST develop discipline.

Solution: Get started. No matter how little I actually produce, I MUST put in the time and effort because even a little bit everyday is better than nothing everyday. Eventually the amount of progress developed will increase. I can’t wait around until I’m able to create an adequate amount of results in a short amount of time or else I’ll never get started. My goal is to take the time and write 2 hours everyday.

6. Not exercising.

Problem: It’s so easy to be sedentary. Without motivation or drive to make a change, I find myself immobile. The idea of breaking a sweat is more daunting than the actual result.

Solution: The only way for me to overcome my hesitation of exercising is to get started and prove to myself that the workout isn’t unbearable. Place sneakers and workout clothes by the bed and slip into them every morning. Go outside for a walk. Even something low impact is better than nothing. Once I develop the routine, I can increase the actual amount of exercise I engage in.

7. Stay connected.

Problem: Life has a way of shifting us away from the people we want to stay connected to. Sometimes I lose track of time until I notice a huge gap from the last time I spoke with friends.

Solution: Try to dedicate time to reconnect with friends. Maybe I can reach out over the weekend and weekdays during lunch hour. Wednesdays might be a good day to make contact with people. Or in the beginning of the week, I can plan on reaching people on specific days and follow through with it. I have certain friends I really want to reconnect with. I told them I’d like to see them at least once a month if possible. That would mean the world to me!

I’m sure there are more things I can improve on, but I’m satisfied with my current list.

What Do I Want Most of All?

Something dawned on me. I have a lot of thoughts, epiphanies, opinions, desires, ambitions, opportunities I don’t care about, missed opportunities, regrets, laughs, friends, clothes, etc etc. You get the idea. I’m plagued with excess, and it leaves me unfocused and cluttered. It’s taking its series of tolls on me. It used to make me feel overwhelmed until I adapted and became numb to them. Nowadays I feel empty because all this excess gives an illusion of abundance, as though it’s fulfilling in some way when it really isn’t.

For someone who’s so good at attention to detail, I’m not too great at focusing on the right attention. And sometimes the way to find the details is in stepping back. If something isn’t natural to me, it may take me decades before I become receptive to it, let alone be able to understand or execute it. Fortunately for me, I’m inquisitive by nature and passivity, if I do ever incorporate it, is temporary.

Lately I’ve been asking myself this specific question, “What do I want most of all?” My first and most important answer is to have emotional security, a sense of confidence in myself. I’m such a paradox. When I was younger, people would tell me they thought at first glance I’m a self-absorbed, egotistical, confident bitch. I’m so far from that, but I suppose it’s a façade I created. I began to emulate what I wanted and to an extreme.

Few people know how truly insecure I am and how much I doubt myself. I guess readers of this blog have a greater insight than some of my closest friends. It’s easy to pretend I’m confident. I get attention, and I have such an influential energy about me that few people ever oppose me. Any basic psych textbook can tell you the signs of a confident person is someone who walks tall and proud, back arched, head high up, smile, interact, make your presence known, and talk with a tone that’s firm, rather than quiet, meek, or indecisive.

A lot of people know this, but most people aren’t in control of their subconscious acts. I’m not saying that I have a greater sense of awareness. Not only would that be incredibly arrogant but also unintelligent. How can I measure my subconscious behavior? It’s subconscious! But I have consciously put in A LOT of effort portraying the signs of confidence. I used to look at girls who appeared confident and tried to copy their walk. I discovered the best way for my body to elongate, make my back sit so to speak where my back was properly arched and I consciously practiced the other traits. I have OCD, so it was easy to stay on track. I would tell myself, “smile, smile, smile, smile, God damn it, SMILE!!!” Things like that until it became natural.

I never let anyone in on my insecurities, so relationships were always the ones that suffered because in situations like that, you’re always exposed. I’m unable to expertly conceal myself by masquerading to be the exact opposite. It’s not fair to the person I’m involved with. It’s always been a problem but one that hardly arises as I rarely met anyone I was interested in getting involved with. My circumstance now just highlights this problem I’ve been ignoring for years. I don’t want to fix this for external reasons; I want it for myself.

The truth is I don’t think I realized how severe it was until now. It’s always been important to me to be a good friend who someone can open up to and trust. The energy I give off is the energy I attract and vice versa. I want to be aware of this, so I can exude positive energy. And there’s nothing positive about suppressing paralyzing insecurity and doubt that eats away at me like a poison I camouflage from the rest of the world. Energy is subliminal. It doesn’t pick up on my behavior but what’s inside of me, and this isn’t what I want to release into the universe.

When something can be interpreted positively or negatively, I reject any positive possibilities and always resort to the negative outcome. Sometimes I’m completely blinded to positive signs or will go as far as discarding it to maintain the consistency that the negative perspective carries. My mind is so strategic and processes information so quickly that it took me years to catch up to it and a lot of people pointing to my error of thought. The problem is not many people can navigate in my mind, so I ignored the statements that came my way as false input. I use negative statements people say out of error or anger, which we all do and use it as an anchor to keep me from being swept away in the moment.

I want to change. I want to just smile back without being suspicious. I want to be able to accept a compliment about my looks without my mind jumping to criticizing someone’s taste or inability to multi-task because there’s another girl more pretty right next to me. I want to apply for that job I know I can do well without experiencing feelings of inadequacies or feeling like I’m being deceptive and manipulative when I convince myself to give me that job because I’m convinced I’ll fail epically. I want to pursue something and move to the next stage, rather than staying where I am out of fear that I won’t perform well in a new environment. I want to be able to do things on my own for the experience, rather than hiding away from the idea of being rejected if I ask others and they have better things to do. I want to focus on my strengths, rather than my weaknesses. I want to embrace my strengths and practice them without guilt because I have weaknesses. I want to know my flaws and weaknesses, so I can strengthen them or know how to overcompensate with my stronger qualities.

Sometimes I’m shocked by the confidence and credit people give themselves. I think to myself, “No way you’re good enough for that!” Sometimes I’m right, sometimes I’m wrong. But does it really matter? It’s a toxic thought process. I’ve always been a firm believer that mistakes teach us more than always doing things right and offers us more meaningful experiences.

Yet I’m terrified of taking a chance because of the possibility that I’ll make a mistake. Rarely do I ever initiate things on my terms where a mistake occurs. Mistakes just happen around me and I’m effected by it. A lot of times it may not even be entirely my fault, but I accept the blame because I feel I deserve it since my contributions led to it, despite my objections or my intuition that indicate I’m wiser than how I’m being portrayed.

I could never understand girls who used to stare in front of the mirror for hours giving attention to their flaws. Just knowing I had them was so unbearable that I didn’t have the strength to face them or give them my time. Instead I immersed myself in such an effective distraction that I was sufficiently occupied. What I didn’t know then is how the feelings were still there and without removing them, they’d become systemic and contaminate me immeasurably.

It’s becoming harder to conceal my insecurities. I’m losing interest in maintaining my façade, but I have no desire to surrender to these beliefs, either. So I exist in this perpetual state of conflict that overwhelms me as life passes me by. I want to stop being so insecure because for me that’s my key to happiness. Insecurity is the brake that prevents me from truly enjoying life.

Making Improvements

I don’t feel like I have a lot of news to offer. My life hasn’t been moving in the direction or speed I’d like (whatever that direction may be). But I’m making improvements in my life. Steps so small that perhaps they aren’t noteworthy if a standard existed. Not that it matters because I’d ignore such a guideline anyways.

I’m no longer being a destructive force ready to annihilate the only person I’ve ever met that I want to be in a relationship with for real and present reasons. I still find myself being unreasonably insecure by his joking words. Even when I’m tempted to brush them off and flaunt a positive attitude, I find myself becoming smaller. But at least its effects are visible to me now. I can fight what I can sense but a silent force that eats away at me is a different story. So that’s progress…

I’ve stepped back and realize the damage I’ve caused. It’s keeping me cautious, conscientious, considerate, and more thoughtful than I’ve been in a while. I’m ashamed at realizing how negligent I’ve become at being a good person. I feel like I took a hiatus on being considerate and thoughtful. Returning back to that state requires assimilation, and that’s rather unsettling. But again at least it’s happening.

I wish I could celebrate more in my life, but unfortunately there’s very little going on in my life right now. It’s embarrassing to become the girl who’s lost herself in a sea of emotions triggered by a guy and her own insecurities. When you wake from such a nightmare, you find other aspects of your life to be in ruins. I can’t revive what’s dead. I can remove the carcasses to make room for new life and create an ambiance that’ll promote new energy.

Before I get ahead of myself and begin working on those aspects, though, I have to give attention to the very few remaining livelihood left in my life. And that’s why I’m changing my attitude. I don’t want him to suffer through the hellish me again. More importantly, I don’t want to be that person anymore.

I’m not certain how the transformation is supposed to take effect. I do know that my unacceptable behavior was a negative reaction to my insecurities. I have to strengthen myself emotionally and mentally. Whether I act out of line again or not, the cause is the problem and has to be eradicated or transformed into a more powerful and positive source because I refuse to have that presence continue to exist within me. It’s an unwelcome energy that’s made itself a guest within my conscious.

Our thoughts become echoes of our subconscious. The problem is we don’t know what our subconscious thoughts are until IT decides to make itself known to our conscious mind. Only then are we included in what’s going on within ourselves because we have off limits inside ourselves. Talk about helplessness. By the time it’s become known to us, it’s too late. Whatever thoughts we’ve carried over the years have taken root in us. That’s why it’s so important to be careful what energy we attract and keep in our lives.

To kill something off and replace it with something better, you have to starve what you want to remove. Make it weak, so it can die. Feed what you want to exist and survive with the nutrients it needs to flourish. So in this case, I want to rid myself of the insecurities that have plagued me.

It takes a surprising amount of discipline, focus, and conscientiousness. I have to recognize what’s strengthening it, which is difficult to do because I’m untrained at recognizing its allies. Once I uncover these culprits, I have to find ways of eliminating it out of my life. Sometimes that’s a real challenge. Now this only applies to the enemies that are present now.

Threats exist and arise everywhere. I have to ignore them but through recognizing them or else it’ll re-enter into my life undetected. Sometimes it’s just a matter of changing my own behavior. When someone makes a seemingly harmless joke like how they’re embarrassed to be around me, I have to paralyze my auto-reflex of almost instantly feeling inferior. It’s like trying to stop myself from free falling when there’s nothing I can attach myself to. Most times I’m not even aware it’s happening, so I’m unable to protect myself against a danger I don’t suspect or see. Other times it’s happening so quick that even with my awareness, it’s already begun and I don’t know how to stop it.

It’s discouraging when I can’t even see what I’m supposed to stop and even when I do, I’m not quick enough. My failure gives validity to my insecurity, telling me that this is why I feel the way I feel because I really am not good enough. I can’t even help myself. That kind of attention distorts reality. I feel so inadequate that I get consumed in it, not making myself receptive to other facts like how virtually everyone fails at something repeatedly before they succeed and it’s actually a building process for success. Without it, success can’t occur. Another word for it is practice.

I’m not going to feel good overnight. But I like to say smile through the bullshit because if you wait until bullshit leaves your life, you’ll only frown until death greets you and takes hostage of you. Or I say smile through the tears because manifestation is a powerful tool. When I’m crying and I’m upset, I hate it. I loathe it. I want to be happy. I want to smile and feel good again. But as long as I’m crying, that can’t happen. If I wait for the tears to pass, I’ll waste so much time. So instead I smile and force the sadness out of me. I give myself reasons to be happy. Why can’t I follow that same philosophy for my insecurities?

Killing things off isn’t unfamiliar territory. While my experience lies in annihilating positive qualities, all I have to do is change my target. Death of negativity is great and all, but there’s a problem when all that’s left is just death. Death of positive qualities, death of negative qualities. Some form of life has to exist for balance. I’ve recently discovered this because once I got rid of negative energy, I found myself depleted and weak because I didn’t replace it with something nourishing. I still forget to feed myself in positive ways. But at least now I want I should.

When I go deeper within myself, I can hear myself whispering lies of how I’m not good enough. If I have to tell myself negative things for those thoughts to stay alive, I have to say positive things to myself so they’ll stay alive. The process in sustaining an energy life force isn’t what’s flawed. What I’m choosing to keep alive is.

I remember believing that if I’m truly a worthy person, I don’t have to tell myself that because saying it doesn’t make it true. Being worthy is what makes it true. But the truth is we get distracted and sometimes we forget. So the reminders are necessary. Negative thoughts have to recycle in our minds in order to survive; we just aren’t aware of it because it’s occurring in our subconscious.

So as lame as it may sound, I’m going to greet myself in the morning and evening saying nice things to myself, just as I do for the people in my life. If they’re good enough to hear positive things from me, I’m good enough too! I have this fear of going stale and just going through the motions. Even before I’ve begun the process, I’m already complaining and indulging in my fears. Not good! But I’ve listened to my concerns, so I’ll be guarding myself against stagnation. Although it’ll be a while before it becomes routine because it’ll take time to believe what I’m telling myself.

I’m an attractive woman, but beauty is skin deep. I’m also a beautiful person on the inside. No, inner beauty isn’t reserved for the physically unattractive. Inner beauty doesn’t discriminate. What makes me beautiful is my friendliness, caring nature, consideration, thoughtful, interesting personality, intelligence, insightfulness, fun spirit, intuition, desire and ability to help people, my altruistic nature, communication skills, talent as a writer, quality of friendship I offer, my open-mindedness, receptiveness, unique qualities, independence, curious mind, good-heart, honesty, flexibility in my life, resilience to life’s chaos, inner strength, opinionated thoughts, great ideas, inspirational influence, supportive and encouraging qualities, empathetic nature, charm, ability to make friends easily, attract people into my life, the presence of spark I bring out of people, the impact I have in peoples’ life, the smiles and laughter I spread to the people around me, the insights I offer them, the reasons they open up to me, and a myriad of other qualities I’ve yet to mention or even discover.

I help formulate my friends’ goals and aspirations. I make it easier for them to deal with their struggles. My smile has the ability to warm someone’s heart. I’m caring and loving. I’m a valuable friend. I would make a great significant other in someone’s life. I’m affectionate. I give personalized attention. I’m encouraging and supportive. I’d make a good mom because I’m full of ideas and want to share experiences. I have a lot to offer. I’m not any less deserving than anyone else. J

I have a lot more to work on. When I began outlining this entry in my mind, I imagined it to be much briefer. But I’m pleased with the new life that was born through this entry. My spark of confidence and self-esteem boost.

Getting Tired of this Bullshit!

Okay, I've had it! I'm tired of being emo! I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of my depressing entries. I'm tired of exhausting myself emotionally and spiritually cuz I'm too fucked up in the head. Time for a major deep emotional cleanse cuz I can't, I REFUSE, to keep going on like this.

All my pains and fears are real and not to pull the childhood card but understandable. I ran away from home at 12, bounced around in foster homes and group homes. I've never really been a part of a loving home or environment and the one I was exposed to, I mostly hid away from. Those are explanations, but they shouldn't be what keeps drowning me. I try to stay away from the water, but I keep walking into it cuz I'm terrified about what's out there on land. Then I panic as I drown. Well what the fuck do I expect? I put myself in these situations.

I want to be happy. I found someone who makes me happy. Yes, I'm scared. I've been burned in the past. So I what burn him before he tries to burn me when he's given me no indication that he will burn me? That makes my defensive maneuvers just malicious and paranoid. When I go further deep into my thoughts, I know I'm not doing this cuz I'm scared he'll burn me; I'm terrified that he won't. It's a universal fear, so I'm not alone in it. I'm not crazy for experiencing it, but I'm tired.

This is just like when I gave up on my adolescent anger and violence cuz as an adult, it required too much energy to maintain it. As Head Cashier at Walgreens, the impatience of a customer led to cops being called. Extreme much? Now I've handled escalated calls and manage irate people and molding them into gentler beings. That's an unbelievable transformation! I have to do the same with this.

Yes, it's depressing how I got motivated. Fear of losing someone. My actions are still rarely triggered through self desire and more from external sources, but that's another issue. I'm not going to delay this recovery process by weighing myself down with other issues I have. Not cuz I'm in denial but cuz I'm focused and determined to overcome this.

I'm always going to trust people who don't deserve it throughout my life. That can't be a reason to hide myself away. I have to be strong enough to be willing to put myself in a vulnerable situation. I used to think I could never get over the pain, but that's obviously not true. Now I'm just terrified of it more cuz I know what I'm in for IF that happens. This fear has to be put down cuz I'm becoming vindictive in sustaining my sense of security.

I have no reasons to distrust you, so I slowly find myself warming up to you which is the precursor to vulnerability. So I fabricate reasons to distrust you by punishing you for being honest and distorting the truth to keep my fears alive. These two entities can co-exist within me. I either open myself up or I shut myself down. I can't keep fluctuating between the two. For one thing, I'm going to malfunction. Of course, each force wants to sustain its existence and is powerful. But one has to die and I want it to be my dark side.

I want to be happy. I want to treat him the way he deserves to be treated. My friends appreciate me for being intuitive, insightful, supportive, and inspiration. He likes me. He finds me fun, interesting, caring, smart, kind, good-hearted but he also thinks I'm a bit selfish, bratty, childish, and uncompassionate. These are my old qualities that haven't completely died off, but I've been resurrecting them against him to keep me from getting hurt emotionally. These qualities I've been expressing aren't actually a true reflection of who I am. I hope it's not too late and I have the opportunity to show him who I truly am. He's sensed it and that's why he likes me. I want him to know that side of me.

I'm tired of hurting him. I'm tired of the recycled apologies. If I thought I was going to hurt him again, I would've let this go once and for all. But I can do this!!!

It sounds insane and forced, but desperate measures! Our subconscious thoughts are echoes of our conscious minds, and we don't even know what our subconscious thoughts are until our conscious minds allow them to surface. Sometimes we don't even get any insight, though. If someone's a really amazing person and you have to repeat it, it'll make you question if it's really true. Like why are you trying so hard to be so convincing? But that's a generalized belief. Everything is too personal. Besides I don't want a general perception to keep me from moving forward.

For self-love to grow, I have to feed myself with self-love. It requires a lot of attention and support. I have to be reminded cuz I'm forgetful and my negativity will beat down every positive attributes I include into a space that was once only occupied by malicious thoughts. So I have to constantly give myself flowers and a lot of them cuz many will be sacrificed in the battle. Gives flower power a whole new meaning.....

And it's not just me. If I'm turning someone into an enemy and distort reality so convincingly, I have to use the truth to clear my senses. Why the fuck would I get mad at someone for falling asleep when he's tired cuz I wanted to spend time with him? If he was just a friend, I wouldn't resent him for it. I'd cover him with a blanket and be quiet or move to an insulated spot, so he can rest without distraction. But I interpreted his exhaustion as a rejection cuz if it were true, then I can leave and abandon my fears of facing these things. I wish I wasn't so fucked up in the head.

I hope it's not too late. But more importantly, I'm learning from this. It shouldn't have gotten to this point, but I'm going to turn poison into medicine!

Dear God, Goddess, Creator, Lord, Allah, Universe, I Speak to YOU

I imagine you’re beyond words and description anyways. Please look into my heart and help me put the puzzle pieces together. I’m lost, you see. I don’t know what to do with my life or where to go. Paradox of choice, I suppose. I’ve been floating around for quite some time, and I’m growing unmotivated and discouraged as time passes. I feel burdened and weighed down by an abyss of nothingness, and it’s exhausting.

I believe there are signs everywhere, but not every sign is good. So showing me signs isn’t necessarily helpful. Even exposing me to them if I’m unable to recognize them is equally ineffective. I’m intelligent, observant, and aware. But somehow I keep missing them for whatever reason. So please assist me in both showing me the way, as well as making me recognize them. The useful signs.

I’m asking for this assistance because I want to live a life with purpose where I’m fulfilled professionally. Of course, I have other desires. But right now I need to obtain employment with purpose. I’m sick of landing bullshit jobs that eventually slip away either due to incompatibility I know the universe is partially responsible for sabotaging to make me available to uncover or create what’s best for me.

I can do bartending. I can do crap retail jobs. I can go to school. I can travel. But I want to know which one is best for me. Part of that is defined by how receptive I am to it and making the best out of it, but I know there’s something deeper I’m meant to do than what I’m doing now. I need your help.

I really, really feel like school isn’t the path for me. Maybe it’s my belief that’s manifesting that reality. And without it, it could totally be my light. But I have to follow my intuition. You know when you’re exposed to something negative and you find yourself overwhelmed by it? Well I think of school and it feels like a heavy, torturous waste of time. I don’t have the discipline or desire to be there.

Duh, we all have to do things we don’t want to do. But it’s more than that. This isn’t a childish mentality. This is something deeper inside of me projecting this. Besides if I try to fight it as I’ve always done my entire life, I’ll never move forward. I don’t want to waste any more time in a classroom when it doesn’t work for me.

I feel isolated and out of place from either world. I’m smart but not enough to hang in the real world, being hurled into a job without the training. I’m not able to pick it up on the fly. I’m deceptive like that. I give the impression and appearance that I can, but it hasn’t worked. I’m not saying this to be negative but to be realistic and honest. In a classroom, I’m unmotivated, unexcited, and it actually kills my spark of interest. It does more damage than good. I don’t enjoy bitching about this. I wish I could just make it work in either, choices. But I just know there’s something else I’m missing. Please help me figure that out.

We all have natural talents. And when we find a career harnessing that, we’re happiest. Writing is my natural talent. So something with writing. I love the idea of something altruistic. I need a job that’s going to allow ideas to grow and manifest, but they can’t just be voiced ideas. They’ll have to come to life. I need money! I can’t live off of minimum wage. But without an educational background or proper work experience, anything that barely relates to what I might be interested in which is a desperate perception as it is, leaves little room for proper compensation. PLEASE HELP ME!!!

Purpose Through Employment

While I can't say stagnancy has left my side, the air that's lifted around me and my recent exposure to the stillness has made me particularly sensitive to the transitional elements between both states. I realized that stagnancy is heavy but builds slowly, so you never see it until it's too late. You only know its presence when it's paralyzing and by then your senses have significantly deadened. It's imperative to snap out of it but where do you go? That's how I kept wasting my time. By waiting for something to whisk me away, move the energy around me, or find something that'll allow a shift within me, I was rotting away in the stillness of time.

When we become victim to stagnancy, we search and long to escape it. But that's a poor approach because finding something that exhilarates us takes time. It's without a doubt worth exploring, but sometimes a swift change in environment is what's needed. So putting forth our efforts and energy into a long and tedious task is an error. As my state of mind began to alter, I realized we have to manifest our desires through our emotions, that intensity that stirs in us that stagnancy has made doormat. No matter how much we disconnect to it, we're human. We're emotional by nature. It's just a matter of tapping into that. In our innate humanity exists our desire to soar, tap into that and we're able to lift from our funk.

As I took my first breath of fresh air in a long while, I was immersed in an abstract energy that's still lingering around me. Maybe that's what's protecting me from becoming stagnant again. I've spent more time exploring what I want to do with my life, a tireless task and one that's become more and more mundane which is kinda self-defeating when you think about it. But this time I didn't delve "deeper" the way I normally do. My version of delving deeper is a formulaic approach of analyses that buries me deeper and deeper into facts, while separating me from an untapped passion that at best has simmered. I don't know if I was aware of that before, though.

I've been doing this same dance around job, career, a need for finance to survive in this society, etc etc. I'm tired of seeking jobs, not careers, because it leaves me unsatisfied. It's terrible for my self-esteem. And then I feel weak for so easily feeling inadequate over a job. Why am I that invested in it? But searching for careers is just discouraging as I'm ineligible for so many of them. And I can feel in my core that going to school isn't my path. I'm running out of time. I shouldn't be wasting it sitting in a classroom where I feel stifled and under stimulated. I know I'm missing a link.

I always tell people about how important it is to take the time to find your true passion, no matter how time consuming and discouraging it is. We either put forth the energy towards obtaining a life that we truly want or we wither away, merely existing. If you can't find what you're looking for or it doesn't exist, you have to create it. How is it that I express this powerful message with alarming results of epiphanies in others and it's only now I'm sensing its true power? Even though it came from me. I guess it's true what they say. You never really know your own light. It's hard to know yourself until you step back and take a look from the other side. Only then are you able to get a glimpse of what others see.

Sometimes all I need is a little exposure to open my mind. I realized that I'm going to overcome this stagnancy and protect myself from future attacks by searching for purpose through employment. No more weakening myself over the power of words like jobs and careers. That just leads down an overbearing path. By doing this, I'm open, receptive, and I look forward to this endeavor. It's been a long time since I've felt this way.

I've looked through cruise jobs and a few non-profits including teaching English as a second language. I'm hoping to obtain more knowledge towards non-profits. But I'll need some sort of income. I'd love to work with kids, do something educational, maybe start a community garden, be a youth group leader/coordinator, help build shelter, or counsel people.

Without the educational training or employment experience, compensation will be low. Then again, compensation in these fields are low anyways. Had I have gone to school, that extra cash flow would only be distributed to tuition loans. So I'd essentially have the same amount of play money as I do now based on my experience and background. Money is only prevalent in this society because it's required to sustain a living.

I'll need a roof over my head and hopefully these organizations can offer me that. Then I really won't need a lot of money. Food is of course also a factor. I imagine myself being in a community area where food will be shared by all, and I'll be more than happy to grow and cook for contribution. I really hope I find the resources, existing organizations, and the courage to proceed with this.

The idea of traveling to a foreign country for a long-term project away from friends and the familiar comforts of my life is not only unimaginable but paralyzing. Not paralyzing in a frightening sense but I sense no movement in it. Obviously movement will have to occur in order for this to take place. As much as I pride myself on being independent and exploring opportunities, this makes me hesitant. If someone gave me instructions on exactly how to do this, who to talk to, all the answers were provided for me, and I was told when to depart, I'm more inclined to follow. But as an adult, I'm expected to gather this information on my own. Without it, I'll be unable to proceed.

During which time I can procrastinate. I'm also afraid to let go. I've never really been the relationship girl before. I've also hardly met anyone I've been interested in. Maybe it's because finally I have or because I'm getting older, but if I leave this world to enter a different country, I reset my course of life as I know it. Will I separate myself from a potential mate? Will I be restarting the searching process? Will I become that woman who does great deeds with no love in her life? (I'd rather not fall prey to that Pisces fate). Or is this the path to find love? All these dizzying questions make me want to stay where I am and run into the arms of someone who can keep me warm at night. But that won't bring me PURPOSE THROUGH EMPLOYMENT AND THAT IS WHAT I SEEK!

Sabotage, Go Away!

I’m ashamed of my recent behavior. I spent the past few years improving myself. I allowed some negativity to seep away and welcomed positive acknowledgements of myself. I can say honestly that I believe I’m an attractive woman. Even with a petite figure, I consider myself sexy. I used to view sexiness as a sign of curves, which I believed I lack. I have smaller curves but small is still something and it fits my figure. Once I began recognizing these qualities in myself and embraced them, I began to both notice and attract others who saw it in me as well.

As I’m typing this out, I’m having an epiphany. I’ve made progress on a superficial level. Outer beauty only goes so far. There’s so much more to me than what the eye can see. In the past few years, I did more than see what was already there. I became a better person.

I've become empathetic, receptive, and able to help people. Others gravitate towards me and open up to me about their struggles. I offer them encouragement and support. I’m perceptive and personalize my approach uniquely to each individual. I realize the value of self-growth and change. Already aware of diversity and individuality, I know not to force my hand. I’m a dominant personality and have excellent people skills, so the truth is I can manipulate and coerce people to make rapid progress and improvements. But it isn’t the end result as much as the journey, the discoveries and lessons you learn along the way that truly matter. Keeping these things in mind, I make a positive difference in peoples’ lives.

It also allows me to be intuitively attuned, which is essential for me. It’s as much a benefit for me as it is for my friends. Altruism is also a new facet I’ve developed. Being intuitive has also made me more understanding, patient, and tolerant. Awareness really brings these qualities out of me. Impatience, I’ve discovered, is a result of imbalance. It’s a side effect. We have difficulty accepting that we can’t control everything. Intolerance comes from ignorance, a lack of understanding, limitation in exposure, and inexperience. Intuition allows me to understand things at a deeper level, making me patient and tolerant. The apparent struggles in my friends make me more considerate, thoughtful, and generous. I’m inspired to offer them some sort of comfort.

Please know that I’m not trying to roll out the I’m perfect carpet, but I want to bring some balance into my life. I’m so quick to criticize myself and yet I refrain from acknowledging positive qualities. I’m not being egotistical, conceited, or vain; I’m being open and honest. And this weekend has been a demonstration of how I need to embrace all of my positive qualities.

When you have low self-esteem, you’re more likely to reject love or any kind of affection. I’m now more receptive to the attention and idea of guys being attracted to me, but on an intimate level, I still keep myself at a distance. Any sign (I interpret) as his disinterest and I become unpleasant. I’m consumed with negativity and transparent self-criticism. I don’t verbalize them, not out of consideration for others, but because I can’t bear facing the idea of being rejected for being inadequate. Yet everything has energy. So what I’m not articulating is still being subliminally released.

The more abstract and intangible something is like feelings, the more fragile I become. Instead of being open, receptive, affectionate, comfortable, and genuine, I act in contradiction to what I want to keep me safe. I’m rigid in what I hear and glue myself to negativity, unwilling to release myself from it or face the possibility that people change their minds. There’s a guy I like who’s become more affectionate and I can feel his feelings for me deepening, but I remember him withdrawaling. This is a relationship guy who had me and began pulling away. I’m only left believing that it’s because he’s not interested anymore.

Something he said could’ve been interpreted in two different ways and of course I concluded and closed it off as the negative one. He was less intimate but wanted to spend more time with me. He became more affectionate and more open but then he all of a sudden withdrew. When we talked about it, he said he wanted to see me but didn’t want to hurt me and slow down because we were leading towards a relationship and he didn't want to move too quickly. I revealed to him that I thought he was losing interest in me and he said, “No, quite the opposite.”

One can argue that he’s beginning to like me and is taking things carefully. The opposing argument is that he’s withdrawaling because he doesn’t want to end up in a relationship with me and doesn’t want to hurt me. When I wanted to talk to him and call him, I didn’t. He usually makes the effort, so I thought his distance was a desire of his and I didn’t want to counter that with my presence. He thought that was nuts and said I should’ve called him.

When we were around each other, he was fairly affectionate but not as much as before. I suppose if I reciprocated, we could’ve reached that level again. Of course, I withdrew. People observed us sarcastically as the picture of happiness. I was unhappy and did everything I could to almost retain that feeling. I gave him some oranges and took only what I needed. He told me to leave one for him at my place, so he can eat it. It was a gesture that he was trying to warm me up to, but I ruthlessly rejected that orange. How insane is that?

I was snappy and my attitude infected him. I’m not excusing my behavior, but this is also around the same time a few of my friends were going through a hard time. I think I was channeling some of their emotions. Instead of detaching myself from them as I usually do, I felt too defeated to put in the effort that’s required to do just that. It affected my well-being, and I took it out on someone who didn’t deserve it. Now I feel like I’m back to square one. I don’t want to give him reasons to not want to be with me, despite what my self-sabotaging actions may suggest.

If every time we get close, I do something to make even the idea of spending time with me appealing, I’ll be securing a no relationship guarantee. That’s honestly not what I want. And how I’ve been behaving isn’t who I am. Of course, how am I supposed to convince him of that? He only knows what he sees. And once the damage is done, it’s done.

I criticized and obliterated my existing positive qualities. As I was developing new ones, it didn’t occur to me that I’ll once again destroy them harshly because that habit is imbedded in me. I thought I was so hard on myself before because I believed what my parents told me. I thought once I believed in myself that my behavior would change, but unfortunately that isn’t so.

Fortunately, however, I’m aware. No matter what happens with him, he’s already proven himself as a friend for life. Even if I ruin my chances at a romantic endeavor, I’ll always have what matters most - our friendship. I see girls being brutal to my friends and eventually it wears on them and they go their separate ways. My friends look back at those toxic experiences kind-heartedly saying that she’s a good person, but she’s too insecure and it was too much for me. No matter how awful they were to them, my friends always saw the good in them. I’m not nearly as horrible as them (not that it matters because it isn’t a comparison or competition), but I hope no matter what I do, my goodness will always triumph.

This plea is more about self-empowerment than it is about rejection because this is bigger than some guy. This is about my self-esteem. I need to be more secure in myself and know that I’m worth it. I need to be liberated from my emotional imprisonments. Not just for any guy who’s involved with me but for myself.

To Travel This Stagnant Energy

Today's weather reflects my mood and internal state of mind. It's gloomy but mild. Not at all intense in heat or windy. The air is still and flat. Stagnant such is my state of mind.

I never seem to have both feet standing within the same space but one foot in each side of the water or opposing force, perpetuating this paradoxical state that leaves me unsatisfied. It's difficult to enjoy what I'm immersed in when I'm distracted and unable to focus on what I'm experiencing since it's only a partial experience. I can also feel the echo of wherever else I'm standing in. It's in my nature to never completely jump into something. I dip one foot in and leave the other foot out. It's my comfort zone. If I put both feet in the water, I'm dizzy from the overwhelming change and find myself quickly reverting to my partial immersion.

It's devastating when you feel like you can only manage life when you're pussy footing your way around it. I can either stay where I am, unsatisfied and stagnant. Longing for something more. Or I can withdrawal even further or dive into something and make a splash. These changes require some adjustment and until it takes place, I find myself struggling and drowning. Why does it have to be so difficult before it can become enjoyable? I'm not even sure it can be because frankly I've never lasted long enough before I withdrew entirely.

I don't know if I made a vow in my past life or if I subliminally made a promise to the universe now, but it seems like if I'm not working towards a conducive path, things just seem to fall apart. I'm able to find enough side hustle to make rent, but besides that I can't seem to tether myself to much. I don't understand. This has nothing to do with the economy because I get tons of job offers, but they don't last for a myriad of reasons that really are out of my control - delayed bus, technical error I'm not responsible for, a miscommunication that's later followed by an apology because I wasn't at fault but the damage is done by then, a company falls apart and loses funding, a company decides to relocate, etc etc!!!

My intuition has developed a lot over the years and I can sense when I'm not on the right path. I seem to encounter more errors than anything. So what am I supposed to do? Continue to get rejected and carry that kind of energy around me? Or continue to keep looking since I'm coming across enough freelance gigs to keep me afloat as I continue to become discouraged? No one's optimist 100% of the time, but it's becoming exhausting.

I feel like nothing new is happening where I am. Maybe I need a change. Sometimes the universe attracts a specific type of energy or type of people into my life - artists, musicians, travelers, etc. Lately I've come across a lot of travelers and I've been channeling my friends' thoughts. I've been thinking about Brazil which is crazy because I've never been interested in going there and know almost nothing about it. As it turns out, a good friend of mine is thinking of going there. Great... Can I even trust my own thoughts then? Or are they just echoes of the people around me? Do I really want to travel or am I just accessing their desires and thoughts? I used to consider intuition invasive for others I channel, but now I find it a rude interference against myself. What gives!

I feel so flaky when I complain that things aren't going well and then instead of setting my roots where I am, I begin ranting about traveling. But the world is so huge. It's tragic to stay idle for too long when you aren't feeling fulfilled and there aren't any reasons to stay. I love my friends, but I don't have anyone in my life, no children, no pets, no career, nothing that's tethering me to LA and life has become predictable, mundane, and unexciting. Traveling would be an invigorating, eye-opening, and breathtaking experience. Maybe I shouldn't feel so bad that I appear unattached and embrace my openness to travel.

I just wonder if this is just talk. After all, I have no money and no idea where I want to travel. How will I do it? What will I do once I'm there? Wherever that destiny may be. These are questions I need answered, but maybe they're worth exploring. I'm not the only person that's encountered these barriers. Do I really want to become one of those people who pose these questions, leaving them unanswered as I continue to endlessly float by? Even bad traveling experience will still offer me something new, and that's what I really want.

By the way it bothers me that it takes someone I'm intimate with for these things to be revealed to me. Why can't I have these insights independent of someone else? I'm not trying to chase after him. But I recognize a spark in him that exists within myself. Besides I'd be exploring a different part of the world in a different way anyways. Still though....

I've been thinking of reaching out to my friends who travel and I feel like when I really manifest the desire to explore these choices, I connect with them but only brief. It fizzles down almost as quickly as my vigor to explore the world. I don't understand. I'm independent, curious, and thirst to discover my surrounding. I love to feed myself with knowledge. New experiences invigorate me. I'm social and find myself readily able to connect to new environments better than most (locally though). I don't have attachments that tie me to one place because I've never been very close to my family.

So why am I so resistant about the idea of change? For someone who independent, I was fearful of painting my apartment by myself because I didn't want to fail at it. It's paint! If I make a mistake, I can always paint over it as my friend reminded me. Yet I was terrified to do it on my own. That sounds more dependent than independent. I like change and I don't need to be surrounded by my material possessions. So why am I so scared?

The Reason Those Barriers Exist

We have barriers in our lives. Some are put there by others, while the ones I find most dangerous are the self-imposed barriers, the ones we place ourselves. Sometimes our subconscious does it without our knowledge, so how can we ever battle it out when we aren't aware of it despite our own doing? Every situation is different, but in my case I don't think barriers are meant to keep me away. I believe they're there for me to overcome it since I mistakenly placed them there as a safety precaution triggered by unfounded paranoia and insecurity.

I started a writing workshop and I found myself struggling to produce any material that might go into the book, you know a beginning, middle, and an end, an actual story. Of course, it doesn't have to go in that order. But much like a relationship, I've forgotten how it all began and am only left with the remaining feelings. How can I ever write a compelling story if all I'm able to express are the bad? That's nothing more than bitching.

To make this story readable, understandable, compelling, captivating, it has to be convincing. I have to share readers how it began for me, how I got hooked, an instrumental key to show why I was there and how the unraveling began in my presence. It turns out I haven't moved on like I thought I had. Life just happened, and I got distracted. It's not like I think about that part of my past. I do believe my emotionally attachment is a factor, but more importantly I don't remember the good. So I'll have to pull inspiration from others, and I can do that. I'm just amazed by how quickly the mind can eradicate the good when something toxic enters. Even memories which you'd think can be preserved get obliterated.

Well, when is life ever easy right? Sometimes barriers are meant to be overcome so we can feel accomplished. There's no pleasure in an easy task. We all like to feel worthy and sometimes the more barriers we build, the more desperate we are to overcome it cuz our fears and inadequacies are eating away at us and we want to shut it out for good.....

Embracing the New Chapter in my Life

So lately I've been feeling blue. Things aren't quite going the way I had expected in certain aspects of my life. I envisioned having my own place to be a liberating experience. Instead I get into a car accident, lose a friend, found myself slightly immobile, and I felt trapped in a box that looked like it was attacked by boxes. I didn't dwell on feeling discouraged, which is my first mistake because even when I ignore my feelings it always finds an outlet, another manifestation process. This time it was my immune system under attack. I could feel myself getting weaker and I was tired.

When a really good friend of mine who in all honesty sounded like crap made the time to check up on me in spite of the issues and pain going on in his life, it instantly changed something within me. I'm far from satisfied with my life but ignoring it because I don't want to pout about it doesn't work. If anything when I can't avoid it, it gushes out. The most difficult thing to change and the only thing I can change is my frame of thought. So that's what I've decided to do.

My old landlord is trying to evict me even though I don't live there anymore. It's totally a personal vendetta issue because I'm not there anymore and it costs her more money to take me to court. Just trust me on this. She's lost money because of me, I've exposed her husband as the sleaze he is, and it's fairly well known that he bordered on stalking me. But I haven't been served yet and perhaps it's unwise that I haven't gone to the court house to pick up some unidentified document. If the past is chasing me and I ignore it, it's still there. However, my choices remain that I can either interact with my past or not. I moved out to move forward. That's what I'm going to do.

I'm not doing this to run away but I trust that if this is something I can't escape, it'll eventually find me. All I know is that putting my effort and energy into the past right now has left me ill, and I don't want that. I'm embracing a new chapter in my life! Ever since I decided that last night, I've immediately felt my energy return to me. My appetite has returned and I feel like myself again. Oh and I was approved a day off to get this taken care of and the documents I needed weren't there. Maybe it was just carelessness but I took it as a sign because I felt invigorated and powerful when I discovered this as though the universe was juicing me with this sense that it gave me a gift. :)

The Unexpected Friends Who Remind me of the Value of Friendship, Day 289

This title and "reincarnation" of this entry is so much better than "I Shouldn't Have to Give You Instructions on How to be a Good Friend". I was in a situation where I really needed my friends, and the only three people I could really open up to about these things were unavailable to me. I was filled with resentment, frustration, pain, confusion, disappointment, selfishness, hypocrisy, and such negativity. I'll elaborate on it and I feel like my position was mostly valid, but it's such an unhealthy perspective to carry. Now I feel like I can step back and see the big picture instead of the distortion I was focusing on.

Every action has a consequence. Sometimes that's a good thing. If I had written an entry when I felt abandoned, I believe it would've been written well and it would've been very powerful. But I would've channeled something dark. So it wouldn't have been emotionally healthy. It would've be chaotic and full of hurt. So this is better even if it doesn't have that same raw intensity because there are more important things in life than my writing. This is something I especially want to be conscientious of when things aren't going so great, so that I step back and meditate on what truly matters and what's worth my time.

I've been having premonitions about a guy I liked for about a good year now. Not the entire time but you get the picture. I saw some things I wasn't ready to face. He's someone I usually go to about these things, but I don't want to scare him and it's not something I really want to share with him. He's one of the three people I can open up to and if it came down to it, I believe he'd be there for me. But I didn't test it out. It's not his fault he wasn't there for me. So I don't blame him at all. It was just difficult being alone in all of this.

I have so many friends, and people remind me of that all the time. But there's only three people I feel I could truly talk to about these things and in this particular case it was only two. One friend, I straight up asked him if it could just be the two of us because I really need to talk to him. I was clear that I really needed someone to talk to, and he chose to spend time with his girlfriend. He invited me along, but this wasn't a hang out for me and I believe I was clear about it.

I hate being an exclusivist but eventually I was open with both of them. I'm friends with her, too, but this is really private and intimate to me. She understands how close we are. I told them both that I'd like to only talk with him. She wasn't jealous but absent-mindedly selfish complaining about how she wants to know and doesn't like being excluded. Of course, he chooses to accommodate her over me. That really disappointed me because I would never do that. While I don't want to hurt anyone, I understand how difficult it is to open up. So I'd rather help my friend in need than satisfy someone's desires to be a part of everything. That's just not reality.

I was mostly disappointed in my friend's position because I've never known him to be like that. As for my other friend, she's a good person but I find her to be a lot more selfish around me than around others, so I wasn't too surprised by her reaction. Don't get me wrong. She wasn't trying to hurt me. I know that and I love her, but she was just killing me!

I'm not going to lie. That night I felt like she was enemy territory. She has no idea how selfless, considerate, and overly thoughtful she is of others. I became the person who showed her and assured her it's okay to be selfish and it is. But I feel like I become the friend everyone feels comfortable being selfish around. I'm happy that they're making progress in their emotional self-growth, but I hate feeling like I'm the only one paying the price for it. I get the short end of the stick.

Her friend molested me once and she spent the better portion of the evening constantly alternating between endless apologies and the incessant "Why didn't he molest me?" and "how sad now that I can't be friends with him because I love how we can talk about meditation and spirituality." Really? Are you kidding me? Do you not realize how incredibly inappropriate and selfish that is to bring up at a time like that? And in case you're wondering, she believes me. It's just when she doesn't understand something, she runs around in circles and can be rather oblivious.

I don't blame her at all for that guy's actions, and I know she carries that guilt with her. I wish she would just unburden herself. But I hated how she couldn't just be there for me. And when this happened, she was another road block. I can't understand why she just can't turn her selfishness off for me, her friend, for just a brief amount of time. She tells me straight up that she wants to hang out with just him, so she understands the irreplaceable bond between two people. I may not be his girlfriend but a bond is a bond. She has to know that.

But I fully understand that regardless of her position, he had a choice. And he chose her. I hate thinking in terms like this, though, and I resent him for putting me in this situation. I'm a friend in need. He hangs out with her all the time. I felt like he was being selfish, a crappy friend, neglectful, and in a way saying your pain is a lower priority for me, enough to disregard anyways. On the other hand, though, let's examine me for a moment, shall we?

I'm pissed because my friend won't make time for me. I'm pissed because my friend didn't choose to separate from what's making him unbelievably happy to enter a paralleled world that isn't his own to help someone else when he could be where he wants to be. I'm asking him to strip himself away from happiness. What kind of friend does that make me?

I suppose it doesn't matter because he never made time for me after all.....

I have another friend who I feel I can share just about anything with. Yet we can't always be there for each other. He was going through a lot, too. I don't want to further burden him. I really don't. But paradox is a bitch. As much as I didn't want to bother him, I so desperately wanted to feel better and it ached for me that he was suffering, too. We can both be selfish and stubborn as all Hell, but we have this innate capacity to really be there for each other. We never let the perpetuating negativity consume us and amplify when the two energies merge. We're good for each other. I could've helped him, just like he could've helped me. And it sucked that he went MIA, so that didn't happen.

As much as I'm promoting altruism, it's undeniable the selfish position I stood on. After all if he needs space, that's what he should have. Even if I could help him, sometimes we want what we want. And who am I to really say that me being there for him would've been better than the path he chose?

I'm just really disappointed because I understand the desire to choose your own happiness than help someone else in pain because once you feel theirs, it permeates you. But I always do it for my friends. I have premonitions of what kind of relationship I can have with this guy that I've liked for so long and my friend doesn't know this, but I went to visit him instead of stay and let that relationship grow. I took a plane to make sure he was okay because he was heartbroken instead of build on my own happiness.

I know my friend sensed it because he asked me what I would've done this weekend if I didn't visit him and I told him to not worry. I lied to him and said nothing more important than this. He could see right through the deceit and I can tell his heart was breaking for me and he felt bad because he's a good friend. He apologized and I ignored him. That's what I did for him. And he couldn't even send me an impersonal text? That hurts.

The timing sucked. I felt so alone. I felt even crummier hanging out with my couple friend. Earlier in the day was fun. I made a new friend, but things took a turn as premonitions flooded me. I know my well intentioned friend just wanted to make sure I was okay, and I totally lied to her. What was I supposed to do? Ruin the evening by accusing her of contributing to our other friend being a selfish friend and hash out that jerk who molested me that she's already haunted by? What would that solve? I pretended to be okay, but I was doing a terrible job. She accused me of never being like that, and that really irritated me. I've been like that for months because of the new dynamics of our friendship. She was always just too oblivious and self-involved with everyone else's feelings but mine to realize. So for her to tell me how I am really struck a nerve.

We ended up going to a crystal house which was much needed, a spiritual experience for a spiritual struggle. That's exactly what I needed, and our ride turned out to be someone who was there during the best day of my life! I talked to him the least, but it was so refreshing to see a familiar face associated with a positive time. We totally bonded and it was just great!

It's thanks to him that this blog has a completely different tone. It's still really difficult for me to express gratitude, but I hope he feels it and understands what he's done for me. Just his presence, the opportunity to see him again, and taking us to the crystal house was just incredible. He's so laid back and we began talking about writing and the value of experiences for self-growth. He wants to read my blog and he's exactly the kind of person I want reading this. But I didn't want to give it to him without including this entry because I'm so grateful for what he did for me. Sometimes the most precious thing is priceless, to be there for someone. You were just a ride and a stranger, but thank you so much!

And when we arrived, I had an opportunity to talk with a spiritualist who that night became my friend. I remember I instantly sensed a different presence in her when I first met her. There was a group of people, and I was drawn to her. She gave me some great advice last time and is so talented. I asked to speak with her and she was so receptive.

I actually couldn't bring myself to tell her about what's been going on. I had her read what I wrote about it. She seemed so moved and not in a comforting, I'm there for you because you're in pain sort of way but in a I just hit a nerve and we now have a bond that's just ours sort of way. She puts it down and says in the most genuine way I've ever heard anyone say, "I completely understand." (And by the way that's a script I'm asked to recite to customers when we fail them, so I'm not moved by it very much nowadays). But when she said it, I felt something change in me. She goes through the same thing, but she had a different perspective but it happens to her in a different way. It was truly beautiful.

Thank you so much, both of you guys!