Growth is Painful

Sometimes we desire things that aren't the most conducive, healthiest, or practical for us. It makes the most natural sense to eliminate it or focus on better things and yet separation from our desire, even the thought of it is painful. It makes growth painful. Why is that? Is there a part of us that enjoys or thrives from the pain? It doesn't seem right.

I'm used to emotionally not getting what I want. People think I usually get what I want, which is kinda funny when you think about it. I'm single. I live in a bachelor, a studio minus the kitchen. I have no car, no career, no relationship, and no family. Yet people think I usually get what I want. Those very people seem to not have a clue about what it is that I actually want. What do I want? I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want a life that reflects adulthood - an apartment with a kitchen, maybe a car, and a career. A job that fulfills me. I want to have a boyfriend and not because I feel lonely and am tired of being alone but because I want to enter the next stage in my life. I've exhausted this single scene. I want to connect with someone beyond a platonic level. Too much of one thing for too long gets stagnant, and platonic is what I have too much of for too long.

So the truth is contrary to popular belief, I don't usually get what I want. Most of what I've listed, I don't have. Sadly I still become paralyzed by fear. I'm so terrified of it that I create all the psychological facades to conceal it. Walk tall, head high, smile, talk with my hands, firm voice... People prey on the weak; insecurity, doubt, and vulnerabilities are seen as weak. I don't want to be a target. It's sort of like smile through the bullshit. Maybe it's fake to smile when you're devastated, but I think it's better than moping around. By smiling, I put others at ease rather than being down. I'm also acting out my manifestations. Not to mention studies have shown that the mere act of smiling produces happy chemicals. Do I find that it helps? Honestly? No, but I also can't feel an improvement from doing breathing exercises. It doesn't mean it doesn't benefit my body. So might as well right?

As much as I'm not materialistic, I don't like feeling inadequate and not having a kitchen makes me feel inferior. This is a great demonstration for why comparisons are dangerous and frankly illogical. I make more meals in my kitchenless space than people with full fledged kitchens. I'm resourceful, diligent, and my passion permeates through my restrictions. I should be proud of it, but I just see it as a limitation and setback. Just cuz I can make something work and make the best of it doesn't mean I don't want more or wish I deserved better.

The truth is I don't think I'll like driving, but I wish I could make an informed decision. Not having a car or driver's license is so adolescent. And it reminds me of how denied I was in high school. I was in foster care and transferred to so many schools that I didn't accumulate enough credit for having not stayed at each school long enough. I had to prioritize classes required for graduation. Driver's ed wasn't one of them. I also couldn't even take my test cuz I got fined for riding the bus without paying. I know the rules, but I didn't have money. My social worker was late in sending me my bus pass. It is what it is. It barred me from taking the test. As an adult, no one seems interested in teaching an adult who doesn't know how to drive. They see how clumsy I am on foot and they refuse to teach me. I can't afford driving lessons. They're out of my budget. I'm not trying to make excuses; I'm just explaining. After all there's no excuse for someone nearing her 30's to complain about something teenagers can accomplish. But it doesn't change the fact that although I've gotten used to and generally don't mind public transportation that when I list off what makes me feel deprived, this comes to mind.

I want to evolve and move forward. I don't see that happening. The jobs I obtain are shortlived and are the same type of positions I could've and did obtain in high school. Not having a college education is an undeniable factor, but the truth is plenty of people without credentials can obtain jobs above entry level positions. I have the personality and implied intelligence to gain a higher level position, but I'm unable to retain it. Maybe it was all the drugs I did that's affected my memory, but things I should remember slip away. I try to do what I can to improve my memory. I do memory enhancing exercises, eat healthy foods, and write everything down. It just doesn't seem to be successful. The only thing I haven't been able to do is sleep. I try but I fail at it. I wouldn't be surprised if that's a factor.

As for school, it just didn't work. I mean I'd get life threatneing allergies, sun poison, or severe reaction to medications, etc. If you've endured reading everything so far, I commend you for your resilience. I know I sound like I'm making excuses and I'm helpless. I don't believe that. I'm just explaining the things I feel and my past experiences. I really believe that school wasn't meant for me, and that's why it kept getting sabotaged. Things just kept getting in the way in a severely debilitating way. I took pre-algebra three times and failed three times. I was sent to see if I have a math disorder and apparently I don't. I've tried a series of math tutors, but I can't pass the class. Do you have any idea how ashamed I am to admit this? I'm sure I sound delusion when I say that I'm actually considered highly intelligent. So it's even more depressing. I'm either tripping, in which class I'm stupid. Or I'm telling the truth and I still can't move forward. Either way, it sucks. Now I can't afford to go to school anyways. Nor do I have a desire to.

I'm severely underdeveloped in the relationship department. I was a late bloomer, and I had my first real boyfriend as an adult. I don't think having a "boyfriend" for less than a month in school cuz we're such good friends and should try it out counts. We either just hung out as friends or bordered on avoiding each other cuz we didn't want to be affectionate. Those really don't count. The exact two experiences.

Everyone thought I loved my first boyfriend, but I didn't. Not really. I didn't know how. When people weren't around, I didn't miss them. That's how emotionally detached I was. I hate saying that I didn't know I wasn't into him considering how long I've been with him cuz it makes me such a bitch! And it makes me sound like a liar, but there's truth to it. The feelings that should've been there weren't, but I never felt the feelings that should've been there. Not then at least.

Since then I've developed deep feelings for some guys, but nothing ever really came of those relationships. And I may have at one point thought I wanted a relationship with them, but a part of me always knew why I didn't want that or why it wouldn't work. I'm now nearing my thirties and most of my friends are guys. They're platonic friendships. True story. And I'm not conceited when I say that I'm attractive. Modeling agencies have approached me, but I'm not the intimidating attractive either. I've done party promos and bartended. Guys who initially come around to try and get into my pants spend the entire night pining over their exes and not in the way to score with me. They simultaneously call their gfs while talking to me. My friends have made bets to see how long it takes a guy checking me out to get platonic. I used to go clubbing and encourage bets to make money for fucking crying out loud! I've stayed over at friend's friends places knowing the guy had the intention to sleep with cuz I knew the feelings would defuse. He'd talk about how much he misses his ex, get so depressed, and leave to fuck a booty call... Yeah...so it's really, REALLY difficult for me to develop relationships.

I'm the only female friend guys have when they don't have platonic friendships. Apparently I've taught them the value of opposite sex friendships. I'm glad I can open peoples' mind but my platonic energy is such an overwhelming presence that I feel like it debilitates me in the romantic department. And I'm incredibly picky. I've only liked four guys EVER. I know that's hard to believe, but it's true. And when guys I'm not interested in try to kiss me or get affectionate with me outside of a hug, I can incredibly uncomfortable. I mean it makes me want to vomit uncomfortable. So I go years and years and years without having sex and suffering cuz I don't want to experience flu-like symptoms. It's depressing.

I want to have that deep connection with someone. I was asked what my sex fantasy was not too long ago and I realized I want to have sex with my boyfriend. That's what I want. I haven't even come close. Not only have I not found anyone but no one seems to want to offer that to me. I want to go deeper in the relationship I have with people than the ones I've experienced most of my life. I want a relationship.

I'm not sure where I was going with this entry originally, but I'm deeply rooted in what I can best describe as depression without the emotional flair. It's like a boring, mundane kind of indifference and low energy.

Long Overdue! Day 222

I should be sleeping right now. I should've blogged sooner. I can waste time typing about what I should be doing that I'm not, but it's time I start focusing on what I am doing. It's in my nature to focus on what isn't in front of me even if it means distorting the image I'm looking at by focusing only on minute details that don't allow me to fully realize what I'm looking at.

Work has turned me into a zombie. While I do call upon my work personality, I don't hide my identity in it. However, I work so much that it has consumed me. I haven't dealt or processed with emotions as much as I'd like or is considered healthy. But I have helped my friends out. In a twisted way, their pain keeps me human. Without it, I'd just be an empty shell at this point.

My friends are suffering, and it saddens me. But I have this silent intrigue and excitement stirring inside of me, and hopefully something will come of it. Only time will tell, but all that's been on my side is time. I want something new, change, progress, development.

Lately I've noticed that things I can't do I can do. This is one thing I'd love to be proven wrong. The insecurity and doubts surface, but I look forward to quieting them. I didn't realize until I began typing, but I sort of miss my premonitions. I had one this weekend, and some things changed or slightly altered today, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. My friend says that sometimes when things don't happen, you get a second chance. That's what I want, a second hope, another hope.

Sometimes during the briefest of moments when I'm alone, free of obligations, responsibilities, distractions, considerations of others, compulsions that consume me, I'm moved to tears when I think that I won't get what I want. I'm terrified to express that. I'm tempted to delete this paragraph because even though they're just obscure words to readers, they're associated and come from some of my deepest fears. Once I allow a tear to trickle down my face and slightly burn my skin with the saltiness it leaves behind, I'm able to resume my social nature. Does that mean I am broken or I'm not? I have this fear that expressions like these will be interpreted and perceived in a negative way that'll make people in my life hesitant to get close with me. I hope not.