Certified Holistic Nutrition Coach???

Fluctuate freely. A friend of mine sent those words to me recently in an email and it filled me with a sense of warm comfort and quiet relief. He isn't one of those people who don't have goals in life or a career path, either. He's just receptive to change and what the universe offers as it comes along, unpredictably, fluctuatingly, and everything in between. I need to remind myself of this cuz a small part of me is hesitating to get excited about this since I have a habit of becoming a hostage to inspiration only to release myself, unmoved not long after.

I have a long list of great ideas that others could truly manifest and maybe if I were a Type A personality I'd be able to do it, but I don't have the drive. I'm selective in what I want and do put my energy into. I gravitate towards writing, food, nutrition, and holistic health. A Certified Holistic Nutrition Coach can be the answer I'm looking for.

It fits my interest and timeline. I can be a stellar student, but I tend to start strong. I do best in short-term consolidated classes where people burn out, rather than a lengthier schedule. Plus tuition is expensive. The longer I'm in class, the more it's costing me. Not to mention that that's time I'm not earning money, and I still have expenses.

And the unfortunate truth of the matter is I'm terrible at math in a debilitating sort of way, educationally speaking. Don't get me wrong; I can do basic calculations in my head or by hand. But I can't even pass a stupid pre-algebra class. We're talking pre-requisites! The only reason why I graduated middle school is cuz I was advanced into geometry and trigonometry which I excelled in. I know that sounds cooky but my principal clarified it for me. Algebra is technically easier, but it's also more abstract whereas the more advanced math is more formulaic. That made it easier for me to understand. However in college you have to pass the pre-requisites which I haven't been able to do. I've been referred by multiple math professors to get tested if I have a math disorder. I don't.... But there's some question about why I'm not performing well cuz I demonstrate comprehension by explaining it back. Regardless of the uncovered mystery that's causing this, I no longer want this to be a reason why I can't find a career.

I have a friend who's intuition I've learned to trust and he's told me on a number of occasions that I should do something with nutrition and holistic health. It's not that I disagreed with him, but educationally it didn't seem feasible until now. I have other career ambitions that relate to this and can potentially expand further! I'm no longer considered with the end result cuz that's undetermined. I don't want the unknown future to discourage me off this path.

OCDing at Work

I'm starting to dislike this habit I'm developing. I'm glad I finally got a job that's more conducive to my personal goals and meets the kind of standards I desire, but I'm falling back on bad habits. Because I have the permission and freedom to web surf, that's how I fill my day. Of course I fulfill my job duties, as well, but I'm not taking advantage of this free time like I should be. I could be writing, but instead I'm looking at things in a patterned sort of way. I'm indulging my OCD.

I don't feel incapable of stopping, nor do I think I'd be overcome with an unsettling feeling. So it isn't stress-induced, just bad habits forming. I'm worry that if I don't stop and take advantage of this opportunity, this temp to hire won't turn into hire cuz the universe won't feel that my habits are conducive to my goals. So I really need to focus, but I have zero interest to pursue my writing projects. Why is that?

Do I deep down not want to develop those books I've always told myself I'm interested in? Is this related to my fear of beginning something when I'm uncertain of what my first step should be? Why am I so afraid of taking a step? These questions won't solve or change my habits, but I want to address them publicly. This way I'll recognize the concern for what it is, rather than continue down this path. Unfortunately I don't see myself reforming any time soon, but awareness is important. Rather than burying the truth so I don't have to deal with it, I'd rather express it, even if it takes me a while to correct it.

The Ten Things

It's hard to remember why I've kept my distance from my adopted mom and brother when they've always been supportive, caring, kind, patient, and understanding with me. That's the danger and damage with fear. There's this abstract darkness that influences your behavior to do what you don't want to do cuz it keeps you in a false sense of comfort zone. I guess I should just be grateful that I'm finally beginning to reconnect with the only people I consider family.

It's not fair to my adopted mom, but I think having such a negative relationship with my biological mom made me more hesitant to bond with her. Irrational fear. There's nothing more to it. All I ever used to hear from my biological parents is what a disappointment I am. Isolating myself from them made me forget about them, but I guess their thoughts continued to reside within me.

Since I've recognized their presence, I've began to let them go. I still have A LOT of work to do, but it's a start. I've also been talking to my mom and brother a lot more. Writing has always been the one constant in my life, and it's a real passion of mine. I'm good at it, and I'm always persistent. Virtually everyone has suggested I should make a career out of it, and while the idea appeals to me, nothing has resulted from it. So I'm forced to re-examine my priorities and take an honest look at what I truly want out of life. This has been an ongoing dilemma if you've followed my blog, but I'm FINALLY starting to feel like I'm taking it toward a positive direction. I'm so tired of saying I need to do something only for that insistence to highlight the emptiness.

My mother recommended I write 10 things I love to do and 10 things I'm good at. That approach is very logical and its purpose is very clear, and yet it's something I've never considered. I've put in the effort to do just that, though. Just like my mom anticipated, those two 10 things began to relate. Here's a list of what I wrote. If you're trying to decide what career you'd like to pursue, I'd suggest doing the same thing.

10 Things I Love to Do:

1. Writing for myself for emotional catharsis, perspective, epiphanies, and channeling that energy we’re all universally connected to (whatever it may be).

2. Having deep, meaningful conversations where I connect with people on a deep level

3. Eat food! Not just to be a pig but to really appreciate the quality of food and innovative ways it was used to prepare and make meals, discovering unique and unusual ways to re-transform something,

4. Have new experiences! I’ve always been diverse, dynamic, and open-minded. I like being stimulated and new experiences offer both an educational and emotional depth.

5. Help my friends, channel my emotions and intuitive nature in a conducive way. Everything has energy and I tend to be receptive to it. I feel my way around peoples’ energies or problems and can detect weak points, strong points, and then somehow gain insight on the best approach to help empower them in their goals and desires.

For example, I have a lot of creative friends and have been described as muses. I amplify what they already know but have suppressed in themselves, strengthen qualities in them they’ve neglected, and address concerns as a way to resolve them.

6. Discover new environmental solutions, multi-use from a single source, using something ordinary to make it extraordinary, re-transforming something plain and unsuspecting of something exceptional and making it exactly that. Basically I love developing ideas. I’m unconventional, untraditional, and rarely fit into any pretext of normality. So I have to individualize and personalize a lot of things to make it accommodating and appealing to me. I push the envelope a lot to see how far I can take something to the edge because that’s when things go alive. I want to see that spark give birth to something that would’ve never come to life if it weren’t for that extra little push. But I also like to do things differently, expand my mind, incorporate an unusual or uncommon practice to end up with something unexpected, and approach something with a popular and acceptable perspective but taking it a new direction, maybe with deviations or linear irregularities. Basically discovering ways to do things differently.

7. Study, practice, and incorporate holistic remedies. I like using mundane things for a powerful effect that’s unsuspecting. It connects and relates to my intuition, as well as my desire to separate myself from popular trends and façades. It’s timeless. It’s interesting, and as straightforward as it is, it’s profoundly educational and complex.

Pineapples become more than a tropical fruit but a pain reliever due to the enzyme bromelain. It gives things dimensions. You know how a girl or guy becomes more intriguing when they evolve beyond just eye candy but opens your eyes to a new world? It’s like that. You find ways to be constructively creative with things that ordinarily serve a limited or familiar purpose. Common things become new to you. Things begin to develop a greater purpose, and that significance continues to spread. The more you learn about how simple things like lemons can be antibacterial, furniture polish, intestinal cleanser, mental stimulant, etc., you become more receptive, intuitive, and conscientious in your actions, choices, purchases, etc.

8. Constructive creativity – this type of creativity I identify with the most because I’m very analytical and precise which are qualities that can interfere with a creative flow. It doesn’t always allow for things to form organically, but it’s also true to my nature. So I’m able to create something that’s most authentic and natural to me.

9. Brainstorming and collaborations – Everything has energy, and I’m receptive to it. I channel people and able to solidify abstract concepts into concrete and usable ideas and solutions to make visions more tangible. It’s difficult for me to make my own art, but I can see the art others are trying to produce and can help expedite the process and/or bring it to life. I need something foreign basically outside of myself, in order to make this happen, though, and that’s why I love collaborations. It’s like I travel into the multiple minds present, and I take and combine each of their essences and tie it all together.

10. Empowering people – I have a strong presence and have the ability to influence people easily. It’s an empowering feeling, and I like giving others a taste of it. I can feel the energy around me, and tremendous amounts of people are uncertain about their lives and insecure about many things. It can become overwhelming. Self-empowerment, on the other hand, is both exhilarating and grounding. I like knowing and seeing that I made a difference in peoples’ lives.

11. Bonus: I like dimensions, dynamics, diversity, and stimulation. I want to be kept interested. I’m more drawn to a little bit of everything than a lot of one thing cuz it gets stale, stagnant, familiar, and eventually no matter how dense the material is, knowing that it’ll still revolve around a common theme, it’ll make me lose interest. I like different angles and dimensions to things.

12. Bonus: I love eclectic, artistic coffee shops filled with diversity in decorative collaborations. Little bits and hints of flea market finds, worldly objects, modern contemporary pieces, vintage contrasts, local artists’ works (not just because it supports local community but also cuz it isn’t manufactured art, it’s fresh, different). They’re more creative, aesthetics is a visual display of diversity, and it attracts more interesting people who want to lounge and converse, rather than rush in to get their joe to go to their 9-5 jobs.

10 Things I’m Good At

1. I’m good at writing. I can express myself easily and clearly. It comes naturally, and it just flows out of me.

2. I’m good at helping people with their emotional problems, inner struggles, difficulty believing themselves, facing their fears, changing their perspective into a more conducive one, or in some way empowering them. My intuition highlights or brings to surface some sort of imbalance, and I’m able to offer some insight or perspective. I provide emotional comfort, clarity in perspective, and leave people feeling empowered.

3. Food related stuff! I can cook, I can eat, I can identify flavors and determine what compliments what, determine which foods are healthiest for various ailments and what foods should be eaten during specific seasons, and I’m also familiar with how certain foods are grown, raised, chemically-altered, and things of that nature. I’m knowledgeable in food from a thorough understanding of where it comes from, how it’s made, and how it impacts our bodies. I take holistic approaches to eating because I food the very simple but necessary, frequent task to be an empowering approach to managing our health. I’ve helped friends start their own catering company, create a menu specifically for people with food allergies, critique their dishes before they launch it at Costco, another major supermarket, or before presenting it to a reputable chef for a job at an upscale restaurant, etc. I’m very precise, direct, and provide constructive criticism. So my insights are often sought after.

4. Being open and receptive to new experiences. While I can be a homebody, I’m not afraid to try new things and, in fact, the idea of it very much appeals to me. That’s how I evolve, grow, and find inspiration in ordinary things like a simple hike. The newer and more foreign an experience is, the more it resonates and stirs a passion in me. Those are the things that give my writing an essence. That’s why I feel I naturally attract and gravitate towards worldly people who travel and have had an innumerable amount of experiences they can share with me.

5. Talking! I’m good at talking. I’m great at public speaking, and I have an influential and inspiring presence. My words and energy has power over people and carries the ability to captivate an audience. I can talk about a variety of topics confidently and articulately as long as I’m familiar with it. I can be interactive and people consider me to be interesting. I’m also very animated. I feel that I’d be good at voice-overs. I prefer long, meaningful conversations about philosophical and abstract concepts that are universally relatable to all of us. I love when I uncover or sense what’s significant in a person and drawing that out of them to somehow make it more vivid and stronger than it was before. In group situations, I prefer public speaking. I’ve done it before and found the audience to be receptive to me. In conversational situations, I prefer one on one because I’m able to focus more on a person intuitively.

6. I love experimenting with ideas and exploring my mind for possibilities of various things. It’s difficult for me to bring it to life, though, but when I collaborate with others, I do exceptionally well. I’ve had people who were planning to start a coffee shop or lounging area that has a focus of attracting a health-conscientious demographic share their ideas with me to ask for my insights and contributions of my own ideas.

7. I’m good at educating people. I write well, and I’m a good editor. I help people understand their mistakes but more importantly I give insights into how their writing can improve by making them understand their demographic audience. In some ways, I make them more intelligent and conscientious, so their quality of writing improves because of who they’re writing for. They evolve beyond proper grammar and fulfilling an assignment but demonstrate an ability to understand truly the purpose of the task. Why am I supposed to write this? Who am I supposed to impress? What kind of a reaction do I want readers to have? What impact do I want to make on readers? They look more deeply within themselves and project that depth onto the outside world. The more connected you become to something, the more powerful your work can become. I also educate people by informing them on the best foods to eat and other health related information. My friends have described me as 4/11. Even when I help people, I do it by empowering and educating them. I may just relay what they already know, but that knowledge is strengthened within them and becomes a more powerful presence.

8. I’m an excellent researcher, and that’s why I’m so knowledgeable. I study things I’m interested in. They tend to center around nutrition, holistic approaches, health, emotional balance, spirituality, environmental solutions, and finances (but in relation to how to live within your budget to be a healthy and balanced person).

9. I can make friends easily and quickly. I’m able to find ways to connect with people and strengthen that bond.

10. I’m photogenic. J I like the idea of modeling.

Help Me to Find My Career, Universe

I've invested more than enough energy expressing my dissatisfaction with my recent employment status/record. I can't seem to retain a position but for only a brief amount of time. I'm beginning to appear like I have a retention problem. It makes me look bad and when a pattern develops, I can't deny the fact that I'm a factor in all of this. What am I doing to cause this?

Well there are a number of reasons I've observed - incompatability. Sometimes it's a result of inadequacy on my part for fulfilling the position, sometimes it's an unavoidable set of circumstances that led to employment termination on either party. Or maybe it was initially a short term arrangement. The interesting thing is I find myself more unmotivated and transparent, so when a job doesn't fit me well or isn't conducive to my self-growth, things occur to expedite what almost feels like an inevitable end to that job for me. I'll even become paralyzed with exhaustion. It's more than procrastination, but I'll find myself unable to move or sleeping through an alarm clock that goes off for an hour when I naturally wake up much earlier than that. Weird barriers begin to form.

I'm beginning to wonder if I made a vow in my past life or if my subconscious made a promise to the universe that's causing this, but I'm starting to feel like until I find a job that's conducive to my self-growth that

A Lil About Me

Here is a list of some of my thoughts, opinions, and perspective. Basically some things that make me me. :)

1. There are givers and takers in the world. I'm a giver/taker hybrid. I think it's the best combination and I'm not just saying that because it's the category I fall under. Givers have takers in their lives. It's the balance of the universe. Givers enjoy giving. Takers enjoy taking. The problem with this is that givers deplete of energy emotionally (and spiritually). And they don't take from others to replenish. Takers don't reciprocate by nature.

As a giver, I understand how satisfying giving is. But as a taker, I understand the value of having balance. I don't experience the guilt many takers feel when they need something from someone or somewhere else. I know that by taking, I'm able to harmonize myself and continue to give. As a giver I know how draining it can be, so I try my best to not overtake.

Of course, I fail. But I've finally become the kind of person I would want to be friends with. That's a huge step for me. And I feel like I can finally celebrate who I am because I spent most of my life being one or the other, never combining both elements. That imbalance caused a lot of internal conflict that polluted my life and interaction with others. I'm finally starting to get it right.

2. I'm not a racist, sexist, or homophobe. If you're any or all of these things, I don't respect you. I may not know this about you or have developed a friendship with you before I discovered this, in which case I'm unable to just stop caring about you and I may be civil towards you but know that you have lost my respect.

Don't get me wrong. I believe there are cultural truths to certain stereotypes and acknowledging them reveals to me that you have basic observational skills and can recognize correlations. I also don't mind racist jokes. I think they can be hilarious. Sure, maybe that's callous and in poor taste but I'm thick-skinned, so it doesn't bother me. It's when you judge an entire group of people without taking the time to get to know people do I have a problem.

As a diverse and dynamic person, I know how different people can be. Some people are going to fit into a stereotype. Some people outside of their own racial stereotype will fit into another. Some people won't fit into a stereotype. Everyone's different. Only through experience and open-mindedness can we truly evolve and grow. If you live a life that deliberately stifles that, I'm not interested in that kind of negativity and bigotry.

I grew up in a culture where females are considered inferior, and I loathe that. Women's purpose is to give birth, cook, clean, and essentially support men, so they can strive. But what I never understood is if women are so inferior and we're tasked to do things children can learn which means it isn't impossibly difficult that many Japanese men seem completely incapable of, how are you superior to us? It's a stupid logic, really. And how can men identify themselves as superior when you've never really been challenged by women? It's like a forfeit win. Do you really consider yourself a true winner?

We're all victims of social conditioning, but even as a child I had an unusually high tolerance towards it. I questioned everything and rejected notions I now as an adult understand why I rejected. I got a lot of grief growing up over it. I have no regrets about the position I took and the consequences I had to endure for standing firm in my beliefs. It's shaped me into who I am. Don't ever fucking tell me I'm less than you cuz I'm a woman. Fuck you!

I grew up in San Francisco. I've always been independent and a free thinker. No one could ever convince me of something without my consent, no matter how adamant the opposing force is. You don't like the idea of homosexuality. That's fine. I don't like it, but I believe everyone's entitled to their own opinions. What I do have a problem with, however is when people try to impose their beliefs onto others when the actions of others are of no harm to you.

On a purely selfish level, trying to suppress homosexuality can have a consequence on us. I sure as Hell don't want to end up with a closet gay. Do you? I'm not into the whole gay thing. I love dick. So guess what? I'm not gay! Easy solution. But the opposite position exists. It should've never become such a widespread debate in the first place, but since it has become one, it's a scientific fact that homosexuals exist! Let them be!

3. I'm Japanese-Korean, first born daughter of two very traditional Japanese parents. The ideal Japanese daughter, the ideal Japanese woman is traditional, passive, submissive, domesticated, feminine, and compliant. I'm independent, dominant, aggressive, a free thinker, unconventional, and daring. I question everything and test my boundaries. I'm more abrasive than I am gentle and meek. I'm certainly an acquired task.

I had a difficult childhood as a result, but both worlds presented to me had pain and difficulty laced through it. If I try to stomach what's unnatural to me and disagree with, it eats away at me. If I express who I am, I'm rejected and brutalized for it. But I had a sense of pride and relief, however momentary it was, by being myself. So that's what I chose, and I have no regrets. The pain that came with that decision eventually went away as I became more thick-skinned and comfortable in my beliefs, independent of others. As an adult, I'm finally appreciated for it. :) It's an exhilarating and comforting feeling that I wouldn't change for the world.

4. Most of my friends are guys. I'm not very close with my family, so my friends mean the world to me. I could never be with a guy who won't accept that. It's understandable to be jealous or insecure. That's human nature. I won't blame you for how you feel. I can however blame you for your actions. If you dare give me an ultimatum, you'll lose, baby. A huge part of who I am is because of my friends, and I'm finally proud of who I am. I'm an independent person who prides herself on her individuality. To strip my friends away is like stripping away at my identity. You can't fucking rip apart a person and just tear away at the qualities you don't like about them. Then stretch out the qualities you do like and stitch them back together. That's beyond unacceptable.

5. I'm not really the dating kind of girl. I think guys sense that because guys who want to date tend to keep their distance from me. I haven't really had too many of those the guy picks you up, buys you flowers, takes you to a restaurant, and pays for your meal. I usually know the guys I get involved with, so either he comes over and I make dinner for us or he makes us dinner at his place. I don't really like the idea of the traditional date because you sit down and go through a series of standardized questions that you can honestly uncover through each other's fb. How insightful is that really going to be?

Life happens when you're unprepared and spontaneous. That's also when people expose them for who they really are, whereas dating is a socially-acceptable diversion from getting to truly know each other and prolongs the facade. When a guy tries to be impressive and impresses me, that's a cause and effect. It correlates. I wanna get to the nitty gritty center to see if we get along for who we really are. It's not the positive that tears people apart. The negative qualities are the make or break it deals.

When you're in that dating mode, you're conveying this one-sided version of you which is distorted. I don't want to get used to that illusion. And it's such a waste of time if after all that you discover you hate each other when you reveal to each other your true selves. I'm not for it. Gee, I wonder why I'm single.... But at least I'm honest and real. So I'm at peace with myself. That's more than what I can say for others, so ha!

I just think there are ways to get to know a person without such confinements. It's hard for me to find someone I'm interested in, and it's even rarer to find a guy who likes me for who I am. But when it happens, it's beautiful. I wouldn't change it for the world. I want things to be natural, exciting, fun, and enjoyable. I've never done well in traditional settings. Whoever I end up with isn't going to tolerate that "deficiency" but celebrate that quality in me. :)

6. I fear being vulnerable. I don't like losing control, not having power. Nothing leaves me more helpless than when I start to like someone. That's when my feelings stop becoming compliant. I'm no longer the driver, and I become a passenger. I have no leverage or upper hand. It terrifies me. Most people love that attraction, flood of exhilarating feelings, the lust, but I'm weary of it.

7. Purple is my absolute favorite color. My friend calls my place the "Purple Palace". :) I love that description! I have violet walls and purple trim. There's going to be a customized talisman that symbolizes who I am and who I want to become, as well as a chakra that's customized to my height and body. As the title of my blog might suggest, balance and diversity is important to me. I try to have as many different elements in my home as I can have. Air - plants that produce oxygen (although I haven't bought that yet, I plan to!) Earth - rocks, stones, crystals. Fire - Candles Water - Water in plants and vases.

8. I want to publish a book on nutrition, a memoir, decorating, cooking, and some other topics I'd rather keep anonymous at this time.

9. Outwardly I may look like a gurly gurl, and I've even been given that nickname. I like to wear cute gurly clothes - tulip skirts and figure flattering tops to enhance my slender stature. But I don't take long to get ready. I usually look attractive, but I don't bother with makeup. I'm not into high maintenance and unnecessary time-consuming activities that contribute to illusions. That's just a form of bullshit that doesn't make me feel better because it makes me think I have to do this to be more attractive. I want to spend my time doing things that make me feel good. I like to be natural. And I don't want to feel like I'm wasting my time. Beauty is so superficial. If I become so unattractive that I need the help of makeup, I won't want to engage in that task because underneath it all, the truth remains. I'll focus on something more enriching. I'm thick skinned. I'm not that weak, whiny Pisces guys initially fear.

10. 3 is a powerful number for me that speaks to me. When I first began getting premonitions, I got them in waves of three. Three is also a very real number. 3 dimensional means that you get to see the person in front of you, you can touch them, feel them, smell them, hear them. It's life. It's also a realistic number to me. It isn't one-sided, metaphorically speaking. There are positive and negative connotations about this number. 3's a crowd. But there's also - who I was, who I am, and who I want to be. The past, present, and future. All of these things include the good and the bad. Life can't have one without the other. There has to be balance - an element between good and evil. I don't like to be sheltered or censored. Diversity is important to me, That's what 3 offers me.