When I Lose Touch with my Inner Goddess

I'm not a religious person; I'm more spiritual, if anything. I'm inclined to say that I believe in a Higher Being, although I feel less certainty now as I express this than years ago. I can confidently say that I believe there's a power greater than all of us and we're all connected to it. What that is, I couldn't even speculate.

Actually as my fingers keep typing away, I realize that isn't true. This greater power I believe we're all connected to could be a Higher Being. Or maybe it's the collective power innate in all of us that I sense. I believe each of us has the ability to manifest our desires. Some are better at it than others and variations exist just like we are as people. Some are tall, some are short, some are smart, some are sadly stupid, some are weak, some are strong....and so forth. Not everyone can manifest their abilities as easily as others.

I'd like to believe that I'm sensing the collective energy innate in all of us cuz it's an empowering idea. It's within our control to manifest our desires, materialize our dreams, and bring them to life. Even if a Higher Being does exist, I believe that it's still within our powers to achieve what we want out of life and too many of us (myself included) seek out external sources of assistances, rather than relying on our inner strength. This presence of power that exists in each of us is a marvelous thing, so I'm going to refer to it as our inner God or Goddess.

I, by no means, mean no disrespect to anyone who may find offense to my philosophy. I'm not trying to undermine any Higher Being. But since I'm not religious and I don't go to church, this is my equivalent. I hear people talk about how am imbalance is created when they lose touch with God and/or stop going to church, and when they reconnect, they're reminded of this ominous presence that empowers them. Well I don't go to church, but my body is my temple. And when I lose touch with myself, my soul that resides within my physical body that I'm going to refer to as my inner Goddess, a similar sense of imbalance occurs.

My life became stagnant and listless as I became discouraged. And I resisted in continuing to write about the same struggles cuz it was only perpetuating the energy I wanted to transform. But that led to my absence and negligence of this blog. Since I had nothing to write about, why even visit? I contaminated other aspects of my life with this same discouraging mentality.

I'm not quite sure when things shifted for me, and I can't even articulate the change. It's so slight that I'm even vulnerable to a relapse. You know when you're struggling and the pain dominates your life? It's so overwhelming and you can't escape it. As abstract and obscure as it is, people find a way to express it in a detail that's universal and tangible to many others who are going through the same thing or have once felt the same way. Yet when we overcome it, it's a liberating feeling but it's a process that can't quite transfer on paper or in this case the virtual world. I'm not quite sure why that is, but it's a personal, private accomplishment. It's one of the most life changing experiences. People have written books on how to get there, but the actual transition is this invisible force, unwritten and unrecorded. However evident it is when we're transformed by it.

I just want to take this moment and remember what happens when I lose touch with my Inner Goddess, so I'm more conscientious and continue to deepen my connection.

Manifestations on the Rise

I know I've been doormat for a while. But while I was neglecting my blog, life was happening all around me. The uncertainties and ambiguous health concerns as well as some intense emotional experiences left me feeling weak and helpless, but my body has an internal reset button. I hate to feel devastated, so much so that I have an unhealthy habit of suppressing my feelings. I do that because I can't bear the pain. Over the years I've discovered the danger of not dealing with my feelings and since I haven't had much practice coping with them, I feel like I struggle with it more than others. When it gets intolerable, my body just normalizes. I hit rock bottom and it's as if all my tears, pain, and sadness flush out of me and the water rises me to the top. I felt refreshed in some ways.

I'm pursuing modeling. It's something I've always been interested in but never gave attention to cuz either I wasn't very motivated or didn't have the time. Since it seems like every 9-5 job slips away from me and as much as I hate to admit it, so is my memory to the point that I'm having a difficult time even keeping basic jobs that it's a good opportunity to explore this realm. I feel like the universe is rewarding me in this path cuz already I've met five photographers in a matter of two months. I've had two photo shoots and have another one scheduled for tomorrow, one on Saturday, and I have to make appointments with three other photographers. These are all free, too!

Eventually I'll need compensation, of course but I like that I'm not losing money in an attempt to make money. It's an altruistic benefit. I just have to move forward from here once I gather everything I need to do just that. It's a bit frustrating cuz I want to create profiles online and I'm unable to complete the task cuz I'm not understanding how to save photos or upload them properly due to its size, etc. Fortunately pretty much all of the photographers have been exceptionally helpful, so I feel I can ask them for assistance.

So much has happened and I'm not really sure I'm inclined to record it all. It seems like a chore. But basically here goes! I stalked (yes stalked) my former English professor who now lectures at a different college from where I attended. With my health scare, it's made me examine my priorities. I've bounced around from one interest to another - writing, holistic nutrition coach, modeling, etc. While all of these capture my attention, writing has been a life long passion of mine and the only reason I haven't put together an adequate amount of publishable material is well....that's what I'm trying to discover. No actually that's what I'm trying to change.

As I thought more about this, I intuitively realized who I should seek out. Of course I could always email him and I imagine he would've been receptive, but taking the initiative and asking someone for assistance in my writing project is more likely to result in success if I do it in person. I'm so fortunate that he's receptive, enthusiastic, and has agreed to help me. I didn't go into detail but explained to him that I have a health concern I'm dealing with, it's opened up my schedule, money's tight, and I'm unable to attend school. More importantly, I don't think the key to putting so many of my writing visions together is inside of a classroom with assignments that are unrelated to my personal tasks. Since this is someone who pursued teaching English as a profession, he's more than willing to help me.

It's almost funny that I didn't think about this before. It's cuz I've never asked myself what can I do to help produce results, which is odd right? You'd think I'd ask such an obvious question! But sometimes things have to unfold at certain times and in different increments, so I'm going to choose to be grateful for what's happening now instead of concerning myself with the irrelevant past.

A friend has completed a book and is onto a second one. He's always been encouraging and supportive of my writing. He texted me once how do you not have a book yet and sadly cuz I wasn't in the healthiest mindset, I took offense to his comment which as it turned out was meant to be a kind-hearted one. It wasn't at all a judgmental inquiry and more along the lines of you're so talented. I found myself so excited and giddy for him but at the same time, that genuine happiness for him was an external feeling I was releasing and it was leaving my body. It left me feeling empty. I wanted to keep that excitement for myself, but I don't have anything to be excited for. I want to change that. I don't want my friend's success to be a bittersweet experience laced with a tinge of envy. It affects the quality of friendship I can offer for one thing. But I believe all of that has led me in the right direction.

Timing can be so magical. I became even closer with a friend who I've in the past only spent time with briefly, but you can tell there's this bond between us and she didn't hesitate to express it. She shared with me that she has two sisters, but she feels a sisterly connection with me. To this day, that's one of the best compliments I've ever received. So I couldn't be happier to have gotten closer with her. We both bring out the best qualities in each other, too.

A natural flow of events landed me as her Personal Organizer, which has rewarded her energetically and for me, as well. She gave me some money for my efforts, although I wasn't looking for it. Since she doesn't have much money, she's now offering me products. She's a designer. It's amazing how such a seemingly small gesture became an epiphany. A year ago I thought to ask her to help me accessorize but hesitated since I rarely talked to her and didn't want to run the risk of disturbing her, even though she's always been open and inviting. I rationalized during that time that although I love her designs, the jewelry she makes isn't really my style. To think I wasted an entire year not asking for her advice when it was available all this time hidden in her closet!

It made me realize that I still have self-sabotage traps, and I'm so grateful that I have her in my life cuz she's providing me with a safe, encouraging, and supportive environment for me to say and do the things I instinctively hesitate to do such as ask for help. Her genuine nature is an eye-opener. This is more than accessories for me. It's teaching me to trust my intuition and myself. I want to accessorize more cuz I have a difficult time seeing the big picture. I'm excellent at attention to detail, which is analytical and intellectual. But my creative side is underdeveloped and I want to practice it more. I want to find my creative identity.

Much in the same way I hesitated and rationalized, I remember years ago watching Martha Stewart with a guest who reconstructs t-shirts. I was intrigued and yet I rationalized my attention away by telling myself I'm not crafty, it's too much work, and I'm not creative. I don't even give myself a chance! As I was cleaning out my friend's closet, she was showing me shirts she wants to reconstruct and I remember that vague feeling of appeal resurface, but I yet again ignored it! Now I want to explore it.

I may decide to not pursue it, but I want to allow myself a chance to make informed decisions, rather than rejecting ideas before they have a chance to take shape. The truth is I need the money and this could be a way to do it. It doesn't have to be permanent or maybe it can be. I feel like this free time is about exploring. No matter how much effort I put into filling my time with productive agendas according to societal standards, I find myself in the same place I'm at now. Maybe I'm supposed to discover something.

I want to build my portfolio for modeling. I want paid photo shoots. I want my rent to be lowered. I want more income. I want to explore the creative realm and develop my creative identity. I want to build more meaningful relationships. I want my relationship to deepen. I want to learn to be more honest and open about my feelings. I want to feel comfortable taking the initiative to show someone how I truly feel or at the very least not withdrawal by giving mixed signals. I want to find unconventional ways to make money. I feel that I have to take advantage of uncommon ways to profit at this point in my life, so I'm trying to keep my eyes, ears, and intuition peeled for those opportunities. Manifestations on the rise!

The Unproud American

I think I'm growing both tired and ashamed of my own cultural heritage. I never felt connected to my Japanese and Korean roots. But at least when I was growing up, it felt natural and appropriate that I adopted the American culture. I was born here after all. It was a different time, though.

Maybe I was naive and unaware of what was happening when I was younger which I'm certain is partially true, but the world really has changed. I used to describe myself as an American because I'm open-minded, culturally receptive, independent, an advocate of self-empowerment, believe in the chance for opportunities, and a supporter of freedom of expression. I still hold these values, but they no longer represent America. It's a facade if this illusion is conveyed, and frankly no one really bothers to even articulate the deceit anymore. 

I'm not even sure where to begin. So many of my friends are leaving the country because this is no longer the place people travel to for new opportunities like once upon a time. It's the country people leave or get kicked out of and with good reason. This reality is becoming more real to me as I become more aware and unable to ignore them especially with how it's been affecting me personally. The truth is these things effect all of us, but sometimes its impact is indirect or subtle enough to really matter. Not for me. 

Every country has flaws and I doubt the States is the only one guilty of faults. But what should be rare occurrences are becoming a normality that we, as citizens, silently accept because the structure is set up to leave us disadvantaged. We're debilitated from repair and uneducated or restricted to make improvements or changes. I'm referring not only to malicion but the set up, as well. 

Despite the economic downfall, I've been able to find work. But keeping a job is a different story. And yet I'm no longer seen as someone with a retention problem since this outcome is common. I took a career assessment test that measures how much my income would have to be in order to maintain my desired expenses. I kept everything at an all time minimum. I selected a studio apartment, a car since I'm an adult, groceries only to cook at home, and very little indulgences such as internet which is practically a necessity nowadays. I didn't select cable, shopping for clothes and accessories, and other frivolous expenses. And yet my income would have to be crazy high to sustain living in my area that my career choices excluded any best suited for my skills and abilities. Labor intensive positions dominated career choices to fit my financial lifestyle. -_____- I'm a girl that weighs 96 pounds. I can't do labor. 

I live in a bachelor (a studio without a kitchen) and I take public transportation which I don't mind. But it's the same form of travel I used as an adolescent cuz it's the only choice I can afford as an adult. I really don't like that restriction. I can't realistically see myself upgrading based on financial circumstances. 

You know it's a bad sign when unemployment offers more financial stability than actual employment. Many companies only hire part-time employees, which means either I penny pinch like crazy and can't afford anything to go wrong which is unlikely or accumulate debt which I'm grateful I've been able to avoid. But being hired as an employee doesn't mean I have strictly part-time hours, which would make me eligible for unemployment. Not that I want to rely on government funding, but sometimes when I don't have money, I need it... Part-time employees can temporarily be assigned full-time hours. In the state of California after three consecutive weeks of full-time hours, employees must receive benefits. So many companies hire employees as part-time workers and over work us anywhere from 40-90 hours and then drop us to barely 20 hours on the third week. This vicious cycle continues. Many people are also hired as seasonal employees and then re-hired months later. Or to be hired as full-time employees, we have to sign a contract that forfeits our right to benefits. 

It's such exploitation. I'm only able to make ends meet with catering and bartending gigs which don't come around often enough. You'd think not having a higher education plays a role but before you think it's appropriate to criticize me for my limited educational background, it doesn't apply. Many college graduates are in greater debt including doctors who are unable to find work. Many college graduates are denied jobs cuz their crendentials make them over qualified and companies can't afford to pay a higher salary. 

Downgrading or having roommates become inevitable considerations. When you're strapped for cash, what else can you do? In this situation, not much unless I move to a place that doesn't have these barriers... It's only a natural evolution to weigh other possibilities. 

In addition to employment and financial problems attached to it, health insurance is a nightmare. Have you seen the documentary Sicko? A woman who had breast cancer was denied treatment with a technicality of a previous health record which was a yeast infection... -____- Hospitals hire people ways to legally reject medical services as a way to save money at the cost of peoples' lives. Elder hospital residents were shuffled into taxi cabs and out of hospital rooms to make space to admit more patients. Cost of health care is outrageous. It's not only greedy, but our health care system invests methods that kill the very people they're meant to protect. Interesting thing about documentaries is that it's sensationalized to a degree, but these aren't exaggerated and common practice. 

It costs me money to request my medical records. There are certain unnecessary but costly surgeries that are procedurally conducted for profit such as appendix removal. I was fortunate that the surgeon on staff refused to put me in surgery when my inflamed appendix would've legally granted him the right to do so. But with antibiotics and close medical supervision, the inflammation went down without the need of surgery. However in most cases there are many procedures, both surgeries and unnecessary testings that are conducted for profit. There are books revealing which tests are unnecessary for specific symptoms but are conducted none the less to exploit uneducated patients. It's horrible. 

I've been in a lot of pain and unable to schedule appointments with physicians and specialists. It's unfortunately common. A while back I read that funding to produce chemotherapy has been cut back, so doctors are instructed to put patients on chemotherapy at a later stage of cancer despite the fact that it'll decrease the chances of survival. Funding in the medical industry is being reduced cuz it's being allocated to other things. I won't pretend to be aware of what it is. All I know is this circumstance is despicable. 

I watch the news and see murderers like Zimmerman commit crime in cold blood and then deny it and avoid legal consequence as a result of the legal system. Even facing jail time, he's looking at far less years than someone who hacked into private video footage of porn. Of course an invasion of privacy is unacceptable. I'm not discounting that at all, but how come viewership results in a lifetime of prison while murder goes for far less? One woman was fired for saving her employer's life by donating an organ. While I'm at it, the good samaritan law says you give implied consent to someone saving your life when you need CPR and are unconscious. Yet doctors who save peoples' lives but leave them with a broken rib end up in jail! It's unimaginable! It's too many horrible things happening all at the same time. My tolerance is growing thin. 

It's difficult for me to build a life here with my financial limitations. My health isn't valued. And I'm ashamed of my legal system. Finding work is such a challenge. My choices have led me to this life. I don't want to sit here and make excuses cuz it changes nothing. But the fact remains that I'm twenty eight with no career. I'm too busy making ends meet to build on an existing foundation. At best all I can do is maintain what I have. My situation is certainly not the worst and I'm impressively resourceful. But I don't want to maintain this current lifestyle indefinitely. 

As more time passes, I'm beginning to realize that if I want a better future for myself, I really should consider moving out of this country. It's scary to just get up and move. Stability has never been a part of my life, and it's finally began to settle down. To get up and move to a foreign country is like traveling towards a path of uncertainty that I'd create. And yet I'm learning that it can be done. 

I've always been interested in France. As an adult, I forget how much it appealed to me as a child but I've been reminded of it a lot lately cuz a really close friend of mine is French. He says my mentality is very European and encourages me to move there at one point cuz he genuinely believes I'll enjoy it there. But I kept thinking where would I stay? I don't have any friends there and have no money. How will I support myself? It's a foreign language I don't really speak, certainly not enough to get a job out of it. But the truth is in France, you don't get kicked out when you have no means to pay to support yourself. That doesn't mean I want to freeload but that already offers me more of an advantage than my own country. So it's not as risky to move as I once believed it to be. 

I'm far from ready to leave despite my protests. But eventually I want to move. Ideally I want to be ready to move, although that doesn't seem realistic. I'm not the type of person who's able to be "ready" to move to a foreign country where uncertainty dominates. Yet I handle unexpectations surprisingly well. If I'm not going to be ready to move, when do I make the move? The only answer I know for sure  is not now. But time has a way of being perceptually deceptive. It passes us by quietly but also quickly. I've been living in LA for ten years and although I've changed so much since I've moved here, evidence that a lot of time has passed, it hasn't felt like ten years. I don't want another ten years to pass me by while I stay fixed at my current location. I don't want to be stagnant and the world is too huge for me to not allow myself more experiences than my current surrounding. 

You Never Really Know

Life is full of surprises and uncertainties. You never know what's going on in someone's head. Things may not be what you perceive them to be. We all create our own realities and co-exist with one another. Generally there's a seemingly smooth integration between each unique individual's own world that we forget that although there's an interconnectedness between us all that there's also a separation that can't be fused together. This is both a blessing and a curse.

Our thoughts and feelings are sacred, powerful, and very personal. Even the most open person in the world can never truly share their feelings with others because our feelings our connected within ourselves; it's an experience we're feeling because of who we are. Each person experiences happiness, sadness, loneliness, and every other emotion in a unique and individual way. Yes, there's a universal understanding that allows us identify it. But it's still different. It's that disconnection that keeps us from fully knowing the feelings of others. Some people even hide feelings from themselves. I've been guilty of it.

So how can we expect others to have a clue about what we're feeling? It's not always realistic, and all it takes is that one misinterpretation or unawareness of certain feelings, even just one, to distort the truth. Sometimes a variation of the truth is still the truth. Feelings are complicated like that. I think it's important to inventory our feelings and be aware of this.

Uncertain Title via Uncertain Content

I'm not really sure what I want to write about and I doubt there will be a cohesive theme, although that's nothing new. This is free writing after all. I do have a lot of things on my mind and ideas of what I'd like to express. This weekend we had Baby Day at my job!!! It was amazing!

On Friday I spent like four hours on the phone with a really good friend, so I didn't get any sleep. But I had a wonderful time! Sometimes he and I clash cuz he interprets my lack of smiling as anger when I'm not upset or bothered at all. It was enjoyable being able to talk to him without running the risk of offending him cuz I say something that's meant to be funny and it's not interpreted as such.

I ended up missing my massage appointment, though. That was a bittersweet consequence. I rescheduled my alarm clock to go off at the appropriate time but failed to remember that it's only set Monday-Friday. So I wasn't able to make it to my appointment. It was actually absent-mindedness that caused this, but it worked out perfectly! I didn't mean to schedule an appointment on the same day as baby day; it just slipped my mind. I wanted to schedule an appointment because this massage therapist is known to be wonderful and she's offering a $20 off special until the end of the month to fill up her morning appointments. I want to take advantage of this, but I have another week left if I decide I want to go. I came across a modeling opportunity I might be more interested in. I'll weigh the choices before I make my decision.

Baby day was so much fun! there were two babies and one was six months old. She's incredibly friendly! One of my co-workers was taking pictures of everyone. The entire time the baby was super attentive and friendly until the camera's on us. Then I turned into the baby begging for her to pay attention to me. LOL! The minute the camera goes down, she's ready to play. She extends her arms out, wrapping them around my neck, leans forward, and just jumps up and down until the next thing you know, I'm carrying her!

That's the first time I've carried a baby since I was in the fifth grade!!! I was insecure about whether I was holding her correctly or not. I probably wasn't doing it in the best way but she was securely held and in the photo, I look fine the way I'm holding her. I made it into my profile picture. She's so delightful!

There was another baby who was a newborn and wouldn't wake up despite her grandmother's insistence. With enough people telling her to smile in Mandarin made her cry. She wasn't as interesting. I hear babies become more interesting at about four months old.

There was a huge potluck with so much food! It was awesome! I got to bring some home and there's still leftovers at work! I'm covered for lunch today. But I have to figure out what I'll be doing for tmrw cuz I haven't been cooking. I've been meaning to sprout quinoa and make some of that. It'd be easy to accompany that with baked fish. But I really should use the poultry defrosting in my fridge and use up other produce I bought.

Speaking of things I should be doing, I have to clean my kitchen. The bottom shelf is super greasy and I've hesitated to put anything on it as a result. So everything is jam packed wrecklessly and piling over everything. It looks like a safety hassle just to go through it and it's discouraged me from even inventorying what I have. If I don't start inspecting it soon and using it up, it'll all go bad.

Tonight I'm going to happy hour to meet mingle with new people. There's a site where you can join groups and everyone just gathers. Everyone's faces and names are identified and it's located at a public restaurant in an area I'm familiar with. So I feel confident and secure in attending. It'll be fun to meet new people. I believe I'll have a good time.

I was just thinking that I'm going to make today a good day cuz yesterday didn't turn out to be fun the way I expected it to at all! :( This morning the bank teller was rude and she knew it! I'm not happy about this weather, and I really just wanna have a good time! Not shortly after I thought that did I come across this happy hour invite. Yay! I love moments like those!

I won't be attending yoga class and that's unfortunately especially since I finally found an instructor I really like who's teaching tonight, but I'm allowed some flexibility right? I really should practice the plank posture. I finally have the proper technique; I can tell cuz it engages all the right muscles since they're underdeveloped. But my posture becomes quickly compromised when I have to execute an actual movement. So I'd like to find out what kind of arm exercises would best strengthen them.

I have a pull-up bar my neighbor gave me, who by the way I ran into this weekend. He's moving to China. :( I'm going to miss him. I wish we would've developed more of a friendship. I guess I should just be grateful to have met such a genuine person. I'd rather not go into detail. The idea of elaborating reminds me of a chore, and that can't be conducive. Anyways back to my previous train of thought: I haven't used the pull-up bar. I don't have the arm strength and every time I use it, it ends up just hurting my shoulders. But I should start using it to tone my abs by holding the pull-up bar and lifting my legs up. That'd be a great workout! I've thought about it for some time but have procrastinated on doing anything about it.

I really want to keep this job, and my position here is more secure than not. I'm just making sure my actions demonstrate my presence to be a practical resoluion. I won't know of the outcome until mid-April but please send positive energy my way! :) Your efforts are appreciated.

I had to return my library books, which is unfortunate cuz I couldn't finish reading them but I keep thinking of what I read in my astrological assessment. "Having too many interests is as bad as having none." It's true cuz I had six books on me and I didn't read finish reading a single one. Right now I began reading Ayurvedic Cookbook and I'm a lot more drawn to that than any other book I borrowed. So I figure I should focus on that right now.

As for the books I returned, I jotted down each title and how many pages into it I'm at. I'm going to try something new and borrow just one book at a time. I may not always be interested in that one book and I may wish I had another book to fall back on, but so far the over abundance of books haven't been serving that purpose. I don't want a bunch of untapped energy within my space. If I'm really inclined to read something different, I have a generous collection of books at home I can reach for.

All this book talking is making me want to read. It's staring right at me, and I just realized that my phone buzzed a moment ago. Perhaps it's a text. Well goodbye for now!

Envision my Desire

Good morning! I feel much more lively today than I have the past couple of days. It's amazing when I pay attention how much my mood fluctuates because I don't usually inventory them. I'm good at compartamentalizing my feelings and am able to go about my day even if I'm not doing too well. I never really gave my feelings much attention until they start to take over and it becomes unbearable.

I've been enjoying this awawareness practice. I can't imagine doing it daily on a long-term basis, but I like this experience. It shows me how much I'm concealing from myself about me! It really opens up your eyes.

I feel more present in this moment. I'm becoming more receptive to change and comfortable with the idea that things are beyond my control. But I still experience moments of tension especially since as I become more open to it, I feel like changes occur more significantly even in its micro moments. I really want to keep this job. Not only cuz it's convenient and easy but because I finally feel like I can turn it into a productive opportunity. Everything feels like it could fall into place in a natural way I've never experienced before.

There aren't any discordants or inconsistencies I've often been exposed to in the past where I live further away from everything, the bus is being blocked off, my desire to go to work is severely severed, etc. It's easy to get to work. I began attending a yoga class nearby. Grocery shopping isn't out of the way. And I'm in a location that's convenient and conducive to my life and self-growth.

I felt like my job security has been bordering on the edge, but maybe it's not as compromised I fear i is. Either way, I still have my balance and placement. I feel like I'm at the mercy of other candidates, although I haven't been jeopardized much. This morning, however, a woman came in and she was professional, confident, articulate, likeable, and she didn't give off this feeling that appearing professional is a foreign practice. I suspected that her salary requirements may eliminate her as a candidate, and I'm hoping for myself that that's true. A co-worker of mine overheard the exact same thing I suspected. That puts me at ease not just cuz I feel better about my position but since I'm discovering that I can trust my intuition.

I'm going to do more than just say that I want to keep this job. I'm conscientiously telling myself that and matching my energy to reflect this desire. It enhances my alertness. I'll continue to do my job and I always try to be attentive, but I'm now also energetically matching that too cuz you can do something while your energy is being focused on something else. That's when you just go through the motions, and I feel like I might've been doing that here. That's not fair. I need to be more present. I'm much more on top of things, too. :)

There's an air of uncertainty I sense probably cuz the answer hasn't been revealed yet, but I feel like I'm at an advantage. I just have to continue to maintain this ground and deepen my position in this seat. :) I ask for the support and assistance from the universe to help me channel what I know I can do. Thank you!

I Live Life With no Purpose

The original title for this entry was going to be something like "Why I'm Not That Daughter." But that title carries an essence of resentment I don't want to give power to, and although it's my life, there'd be more attention on my dad which I find inappropriate. This isn't about the adolescent rebellion in me trying to indulge cuz I'm embracing what I grew up to believe is unwise. I don't want to be one-sided and perhaps this is unwise. The truth of the matter is this, whatever THIS is is what it is. No amount of defending it and putting energy into trying to make it acceptable for someone who'll never support it is only exhausting me. I'll be much happier and connect with my inner sense if I focus on listening to my inner voice rather than the voices of others who are so contrastingly different from me that they'd never understand.

I had my astrological chart done for my birthday this year, and one thing it revealed was "I live life with no purpose." But it didn't mean that I live my life aimlessly and without fulfillment. In fact, there was a lot of detail on how I'd help others but how I earned my right to earn money in this lifetime cuz I did a lot of charity work in my previous life. That gave me a sense of comfort cuz I've explored the idea of a nonprofit, but the more I learn about myself, the more I realize how beneficial it'd be to society. There's not much focus on my desire. I just have abilities. I don't want to feel guilty for not helping people when I can, but I want to make money cuz I'd like to do things that require money such as traveling. By accepting that truth, I've come across the idea of becoming a Certified Holistic Nutrition Coach which will hopefully be a lucrative opportunity and I know I'll help people, too! :)

I want to live a life where I fulfill a purpose, but I want to be open and receptive to what that purpose is as things in this universe fluctuates which means set goals can limit me. My father's very conventional and traditional. He spams me regularly with emails about the dangers of not saving for my future and the downfall of the economy. He wants me to obtain a secure job in the corporate world where I'll have a 401k and full health benefits even if it means wasting away at a supermarket where I'm union. That's definitely not for me.

The freelance life I have can be frightening for some people, and not too long ago, just the mere idea of it would've driven me into an episode of panic attacks. Of course there are risks and drawbacks. There's not much room for fallbacks. if I get hospitalized, I'm screwed. If my source of income dries up, I don't have savings to bounce back on. These realities are far from appealing, but I realized that I'd much rather live a life that I look forward to actually living, rather than feeling like I'm wasting away by being "smart" because in that state, if I got sick, I probably wouldn't care. I want to live the kind of life where if my health is jeopardized, I'd be sad about it. Not indifferent cuz life isn't so great to begin with.

Certified Holistic Nutrition Coach???

Fluctuate freely. A friend of mine sent those words to me recently in an email and it filled me with a sense of warm comfort and quiet relief. He isn't one of those people who don't have goals in life or a career path, either. He's just receptive to change and what the universe offers as it comes along, unpredictably, fluctuatingly, and everything in between. I need to remind myself of this cuz a small part of me is hesitating to get excited about this since I have a habit of becoming a hostage to inspiration only to release myself, unmoved not long after.

I have a long list of great ideas that others could truly manifest and maybe if I were a Type A personality I'd be able to do it, but I don't have the drive. I'm selective in what I want and do put my energy into. I gravitate towards writing, food, nutrition, and holistic health. A Certified Holistic Nutrition Coach can be the answer I'm looking for.

It fits my interest and timeline. I can be a stellar student, but I tend to start strong. I do best in short-term consolidated classes where people burn out, rather than a lengthier schedule. Plus tuition is expensive. The longer I'm in class, the more it's costing me. Not to mention that that's time I'm not earning money, and I still have expenses.

And the unfortunate truth of the matter is I'm terrible at math in a debilitating sort of way, educationally speaking. Don't get me wrong; I can do basic calculations in my head or by hand. But I can't even pass a stupid pre-algebra class. We're talking pre-requisites! The only reason why I graduated middle school is cuz I was advanced into geometry and trigonometry which I excelled in. I know that sounds cooky but my principal clarified it for me. Algebra is technically easier, but it's also more abstract whereas the more advanced math is more formulaic. That made it easier for me to understand. However in college you have to pass the pre-requisites which I haven't been able to do. I've been referred by multiple math professors to get tested if I have a math disorder. I don't.... But there's some question about why I'm not performing well cuz I demonstrate comprehension by explaining it back. Regardless of the uncovered mystery that's causing this, I no longer want this to be a reason why I can't find a career.

I have a friend who's intuition I've learned to trust and he's told me on a number of occasions that I should do something with nutrition and holistic health. It's not that I disagreed with him, but educationally it didn't seem feasible until now. I have other career ambitions that relate to this and can potentially expand further! I'm no longer considered with the end result cuz that's undetermined. I don't want the unknown future to discourage me off this path.

I Have to Find MY Shoe Size

The more I try to fit into a world I don't belong in, the more I'll be lost and unsettled. I may not look forward to the seemingly endless search and what a relief it'd be to have found the end, but no amount of desire will make something into something it isn't. Substitutions don't work. I don't belong here. And I want to belong. So I have to find a place where I will...Sigh

The Practice of Being Receptive

Isn't it amazing how a mere observation can transform into a series of interconnectedness or a spiraling effect of ideas? I can't even remember what triggered this an abstract epiphany for me last night,but I became incredibly perceptive to the energy around me. With the full moon, my senses are heightened or at least I believe that's what it was.

Interestly enough, I've always been mildly curious about how the moon cycle effects people. I've wanted to buy a planner that monitors the moon phases for a couple years already, but I never got around to it. A friend of mine is really attuned with the full moon. Since I've become more emotional and intuitive, I find myself having more intense experiences on some days. I've never monitored it in conjunction the moon, but I wouldn't be surprised if a correlation exists. I think I'll start recording my emotional state of mind without observing the moon. Then I'll go back and check how they align. I had an ex who observed that my leg cramps were always worse during the full moon.

As I was taking in the energy around me, I began realizing how quickly things change. If I'm going to be receptive to myself and the universe, it's not alway wise to adhere to a rigid schedule cuz things change constantly. It's okay to not pursue something planned if it no longer suits me for whatever reason. I don't think that mentality should be abused as a way to avoid responsibility, but if it's small leisurely stuff, that's different. I was so close to going to a book swapping party last night. I mean I was minutes away when I just lost the desire to go. I was experiencing a pang of inner conflict. The old me wanted to continue going cuz I gathered all the books I wanted to swap and it would've been such a wasted trip. But I really wasn't feeling it. The last thing I wanted to do was force myself into be social when the idea of following through with this overwhelmed me so much, it was almost paralyzing. So I went home and I have no regrets. It actually felt liberating.

The truth is that I spend more time fulfilling tasks simply cuz I wrote them down on my to-do list, rather than paying attention to what I really want. I've gotten used to and even numb to that grueling feeling that it's become another regularly occurring feeling. My perception has become distorted. By not realizing that this feeling is a negative one, I proceed with my plans. All the while failing to see the truth. And I'm finally beginning to open my eyes.

This may not seem like a big deal, but for me it's huge! I still continue to fill my journal with to-do lists. But since I'm beginning to realize the value of just going with the flow, I imagine I'll save a lot more paper and focus on the things that really matter. Plus I won't be overwhelmed with a feeling of guilt and inadequacy for not finishing everything on my list. I won't hesitate in writing down what I'm interested in cuz I might change my mind and I want to avoid the feeling of guilt. Then end up kicking myself cuz I totally forgot that's what I wanted to do when I was in the neighborhood and stuff like that. RIGHT NOW I'm thinking it'd be nice to go to the mall. Two hours later, I may change my mind. I'm staying open. :)

The Halfway Point

I've been considering moving for quite some time and if anyone's been keeping up with my blog, it's not new information. But I've started thinking about it more recently. So much so that today I began browsing craigslist. I'm still uncertain if this job will turn into a permanent one, but part of being intuitive is developing confidence in myself because imbalance distorts perception. For someone of over confidence, perhaps humility is required. In my case, however, it's quite the opposite.

Time will reveal the outcome. No amount of contemplating will advance the answer to me any quicker. (My how much I've grown. LOL) Anyways I'm going through the typical series of considerations, but this time I'm not narrowing my choices or blind to what my choices are. Despite the many jobs I've had, this is the first one that's closeby to where I live and easy to commute to. People live nearby where they live all the time, but I've never experienced this before.

I really enjoy the convenience. People used to be appalled by how far away I was from everything - friends, work, school, home, etc. I just thought it was my life. Now I like to call it standards. :) So nearby commute is a priority. By enjoying the benefit of it, I won't feel so depressed or imprisoned to a higher rental fee. I used to get briefly jealous that others always seem to find better deals than me. That pang of envy didn't last long since my life hurricaned one disaster after another.

My chaotic life forced me to not be petty. Now that I have time to feel how I feel, I'm not wasting it on asinine feelings and directly them outwards. I'm really taking the time to focus on what matters to me cuz the truth is no matter what decisions I make, there's going to be some sort of challenge somewhere whether it be exchanging a long commute for cheaper rent or higher rental fees for a closeby area. With that mentality expressed, I want to be open and receptive to cheap rent nearby. :)

Finding a place with utilities included would be wonderful cuz I've gotten used to not budgeting, which I could get away with cuz my expenses are pre-fixed. When I have to pay something, I pay well in advance so I don't have to deal with a bill monthly. I only charge on my credit card what I know I have money for. I withdrawal the smallest amount of $ I possibly need for food and only access that for food. I do the same with credit cards. Having a bank nearby is a super convenience! Gotta factor that into my moving, too.

I want to move even though I love my space cuz I don't want to become stagnant, and I can feel myself drowning in it. Part of it has to do with my habits, but it's also cuz I don't value my space. Whether my space is clean or cluttered, it feels the same to me cuz it's lacking that flowing energy. Even when I practice feng shui cuz I'm no longer stimulated and excited by it. I need something new.

It was a great experience to learn to cook huge meals without a kitchen and let go of a lot of my material possessions. It's quite liberating actually and I never thought I'd enjoy being a minimalist cuz the excessiveness of my life comforted me. It shielded me from the chaoticness of my life but what we give off is what we take in. Now I surround myself with less things and I'm lighter, so I attract lighter energy. That's a valuable lesson I couldn't have learned without living here, I believe.

But now it's time for a kitchen. A balcony to grow plants would be nice, too. Sometimes I get premonitions. That's when I see into the future clearly with quite a bit of detail. It doesn't always come true, but it's more solid than a mere thought which can be my free mind accessing intuitive possibility which may sound like the same thing but it's not. However, I can manifest it. Finding a balcony with my budget close to work seems unlikely, but I found something promising on craigslist already. If I continue to manifest my desires, I believe more doors will open up.

So let's review. An apartment with a kitchen for sure! Easy access to work. Preferably a balcony for plant life and utilities included. Washer and dryer must be on site. I'd like a space with hardwood floors or else I may just pull the carpet out. But what if it's damaged with holes? Can any amount of glossy finish fix nicks? Now that I've visited the parania realm, I'm returning to my happy place where I focus my energy manifesting positive desires.

Where I live now, you can hear everything. Walking around makes audible noise. I have no desire to go through the trouble of installing a TV, but at my new place, it'd be nice if it's a possibility. I don't plan on buying cable or anything. However, I'd love to be able to turn on workout DVDs. I'd appreciate that greatly cuz I want this space to be healthy - healthy holistically, nutritiously, emotionally, physically, spiritually, decoratively, artistically, mentally, internally, musically, and socially. Wow, I covered a lot there and I really should give them attention.

I'm going to let the thoughts marinade and return to them tomorrow. I'm beginning to realize the value of processing things subconsciously, rather than surfacing them analytically before they've had time to blossom and fully develop. Shuss for now!

Sometimes Things Just Flow

The evening started off not like planned. I didn't get picked up from work by my friend, and everyone arrived much later than expected. I also had a few who didn't make it. But the presence of those who visited made my birthday a wonderful experience. I'm at a place in my life where meaningful experiences, genuine friendships, and spiritual connections have deeper meaning and greater priority than PARTY! So it felt more like a good hang out than a birthday get together which is exactly what I wanted cuz it made things so natural. It also worked out well cuz I was planning to only serve finger food which wouldn't have satiated our appetites. Sometimes things don't work out and creates an opportunities that are more conducive to the environment that what was initially planned.

Toxic Parents

We'll try this again cuz I wrote a couple of good paragraphs but the page blanked out. WTF???? LOL

It began a little something like this... Happy Valentine's day! I know, I know my title sounds inappropriate for Valentine's day. But let's be honest - life is hardly appropriate! Besides this blog is my sanctuary where I get to express my thoughts. I refuse to re-organize my feelings differently based on a Holiday I had no part in inventing. (This introductory paragraph is fairly accurate to my first one with the exception of this sentence).

I don't loathe Valentine's day despite the fact that I'm usually single this time of year or most of the time in general. Maybe I'm just too self-involved to notice the flashing tacky pink and red decor. I'm not saying that I don't feel alone, lonely, or inadequate as a result of my relationship status sometimes. But that's unrelated to V-day. I have off days, but they're rooted from internal issues. Not some external Holiday I barely even notice. Today began sweetly and I gained more insights as time progressed.

This morning I got a phone call from a friend of mine who wished me Happy Valentine's day. It was sweet. No one's ever done that for me before. Granted he was part zombie, it's the gesture that counts. Actually the fact that he was half asleep makes it almost sweeter cuz he certainly didn't have to wake up early to wish me Happy Valentine's day.

I also came across this fb status my friend posted: "Happy Valentine's Day! Nothing is better than the feeling of love. Although I'm single and all that jazz, I see this a sa nice time to reflect on all the other love in my life; you know, the non romantic kind. Spiritual, aesthetic, natural, family, friendly, and self love." What a beautiful thing to read first thing in the morning. It creates a positive perspective to carry throughout the day.

Another friend of mine posted a reminder that love should be celebrated all year long year. Today is just another day. Happy Tuesday!" When I read statuses like these, I'm grateful for the friends and people who have entered my life. What a beautiful truth to express and remind us all of.

I believe love should be celelebrated all year long, but that doesn't mean we do. So I do like the idea of a Holiday that gives attention to love where we can reflect on it. It gives us perspective. But with that said, the exclusivity of the Holiday can be hurtful to some. I bet companies that are looking to profit might actually find it to be more lucrative if they expanded the concept of love but whatever. Self-love and appreciation for all forms of love in our surrounding shouldn't be outsourced from an American company anyways.

On the bus I heard a woman on the phone talking about the relationship she has with her mom. I could relate aside from Jesus Christ, but I digress. She said that her mom always puts her down and makes her feel bad. She said she still cares and loves her mom but refuses to put herself in a hurtful situation over and over again cuz it's not fair to herself. People think it's so fucked up to isolate ourselves from our family cuz we shared the same blood, but we quickly and confidently eliminate haters from our lives when they aren't relatives. Pain and hurtfulness doesn't discriminate.

You know what that conversation left me feeling? Self-love is most important. The caller said her experience with her mother has taught her to not place her love in a man or any other human but in God cuz everyone else will hurt her; they don't mean to but it happens. I believe in a Higher being, but I think it's best to place love in ourselves cuz God is still an external source. How many people have you seen abandon the idea of God when things got difficult? Whether you believe in God or not, you can continue with your life and quite possibly fairly uninterrupted. But it's different cuz we can't escape ourselves. I'm not saying that God is any less important; I just think self-empowerment should be practiced is all.

Don't Go Against Your Process

This is a fairly new concept I'm embracing, but I'm proud that I recognize it. It's come at such a wonderful time, too. A good friend of mine is struggling with achieving something cuz he's attempting to take an analytical approach when he's a creative soul. I see him battling internal conflicts the way I have where he criticizes himself and says that he needs to be productive. If he's going to do something, it should be to build his business rather than something small and creative like getting an easel to paint, draw, or some form of creative pursuit.

He's so busy trying to be productive, analytical, and logical that he's failing to realize the way I have for so many years that being logical isn't always practical. I hate that so many of us begin to doubt ourselves and worry we don't have what it takes cuz there's no progress occurring. No progress is occurring cuz we're using a method that doesn't work for us. It's not us; it's the method! And it's evident cuz this isn't an isolated incident, but that's not something we'd know since we're too busy looking at our own perceived inadequacies and failures. I hope he'll realize, truly realize the error in his thoughts and embrace his creative identity. There's nothing wrong with it.

I struggle with the opposite challenge. There's a creative blockage on my end. I'm unable to begin a project cuz I don't know where it'll lead, but I'll only reach my destination by beginning and seeing where it takes me. We don't always have a map. Sometimes we create it along the way. I spent so much time looking at art journal inspiration that I didn't know how to get started on my own. I'm only now beginning to realize how disconnected I am cuz I've both neglected and rejected creativity. The last thing I want to see in this world is creativity dying in a sufoccating world of "logic". Without creativity, logic will also bury itself.

My Anxiety over Crafts

I was sharing with a friend recently that I have an anxiety disorder. I think it's the first time ever that I've admitted that to anyone. I've mentioned in passing before that I've experienced panic attacks but never have I fully addressed the source of my anxiety or acknowledged its existence beore. I doubt it's much of a surprise for people who know me cuz I have the personality type, but I've learned to become kick back over the years.

It's weird. Anxiety disorders are overwhelming, burdensome, a huge deal, and yet it isn't cuz it becomes a part of you and your body learns to somehow adapt to it like it's ordinary. It isn't until you have episodes are you really reminded of its severity and impact. But even then personally I find myself proceeding with my life cuz I don't want to stop and think about it. I feel like I've never really had the proper calibration of intensity and seriousness to ever discuss it. If I say it nonchalantly, do I sound disingenuous? I certainly don't want to be serious and solemn about it, either. I'm clearly over thinking it.

Just bringing the subject to the surface has made me a little more aware of my emotional stressors. Even small things can trigger me but never to the degree anymore (thankfully) that I rant about it on fb. It just passes through me. I've come a long way. I can't even recall what briefly affected me, but I remember knowing that my intensity in reacion wasn't proportionate to the event itself. I tend to forget these things cuz I no longer carry it within me, but the fact that it still impacts me the way it does reveals that I still need to work on trainin myself to "match" the circumstance so to speak. I can't deny who I am, but part of the reason why I stress so easily is due to habit. Seriously.

Anywas I told myself last night that I'd work on craft projects, but I didn't get a chance to. There's a paper shredder at work I planned on using, so this morning I gathered all my craft paper together. I was surprised by how overwhelmed I became. I feel like it's inaccurate to describe it as anxiety, stress, or panic. But whatever I was feeling is an offspring or a relative of those feelings. Not quite overwhelmed, burdened, confused, and paralyzed but within those proximity.

I came across a coloring book I remember purchasing after examining all six coloring books at the art store for many hours. I was hesitant and intensely contemplative about which one to buy. I finally decided to get one that was abstract but included color photos of each drawing. I needed a cheat sheet. That put me at ease and I needed that "support" to proceed. This is a decision a child could make easily and quickly, but I struggled with it.

As I was sifting through the array of scrapbook paper, my creativity didn't ignite. I didn't see artistic collaborations forming and visualizing in my mind. Rather rejections of color clashes and inadequate color combinations filled my mind. I was over thinking and analyzing everything. Last night I remember thinking that obver analysis murders intuition. I believe that creativity and intuition come from the same source, so it's understandable that I was creating a blockage in creative energy this way.

After researching possible layouts for a notepad project, I believe I came up with one. We'll see how it works out. :)

To Feel is to be Human

I can't help but feel like I've already used that title before. If I have, I'm certain I was in a different state of mind. I was probably opening myself up to this reality as I was attempting to embrace it, but now feelings has become a part of me. And not in the way a resistant person buckles under the burden of it but in a way a child opens its arms to a world of possibilities. So much has changed. Of course, I have moments when I retreat. But my goal is to be open and receptive.

As I read through Barbara Sher's Live the Life you Love book, I find myself wanting to take a moment to really reflect on the section about Understanding Your Feelings. I came across this quote and am amazed by its accuracy. How did I not know this before? Had I have come across this information during my period of emotional estrangement, would I have become emotionally connected? Would it have opened my eyes to the world I was shadowing myself from? Would I have been able to understand it? I guess I'll never know.

"By starving emotions we become humorless, rigid, and stereotyped; by repressing them we become literal, reformatory and holier-than-thou; encouraged, they perfume life; discouraged, they poison it."

What a beautifully expressed reality! I've gone through every series listed here and am astounded by how true it is! Another point that really resonated in me is the section that explains how feelings make us intuitive. "When you know what you feel, you know what others are feeling, too. You don't have to be psychic, just in touch with your own feelings. Animals and babies react instinctively to the feelings of others, because they're emotionally wide open. When you're in touch with your own feelings you also have a sense of what's going on behind people's facades." All of this is true.

What an anomaly we humans are! Feelings are a part of us, and we shouldn't reject them. I feel like so many of us limit our own understanding of how we feel as a result of shortsighted and incomplete thoughts. We all do it. I recognize it in myself as I read the above statement. I would've never known that being emotionally connected would make me aware, receptive, and observant of the feelings of others. I used to think that was limited to the clairvoyant. But the truth is the more familiar we are with something, the better we understand it. Feelings are no exception. Quite the opposite.

I have nothing further to add at this moment, but I feel like this entry is incomplete. Just felt like sharing. FELT! See what I did there? LOL

I'm a Scanner...?

I'm not really sure where to begin. I've been struggling with finding a career for myself for a myriad of reasons. Challenges keep building the way life often does, but it's happened to the degree that I feel like the universe sabotages paths that aren't meant for me. I haven't been very receptive in school, even though I possess the traditional qualities that would make me an ideal candidate. I'm intelligent, ambitious, passionate, curious, and love to learn. But I haven't found a field that satisfies my desires.

I'm not willing to commit and put the amount of effort into a field I'm only half-hearted about. I find myself quickly losing interest and focus on a subject that was at one point alluring and appealing. I sound like once actual work and focus became required that I quickly retracted. It's made me feel inadequate and frustrated, but mostly I avoided addressing these insecurities that have been building in me for years. I'm curious about learning about all sorts of things. I begin projects until I'm intellectually satisfied and then I proceed onto another subject. It's a great way to become a walking encyclopedia, which what many of my friends describe me as. And yet my job experience reflects an absence of promotions or direction.

I've spent so much time feeling poorly about myself but without even giving those feelings attention that it's taken me years to dispute them. I may lose interest in pursuing something professionally, but it isn't because I'm against hard work. I put a lot of effort, energy, and time into things. But when it comes to jobs, I stick to the basics.

Over time I've realized that my field of interests if I were to narrow it down to a single field is actually dynamic and versatile. I'm passionate about food, cooking, container garden, holistic health, and nutrition. I want to find ways to incorporate them within each other. I'm not sure how to get it all started when a friend of mine posted on facebook details of a scanner. Scanners are people who scan a variety of interests and passion, never satisfied with settling on one subject. That's me! I think.....

My friend is undeniably a scanner. You can talk to her once and identify her with all the characteristics of a scanner. I, on the other hand, have learned to suppress and control my scanning tendencies. I hear multiple conversations and have a million thoughts running through my head when I'm talking to a friend, but I'm focused on the task at hand. I have difficulty doing multiple things at once outside of my element, and yet my tendency is to multi-task.

I find that I fill my mind with ideas and projects I want to do only to never complete them because I get distracted by other projects I want to pursue. It sounds ADD, but I know I'm not because when I have to focus, I can and I do. Of course, people with ADD have also demonstrated the same. But with me ever since I've embraced what satisfies me, I'm no longer forcing a disciplined incentive to complete a task simply for the act. When I do this, I'm not enjoying it. So now I scatter around whatever I desire. I'm happier, but it results in very little completion and productivity.

Now I'm excited to learn about scanners and an author named Barbara Sher who explains it in depth. I'm going to pick up her book in hopes to find some sort of direction. What she seems to describe and convey in concrete detail is what I've been conceptually trying to formulate. I believe that if there's something we want that we have to put in the time and effort to obtain it. If it's a career, it could be discouraging, it could take years, but if you want it, you have to look for it. If it doesn't exist, then you have to create it.

I truly believe that. But I've been racking my mind on exactly how I'm supposed to go about that because I feel like I've explored all the other popular, mainstream, and accessible avenues without success. I kept having this feeling that my path isn't readily available, and yet I don't want to give up. So I invest my time testing out methods and opportunities I can feel won't work out just so I know I'm at least trying. This book can hopefully offer me some insights and guidance becuase this floatlessness is becoming frustrating.

Work Health

Unless you're wealthy, financially dependent on someone else, or one of the rare individuals who find ways to sustain a living independent of making an income, work is a requirement for most adults. And unfortunately most of us are unhappy about where we work, who we work for, our co-workers, the mistreatment, how much we get paid, etc. Being unsatisfied in the workplace is such a normality, and yet complaints are viewed as if they have no place in an environment where many people are miserable. Why is that? Listening to complaints can become intolerable, but for people to act like it's inappropriate confuses me. People complaining about complaint worthy topics is logical and a human reaction.

Yet because unpleasant work places are the normality, complaints can be shocking. People consider it to be too ordinary to complain about. Unless it's shocking or unbelievable in some way, complaints are seen as forms of ingratitude. While that's always a possibility, what I dislike is how dismissive many of us are to unfair and unhappy work environments. Obviously we can't just resign because there's something we don't like, but too much of us fail to realize what an impact work has on our emotional well-being. And that jeopardizes our health and that can effect us physically, too.

Keep in mind that most of us work 8 hour day shifts. That's 40 hours a week. Some people are too exhausted and go to sleep when they get home. Activities are limited to requirements such as eating and running errands. Some people spend their remaining time complaining about how horrible work was, so time is still being stolen even during after hours because of work. Of course if we choose to spend time complaining about it, that's on us. Whether we choose to occupy our time in that way or not doesn't change the fact that some people are tempted to do just that. For parents, work might be the only place where they get to be themselves. They talk to their co-workers, have lunch, and it's their world. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have jobs they absolutely love, but it certainly shouldn't be a source of stress so extreme that it harms your health.

I've been exposed to unbelievable work environments and experiences. I've been working since I was twelve. I worked as a maid for a crack motel. I was picking up stray needles, witnessing attacks on some days gave me insight on what time it was, and trashy and shady activities were expected. It was alarming when it wasn't going on. I worked at a Walgreens where I've had a gun pointed at my head, cops arrived after a fight broke out between a customer and me after she tipped the ladder I was on, I've been attacked and rescued by the pharmacist who also happened to be a bounty hunter. I was sixteen working for a foster care agency where a baby was thrown on my lap. I was so traumatized by that, even more so than the other experiences I've listed. I've dealt with emotionally-challenged individuals where part of my responsibilities included managing and maintaining a civil environment if I were to ever get my work done. When someone was unhappy about a five minute tardiness, the cops would be summoned. Food products contained ingredients that could be harmful for diabetics and were scheduled to be on the market at Whole Foods under false pretenses. Money was being mishandled. Employees were being exploited. Even mainstream businesses worked in harmful environments at call centers where emloyees were coughing so severely that broken ribs were taking place and yet not going to work or being late by as little as a minute three times led to termination. I've worked in the food business. I've done catering, bartending, and party promos. So being hit on, violent circumstances, and hostile customers occurred regularly enough that it was no longer shocking for me. All true stories.

Of course, I've never worked at sweat shops and been paid less than a dollar an hour. There are always worse circumstances. But my point is that I've had insanely intolerable experiences, and yet people found my complaints to be unfounded because others put up with it. How I handled these work conditions were dependent largely on my perception and emotional state.

I worked at a call center where I'd clock in later than I was scheduled for because my computer wouldn't boot up properly. I was advised to arrive to work 15-20 minutes before my assigned time. I was uncooperative and refused to make such a compromise. It's unfair to expect me to arrive to work early when I'm not being paid for it due to the company's fault. So instead I complained, complained, complained. I let the IT department know every morning that I couldn't get my computer up long before I even got to my desk. I vocalized this to several managers and senior accounts to make terminating my employment into a discouraging course of action despite their policy.

My main objection wasn't the arrival time but the principal behind it. I was difficult from the beginning and although my position warranted some validity, the extent I took to at that time wasn't. Over time, though, it became evident that this company did deserve some expression of disapproval. The ceiling above my desk was so dirty that people were coughing like crazy. One of my co-workers had a chronic cough so severe that he couldn't sleep lying down. Others had to have surgery for their carpal tunnel. The company had no ethics and we were employed to lie to customers about matters we knew wouldn't be resolved. So we essentially were getting paid to be mistreated on both sides and experienced injuries as a result of it. Our job security became compromised when someone declines to pay for a co-workers birthday when we've never even met the person if this co-worker was well liked by a supervisor.

Although these things aren't fair, it's also very common. So many people tolerate it. I believe in the power of manifestation, and I'm actually really good at it. I believe everything has energy and when I really want something, I get it. However the instant gratifications aren't nearly as rewarding as waiting for something more valuable based on a set of high standards.

I've been trying to manifest a job that suits my needs and desires better. I refer to it as employment with purpose. Over time each job I've held has less and less of the drama. I'm not be reprimanded for wearing an outfit considered to be too revealing (a long skirt with a slit slightly above my knee) by a supervisor who's dress was so low that when she was talking to me I could see the color of her nipples... I don't have a manager who squeezes in between me and my co-worker because we're talking with disruptions from her like she's my best friend in a baby voice only to be told that I need to return to work when she knows I just started my lunch break.

Sometimes I could sense that if I developed a relationship outside of a professional one with my supervisors that my job would be secure, but I find myself unable to fabricate such bonds. If anything it strengthens my professional personality. I believe that if I do my job well and I'm not disruptive, my job should be secure. When I'm able to connect with my co-workers and supervisors on a personal level it's because I can sense the fairness they possess.

This current assignment I'm on surrounds me with people who are professional and mature. They aren't monitoring my performance, so they can scrutinize it. They're focused on themselves and prioritize fairly. I don't have to worry that small talk with a co-worker will lead to a manager accusing me of being selfish for occupying someone's time when I was the one being approached. There's none of that bullshit.

It's a temp to hire position. I'm assigned here until April. If they're happy with my performance, I'll be asked to stay indefinitely. I do my job well, but I'm not spectacular at it. As a reception I do exactly what I'm asked and demonstrate intelligence and observation when necessary. But I'm certainly not being talked about because my phone voice is out of this world. I don't know if I'm being too critical or not, but maybe I won't be asked to stay beyond tax season. I do believe it's possible. I can do my job well and I don't cost an arm and leg to employ. However they don't seem to need anyone outside of the busy season. I guess time will reveal my place here.

Working in this environment has made me realize how conditioned I've become to a toxic mentality. If I staple papers too soon and all I need to do is remove it, I sense an involuntary panic that I'm getting fired. Dramatic much? I'm finally getting a taste of what it's like to be in a breathable work environment.

It's opening my eyes to how damaging my train of that is. I experiened a shooting pain down my spine when I panicked about the most asinine detail. That sort of thing was so common that I used to never give it atention. It no longer shocked my body. Now I feel like my body's screaming at me every time I unnecessarily stress it out. It's refreshing and an educational experience.

This job is easy to do, and it gives me a lot of free time. I feel like I need to take advantage of it. If I don't, the universe might sabotage my place here because when I get too comfortable and it becomes a liability, the universe tries to set me back on track. I love to write, so I have to create a system where I can write at work. I already have projects I started, so I need to send myself copies of them. That way I can continue them here.

For so long I've wanted to find work in an office that was slow paced enough to allow me to focus on my writing and other priorities. But now that I have that chance, I have no idea how to take advantage of the time I have since it's all new for me. So I better figure it out because if this job does turn out to be temporary, I want to make it count by making progress on some of my writing projects. This still remains true even if it becomes long-term.

Learn to Play the Game

I was recommended by a really good friend of mine to learn how to play the game, the chase, how to manipulate someone you're involved with and things of that nature. While it's honest, it may sound distasteful. But this wasn't coming from a manipulat perspective where she wants me to serve a selfish agenda. As with most of my friends, she's much older than me. She's in her sixties and she hated giving me this advice. The idea of being a part of it puts me off, but I see her point.

Knowledge is power. I still don't know how this all works. I'll never know, but what I mean is it's fairly new to me at this time. The truth is we all manipulate. Anyone who says otherwise is either stupid or in denial. Seriously because it's a conscious, subconscious, AND unconscious act. There's no way we can control it. That isn't to say we should channel it and utilize it to our benefit because exploiting others is certainly not on my agenda (unless I want to borrow cute kids on Halloween to score free candy... What? I'm being honest! LOL)

With that said...the best way to protect ourselves from being a victim of manipulation (albeit a futile effort but we gotta try) is to familiarize ourselves with the very thing we want to protect ourselves from. Makes sense, right? I don't think it's possible to know the game without playing the game. Participation's required. Even just hearing about it makes us witnessing participants. The truth is when I withhold from playing the game all I'm doing is withdrawaling from active participation, but I'm still mentally engaged because an uncontrollable reflex thought, an awareness registers and informs me if I do this, I know he'll respond this way but if I do that, he'll act like this. Playing the game is essentially knowing the cause and effects and contributing to its outcome. What's twisted is refusing to "participate" is still an involvement in the game. That's like playing a board game and saying "pass". You skipped your turn, but you're still in it because every action (even an absence of an action) is still contributing to the outcome.

I find it respectable to minimize your participation, but I don't think it's realistic or even possible to disengage fully from it because manipulation is encoded in our DNA. The truth is I don't think it's all bad. I manipulate my friends in that I act in specific ways to cause specific reactions in them such as expressing something more gentle if I find that they'll be more receptive. I had a co-worker who I became very good friends with, and our boss was honestly a con man. I wanted my friend to not fall victim to his deceit and deal with the financial repercussions because he has student loans and other debts he's responsible for. I did directly warn him, but I knew our boss for over five years at that point. I could travel his mind and predict exactly how he'll be deceptive and the consequences it'll have on us. But I knew my friend would completely reject the details despite its accuracy. So instead I slowly provided details to keep him aware and focused on our boss' tendencies and habits. I essentially influenced and managed his reaction.

The truth is I'm intelligent and socially aware enough to take that skill and apply it in morally-compromising circumstances, but I choose not to. I can't separate myself from my misdeeds. So no matter how much I want something, I won't enjoy it if I obtained it deceptively and I want to enjoy my rewards. Feeling so connected to everything, I hate playing the game because I feel what I orchestrated, what I caused artificially and externally, knowing that without my "play", he would've acted very differently.

The more I play, the more I see. I've become desensitized by my frustrations probably as a defense mechanism. I don't have the energy to get upset every single time. I've discovered that people say dishonest things all the time as a way to be safely indirect and discreet, while obtaining the knowledge they desire. It's harmless, but it's unnecessary. What's worse is the more I recognize it, the heavier the dishonesty becomes. A hundred small lies will begin to weigh on me like one big lie because deception has energy. I don't like being exposed to it, but the truth is I am whether I'm aware of it or not. Knowledge is power.

A guy at my local Sprint store was checking me out. I can sense it. I went in there with a friend of mine, and it was evident that he and I were involved. We weren't showing displays of affecion, but you can tell by the way we interacted and talked to each other. The representative was perceptive and intelligent enough to know this. When I returned for a different reason alone, he asked if I just got off the phone with my ex after I talked to my dad... Then he said, "Oh that's right, you said you and your boyfriend broke up right?" Uhhhhhh no. I didn't have a boyfriend to break up with, and I certainly never divulged such details to someone I only met twice. Or at least that's what I'm thinking. I gave him a simple no. To test out my suspicion that it was a strategic tactic, I elaborated that I didn't have a boyfriend to break up with. After all everything has energy. So if he got the answer he wanted out of me, I'd sense it which I did because I was playing the game. He apologized and said it must've been someone else. Yeah right....

People do small shit like that all the fucking time! There are bigger things to be concerned with, but I'm a Pisces. I feel a lot and even small things burden me. So it frustrates me.

My friend said that most guys don't admit what they actually feel, say what they mean, and it's a rare guy who's honest and direct about them. I think that's a human trait. But for all intense and purposes, I'm relating this to guys because that's what's relevant in my situation. So her statement applies and I agree on general terms. I was both blessed and cursed to be exposed to someone honest, and we remain friends. It's gratifying to know that that kind of honesty does exist, but it also makes it frustrating because that's far more likely to be an isolated incident.

When people lie to us and we blindly trust them, we get hurt. We're defenseless against the truth and deceit. That's why it's imperative to develop our intuition because it's meant to protect and guide us. It sucks to question someone's honesty especially when you're intimate, romantic, and sexual with that person. But never disregard those suspicions. Explore them. It could be baseless paranoid or it could be that your intuition is trying t warn you, but take the time to discover where it's coming from. It's so important. With people lying left and right, learning to play the game and recognizing the signs makes sense. The more exposed you are, the better armed you are against it.

Of course it's ideal to find a guy who doesn't do that. But I really think it's not realistic. If we disposed of every guy who demonstrated some form of dishonesty or playing the game, nothing menaingful could develop. Guys like the chase, the drama, the ups and downs. Society creates this perception that it's exclusive to women, but guys like adventure and conquership. It's boring once a guy's obtained you that he needs the excitement of playing the game even after he's in it.

This reminds me of something a friend of mine posted on facebook. We bonded a lot over matters of honesty, life, love, all those types of things. She and I share a very similar perspective. What she posted I agree with so deeply, but it came with a saddening epiphany. Because we feel the way we do and since it's such an unpopular and incompatible perspective, I believe it'll be harder for us to find someone than others. Not that it'd be impossible, but we'll experience more challenges and difficulties. She said it didn't make sense to her to play the game, manipulate, and chase because that means she's running away from the one person she wants to be near. I absolutely agree with her! But again guys like the chase. Since we find it disigenuous and illogical, we're less likely to do it and most guys will probably dislike it. Lucky us... It's inconvenient, but we can either do something we dislike or be genuine.

I'm choosing to not to define a permanent decision. Sometimes I'll resist or refuse to actively participate in playing the game. Other times I'll engage. Right, wrong, immoral, compromising, who knows. That's too subjective to make such a generalized statement because every situation is different.

Lessons for the Future

I began texting with a friend who wished me a Happy New Year…..Eve and asked him if he was doing anything special. He responded with it’s all pretty special but I know what you mean. He’s not much for the glamour of things, which I appreciate. I expressed how to me it’s just another year. New Year’s symbolizes something meaningful because of the power we give it, and although it’s beneficial to dedicate a time where we focus and prioritize on our future, it doesn’t mean much to me. It’s true and yet facebook has a way of expanding my train of thought.

For some people, it’s more than just another year to knock off the list and appreciate it as an annual tradition, but it’s truly a meaningful event in their lives. I have friends that have survived divorces and been stronger for it, attended their children’s funeral, and went through some of the most devastating experiences. But they’re changed by it and they’re left feeling empowered and grateful because after a long tedious, struggle, they’ve come out on the other end. They’re finally beginning to feel and understand the value of the pain they had to endure to be where they are today. I’m moved by their experiences just by reading it on their statuses. It’s heartwarming to know that they’ve evolved and grown into more conducive individuals.

My life hasn’t been quite the rollercoaster. I went through a Hellish experience at age 24. Then at age 25, I was recovering from it. At 26, I began processing it. At 27 is when I became receptive and understanding to the lessons. But somewhere along the line, I also became stagnant and under stimulated, which I suppose is understandable considering how intense the past few years have been for me.

I’m now ready to approach 28. I feel like I’ve spent enough time in hiding, contemplation, and recovery. I have no idea what’s in store for me, but I want to take this time to chronicle what I’ve learned. Those things are important to give attention to.

1. Don’t feel bad cutting people out of your life.

This has something I thought I was relatively comfortable with because I haven no problem being honest or direct. But when things aren’t black and white, I find myself floating around and waiting until things become irrefutably unacceptable. During this process I’m making myself vulnerable to it. I try to give people chances and not everyone is blatant in their disrespect. Some people are subtle and cowardly about it.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people make plans with me and not cancel but just don’t show up at all. It puts me an uncomfortable predicament where I find myself feeling guilty, whiny, and self-entitled because it disrupts my entire schedule. I live in LA, and I don’t drive. I can’t just occupy my time doing something else until you give me a ring and then meet up with you when you call by hopping on the freeway. I don’t have that luxury. But it’s not anyone else’s fault that I don’t drive. So emphasizing it makes me feel bad, but it doesn’t take away from the truth. It’s definitely a factor. Then again, it’s not even a factor that should be brought up.

In the world of texting, you can’t let me know you won’t be able to make it? Sometimes technology goes haywire. So I give the benefit of the doubt and I’ll call, assuming the text didn’t go through. There are times there’s no reception, but calls don’t go straight to voicemail. I yet again make allowances. Then perhaps I’ll try fbing them, but don’t I sound stalkerish at this point? Of course I do!

I’m frustrated with the efforts I have to put in and feeling insecure about my actions. If someone were to describe my behavior, I might understand why this person is being avoided, which of course leads me down a spiraling emotion of inadequacy. The direction I take it is on me, but being put in this position was unfair and I wasn’t alone in it. We all get faced with things we don’t necessarily want to do, and we all indulge in escapism at some point. But we’re adults now.

We’re responsible for our actions. If we don’t want to spend time with certain people, we should be honest and direct about it. What’s worse is I’m not always the one initiating the hang out, making people vulnerable to not telling the truth. These same people who ditch me are the ones that not only talk about making plans, but select the dates themselves. So then I feel guilty when my intuition tells me my friends are lying because I don’t want to think negatively of my friends, and honestly their behaviors are unintelligent. I consider most of them to be bright people.

I basically invest a lot of energy running in circles and not accepting my intuition. I may care about certain people, and I may even miss them. But that doesn’t mean I should continue to make allowances for them. As great as it would be to catch up and have a great time, I’d rather surround myself with genuine and honest people. So it’s okay to stop putting effort into people like this. It’s okay.

2. Things always become more difficult with resistance.

Why is it that we complain about how things are so complicated and difficult, but we, ourselves, behave in a way that sustains it? It’s illogical, but we do it anyways. It’s so innate in us that I don’t think many of us realize how our actions are, at times, the very source of difficulty. We subconsciously do things we aren’t aware of. That can leave us helpless and vulnerable, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to understand it because it’s only through awareness will we be able to correct it.

3. Without effort, there will be no progress.

As an adolescent, I was full of energy that poured out of me in different ways. I was stubborn, resilient, difficult, and persistent. I prided myself on not surrendering or weakening when surrounded by people who only believed in my failure. I was ruthless in my pursuit to prove them wrong. I wasted so much energy into something that I should’ve never given attention to because people who are going to be singleminded and judgmental about me aren’t going to become open-minded because I did what they doubted I could do. In my experience, they become insulted that I proved them wrong. Do I really want the approval of people like that anyways? Not really.

When I finally had that epiphany and I decided to do what I wanted to do, I found myself at a loss. Without others doubting me and being presented with obstacles to overcome, I wasn’t motivated to do much. There was no passion or desire in my actions. I’ve spent so much time trying to find what I want to invest my time that I’m becoming discouraged.

I may be interested in something conceptually, but there aren’t enough details for me to make an informed decision. So then I’m not inclined to put in the extensive amount of effort to explore it. It’s a vicious cycle. What’s a girl to do?

I certainly don’t like it, and I find myself often discouraged. But never have I considered giving up. I take more breaks than I’m proud of to regroup when I feel like I haven’t done much, but I won’t give up, which means I have to keep going. So I have to constantly remind myself that I do all of this because I want to find purpose and meaningful in my life and in my actions. “Without effort, there will be no progress.” However discouraging and put off I am about putting in the effort, it must be done to reach my destination. End of story. No matter how much I despise it and complain about it, it must be done!

4. Make decisions based on my intuition.

First I had to accept that I was experiencing intuition and recognize it for what it is. Then I had to be receptive to it because if I wasn’t, I didn’t know what I was experiencing. I felt this dull, un-definable sense of feeling that plagued me and felt out of place. I couldn’t shake the feeling, either. It became disruptive until it became almost background noise that I got used to.

Now I know what it is. I trust it enough to guide my friends with it. I trust in my ability to be intuitive and accurate. But I still hesitate in executing decisions based on it. It isn’t because I have doubts in my ability; it’s that I take comfort in the familiar. However, my intuition is there to guide me in the right direction. If I ignore it, there are consequences that occur. They keep trying to instill the same lesson in me. Next time listen to avoid this. And that’s what I have to do.